Should I cancel elopement plans?

[PlumHiker]

Need some perspective so apologies in advance if this is long winded!

For background, myself and my partner live overseas (>24hrs travel from UK). We've been together over 15 years and have an infant.

My sister is getting married later this year and has planned a massive wedding (think >100 at her meal), we will be travelling to attend this as a family, and we all can't wait.

My partner and I have travelled to the same place every year around July/August for a holiday since moving here and last year talked about an elopement when we were on our babymoon there however due to my health at the time I wasn't sure I'd be able to fly and so we postponed plans til post baby. We never shared this with anyone (ie how an elopement works).

Fast forward to this year and we have our first trip booked as a family of three and began discussing the idea of elopement again. We've reached out to a couple of companies for a quote for a very small affair - literally just as and 2 witnesses. Total cost will be less than the flights home for my sisters wedding.

Earlier in the week I decided to speak to her about it - mostly out of excitement as she will be the only person we tell in advance.. we are both very close despite the physical miles between us and she was the first person I shared my pregnancy news with. Her response was the complete opposite of what I was expecting. She was really upset and asked us not to do it and to wait until after they get married later in the year, to "let them have their day". There is about 2 months between our trip and their wedding. She also mentioned she was upset that we announced our pregnancy to family the same week her daughter was born and so now feels I'm just trying to overshadow them again.

With regards to baby announcement, we'd already told my in laws and my parents were about to go on holiday so the timing wasn't great but we felt a bit stuck. My parents were also going to be away with friends and we thought it was important our immediate family knew before anyone else. She'd never spoken to me about this before but I do acknowledge her feelings about this, and appreciate that she could be upset by the timing.

We've already booked and paid for this trip - which to be honest we'd be doing anyway, and are hoping to try for another baby after her wedding. I'm mid 30s so time is not my friend! I've spoken to my partner and he thinks it's absolutely nothing to do with anyone else (this is part of the reason we've never done a big wedding - geography being another!). Neither of us are big on social media and have no plans for a big wide announcement of our nuptials to "one up" my sister or anything.

I'm really struggling with this - hoping for helpful advice on how to navigate...

IABU - I should postpone any wedding plans til after my sisters wedding (and potential baby 2) since we've waited this long anyway

IANBU - have our quiet day, sign the form and discreetly share with family after.

What I mean is, is having a baby not enough in itself? Surely your sister also having a baby is good news, who do people need to be in the limelight to this extent. It's just so self important.

Get married.

Don't tell anyone.

Simples.

My sister and I are similar ages, married close together and had babies close together so lots of announcements in a short space of time. We were only ever happy for each other - it was double wedding excitement and double baby bubble. I can't imagine being anything other than happy for each other. I certainly wouldn't expect her to put life on hold until I told her it was okay for her to make big life decisions and plans. I think go ahead with the elopement as long as you're not planning to announce it at the wedding.

YABU…. And selfish… as another poster said you’ve been together 15 years… why now right at the same time as your sister…

I think you should do exactly as you had planned. Your sister is being very immature; she has no right first dibs at life events! How attention seeking.

How on earth does announcing lovely pregnancy news take anything away from someone else’s newborn baby?!
I genuinely don’t understand this at all and am surprised that anyone gets worked up about it. Bizarre behaviour.

In think your sister is being over sensitive and ridiculous. One piece of good news (a pregnancy) doesn't cancel out another piece of good news (the arrival of a baby). If something awful had happened to you the week her baby had been born would you have had to keep quiet about it for fear of it over shadowing her moment in the spotlight?

Ignore your sister, do what you want and don't bother telling her. She sounds hard work.

Yeesh, with the pregnancy announcement timing too it does look like it's a bit of a thing. With you living so far from family, presumably her wedding will be the first time people are you to congratulate you on your own wedding in person. If I was her I'd half be expecting you turn turn up in a pale 'but it's not white!' dress for her wedding.

Do whatever you want.
Also, telling people you're pregnant the week your niece was born... And? Why does that take anything away from her?
She sounds very childish.

Two months apart? That's 'stealing thunder'?

Wow

Many mumsnetters do.

IMO This is really a non event.

It really wouldn't have bothered me if my sister had announced a pregnancy just after DD was born, nor would it have bothered me if she wanted to get married near my wedding date. I'm not precious or full of my own self importance. It isn't a competition.

