Should I cancel elopement plans?

[PlumHiker]

Need some perspective so apologies in advance if this is long winded!

For background, myself and my partner live overseas (>24hrs travel from UK). We've been together over 15 years and have an infant.

My sister is getting married later this year and has planned a massive wedding (think >100 at her meal), we will be travelling to attend this as a family, and we all can't wait.

My partner and I have travelled to the same place every year around July/August for a holiday since moving here and last year talked about an elopement when we were on our babymoon there however due to my health at the time I wasn't sure I'd be able to fly and so we postponed plans til post baby. We never shared this with anyone (ie how an elopement works).

Fast forward to this year and we have our first trip booked as a family of three and began discussing the idea of elopement again. We've reached out to a couple of companies for a quote for a very small affair - literally just as and 2 witnesses. Total cost will be less than the flights home for my sisters wedding.

Earlier in the week I decided to speak to her about it - mostly out of excitement as she will be the only person we tell in advance.. we are both very close despite the physical miles between us and she was the first person I shared my pregnancy news with. Her response was the complete opposite of what I was expecting. She was really upset and asked us not to do it and to wait until after they get married later in the year, to "let them have their day". There is about 2 months between our trip and their wedding. She also mentioned she was upset that we announced our pregnancy to family the same week her daughter was born and so now feels I'm just trying to overshadow them again.

With regards to baby announcement, we'd already told my in laws and my parents were about to go on holiday so the timing wasn't great but we felt a bit stuck. My parents were also going to be away with friends and we thought it was important our immediate family knew before anyone else. She'd never spoken to me about this before but I do acknowledge her feelings about this, and appreciate that she could be upset by the timing.

We've already booked and paid for this trip - which to be honest we'd be doing anyway, and are hoping to try for another baby after her wedding. I'm mid 30s so time is not my friend! I've spoken to my partner and he thinks it's absolutely nothing to do with anyone else (this is part of the reason we've never done a big wedding - geography being another!). Neither of us are big on social media and have no plans for a big wide announcement of our nuptials to "one up" my sister or anything.

I'm really struggling with this - hoping for helpful advice on how to navigate...

IABU - I should postpone any wedding plans til after my sisters wedding (and potential baby 2) since we've waited this long anyway

IANBU - have our quiet day, sign the form and discreetly share with family after.

‘new mum hubbub’?! Wtf.

I am always shocked at how precious people are about this stuff. I could not have cared less if my sister had announced a pregnancy when I had my kids. I would be happy for her. People are so weird nowadays. I guess I don’t crave so much attention for myself.

Go ahead op with your wedding. Just don’t tell anyone for now.

I’m glad to see so many sensible posters here amongst the diva princesses.

It is sad that so many people are not happy enough with their own wedding days and birth of their babies, that they are so easily upset by news of somebody else’s wedding or pregnancy. Surely if your own joy was enough, others’ announcements would be irrelevant??

I would have been delighted if somebody had considered my wedding a special enough event to propose to their partner. It would have added to my joy. I feel a bit disappointed now that it did not happen!

Isn’t it odd that only the people telling the OP her behaviour is fiiiine are the ones resorting to personal insults to posters who disagree?

One has to wonder why that is…..

Can't people these days feel the joy of a new baby without being the centre of other peoples attention?

@HomeworkMonitor you sound insufferable!

I am always shocked at how precious people are about this stuff. I could not have cared less if my sister had announced a pregnancy when I had my kids. I would be happy for her. People are so weird nowadays. I guess I don’t crave so much attention for myself.

Yes, so many princessy attention seekers on this thread.

@CandidHedgehog because people are calling out their ridiculous behaviour for what it is.

Really? I put it down to the fact that attention seekers who think trampling over a sibling’s life events on a regular basis is fine are the type to start shrieking insults rather than making logical arguments when their inability to let someone else be the centre of attention for once is called out.

Bearing in mind you responded to a comment about only one side of the argument using personal insults by….using a personal insult, I’m not exactly inclined think otherwise from your post.

@IHaveAlwaysLivedintheCastle I've seen that happen at weddings. So no it's not a "ridiculous" scenario.

As many have commented on this post. Unless you have experienced or closely observed a family dynamic where upstaging is a regular event then you won't get it.

You're very defensive @CandidHedgehog
The difference is that I don't regard it as "trampling over a sibling's life event". All the OP needs to do is just respond to questions from other family members "yes, we got married, but we are here to celebrate my sister's wedding". No trampling at all.

