Is it ever ok to message the OW

[Dorothyy]

So my partner and I split last year and within weeks he was with this new woman, obviously part of me believes it was going on before and they used to go out together frequently whilst I was at home looking after our children (not on their own but as a group of colleagues) I feel so stupid as I did question it at the time and she was just a friend apparently. I had a few wines the other night and stupidly messaged her just asking when this started, obviously didn’t get a reply

No she’s not right.
Don’t feel bad. No need to punish yourself. You texted don’t worry. Now delete contact so you don’t do it again and try to move away from the pain. Better days are coming soon!

It's not the end of the world that you messaged her. You wanted answers why she was better than you in his eyes. Reality is that she probably isn't, she most likely stroked his ego and he then enjoyed the chase. Even if men don't stray they love attention on them. Hopefully the issue with the testing will make her realise that he was prob lying to her too whilst you were still together and sleeping with her, if it was or has slept with someone else at that time or cheated on her recently.
If you let it go and move on it'll be better for your mental health. Even if she told you either you probably wouldn't trust what she said. She won't want to look bad.
As for your 4 year old, well they're 4, they don't realise the impact of that decision. If they lived with him then they'd be saying they want to live with you. It's not that they don't want to live with you, it's that they miss their Dad and in their head living with him is a sort of logical answer to them. Can't really be compared to a 7 yr old opinion.
Some people have been horrible in their response to you. Just ignore them OP. It hasn't been that long and you're still adjusting. Give yourself some leeway. It'll get better everyday.

Saw a ticktok yesterday that's apt...

Men who jump from one woman straight to another - fleas.

Thought that was apt.

100% normal for kids of divorce /separation esp young child expressing what he is feeling. He didn’t say not with you … he prob wants both parents.

He said he will come and visit me, nice of him haha!

Your four year old doesn't understand that living with his Dad means not living with you.

Very few men do, but I agree that women leave relationships without a back up guy quite often.

I just couldn’t think of anything worse than a relationship so soon after. Regardless if somebody checked out years before.

I mean it's done now so you should forget about it and just move on. But in future? No. NEVER do that again, keep your dignity in silence.

You can keep your dignity and also message the ow/om. Cheats are notorious for gaslighting and varying their recollections. Om/ow often have an axe to grind so some will blab. Hearing the truth can be very cathartic and help the wronged person to move on.

I'd defo message her and tell her you have hiv or sumit 😄,no seriously id message her and just say your welcome to the scum bag let's hope he treats you better than he did me,but we both know once a cheat always a cheat so enjoy your life with him and keep your eyes open at all times,I had messages off my blokes ex and let's say she wanted to kill me lol told her she knew where I lived and stuff and I got 10 years of crap,she was a very scorn woman indeed,used to send letters,cards off about 12 different woman pretending hes been cheating on me with em,in one of em it said they had planned to run off with our youngest daughter and makea family together,so sad,I actually felt sorry for her in the end,in a pathetic sorry way tho,all the while she was out every night sleeping with anything that moved and now at the age of 40 she's dating a 69 year old,after doing all my blokes mates to try get back at him,that also failed to get him back,so she's settled for the only vulnerable person that knows nothing about her and only what she tells him,I bet he's got alot of money that's all il say,I'd leave em to it I know it hurts but please don't turn into my partners ex as it will only make it worse and he will end up hating you and that's not what you need especially if you got kids together,enjoy been single hun and Mr right will follow,don't go looking for him he will find you when you least expect it x

From the other side…I’ve often thought that if me and his wife could have chatted we’d both have had a lot in common. But every situation is different and your ex left for her, so I can see why you would message looking for closure. Her loyalty will be to him though, as mine was. It’s only when you come out of it that the blinkers come off and you realise you were an idiot and start to feel guilt for the role you played. She might never feel like that though if they are telling themselves it’s a love story that had to be told.

Just keep in mind that it was him who hurt you. It’s really easy for both women to hate the other. It’s really easy for all the judgement to fall on the ‘home-wrecker’ ow. It was him who wrecked the home, not her.

'It’s really easy for all the judgement to fall on the ‘home-wrecker’ ow. It was him who wrecked the home, not her.'

The bit on the side is equally as pathetic as the married man/woman. For anyone to fuck someone knowing they're are lying to their spouses is really quite sad and desperate. Yes the married person is ultimately responsible for their marriage but the fling is obviously complicit.

My comment was more about societal hypocrisy and the way we view and speak about the ow. There are always comments on here about checking for STIs, and likening the ow to a sex worker. Sure the man gets a hard time too, but he’s never spoken of like he’s dirty, desperate and diseased. It’s a messed up way of looking at what is a fairly common occurrence in a long term relationship. It’s just too simplistic and probably helps no one. Sometimes people fall in love with someone else, sometimes people go looking for something new with no intention of leaving the primary relationship.

'Sometimes people fall in love with someone else'

Love is rarely involved, what happens is a married man or married woman becomes bored and seeks a thrill. If there is a desperate woman or man waiting in the shadows then a fling will happen.

The om/ow should have more self esteem and see they are just being used. Yes a mm or mw may leave in extremely rare situations but the cycle will then repeat when the cheat gets itchy feet.

I completely get wanting to know. You go over it all in your head, and question whether you missed clues, or were right in your suspicions. I don’t think you’ll get an answer from her though, and even if she does answer, she’s fairly likely to lie. To be honest. If you had suspicions, and they are now together, it seems likely you were right and something was going on.

You being very unkind to refer to the OW not 'lowering herself to OP's level'. The likelihood is that OP's DH was having an affair with the OW, so she's hardly a paragon of virtue.