People don't own life events like this.

A week after giving birth my DS could’ve announced she was becoming the prime minister and I wouldn’t have given a fuck, so I’m really surprised people are saying announcing your pregnancy was rude, who cares, how did it stop her ‘basking’
was her child not enough, without 100% of other people’s attention?

That said, would your wedding be first? I do think people will congratulate you and spend a lot of her wedding talking about yours if so . If she thinks you stole her baby thunder and then after 15 years you suddenly need to get married 2 months before her, it does look a little shitty.

just do it and don’t tell anyone until next year

if yours is 2months after she needs to get a grip

I don’t know. How old are both, it seems to me that she thinks you’re stealing her thunder and I’d talk to her about that. Even though you don’t see it might be the way she sees it. To her maybe you’re coming off competing. Even though I know you’re not. I think she might be younger than you so is having a hard time sharing the spotlight. But if you were my sister I’d be happy for you but I don’t know your family’s upbringing and how she feels in the being the youngest. You can also turn it around that’s she’s the oldest. It’s still the same. Sibling rivalry at its best. It’s inevitable. It’s there and with every family there’s always going to be some.

This is bizarre. It's not like she turned up with a baby a week after her sister gave birth and said surprise! It wouldn't occur to me not to announce my pregnancy because someone else has had a baby but there again I don't care about 'thunder' so 'stealing' someone else's wouldn't be on my radar.

I'd just elope and not say anything if it is going to cause hassle op. Dh and I eloped and it was the best.

Yeah I agree with this. You can surely wait another year if you've already waited 15 years.
It does sound like you want to overshadow your sister however you can.
Or get married and keep quiet for a few months after her wedding.

Holy crap that's mad.

The whole thing is ridiculous. Nobody is stealing anyone's thunder just by getting on with their own lives, events and plans. You aren't even having a wedding that will match hers or to compare to , and 2 months difference is massive anyway. Loads of people round your age get married so in any one year friendship groups can find themselves going to multiple weddings. The clue is in the expression " your big day!" A bride gets the monopoly over a day...not the whole bloody year! We only have about 70 of them if we are lucky.

Just elope as planned and don't tell them until next year. Let them think it happened next year

I'm horrified how insensitive you were to announce your pregnancy the week your sister gave birth.

@HomeworkMonitor why is it insensitive?

Do people have such fragile egos that they need to be the centre of attention for several weeks after every life event?

I think this is one of those ones where noone wants to admit it but I think a lot of people would be secretly upset by this. Personally I'd be slightly miffed but would quickly get over it but I can see why others might find that harder. I think if you're going to do it just don't announce it for a while. There's a huge amount of work goes into planning a wedding and while they obviously shouldn't, people will compare if they see your dress/ photos hear about how you did things and they will feel obliged to focus on you at a time when they would otherwise be focusing on your sister. It's all super petty. But I think it's still what many people would feel.

Eh? Horrified? Most people would be excited for their sister and happy their baby would have a cousin close in age to play with. Why on earth would OP wait 6 weeks?! Both events can be joyous at the same time and should be in normal families.

This fucking princess complex so many women have is unreal.

Even if you might feel a bit deflated it should be temporary and once you’ve wobbled your head you crack on.

A friend told me about her pregnancy at my wedding and I was absolutely thrilled for her. And a colleague told our team his partner was pregnant the same time I did and we were so excited for the other.

@Wackadaywideawake sorry - I was just agreeing with your incredulity in case that wasn’t clear.

Fucking baby bubbles and special days. It’s all such bollocks.

Echoing what some PPs are saying - 15 years and you want to do it the same time as your sister? Yeah, that's mad. But - regardless of what people are saying here, whether it's right/wrong or not, the fact is your SISTER is upset about it. And THAT fact on its own should be enough for you to not go ahead

I can't believe how people are so sensitive about this. I just couldn't get worked up about this.

If my DSIS announced her pregnancy around the time I gave birth I would be so bloody happy for her.

The same as the wedding. The OP is eloping and on the other side of the world. It's hardly two weddings to attend and compare within 2 months.

MN is full of posters saying 'don't have kids without being married', of which I completely agree. Now for the sake of stealing your DSIS thunder it's a no from some.