Should I cancel elopement plans?

[PlumHiker]

Need some perspective so apologies in advance if this is long winded!

For background, myself and my partner live overseas (>24hrs travel from UK). We've been together over 15 years and have an infant.

My sister is getting married later this year and has planned a massive wedding (think >100 at her meal), we will be travelling to attend this as a family, and we all can't wait.

My partner and I have travelled to the same place every year around July/August for a holiday since moving here and last year talked about an elopement when we were on our babymoon there however due to my health at the time I wasn't sure I'd be able to fly and so we postponed plans til post baby. We never shared this with anyone (ie how an elopement works).

Fast forward to this year and we have our first trip booked as a family of three and began discussing the idea of elopement again. We've reached out to a couple of companies for a quote for a very small affair - literally just as and 2 witnesses. Total cost will be less than the flights home for my sisters wedding.

Earlier in the week I decided to speak to her about it - mostly out of excitement as she will be the only person we tell in advance.. we are both very close despite the physical miles between us and she was the first person I shared my pregnancy news with. Her response was the complete opposite of what I was expecting. She was really upset and asked us not to do it and to wait until after they get married later in the year, to "let them have their day". There is about 2 months between our trip and their wedding. She also mentioned she was upset that we announced our pregnancy to family the same week her daughter was born and so now feels I'm just trying to overshadow them again.

With regards to baby announcement, we'd already told my in laws and my parents were about to go on holiday so the timing wasn't great but we felt a bit stuck. My parents were also going to be away with friends and we thought it was important our immediate family knew before anyone else. She'd never spoken to me about this before but I do acknowledge her feelings about this, and appreciate that she could be upset by the timing.

We've already booked and paid for this trip - which to be honest we'd be doing anyway, and are hoping to try for another baby after her wedding. I'm mid 30s so time is not my friend! I've spoken to my partner and he thinks it's absolutely nothing to do with anyone else (this is part of the reason we've never done a big wedding - geography being another!). Neither of us are big on social media and have no plans for a big wide announcement of our nuptials to "one up" my sister or anything.

I'm really struggling with this - hoping for helpful advice on how to navigate...

IABU - I should postpone any wedding plans til after my sisters wedding (and potential baby 2) since we've waited this long anyway

IANBU - have our quiet day, sign the form and discreetly share with family after.

This is silly. 50 years ago I knew twins who got married within 6 weeks of each other. No one thought anything of it at all. Babies got announce whenever. Why is everything such a drama?

Usually I am firmly in the you have a week before of your wedding to be upset about big announcements and that excludes births.

However here @PlumHiker you live away from your family and I would suspect the first time you will see them and extended family after the elopement would be at your sisters wedding. Due to this you would get a lot of congratulations and perhaps even some cards and presents. I get why sister doesn't want that to overshadow her day.

I also feel you could have waited a bit after the birth of your niece but I also get why you chose not to. That one I get both point of views of.

If I was you I would do the elopement but wait to announce until after sisters wedding (and a bit more than a week after)

Well, I can only answer for me and I think it's all so overblown and dramatic. Maybe not announce a pregnancy at a wedding but families quite often use these sort of occasions to exchange news.

i've lived away from home since I turned 18, and I've overseas been for over 7 years.
Is it really an elopement if you live on thr other side of the world from family? Not just a small ceremony where you live?
Who are you eloping from?

But if she lives far away, this is probably also her only opportunity to see her family for a while.

People who are worried about thunder being stolen need to learn that the world doesn't revolve around them.

My wedding was the first time half our family got to meet a new baby, who was three weeks old at the time. I'm sure that was more exciting for most of them than me getting married. Did I care about the baby stealing my thunder? No. Because I'm an adult.

I mean if by small ceremony you mean me, my partner and my baby then yes.

We are travelling to a different part of the country for the wedding, specifically so we can do it in a special place to us - hence terming it an elopement. Won't have any of our close friends there either.

This is ridiculous. I can't imagine anyone I know caring that someone else has announced their pregnancy when they've just had a baby. Surely people are too focused on their new baby to give a shit about pretty much anything anyone else does. The joy of a new baby is having a baby, not being the centre of attention for six weeks (six weeks! -wtf?!), but even if it were how a pregnancy announcement could overshadow an actual baby being born is beyond me.

Just get married and don't tell anyone until after her wedding

It’s completely overblown and dramatic! As someone else said, it smacks of main character syndrome

So the first time you see your extended family after the elopement will be your sister’s wedding? Edited to say: You may not tell anyone - are you sure the family you ‘discreetly notify’ will do the same? It only takes one person with loose lips and the entire extended family will know.

