Should I cancel elopement plans?

[PlumHiker]

Need some perspective so apologies in advance if this is long winded!

For background, myself and my partner live overseas (>24hrs travel from UK). We've been together over 15 years and have an infant.

My sister is getting married later this year and has planned a massive wedding (think >100 at her meal), we will be travelling to attend this as a family, and we all can't wait.

My partner and I have travelled to the same place every year around July/August for a holiday since moving here and last year talked about an elopement when we were on our babymoon there however due to my health at the time I wasn't sure I'd be able to fly and so we postponed plans til post baby. We never shared this with anyone (ie how an elopement works).

Fast forward to this year and we have our first trip booked as a family of three and began discussing the idea of elopement again. We've reached out to a couple of companies for a quote for a very small affair - literally just as and 2 witnesses. Total cost will be less than the flights home for my sisters wedding.

Earlier in the week I decided to speak to her about it - mostly out of excitement as she will be the only person we tell in advance.. we are both very close despite the physical miles between us and she was the first person I shared my pregnancy news with. Her response was the complete opposite of what I was expecting. She was really upset and asked us not to do it and to wait until after they get married later in the year, to "let them have their day". There is about 2 months between our trip and their wedding. She also mentioned she was upset that we announced our pregnancy to family the same week her daughter was born and so now feels I'm just trying to overshadow them again.

With regards to baby announcement, we'd already told my in laws and my parents were about to go on holiday so the timing wasn't great but we felt a bit stuck. My parents were also going to be away with friends and we thought it was important our immediate family knew before anyone else. She'd never spoken to me about this before but I do acknowledge her feelings about this, and appreciate that she could be upset by the timing.

We've already booked and paid for this trip - which to be honest we'd be doing anyway, and are hoping to try for another baby after her wedding. I'm mid 30s so time is not my friend! I've spoken to my partner and he thinks it's absolutely nothing to do with anyone else (this is part of the reason we've never done a big wedding - geography being another!). Neither of us are big on social media and have no plans for a big wide announcement of our nuptials to "one up" my sister or anything.

I'm really struggling with this - hoping for helpful advice on how to navigate...

IABU - I should postpone any wedding plans til after my sisters wedding (and potential baby 2) since we've waited this long anyway

IANBU - have our quiet day, sign the form and discreetly share with family after.

Some of this is staggering! Life happens. Babies and weddings happen, and sad things too. Imagine if a member of your family had the audacity to become poorly or tragically die the same year as her wedding, would that be stealing thunder?!

She can’t gatekeep those moments in your life. I would be thrilled if my family, or friends announced happy news at a similar time to me. What a lovely way to share joy and excitement.

Do your elopement. Who does she actually think cares? People don’t. No one, NO ONE, is going to enjoy her wedding less / be less happy for her simply because you got married to?! It’s not that deep.

Absolutely ridiculous. I honestly don’t understand why people are so insecure. Have your elopement and tell whom ever you want. Whatever insecurity your sister harbours isn’t going to be satiated by this act of shrinking yourself.

Dear God.

I’m normally very it’s no big deal if two relatives marry similar time but your timing seems very odd. You’ve been together 15 years, didn’t want to marry before you had the baby and suddenly you decide to do it just before your sister’s wedding.
The birth announcement could have waited too.
It’s not an elopement if you are telling in advance.

Why does it matter?

This fucking princess complex so many women have is unreal

I think @Merryoldgoat is spot on with this summing up ^^

I worry that if you do this it'll end up coming out on or near the day of her wedding, which would be really poor form.

Would you leave your rings off for the whole trip? Would you lie if people ask about your wedding plans? You family won't like being lied to. It would come back to bite you.

You've been together 15 years and already have a child. There's no rush.

Seeing as you are now aware that your sister is upset at your timing I'd elope as planned but avoid making any announcements until well after your her wedding. That way you both get your big days in the way you wish.

Could you have your elopement but not tell anyone about it for a few months? Otherwise, your sister's wedding will surely be the first time you see any of your family in person and they will be congratulating you and asking about your wedding. How far along was your pregnancy when you announced it? If only 6 weeks then perhaps you could have waited until after your parents' holiday.

I think your sister is being a bit precious. There's no limit to family enjoying good news. However, you could actively avoid doing something which might upset her.

Just quoting this so I can reply - not singling out.

Thanks for all the responses, has given me a lot to think about. For the poster who suggested waiting 6 weeks to announce - my in laws were here and already knew. My parents and family would have been upset if I had held on to the news so we really couldn't win there. I think anyone with overseas family knows the struggle with keeping people informed and "equal".

