AIBU to leave DH and start a family?

[spottedinthewild]

Need some brutally honest advice .. DH & I have an adult DSD, no children of our own. I am 34F and desperate to start a family. It consumes my every thought, and has been a constant for the last 3-4 years. I love DH immensely and have no desire to be with anyone else.

I have had this discussion with DH so many times. At first he was adamant that he'd only consider adoption, that was fine. Now he is just not willing to even discuss it. He constantly tells me pregnancy would injure me (I have a spinal injury) despite my consultant telling me I'd be fine. It's clear he doesn't want children.

I have a well-paid job, good benefits and could easily afford to live on my own and support a child. I am considering leaving, using a sperms bank and being a single mum. Am I completely mental?

YABU - Don't wreck a life that is great otherwise, this feeling will pass!
YANBU - It won't pass & you'll regret it, you can survive being a single mum!

In your position OP I chose to leave. I knew that in time I would resent DH, and then that resentment would stop me loving him, and we’d split up eventually. And by then it would be too late to have kids anyway. I tried for years to persuade myself to accept a childless life with the man I loved, but I couldn’t do it.

I have 2 kids by donor sperm, both in their teens, and also a partner now as well. I have no regrets at leaving DH, not a single one.

As for being a single parent - well I would say it was harder than being in a couple with a helpful partner, but easier than being with an unhelpful partner! I knew I was going to be on my own from the start, so there were no horrible shocks. I actually have really fond memories of those early months when DS1 was a baby, and it was the 2 of us against the world! Of course there are times when it can feel overwhelming, being the sole parent of 2 kids, but it was all I’d ever wanted, and it was the best decision I ever made.

Because YOU want children and your post suggests you seem to view your SD as a potential brood mare to meet your personal desire for children. Nothing wrong with wanting to be a grandparent. But you want children yourself. They are different roles.

Because you don't really want to be a grandmother. You want to be a mother. Another woman having a child that you sometimes look after won't change that, and you shouldn't live vicariously though another woman.

Leave and try to have a child if that's what you want.

At 34 you can leave your husband and look for another partner who wants children.

"Your first responsibility to making you happy is to yourself. "

This.

You can either disappoint him, or disappoint yourself.

Good point. About 42% of marriages end in divorce.

Absolutely not. If he's not 100% keen on adoption and it sounds in the OP as though he isn't keen anymore then you could seriously traumatise this child. I know an adopted child for whom one adopted parent was at best lukewarm about them and just went along for the sake of the partner. This is far worse imo.

This desire will not go away and you will massively resent him once this window has closed in however many years down the line. My mum was widowed when I was very young so was a single parent ( she met a longer term partner when I was a bit older but that’s been a shit show and not relevant to your post! ) and she often muses that it was hard at times not to have someone to tap in/out with but the flip side is we are so* close. We got to have some amazing adventures together and I loved every minute of my childhood with her when it was just me and her.

My DDs bio dad has never been in her life. I won't go into the backstory here, just wanted to say that she is a very happy, well adjusted and confident teenager now. She has good male role models in my DF, DGF and DB and she knows she can ask about her DF at any time. She doesn't feel the need! Single parent hood has been fine - absolutely doable and happy. I've been with my DP for 4 years now and we have been living together for 2 years. He has a DS of a similar age and honestly things go along in a very nice fashion!

I think you need to work out what is more important to you - but I suspect you already know the answer!

I will get flamed for this (and will ignore those posts). Having been deceived by him regarding adoption, which has its own risks, and his disingenuous excuse of knowing the risks of pregnancy to your health better than doctors, I would deceive him. I would get pregnant by him and then leave. I would never ask anything from him after that.

You know the gene pool and his medical history. Sperm donor pregnancies are not cheap. He has strung you along while having you co parent his child. Effectively saying his child should be enough for you and, unlike him, you don’t deserve the experience of being a parent. I wouldn’t think twice of taking that parting gift from him.

What is your support network like? How would having a baby honestly work in your life?

Being a solo parent from before birth means I don't know any difference. Yes it's hard, tiring and frustrating when all you want is 2 minutes to yourself but at the same time I've got this little guy that relies on me so I just get on with it.
You will work out how to be the best solo parent you can be and how to manage day to day life because you have no other choice. At the beginning it's really hard juggling everything but you eventually get into a routine and now I've got this amazing ds that I put my all into.

I say go for it, you will only regret it if you don't.

OP, I longed for a baby but missed my chance, and have never stopped regretting it. My friends and relatives around my age are now becoming grandparents, which reawakens all that pain.

I love them all, and congratulate them and join in the celebrations and visits. It hasn’t ruined my life. I am now very happily married. Enjoying life and actually happier than when I was young. But, for me, that longing never went away.

I’ve heard that as we get old, what we most regret in life are the things we didn’t do, the opportunities we didn’t take — or make.

I hope you make the decision that’s right for you xx

Take it from someone who struggled incredibly hard to be able to have a child WITH a husband who was equally as keen; the longing consumes you!

We were finally lucky enough to have a healthy son but I still feel immense sadness, years later, that he's an 'only'.

If you stay with this man, you'll end up resenting him & your relationship will break down anyway; by which point, your best fertility years will be behind you.

You need to have a frank & honest conversation NOW. And be fully prepared to walk away if you have to.

I think that the most important consideration is if you have family support near by for when your child is ill etc and you can't take time off work.

He's had a vasectomy. How do you suggest she gets that reversed without him knowing?

This really, leave him and good luck.

Absolutely this plus it’s not uncommon for step mothers and step children to kids contact if the marriage to the “father” breaks down (I say father in inverted commas because he’s not actually her biological father). Don’t rely on DSD being in your life still when she’s an adult

if you really want a child then you have to leave - it’s an area where no compromise is possible

Leaving your husband and meeting someone else who wants a family, fine. I don't think the sperm bank option is one you should consider.

I wouldn’t actively become a single parent - no. Children really need fathers and to purposefully go ahead with a plan that gives a child no ability to experience a father is a selfish action. I know people will get defensive at me stating that, but look up the world selfish and tell me that action isn’t exactly that. It prioritises the mother with no thought to the child.

Personally I would (and I did) leave a relationship and find a new relationship with someone who is open to children. You are young enough to walk away and start afresh and still have kids.

The rot isn't about having a child. He agreed, you committed on that basis. He retracted his agreement. It's about betrayal and there's no coming back from that.

Being a single parent t and whether it's navigable is a different matter and a different thread but for now, if this is a compromise too far you need to leave and start the next chapter of your life.

I know a few women that had ivf with donors and were single mums - none regretted it. I also know one that had a n egg donor and a sperm donor. Obviously it is not plain sailing, but they all did it.

One had an severe accident beforehand, she was monitored during pregnancy and had a baby via c-section. All healthy. She also met someone soon after who had a dh of his own and now they are a happy blended family.

It sounds like you want a child, whether through ivf and if it didnt work out, adoption (like your husband suggested but probably never meant). The heartbreak of splitting up with your spouse would go, the lament if wanting a child and never having on will not.

As others have suggested talk to fertility clinics, this website found on fertility network uk may also help form your thinking dcnetwork.org

"He constantly tells me pregnancy would injure me (I have a spinal injury) despite my consultant telling me I'd be fine."

This sounds dishonest and manipulative - not how things should be in a truly loving relationship. You have the right to make your own choices - if he cannot accommodate that then you may have to go your separate ways.

Thank you for this, it's so lovely to hear that despite the pain, you still have a wonderful life ❤️