Is it ever ok to message the OW

[Dorothyy]

So my partner and I split last year and within weeks he was with this new woman, obviously part of me believes it was going on before and they used to go out together frequently whilst I was at home looking after our children (not on their own but as a group of colleagues) I feel so stupid as I did question it at the time and she was just a friend apparently. I had a few wines the other night and stupidly messaged her just asking when this started, obviously didn’t get a reply

It doesn't matter how.

Your relationship is in the past. Going over the hows and whys is only going to hurt you.

Hi Op, I can totally see how you've done this drunkenly or not as others have said we sit stewing just wanting to make sense of things. I'm not going to lie I've been unfortunate enough to have been in a similar position twice a few years back and I messaged both 🤦‍♀️ first one gave me dribs and drabs of information but then turned out to be some raving druggy who wanted paying for the information so I told her to do one the second one I just knew there was something going on and I found the proof of the now ex partners phone.. I took her number and messaged her off my phone as at one point we were supposed to be 'friends'. She didn't reply to me but she did message my then partner freaking out I'd messaged her and how on earth I'd found out ect! Months later she messaged me some BS excuses as to why she did it, I returned the favour by not replying this time 😏 she lied through her teeth anyway!

In time OP it does get easier but a year in, it can still feel rather 'raw'.

I hope your ok x

What it shows is that you had and still have no idea when this started. Which is the truth. It implies you thought everything was going along normally or at the least - you were not in a situation where you thought he was being unfaithful. He will have told her lots about why he had to be unfaithful. At least she knows you were blindsided and still confused.
Theres no loss of dignity from you - you were just trying to work out facts when he was lying.

You can’t ignore the how’s and why’s and they will eat away at you for a long time. You are trying to make sense of it so you can move forward.

Obviously don’t follow it up. But one question on its own - and left like that - is restrained and dignified. You asked, she didn’t answer, you will find ways to move on.

What you can guarantee is that she will never 100% trust him.

Bit bloody harsh there. In all likelihood the OP was cheated on and the ow, assuming she knew, was complicit in the harm done. There's absolutely nothing "dignified" about that.

I don’t see why you shouldn’t message the OW on a one-off basis. I’ve had the OW message me. Although it pretty much tore my world apart, I was pleased to know the truth and I believe she felt great relief in telling me what had been going on. OW’s don’t like being stashed (who does), I think it’s more that the moment she probably wanted to tell you ‘everything’ has passed. You seem to know the truth, there was a crossover period, I’m pretty sure your hunch may be correct. Ultimately my hunch was correct, my only advice is you don’t get the satisfaction you think you might from plundering the details and matching up the timelines/duplicity.

It makes no difference that I posted yesterday.

There is no right answer to your question, and the responses you get from people on-line are not going to be consistent as everyone comes with their own experience and own agenda.

What's done is done. It doesn't matter. Time to move on.

Thankfully she behaved with dignity and has not lowered herself to your level and replied.

That is unnecessarily unkind.

Nothing OP has said suggests the OW has any kind of right to the moral high ground or that OP has "lowered herself".

OP is obviously still grieving the end of her relationship, so why kick her when she is down? Messaging the OW was unwise (as OP concedes), but it doesn't mean she has "lowered herself" neither does the OW's lack of response make her some kind of beacon of dignity or goodness.

OP - you know messaging that woman was the wrong thing to do, but it's perfectly understandable and many of us have done silly things when we are hurt. Forgive yourself and move on. I hope you feel better soon. Many of us have been in your position and understand the hurt you are feeling. ❤

With the greatest of softness, the OW isn't the one who did you dirty.

Even if she knew he was married, she owed you nothing, regardless if you think she did you wrong, she wasn't the one breaking vows.

You can't change the past, you can't unsent the message, but be kind to yourself and don't message her again.

As tempting as this is it probably wont help anything, Ive done it myself and it was awful, she knew all about me, didnt care and was vile to me so just made things worse really.
Sorry OP wish you the best

It’s relevant because I’m intrigued to find out why she is so much better than me. It’s hurtful at least just say it didn’t work between us and I met somebody else

There's a lot of things that seem like a good idea at the time and this is one of those. I think, much as it's niggling at you, you have have to remember a) the OW is not your friend and b) she is under no obligation to tell you anything. Knowing the truth isn't going to change anything or make anything better. She will find out who he really is soon enough. Gather up the remains of your self esteem and move on - you deserve better.

He’s the home wrecker. She owed you nothing.

Ouch that’s harsh

She isn't better than you. He most likely cheated on you, the mother of his kids, because he is selfish and arrogant. It's really not any kind of failing or deficiency on your part, or any kind of spectacularness of OW - he cheated because of HIS deficiences. How can she be very spectacular if she's playing house with him and your kids, weeks after he left? Doesn't matter if she's the most gorgeous/intelligent/rich person in the world - her morals are turd.

The point that is is not some sort of deficiency on your part and it is in fact a serious flaw on his part is a really important point to accept in your healing.

I did it OP and I'm so glad I did. She replied that he had been OLD behind my back and told her that I was just a friend and he was living in my basement. In fact his office was in the basement. He also neglected to tell her that we had a young DD. She was embarrassed that she had been taken in by his lies. I felt able to put it behind me after he wasted nine years of my life and abandoned our child. Don't feel bad about messaging her, you don't know what he's told her and even if she doesn't reply, it will give her food for thought.

Again with the MN sexist 'karma'. Wouldn't karma be the new GF cheating on the ex husband? Why prize the man while devaluing the woman? 'Comeuppance' sounds like something my granny would have said, she was the most sexist person I've ever met.

Men are 100% responsible for their own actions.

I'm sorry but I don't agree with this at all. If the OW even had an inkling this man was married she should have told him there is no way I'm getting with you until you have ended your marriage. It's called respect. In my opinion they are both homewreckers unless the marriage or marriages have formally ended.

Woah. This is so unnecessarily nasty.

Firstly, using the term "bitchy" to describe another woman is awful. You need to work on your internalised misogyny.

Secondly, OP hasn't lowered herself to any level. She sent a message that was probably a bit ill judged, but she is understandably emotional about the situation.

The OW could absolutely have replied with something kind... Which is what happened to me in this exact situation. She was lovely in a moment that needed it, and showed real respect for me as another woman.

It costs nothing to do the right thing, and it means an awful lot to the other person.

Only text OW to tell her there is another OW.

Or even further to your level. A person who can't miss an opportunity to stick the knife in for the sake of it.