With regards to announcing - we are not be planning on doing a wide family announcement, but would likely tell my parents and in laws only after so it didn't "come out" at her wedding. I wouldn't be posting any pictures and would not wear my ring at her wedding. I've also offered to completely keep it a secret until after her day if that is what she wants.

We also did plan to marry before having our child, but life happens and without going into too much detail its been a rough few years for our family and so planning an overseas wedding was not going to be an option and now with a young child arranging a wedding in the UK is almost impossible. We don't have any big wishes for this wedding other than the location which means a lot to us personally, hence the timing as we can only go during the winter months.

I think we will go ahead and not mention it again to my sister, there will no shine taken from her day. In retrospect I just shouldn't have said anything to her, and she would be none the wiser and no one would be upset. I guess I'd thought as we were doing such different things it wouldn't be an issue which was naive and probably insensitive of me.

Thanks everyone.

A quiet wedding on your own surely won't outshine a big event? It would be different if you invited the same crowd just before her event.
TBH I don't really get the baby/pregnancy thing either. A real life baby there for all to see is much more immediate, and frankly, important, than a pregnancy which everyone hopes will go well but is still in the early stages.
I sometimes think the world has gone a bit mad. A colleague of mine just told her DD that she couldn't get married on the island where her parents celebrated their silver wedding, because the island belongs to them now!

Bless you this isn't easy. I see both sides.

But - if you do as you say, will your DS not keep asking if you're going ahead? Because you've then got a whole other issue if you lie to her about it surely? x

I’d be inclined to respect your sister’s feelings.

Why not have your elopement after her wedding?

I can see both sides too which is why I am so torn!

I won't lie to her but I won't actively bring it up again.

I am not planning to change my name publicly, or my online relationship status (!) and honestly her wedding is going to be so hectic for us we will literally only see the wider family for one day so it's not going to be a problem not saying anything. They are all sick of asking me when I'm getting married anyway! Our child is also too young to speak so there's no chance of them spilling the beans.

We've never had any issues as a family or fall outs so this is been a big thing for me - not helped by time difference and physical distance as we can't just have a good chat in person.

Can’t see the issue with letting your family know about your pregnancy or getting married close to the same date. It’s just life. People do things. Is your sister a bit of an attention seeker?

Don't tell anyone.
Don't wear a wedding ring
Don't change your name.

Honestly it's so bloody simple.

If anyone asks about wedding plans, say - we have no wedding plans. It won't be a lie.

I hope everything works out great for you. Happy and healthy everything. Good luck

It wouldn't bother me, but I can understand why she is upset.

Your pregnancy announcement possible overshadowed her DD's birth.

I'd wait for two months after her wedding, after 15 years, its no time.

She's being so ridiculous about it all that I would actually go ahead with my plans and literally NEVER tell anyone. Like, for years and years and years. Then one day it will inevitably come out ("yeah we're going to Vegas for our 25th anniversary") and someone will say "anniversary? Anniversary of what?" and i'd tell them then. And because I have SO little patience with this kind of BS I'd probably slip in "no, we never told anyone because DSis got married two months later and she didn't want me stealing her thunder at the time" 🙄🙄

Or you can be better than me and not be so petty. Just get married and have your babies and live your life. Honestly, what a load of nonsense.

I find this thinking bizarre. Why shouldn’t she announce a pregnancy?

i think there is some weird psychological reason why you’re telling her these things when she’s got big things going on. I mean you’ve been together 15 years ffs.

Came here to say main character syndrome.

My BIL and SIL had a strop because my other BIL and his now wife announced their engagement (in a very low key, immediate family only way) three weeks before their wedding. Somewhat unsurprisingly, they have also had strops about other, even sillier things over the years, and clearly think the world revolves around them and their children.

I find it absolutely mind boggling that some people think that just because they are getting married or having a baby, everyone else has to put their lives on hold so they can be the centre of attention for a certain period of time.

There is no thunder to be stolen here. Getting married or having a baby does not involve any thunder (unless we're talking literal thunder because you got unlucky with the wedding). It's only a big deal to you, and maybe your mum. To everyone else it's just someone getting married or having a baby. Like, yay, congratulations, but no one really cares that much.

As I read the opening lines I was like “oh god don’t do it before your sisters wedding!! unless you really want to fuck up your relationship!!”

personally I’d do it after her wedding even if that meant going to your special spot in October of next year.

equally your DSis is being extra precious…

Why would a low key elopement impinge on her sister's wedding? I really don't get it.

I don’t understand the issue. I could see if you were having a big wedding, but as an elopement just the two of you and your baby, not an issue at all and your sis is being quite ridiculous. Do what suits you.

How bloody pathetic and childish is this 😂