Should I cancel elopement plans?

[PlumHiker]

Need some perspective so apologies in advance if this is long winded!

For background, myself and my partner live overseas (>24hrs travel from UK). We've been together over 15 years and have an infant.

My sister is getting married later this year and has planned a massive wedding (think >100 at her meal), we will be travelling to attend this as a family, and we all can't wait.

My partner and I have travelled to the same place every year around July/August for a holiday since moving here and last year talked about an elopement when we were on our babymoon there however due to my health at the time I wasn't sure I'd be able to fly and so we postponed plans til post baby. We never shared this with anyone (ie how an elopement works).

Fast forward to this year and we have our first trip booked as a family of three and began discussing the idea of elopement again. We've reached out to a couple of companies for a quote for a very small affair - literally just as and 2 witnesses. Total cost will be less than the flights home for my sisters wedding.

Earlier in the week I decided to speak to her about it - mostly out of excitement as she will be the only person we tell in advance.. we are both very close despite the physical miles between us and she was the first person I shared my pregnancy news with. Her response was the complete opposite of what I was expecting. She was really upset and asked us not to do it and to wait until after they get married later in the year, to "let them have their day". There is about 2 months between our trip and their wedding. She also mentioned she was upset that we announced our pregnancy to family the same week her daughter was born and so now feels I'm just trying to overshadow them again.

With regards to baby announcement, we'd already told my in laws and my parents were about to go on holiday so the timing wasn't great but we felt a bit stuck. My parents were also going to be away with friends and we thought it was important our immediate family knew before anyone else. She'd never spoken to me about this before but I do acknowledge her feelings about this, and appreciate that she could be upset by the timing.

We've already booked and paid for this trip - which to be honest we'd be doing anyway, and are hoping to try for another baby after her wedding. I'm mid 30s so time is not my friend! I've spoken to my partner and he thinks it's absolutely nothing to do with anyone else (this is part of the reason we've never done a big wedding - geography being another!). Neither of us are big on social media and have no plans for a big wide announcement of our nuptials to "one up" my sister or anything.

I'm really struggling with this - hoping for helpful advice on how to navigate...

IABU - I should postpone any wedding plans til after my sisters wedding (and potential baby 2) since we've waited this long anyway

IANBU - have our quiet day, sign the form and discreetly share with family after.

Yes. That’s what we did. It leaked out five years later, as I’d genuinely forgotten we hadn’t told anyone!

And PS, your sister sounds like a total loon. Getting married is a deeply usual thing, ditto having a baby. It doesn’t book you a news cycle of family ‘limelight’.

I think the issue is everyone will be congratulating you on her wedding day. Even if you only tell your parents, I’m sure it will get out on the day. So I think you should elope after the wedding or tell absolutely no one about it until afterwards (including your sister, parents and in-laws).

@CaptainFuture - my post made no sense at all did it? 😂

I am astounded so many people are of the opinion announcing births and getting married in the same year is thunder stealing. Honestly people need to get a grip and move out of their childhood as it’s pathetic. Live your life how you want. No you shouldn’t have to delay your own wedding as your sister feels she owns this year for weddings.

I don’t either. There is absolutely no reason why, having got married, Op shouldn’t wear her wedding ring at the wedding either. Or pop a whatsapp to say ‘btw Mr OP and I cemented our 15year relationship this weekend and are really happy. Looking forward to seeing you all at DSis’s amazing day in two months’, is there?

I mean, if you were planning on arriving at the wedding in a white dress/tiara and ‘just married’ sash, then yes it’ll be out of order, but DSis doesn’t own the wedding calendar for 2025.

I know. It's like living in a parallel universe isn't it. I can only think this is why the TV soaps are so marmite. Half of us think the plots are WTAF but some people are gripped and nodding along, thinking: 'Yes, entirely reasonable that you'd stab your sister and run over her lifeless body in the wedding car for having eloped two months ago.'

If you were being completely honest, were you competing with each other as children and
when you made your pregnancy announcement did all eyes turn from your sister and her baby to focus on you and your news?
In some families people would be so excited to hear that their sibling was also going to become a parent so it’s hard to say

Interesting take. If anything it's the other way round!

You’ve been together 15 years and now all of a sudden there’s this urgent desperate need to get married….

