Is it ever ok to message the OW

[Dorothyy]

So my partner and I split last year and within weeks he was with this new woman, obviously part of me believes it was going on before and they used to go out together frequently whilst I was at home looking after our children (not on their own but as a group of colleagues) I feel so stupid as I did question it at the time and she was just a friend apparently. I had a few wines the other night and stupidly messaged her just asking when this started, obviously didn’t get a reply

Going through this just now @Dorothyy I know how you feel. Just a few weeks after and he has been shagging another woman in our bed. A bed I will have to sleep in when me and DS move back and he moves out. I have no idea who it is. I totally understand the curiosity. When in public I look at anyone my age or under, if a younger girl looks at me for too long I’m convincing myself it’s her. Don’t beat yourself up and know that you deserve so much better than this 💐 what you did is natural. Who’s to say I wouldn’t have done it in your position. Try to delete any trace of this woman from your phone if you haven’t already so it doesn’t happen again.

sending lots of love to you. Better days coming for us both ❤️

OP don’t feel bad about messaging her!!
you are only human. The only reason I’d say don’t is because of the impact on you- otherwise who bloody cares? Sounds like something- at least an emotional affair was definitely going on- it’s only been a few weeks. They both did you dirty. Don’t feel ashamed, you’ve done nothing wrong xx

Because he as convinced he has caught this rare form of herpes from a zoo abroad that you can get from Monkeys but after the swab it just confirmed normal herpes. I don’t even understand why this is the highlight of the conversation

One of the harder things to accept is that you'll very probably never know the truth. Even if you were told the truth, how would you know? Would you believe it? Or would you just disappear down a rabbit hole of second-guessing and over-thinking?

Much better to focus on moving your own life forward and getting to a stage where you can accept that it doesn't even matter any more anyway. It's very liberating to be in that place.

Yes

@Dorothyy do you mean he has cold sores? You said they were on his face, not his cock - is that correct? Cold sores aren't really an STD. You could be tested for herpes simplex (cold sores) and it come back positive but about 70% of the population carry the virus anyway, so that wouldn't really mean anything.

I'm honestly not sure what you are trying to do or achieve here. What is it you want from the OW? I think you need to step away from this mess and focus on yourself and the DC.

I don't know why pp are questioning the op's motives.
If I were cheated on, I'd be livid. They're both scummy, guilt (and herpes) ridden cheats.
Wishing you well, op.
Hope you're happier without him xx.

well either way he never had it before. Just wanted to make sure it wasn’t passed onto me

That really wasn’t the case

Well that’s ok, I don’t know much about it

Because it’s not normal for the kids to be introduced so soon,

What a horrible thing to say.

👍🏻

But how can a normal, rational person in any shape or form think that this is ok? He genuinely believes he hasn’t done anything wrong

Tell him to shut his hole because you don't take orders from him. He needs to stop bothering you and go catch more STIs from zoo animals. (haha!)

You had every right to ask if you felt like it. Likely cheaters are not in a protected class who can't be asked that question. And of course from what you've said, they most likely did cheat behind your back.

Now she's realizing she got the type of person she most likely deserves and the type of person she, herself most likely is. Let her think he "cheated" with you. What goes around, comes around! She'll be looking over her shoulder with him as long as they're together, and vice versa.

Also, she is NOT better than you. Please don't ever say that. Your ex is simply not worthy of YOU and feels more comfortable with someone on his own (very low) level (if she participated in cheating). He'll probably do the same to her, and/or she'll do it to him.

You did nothing wrong and they deserve the mess the question caused for them. Now, leave the trash behind and move on to a great new life. :)

@Dorothyy I tell you from bitter experience, it matters not now what your ex-P thinks. He isn't your problem anymore. He's moved on and you need to too. Other than interactions about your mutual children, forget him and crack on with your own life. Getting all caught up in your ex-P and the OW is a waste of your valuable time and emotional energy. There are a million and one better things for you to focus on - I promise.

OW hasn't won a prize, she's signed up for a relationship with a cheater. She's made her bed with this proven liar. BUT it is her bed, not yours, so you are free to detach yourself and lead a life free of this unworthy man.