Should I cancel elopement plans?

[PlumHiker]

Need some perspective so apologies in advance if this is long winded!

For background, myself and my partner live overseas (>24hrs travel from UK). We've been together over 15 years and have an infant.

My sister is getting married later this year and has planned a massive wedding (think >100 at her meal), we will be travelling to attend this as a family, and we all can't wait.

My partner and I have travelled to the same place every year around July/August for a holiday since moving here and last year talked about an elopement when we were on our babymoon there however due to my health at the time I wasn't sure I'd be able to fly and so we postponed plans til post baby. We never shared this with anyone (ie how an elopement works).

Fast forward to this year and we have our first trip booked as a family of three and began discussing the idea of elopement again. We've reached out to a couple of companies for a quote for a very small affair - literally just as and 2 witnesses. Total cost will be less than the flights home for my sisters wedding.

Earlier in the week I decided to speak to her about it - mostly out of excitement as she will be the only person we tell in advance.. we are both very close despite the physical miles between us and she was the first person I shared my pregnancy news with. Her response was the complete opposite of what I was expecting. She was really upset and asked us not to do it and to wait until after they get married later in the year, to "let them have their day". There is about 2 months between our trip and their wedding. She also mentioned she was upset that we announced our pregnancy to family the same week her daughter was born and so now feels I'm just trying to overshadow them again.

With regards to baby announcement, we'd already told my in laws and my parents were about to go on holiday so the timing wasn't great but we felt a bit stuck. My parents were also going to be away with friends and we thought it was important our immediate family knew before anyone else. She'd never spoken to me about this before but I do acknowledge her feelings about this, and appreciate that she could be upset by the timing.

We've already booked and paid for this trip - which to be honest we'd be doing anyway, and are hoping to try for another baby after her wedding. I'm mid 30s so time is not my friend! I've spoken to my partner and he thinks it's absolutely nothing to do with anyone else (this is part of the reason we've never done a big wedding - geography being another!). Neither of us are big on social media and have no plans for a big wide announcement of our nuptials to "one up" my sister or anything.

I'm really struggling with this - hoping for helpful advice on how to navigate...

IABU - I should postpone any wedding plans til after my sisters wedding (and potential baby 2) since we've waited this long anyway

IANBU - have our quiet day, sign the form and discreetly share with family after.

This. You want to be married before her don't you?

This is nuts. Go and elope and do what you need. 2 months before is not stealing anyones thunder but seeing as your sister is so precious and may be seriously wounded by such a hurtful action (!), don't mention it.
I'd have another chat with her though to see if she's come to her senses.
Pregnancies, births and marriages are part of most peoples lives. It's silly to think you have to be so, so special that your own sister can't announce her marriage in case it takes the specialness of yours away.

OP, just wait a bit longer if you don’t want her falling out with you. You’ve been together 15 years already. Your sister obviously wants to one up you by getting wed first.

I think it is a dick move to be honest. And announcing your pregnancy when you did. You sound very self centred. If you want to elope you clearly aren't bothered about everyone being there or knowing so why tell anyone anyway. Just keep it all quiet.

The thing is you could wait until after but then what if she gets pregnant will you be stealing her thunder by announcing your elopement

Just do it, presumably you're going to take a photo album to her wedding, if anyone asks on the day about your own just say 'oh was just very low key and private' which from what I'm understanding will be true

How does this is impact the sister's wedding?

Do you both suffer from main character syndrome?

Would her wedding be the 1st time since you eloped that you see family? As perhaps she's a little worried people will also gush over you and your news? Which I can see would perhaps take away from her special day a bit. But even so is a bit precious on her part. Baby news bit can't understand.

TBH whenever I hear of someone getting married after having been together for decades i can’t help but think that it’s all just a business transaction anyway and so not really anything to get excited about.

you’re together, you have a child, nobody really cares at this point if you’re married or not, so it strikes me that you want to do this and make an announcement to overshadow your sister.

I’ve known three people who have got married after over a decade (and children) together who have strangely then been divorced within a year. Make of that what you will.

