Is it ever ok to message the OW

[Dorothyy]

So my partner and I split last year and within weeks he was with this new woman, obviously part of me believes it was going on before and they used to go out together frequently whilst I was at home looking after our children (not on their own but as a group of colleagues) I feel so stupid as I did question it at the time and she was just a friend apparently. I had a few wines the other night and stupidly messaged her just asking when this started, obviously didn’t get a reply

Your exes new partner will be team him. Unless he's already blotted his copy book with her, you can safely assume any communication you have with her will be through a filter of her love for him and desire to protect and promote his interests. If she had replied it would be almost certainly to assure you that he kept his feelings under wraps for her until you'd separated. It may even be true. She may have insisted that he ended things with you before she'd start a relationship with him. A lot of women would because they wouldn't want to be the OW.

There are no rules about this type of thing, but it is pointless. They're together, so she's hardly going to say anything to cause him trouble. And if they had split up she might say anything to get him into trouble. So really you're never really going to know the truth unless he admits something.

It doesn't help, particularly, but it's a pretty normal thing for the wronged ex-wife to do. Shag a married man, you can't be surprised when you get an aggro text! Don't be embarrassed OP, you're not the first and you won't be the last.

Don't be like my dad's OW though and turn up unannounced and pissed at my mum's new flat late at night to show text messages from my dad and gloat. Now that's embarrassing!

It's morally ok, but it's probably unhelpful.

I think it’s a shame that so many people need to rely on other people to gain closure. That’s giving all of your power away. It should be enough to know you’re well shot of an unhappy relationship and you deserve better.
I have tons of questions for my last ex, even a few months down the line but I will never give him the satisfaction of thinking I give enough of a fuck to even ask them. As time goes on, I care less about why it ended and care more that it DID end because now I am coming out of the thick of missing someone, I can see all of the flaws and issues that meant it would never work.

You can talk to who you want, when you want about what you want. Just because you can, doesn't mean you should. Whether it is going to be productive is a different matter. Is there anything that she could say which would make you feel better/satisfied ? It is unlikely. Be glad she has got the cheating twat to deal with now and she will likely lose him the way she gained him.

Not being funny but why would it be a problem to be "bothered" by the fact that your marriage has been ended and your ex husband has shacked up with a new partner within a matter of weeks?

What high school games are we playing where it's considered somehow inappropriate for the OP to have negative feelings about how the situation has transpired?

If I was the OW or the ExH I would fully expect the ex wife to be fucking bothered.

The OW has dignity? How is that then?

And the OP lowered herself? Again, hows that?

It completely depends on where the woman is at and what she wants, I have a friend who likes no strings sex and prefers married men because she doesn't want commitment and knows they just want sex too.

If they think the woman wants a committed relationship then yes they will lie.

But some women just meet someone they're attracted to and want to have sex with them and that's it. My friend can't stand clingy men.

Don't do this to yourself @Dorothyy . The OW is really neither here nor there. Your partner cheated on you and she was simply the vessel that facilitated his actions. Who knows what bullshit he told her. The point is he was in a relationship with you, that you presumably believed was monogamous and exclusive and he lied to you, deceived you and through his actions broke up your relationship and also your family. Those are the facts and very little about her actually matters.

You are understandably grieving and bewildered but trying to strike up a conversation with the OW is not the way to go and deep down you know this.

Focus on yourself now and on your DC. You have to heal and take the time to do that. Do everything you can to care for yourself in the best way possible. Treat yourself like the amazing person you are and the amazing mum that you are and take each day at a time. If you don't feel you can do it on your own, get some counselling or rant away on here, but don't ever get in touch with the OW again. I say all of this as someone who found myself in your shoes 20 years ago and wished that someone had said these things to me.

Depends of how much drama you want to add. I would pass.

I have done this but did not ask any questions or invite any sort of response. Just told her what I thought of her. Felt much better.

I did. I messaged her to say she had 24 hours to tell her husband, or I would.

I got a sob story from her about how marriage is hard and how my husband gave her the comfort and attention she needed. And how my husband was more into her than she was into him.

No apology.

But boy, it made me feel better.

It’s fine. You are grieving the loss of your marriage. Don’t do it again because it will only make you feel worse. But don’t beat yourself up about it either.

The only thing you will accomplish by messaging the OW is to create drama for yourself and end up in a situation where you will be feeling embarrassed. While none of what happened is your fault, digging into your ex's life will bring you nothing but negative feelings. If I were in your position, I will be trying to move on and figure out why you allowed someone to treat you so badly for years before you decided enough was enough, Use this as an opportunity to understand yourself better so you don't let anyone treat you badly ever again.

True, by if MN is anything to go by, if your exH has done it once, he’ll do it again and she’ll get her comeuppance in due course. I’d leave it to fate/the gods/karma to redress the scales and focus on yourself now. Knowing for certain it was going on back then doesn’t help anymore than knowing it is highly likely, is it? It won’t give you closure, just open new wounds and rub salt in existing ones.

We’ve all ‘drunk’ texted. Just forget about it for now.

"Thankfully she behaved with dignity and has not lowered herself to your level and replied."

You lost me at this bit.

How, exactly, has she behaved with dignity? And do you think it's appropriate to kick the OP when she is down?

Ffs 🤦‍♀️

OP, one of the cruelest things men can do in these situations is refuse to give the full, honest truth.

It's really shitty and no wonder it led to you sending that message.

But, as tactless and unnecessary as the above poster was, she is correct in that, if the OW does get back to you, you will never know if she is telling the truth.

As hard as it is, you need to just try and move on.

xxx

That’s a really shitty thing to say to the OP.

Same.

She's probably not replying because she knows she's in the wrong. Don't waste any more time on her OP, she's got what she deserves.

A totally human reaction to text her, OP.

She’s clearly too embarrassed to answer.

She's equally likely not to be replying because he's spun her the crazy ex yarn and she doesn't want a stalker on her hands. Or because she (correctly) thinks the OPs former relationship with her partner is none of her business. Or because she has nothing to tell the OP that could help her and doesnt want to add to her pain. The only thing anyone knows for sure here is that the guy ended his relationship with OP to be with her, either with or without some crossover. Nothing the woman can tell OP will change that so there's no happy outcome for OP.

I imagine you texted this woman to try & get some form of closure. I believe the deceipt if it was an affair is just as hurtful as the idea of them sleeping together. Regardless if it was an affair neither of them would admit to it. The fact there was no reply to say it definitely wasn't means it's more likely it was cheating on both parts. Let cheats stick together. I've no respect for those who enter into illicit relationships when still married. The least they can do is end their prospective marriages first. Move on OP & enjoy your newly found freedom💃😀

So sorry you are going through this. I had a friend in a similar situation but the potential 'OW' stuck to the story of 'we got together after you split up' nonsense & didn't want to talk BUT when he left her she made contact with ex wife & 'wanted to talk'. Ex wife (my friend) just ignored & blocked her. In my view it's incredibly cruel to not be honest as the ex wife was re living the situation over & over & it almost sent her mad.

I don't think it's worth it - as tempting as it may be. I may have done it myself if I had had the OW's number.

They will almost certainly gaslight you, you probably won't get the answers you're looking for, it could add to the whole 'my ExW is crazy' narrative and bring the Ex and the OW closer together with you as the 'enemy in common'.

I also think it could look a little desperate and undignified.