I’m fairly sure your family will want to congratulate you so you will effectively be hijacking her reception for yourself. Are you planning to offer to pay for half? Not that I think that would make it OK.

The only way I think this is reasonable is if you don’t tell anyone about the elopement until after the wedding.

BTW, I would feel differently if you weren’t eloping. Nobody gets to book a whole year and if that was the case, your family would get all the attention to you well out of the way prior to your sister’s wedding day.

If you announced your pregnancy at the first family gathering to meet your dn then I could see your sisters upset but otherwise she's ridiculous and as long as you don't announce your marriage at her wedding that's also a non issue.

Probably easiest not to tell her and if you tell your parents ask them not to mention it.

See I don't get responses like this at all. Clearly there was a reason she told them that week and the baby might have been late etc. But why can't families celebrate 2 lots of good news at the same time?!

Seems like people are firmly in one camp or the other and what we can deduce from this thread is that you don't know how the other person will react.

Personally I would have no problem for my sister to get married the same year as me or tell me she was pregnant when I was due. All happy news as far as I'm concerned!

As your updates suggest this is out of character, and she was originally fine with your pregnancy announcement, I would suspect that her being upset actually has nothing to do with this and that maybe there’s something else going on. Maybe the wedding planning is stressful and she’s a bit resentful that you will get the excitement without the stress. Maybe every time she talks to anyone about her wedding they say they can’t wait because they’re looking forward to seeing you/can’t wait to meet your child. Maybe when she talks about it someone always jokes that your partner will propose to you at the wedding and that’s been winding her up. Seeing as you live so far away, it must be hard for you to have a gauge on whether there’s anything else going on that might have led to her exploding at the idea of this. It also probably doesn’t help that because nobody else knows, nobody can talk her round.

I’d have no problem my sister getting married the same year as me - I just think what the OP is planning has a significant risk of hijacking’s the sister’s reception which I don’t think is fair.

It seems a bit odd that the OP has managed to ‘accidentally’ draw attention to herself during her sister’s significant milestones twice. I have to wonder if part of the reason the sister is upset is because the OP makes a habit of this.

Well you broke the golden rule of elopement by telling someone. Now you’re paying the price.

I agree with PP. Just elope, but keep it to yourself until Christmas or something. The problem is, DSIS is likely to ask you whether you’re going ahead and you will have to decide whether to lie or not.

If youre not wanting a huge fuss, do the elopement and tell everyone a year later! At least they'll know the right date (apart from the year)

I don't think your sister should be allowed to control when you announce a pregnancy or get married. Two months between the two weddings is plenty of time.

Or maybe the whole family only comes together like this a few times a year - given they are not in the same country - so unless she announces her pregnancy after the baby’s born, because the next family meeting is 6m later or announces that she and DH are married on their 25th wedding anniversry (oops, won’t be able to do that either will she?!) … when is she supposed to announce it?

Why can’t she have her small, private wedding ceremony (no, it’s not an elopement) in her own country and let her parents know TWO MONTHS before her sister’s wedding? It will have blown over and been long forgotten before the sister’s big day.

Selfish?

Stealing her thunder?

Fuck me. Nowt as funny as folk.

Your sister is an unreasonable drama queen.

Go through with your quiet, low key wedding.

Although I'm tempted to say you are also unreasonable by banging on about "eloping". I hate how that word is now wrongly applied to almost all small no fuss weddings.

Thanks for all the responses. I'm going to step away from the thread now as I think I've given as much detail as is needed and have enough opinions to think about going forward...

I can see how the crowd is split and it's helpful in helping me see other points of view (which was the point of the post). Even if some of them are expressed in interesting ways - the joy of the internet!

I thought she was joking tbh.
I'm struggling to see the problem.

That is you and your reactions. Ops sister feels differently. If sister has felt she was overshadowed by op a lot in their life then this may feel like a step to far for her.
As sister is paying for the big wedding I understand her feelings. Op claims she is close with her sister and I suspect would like to remain close with her after. If so I would hear sisters feelings on this.

People will react in different ways to others as they have had different experiences. Even op and her sister likely growing up in the same home had different childhoods.

I don't think sister is being a drama queen as many claim her to be. She expressed her feelings to her sister well in advance of both weddings and way after their children were born. Communication is the way forward here.

You've been together 15 years and decide to get married two months before your sister? you announce your pregnancy the week she has her baby?
I can see why she's a bit miffed.
If you're close maybe give her feelings a bit of consideration.

I think she wants to be the centre of attention. I’d just do it and not say.