My sister found out she was pregnant about two weeks before I gave birth and didn’t tell anyone for a couple of weeks after precisely because they didn’t want to make it about them.

So spend her time at the sisters wedding showing family members pictures of her own wedding? That's the 'thunder stealing people are mentioning!
@PlumHiker are your parents the type to go..'oh Ds of plum we didn't get any family photos at plum's wedding so we'll get your photographer to do a mini shoot with us now!' ?..

I just don't understand this perspective at all. I truly couldn't care less about this sort of thing. I never felt I needed attention or glory when I made big announcements. The idea that no one could share good news if I'd just had a baby or got married, is completely ludicrous.

Life events happen and people with main character syndrome need to get over themselves.

I fail to understand how the OP getting married quietly before her sister's wedding is going to overshadow the occasion.

Normally I don’t understand the overshadowing and stealing thunder thing, but if you are eloping, just do it and don’t tell anyone until further down the line including your sister (as you know her thoughts on it).

Re the pregnancy thing, I think it depends on when in your pregnancy you told them. If the 12 week scan coincided with the week your sister gave birth then fair enough, however I get the feeling that this might not have been the case…

I feel for your sister and can imagine why it feels like you are trying to steal her thunder again.

I was actually passed 12 weeks, hence my in laws knowing as I had my scan whilst they were here. I'd also spoken to my sister before telling my parents and she told me to go for it and was so excited for them to know so she could finally talk about it (I'd told her about a month before).

This!

Honestly, threads like this are like another world. It wouldn’t cross my mind to be anything other than thrilled if my sister announced her pregnancy shortly after I’d had a baby. Good news on top of good news, what’s not to like? Likewise the marriage.

It’s all extremely odd- as if getting married and having a baby are primarily things you do because you want lots of ATTENTION.

I wouldn’t change my plans at all. Your sister sounds like a fruitloop and even if you did order your life as she ordains you’d inevitably end up doing something wrong anyway, maybe giving birth the week she had had a minor promotion or buying a house the same week she had a fringe cut. Who can be dealing with that?

In that case I see no issue with the timing of the pregnancy announcement. It didn’t make the birth of your sister’s baby any less special.

You're totally entitled to your opinion and whilst I disagree that it's a business transaction for us, I do agree that no one should really care if we're married or not. Hence my naivety at sharing my 'secret' with my closest person - my sister. I also have no intention of announcing it to anyone after.

I was passed 12 weeks before I shared my pregnancy announcement, so had already held on to the news for 7 weeks before telling my parents. And to confirm also I didn't do a "big announcement" it was literally a video call to my parents to let them know the news before they went on a big holiday with their friends and I wouldn't get a chance to speak to them privately for almost 4 weeks.

It may be that your sister was genuinely happy for you at the time and didn’t consider it to be an issue.

But now you’re wanting to elope just before her wedding she’s suddenly realised that you seem to always get in there first.

I mean once doesn’t seem that big a deal.

Twice is a bit deliberate.

Such an unpleasant post.

Ahh ffs I meant presumably you're NOT going to take a photo album
Not quite awake this morning

Quite!

Exactly this, if they broke up all the women would have been saying how crazy she was to have a baby without being married but now a wedding is in the offing they are ll going mad 🙄.
@PlumHiker if you were doing all the same people etc I can see how she might feel “competed with” but you aren’t. Get married when you plan, if you want to pander to her don’t announce it, just tell your parents quietly after the event but presumably before you fly home ( by which time your sister will hopefully have fucked off on honeymoon so can’t get offended).

Ah! 😆 although can imagine that being an 'AIBU to take my wedding photo album to pass around at my dsis' wedding'!

@LoveFridaynight

"Yeah I agree with this. You can surely wait another year if you've already waited 15 years.
It does sound like you want to overshadow your sister however you can.
Or get married and keep quiet for a few months after her wedding."

So you can't get married the same year as your relative for fear of stealing the limelight?!? That's ridiculous it's not a royal wedding!