I just don’t get this ‘thunder stealing’ mentality at all. People get married, have babies all of the time. If everyone waited to coordinate where would we be?! It is attention seeking to want others to put THEIR own lives on hold so you can be in the full limelight for a YEAR.

So your sister is being bloody ridiculous, quite frankly.

I would get married quietly if this is what I wanted and tell them in January next year. Are you really wanting an elopement and why if you are close to your family? I would be so sad to miss such an important day.

Your partner is right,go ahead with your plans your sister is pathetic and childish. She sounds a show off and thinks she is the centre of the Universe. As for being upset you annoyed your pregnancy the same week she had her baby, so what it is a happy event one to be shared.

Your sister sounds like an attention seeking show off. Thank God no one in my family has that mentality. Don't change your plans just because of your sisters ego.

Your partner is right,go ahead with your plans your sister is pathetic and childish. She sounds a show off and thinks she is the centre of the Universe. As for being upset you annoyed your pregnancy the same week she had her baby, so what it is a happy event one to be shared.

Your sister sounds like an attention seeking show off. Thank God no one in my family has that mentality. Don't change your plans just because of your sisters ego.@

Sorry about the duplication.

I would think it was lovely if someone were close too announced nice news like a wedding or baby etc. At the same time as us, why is life a competition in here?

Why couldn't we share their news?

How unreasonable of the OP to consider getting married in the same decade as her sister; and she should have planned her baby better so that her sisters baby celebrated its 21st birthday before she announced a pregnancy.

Honestly, some of the reples on this thread are utterly insane. The world does not revolve around the OP's sister, despite the fact that she obviously thinks it does. OP, do what you want. Apart from anything else, you have a child to consider, and the standard advice on this site is to ensure that you are married ... apart from when your sister is getting married in the same year, apparently.

No. Not this.

Why on earth were you irritated that your BIL got married on your wedding anniversary? Did you think you’d bagsied that date in perpetuity by virtue of getting married on it, or something?

I think there might be a backstory here, also it depends how you announced your pregnancy

Were you the favourite growing up? Or did you compete for attention. It could be upsetting when your sibling is the favourite and anytime something happens to you, your sibling makes an announcement and everyone's attention turns to her.

Before I get accused of being a bridezilla, my sister (who was the favourite as children) had been engaged for years and got married 2 months before me. I had got engaged and booked my wedding within a year, but I didn't mind at all.

And how did you announce you were pregnant? Was it the first time everyone met the baby, and did you give your sister time to answer everyone's questions and be the center of attention for a while, or was it as soon as you sat down? That would definitely feel like usurping her moment.

I'm pregnant and we told someone, and they quickly announced they were also pregnant (2 weeks behind), and then they asked me once about how I was feeling, but quickly cut me off and started speaking about themselves. I found it really rude tbh. They only ask questions now to find out what will happen to them at their next appointment, like I'm the font of pregnancy knowledge at 15wks lol.

She's your sister...she should be happy for your news.. Is she usually such a diva?

Just don't tell anyone you got married for a few months. Why would you need to tell people as presumably you don't want any attention, you just want to get married quietly.

Let's be serious an elopement is never going to overshadow a big wedding

I normally have little sympathy for the "stealing my thunder" argument and I couldn't care less about the pregnancy announcement on the week of the birth as the birth massively trumps the announcement. However I do see your sister's point of view on the elopement, only because there is a high chance that people treat her wedding as also being a celebration of your wedding. I can envisage father of the bride mentioning it in his speech, lots of relatives congratulating you and your new husband, possibly giving cards and gifts etc and because they didn't have a reception for you possibly someone saying it is to celebrate you too. Could you do the elopement but not announce that you have until way after her wedding?

Since there's been a few of these competitive siblings posts I'll address that. No we've never been competitive, we both live very different lives on opposite sides of the world and until now have always got on. That's my perception anyway but I realise that might not be hers.

I've lived away from home since I turned 18, and I've overseas been for over 7 years. My pregnancy was announced to my parents via whatsapp video call. There was no big Facebook post or instagram reel at any point during my pregnancy - so the only people who knew were people we specifically told at the time.

I also live so far away that I'm not in their day to day lives.