I think you are right about family dynamics @Enko and
my family just don't fuss over people. If someone else has an important life announcement to make at a life event it just wouldn't spoil the day for anyone.

Genuinely laughing at "Princessy Attention Seekers" yeah God forbid a woman be the centre of attention on her wedding day! You should be a modest demure little woman 365 days a year!! Quieter! Humbler!! That's it, back in your box, good girl 😇

Utterly tedious.

How very DARVO of you.

But again, a classic response of someone who thinks this sort of behaviour is OK,

Nope

Sure. Whatever you say…….

trampling over a sibling’s life events

Listen to yourself!

Many of us would be happy to have a baby and also hear about a sibling’s pregnancy. It would be a moment of joy! You see it as ‘trampling over a life event’. Who do you think is being more irrational here?

I have never done a big announcement or had anyone announce anything at an event of mine. But I couldn’t see how an earth my wedding day or birth of my baby could be dampened by a sibling’s happy news. The opposite would be true. Genuinely.

Life must be so difficult if you get upset about this stuff. It’s so churlish, joyless and petty. Take a step back and look at the bigger picture.

DARVO? What an inappropriate use of the term. Please don’t throw out acronyms you don’t fully understand.

Agree. Really minimising.

Honestly? I think the sister is being a bit weird - mainly because letting people know you are pregnant when you’ve passed 12 weeks is a normal thing to do. If the OP had waited six weeks then she would be nearly halfway.

Whether the OP having had a small wedding a couple of months before the sister’s is a problem depends on how the family will react. If everyone will bring gifts and the father of the bride will mention it in his speech then perhaps it isn’t ideal.

I know people have said to go ahead and not mention it but that may take the shine off a bit. Not mentioning it to anyone, not wearing rings, not using the married name … all so you don’t take any attention away from the more important wedding. Realistically, if you told people six months later and they say “But why didn’t you tell us when we saw you?!?” it will look terrible if you say that it was because your sister was so prickly about it.

Great post @CruCru

I can’t see the problem with either the pregnancy news or the elopement. It’s crazy how many people think it is an issue. If someone has had a baby it cannot be overshadowed. Sharing pregnancy news just makes even more happiness as far as I am concerned. Getting married 2 months before with no one invited is not comparable.
I guess looking at some posters we all have different mindsets on this, clearly you and your sister do too.

My twins were born the week my neice was. Should I have tried to keep them in for another week/six weeks, just so they didn't take the shine off DN's arrival?
Why can't people just be happy for each other? When did we make it a competition?

Some of you need to give your head a shake

A wedding is one day, why on earth should it matter if someone else gets married as long as it’s not the same day?

you lot clearly never had to share as kids and it shows!

I found out I was pregnant 6 weeks before my sister got married and keep quiet about it till she was back from honeymoon. Her wedding day would have been spoilt by my mother’s obvious joy at being a grandmother. I can understand why your sister feels you rain on every parade she has.

Get married as planned but don’t tell your sister or anyone else until well after her wedding. I think that she is being unreasonable but now that she’s warned you, announcing it will turn things into a massive argument.
If you are pregnant when she gets married then wait until well after her wedding. She’s being unreasonable again but she’s warned you that announcing will make her feel overshadowed so doing it will piss her off and cause drama.

In future don’t tell her this kind of stuff until it’s closer to the time and you can be sure that there’s nothing going on in her life like a pregnancy /birth announcement for her. She is being unreasonable but now that her feelings are out of the bag, you are going to have to plan future announcements around her life if you don’t want to fall out.

You're stealing my attention squeals sister. What is it about weddings and babies that turn completely sane ladies into petty princesses? Of course you can elope when you want, of course you can tell your parents you're expecting a baby. it's not like your partner is proposing during their wedding toast or ordered a gender reveal cake to replace the wedding cake! Your sister is beyond unreasonable to expect you to put your life on hold just so she can have her special day.

You literally can’t put your life on hold to please your sister!

Unreasonable would be having an extremely extravagant wedding the weekend before hers, perhaps in a castle with you and DH2B arriving be helicopter to a dramatic cliff top location!

Organising a wedding that is only a commitment between yourself and husband privately with just two witnesses a couple of months in advance of her wedding isn’t really anything to do with her! It’s certainly not overshadowing anyone!

I suspect that your Sister harbours jealousy or is so self obsessed that she has no empathy for people living their lives!

Announcing a pregnancy doesn’t detract from a birth either!

Getting married to the person you love doesn’t devalue her ‘big day’ with her comments seeming a bit Bridezilla to me!

The world doesn’t revolve around your sister

YANBU