Is it ever ok to message the OW

[Dorothyy]

So my partner and I split last year and within weeks he was with this new woman, obviously part of me believes it was going on before and they used to go out together frequently whilst I was at home looking after our children (not on their own but as a group of colleagues) I feel so stupid as I did question it at the time and she was just a friend apparently. I had a few wines the other night and stupidly messaged her just asking when this started, obviously didn’t get a reply

You will never get recommendations on MN to contact the OW but my friend met with her and spoke face to face with her and found out her side and it helped her enormously to move forward.

Except even that really depends on the circumstances doesn’t it? How many men do you think honestly approach an OW and say “I’m married with kids but I really fancy you, do you want to be my bit on the side”? I’d bet on that number being close to zero.

Most men do the “we’re separated” or “we’re in the process of getting divorced” or even just point blank deny there ever was or has been a wife/other person in the picture so the OW could end up equally blindsided. My friend was unfortunately in that position not too long ago, met a lovely man via a dating app (so of course you’d assume SINGLE), went on plenty of dates, went on a lovely weekend trip together, she had met his friends, he came out with us and met her friends, I like to think I’m a pretty good judge of character and I thought he seemed a nice guy! A few months down the line she received a message request on facebook- from his wife.

You'll probably never know for sure but if they got together within weeks of you splitting I think it's safe to assume that they were already seeing each other before you split or at least flirting and heading that way.

Either way, it doesn't really matter now. You're well rid of him. Don't give it any more headspace and concentrate on yourself and getting on with your life.

Your ex is the home wrecker.

As PP have said, unless you have a legitimate fear for OW's safety, nothing good is going to come from contacting her.

Nicely OP... the reality is that of COURSE he was cheating on you. There's a very very small chance that he hadn't actually had sex with her yet, but it's pretty obvious that even if that's the case, he had her all lined up. It's also depressingly common.

I'm sorry you are going through this.

'Except even that really depends on the circumstances doesn’t it? How many men do you think honestly approach an OW and say “I’m married with kids but I really fancy you, do you want to be my bit on the side”? I’d bet on that number being close to zero.'

Many women and men actually target married people, they like being a bit on the side.

@Dorothyy I'm not excusing OW but we all know that the chances are the man was lying to the OW as well. A friend of mine whose H apparently only got together with someone 2 weeks AFTER they split up (hollow laugh) also, it turns out, told the other woman that they'd split up 4 months before (but he was, apparently, just stayin gin the house in the short term).

Finding out the truth can be very cathartic. My friend's ex's fling even helpfully sent screen shots so she could see for sure how long it had been going on.

I don't know why the OW gets absolved of all responsibility. They may not have taken vows but is there no requirement now to behave like a decent person anymore ? The whole "she doesn't owe you anything " trope.
Are our standards so low now.
Op he was most certainly cheating but she won't reply or tell you the truth.. she can't spin the yarn that she didn't know he was married so what does that leave her with ?
I totally get where you are coming from but I would try as best you can to look forward , not backwards and focus on your future.

i did text the OW, purely because she needed to know what a piece of shit the man was, violent alcoholic. she did reply telling me that i was wrong about him blah blah blah.

about six months later, she walked into where i worked, and asked to speak to me, with a broken arm which he had given her because she had fled domestic violence and wanted some closure.

i left her there. the moral of the story is, no matter what you text, they won't believe you and they won't be nice to you

I’m in this dilemma.

The OW in this case was a very close friend of mine that I was confiding in as we were both going through divorces at the time.

I hadn’t seen her for five weeks (couple of texts), when I got an email from my STBXH to say he had

It'd be interesting to know how many of these posters who are saying,"it's not the OW's fault, your marriage obviously wasn't working and she was merely a catalyst to speeding up the end of a failing marriage" etc would be so reasonable and forgiving if it was their husband and another woman who'd done this to them. You've been deeply hurt and lied to and your marriage only ended last year, you are bound to still feel very emotional, add a few wines and it's quite understandable how you'd end up messaging her. Forgive yourself, her and your ex are the ones who should feel guilty, not you!

Im so sorry x

I would totally have it out with both of them! Fuck all this higher moral ground bollocks.

There is no way I would rest until I knew what had actually happened. Yes, they could lie but generally you can tell when people are fibbing!

Also, why let them off the hook? This other woman knew of you and your kids and fucked your husband anyway! I would want answers and I would want to watch her squirm.

And, in a few years time, when he does it to her... I would want to watch that burn too.

YANBU to want to do that. Why should she get off guilt free for her part in this?

Obviously the main culprit here is your husband, not her. But I don’t believe OW should be given a pass like many seem to on here.

I would refrain from messaging her anymore, hold your head up high and know they have to live with knowing they broke up a family.

Sorry you are going through this

I think it's really silly to impose some completely arbitrary rules on the OP and other women in her position.

Of course she can contact her if she wants to ask her something.

Having a relationship with someone who is already married is opening yourself up the possibility of your partner's ex (or current!!) partner contacting you.

Sorry posted too soon

Anyway ex wrote that he had asked her out 4 weeks previously (she had been a mutual acquaintance of his before), and that in four weeks it had got very serious. She moved in with him 3 months later.

I was then told by a neighbour that they’d been seen holding hands somewhere they didn’t think they would be seen. I think that’s why they told me when they did.

So I can’t be sure - but to be honest I think there was some overlap between my last contact with her and him asking her out.

I was divorcing because of lying and manipulation on my ex’s part - so it seems reasonable to me that they both were seeing each other before they admitted.

Obviously for me the OW betrayal hurts the most, but obviously my ex knew how close she and I were at the time, so even asking her out seems shitty behaviour to me.

I think I would be thinking about it more if I hadn’t decided that there was overlap, but it helps me put it to bed and move forward.

So I guess as only you know all the details, if it walks and quacks like a duck …….

Because they were being deceitful all along. He lied to you every single time he saw/slept with her by pretending to you that there was nothing going on. So he's good at lying.

Stop being a bitch. The OP hasn't lowered herself
The world really doesn't need your sort

Don't beat yourself up OP, you've done nothing wrong. It's human nature to want to know, it sounds like you've been very dignified thus far. You haven't "lowered yourself" or anything like that.

It doesn't sound like she's going to reply so I think you just need to delete her number and move on. Best of luck xx

Thank you ladies

She may well have not known he was married.

Sorry but it was your ex-husband who was the home wrecker, one way or another. Even if they were together before you split, it was him who was married (although obviously carrying on with a man you know is married is also wrong).

All you’ve achieved by texting her is to show her that it bothers you that they’re together and you’re still hung up on it rather than graciously moving on. She probably wouldn’t have told you the truth anyway.

@Mnetcurious , OP and her XP have children together.

@Dorothyy , I contacted the OW because XP was violent.

I’d probably have done the same op but as others say better to look forward than back. Hugs x