Is it ever ok to message the OW

[Dorothyy]

So my partner and I split last year and within weeks he was with this new woman, obviously part of me believes it was going on before and they used to go out together frequently whilst I was at home looking after our children (not on their own but as a group of colleagues) I feel so stupid as I did question it at the time and she was just a friend apparently. I had a few wines the other night and stupidly messaged her just asking when this started, obviously didn’t get a reply

'OK' is a relative term. Some will say it won't help you move on, some will say it's good to get whatever you're feeling off your chest. Only you know.

“Lowered herself”?

Anyone that willingly is anyone’s OW is low level by default.

I don’t actually regret doing it, I think I have left them alone and allowed them to take my children on holiday etc. I know I couldn’t have stopped them legally but I put aside my feelings to do what was best for the children. I will not message her again but maybe this was the closure that I needed.

I think it’s perfectly normal to want answers when you’ve been betrayed and you’re not quite sure of what or how it happened.

I was cheated on in the past and every now and then I still wonder even though I’m well and truly over it. It’s like there’s an unknown part of your life you know nothing about.

On the other side, you can’t trust anything a known OW says. There’s no guarantee you’d ever get a truthful reply, you’ll have to make your peace with that.

This going to sound so bizarre and I suppose somewhat outing but he was diagnosed with an STD and after talking to my friend she told
me to be tested just incase he slept with her whilst still with me. I texted him to ask him if I need a test and now she thinks he is sleeping with me. I felt the need to message her to tell her I don’t want him and ended it for good reason and told her to have a nice life. It wasn’t too bad

Why anyone would be attracted to the father of young children who sneaks around behind his wifes back, is beyond me

He swears nothing started beforehand but 2 weeks after he moved out is just too soon, especially that I am fully aware of the time they have spent together as apparent ‘friends’

Yes he asked me why i messaged her and to not do it again

Hi OP, and first of all I am sorry this is happening to you.
I've been where you are and it isn't a good place to be so I understand how you feel.
I can understand that you want both an explanation and closure.

You deserve the first but probably won't get it and closure can only come from yourself.

You might find this helpful https://natashaadamo.com/how-to-get-closure-when-you-have-none/

xx

He said I am now making his life difficult by asking him if I need to be tested but I clearly said on the text to him that if he slept with her behind my back then I will need to be tested. Why didn’t he just show her the rest of the message?

He told me she said that

And if we aren’t being sexist, so are women …

After…as he asked me what the sores on his face were

Because the doctor diagnosed him with herpes

Anyway it’s irrelevant as after she seen the message I sent she accused him of sleeping with me and that has not happened

I absolutely get it @Dorothyy
Years ago, my ex worked abroad and was seeing someone. I knew from the phone bill, the credit card purchases and because he stopped his routine phone calls to me.
So one night I used the house phone to call her number. There was a time difference so I was sure he would be asleep with her. Nobody answered. The next day he phoned me absolutely raging. Shouty sweary fuming.
I spoilt his story of him being single. Now he had to explain me to her.
Do I regret it? Nope.