AIBU to leave DH and start a family?

[spottedinthewild]

Need some brutally honest advice .. DH & I have an adult DSD, no children of our own. I am 34F and desperate to start a family. It consumes my every thought, and has been a constant for the last 3-4 years. I love DH immensely and have no desire to be with anyone else.

I have had this discussion with DH so many times. At first he was adamant that he'd only consider adoption, that was fine. Now he is just not willing to even discuss it. He constantly tells me pregnancy would injure me (I have a spinal injury) despite my consultant telling me I'd be fine. It's clear he doesn't want children.

I have a well-paid job, good benefits and could easily afford to live on my own and support a child. I am considering leaving, using a sperms bank and being a single mum. Am I completely mental?

YABU - Don't wreck a life that is great otherwise, this feeling will pass!
YANBU - It won't pass & you'll regret it, you can survive being a single mum!

I agree. I think it's really weird.

There are plenty of amazing single parents. But if you make a conscious choice to go down this route make sure you cover all possibilities. E.g. If you had a child with special needs your ability to keep doing your well paid job could be compromised which makes a huge difference when you have sole responsibility. Parenthood is always a lottery.

I must be an anomaly then because my regrets are mostly the things I did do and if I had my time again, wouldn’t.

I have children as a single parent the way you are proposing. It's been brilliant. You will resent him if you don't try.
My friend was on the phone to me last week still struggling in her sixties about giving up her chance to really try for children with her ex husband who had many dc already.

There's only ever been one thing I've been 100% certain of in my life and that was wanting to be a Mum. It was the first thing I made sure of before settling into a relationship. If that's what you want, there is no middle ground and it won't pass.

@spottedinthewild Take my advice, views as you will but here they are.

Having a child, whether via sperm donation or adoption, is life changing. Yes, it would be hard, easier if you have family support near or can afford to hire a child carer/nanny. You will be tired, you will be cranky at times and you will want to run away at times.
That said, you will also feel more joy, more love, more protectiveness, more happiness than you ever thought existed. A child will pee on you, poop on you and throw up all over you, probably when you are already late, already dressed for work or a date. But, it is forgotten when those little lips give you a big kiss and those arms stretch around your neck for a "mommy hug".

I also have a DGD. It is wonderful, and we have such a special, unique and loving relationship. BUT, I am not and never have been her mother. I didn't get the joy my DD got setting up a nursery, picking out a coming home outfit, buying little diapers, little onesies or anything else. That was HER joy, the way it is supposed to be. So no, I don't think a DGC can take the place of being a mother, and I say that even though I raised my DD from birth. Both are wonderful, in their own way, but they are not the same.

I hope that you will get to experience the joy of motherhood. It's not easy, by any stretch, yet nothing is more rewarding.

Me either. I think what he has been pulling is quite distasteful and underhanded.

Just go for it. I’m a single parent. Have done it all in my own since my child was 2 and pretty much before then too tbh.

I have my own house, worked full-time and have given my son a good life, I think.

I have a few friends that are single and have done the sperm donor route and all are happy with happy children.

Its not easy, especially when little and you sometime think what the hell am I doing but it passes quickly.

My DS is 15 now, independent and goes out and about and happy to be left on his own if I want to go out for a meal, so I’m just getting my life back. He’s a typical teenager and some days I want to bury him under the patio but I wouldn’t change it.

I’m going to say that not all women who are childless are regretting it by the time they are in their 50s.
The ones who don’t regret it are those who were very clear they didn’t want chikdren. It was their choice, not chosen by them by circumstances.
I think getting your head around it when all you want is a child (eg infertility) is a totally different ball game.
I'd be very careful about the whole story around ‘women in their 50s I know are all delighted to have had children and now grandchildren’.

I totally agree with all of those points @LionME
There have also been several threads on MN from women have have regretted having children, but the very idea is seen as taboo.

The issue is that of the most posters on this thread are ridiculously broody and can't give an unbiased opinion.

You must must must do everything you can to have a child if you know you want one. I feel really strongly about this. I see women choosing a man over having a child and it is always the wrong decision. The two things just don’t compare.

I say this as someone with a severely disabled child who makes my life incredibly difficult in lots of ways. And yet I would not trade anything for the unique experience of motherhood.

I am sorry this is the situation you find yourself in. And there are no easy answers. If you stay, you may find the life you have is better than you think, GC come along and change things. You could find you leave and can't conceive or have a special needs child and cannot work and look after your child. You may be super lucky, fall pregnant easily, have a easy child and everything is rosy. Just no easy answers to this dilemma. And only you can make that decision. Best of luck with whatever choice you make.

I agree, that’s a massive red flag but the OP says he promised children anyway and kept promising children for years.

So classic future faking.

it was a figure of speech. It’s still not a conversation (in whatever context that is) that I personally would want and for me personally it’s not an avenue I would have ever entertained, but that is just my personal feeling. If it was donor by the actual husband (because of vasectomy) that’s different and I’d do that but I wouldn’t have a stranger’s donation.

It's his reluctance to talk and shut things down and also not listen to you that would make me want to leave here. It doesn't sound like he'll change his mind. I think you're better off leaving now if you do want children.

Yeah I think the signs were probably there. OP was hoping he would come around and he hasn’t. Unfortunate but not quite the same as “fake future”.

I think him having the snip said loud and clear he didn’t want children

I know many single parents (probably more than married parents)
They are the happiest people I know. Their income ranges from high paying to low or no paying + benefits

One of them once said being a single parent is hard because you are the only one to making all decisions but there again being a single parent is the greatest because you are the only one making every decision

My friend described an evening when she had got dc into bed then came downstairs, made her self a drink and got out a couple of crème eggs she had hidden from dc and settled in front of X Factor and put her feet.

If she had been still with her partner she would have come downstairs and had to start cooking a dinner and then eating the dinner then doing the washing up/loading the dishwasher. Etc etc

Over all it’s about not having to compromise on anything not just cooking but holidays, children’s schooling, clothes she wears etc But compromise always seemed to entail him getting his own way and her wants being dismissed

Staying I think you need to look at this as one of those women only “compromises” where you don’t get a say in what you want out of life (you never get men “compromising” and ending up with no choice)

No matter how much you love your dh leaving gives you a voice and a choice

I would be wary about him saying he will have children with you if he feels you pulling away. He only has to mess you around for a few more years and you have missed your chance.

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I think him having the snip said loud and clear he didn’t want children

The problem is when a man is specifically saying he does want children and the woman really loves him, it’s easy for her to convince herself to believe the words not the actions.

After all, lying about something like that would be a terrible thing today and not something someone would ever do to someone they loved. Right? Right?

I have issues with the ethics of sperm banks but if you want a child don’t let this man rob you of your chance.

Neither of you is wrong for what you want - you are just not compatible.

Except he was specifically telling her they would adopt. It’s not a matter of him ‘coming round’, they discussed children before they got married and he said children were in his plans. Which is absolutely classic future faking.

I have watched several close friends 'compromise' by not having children - both female and male friends. It's not really a compromise though, it's one person not getting to have the life they would like for themselves, the role they see themselves in, and their dreams coming to fruition - of course where possible -infertility is undiscriminating.

The friends who compromised, paid a huge cost. I don't think they have good relationships. I think their lives pales in comparison to how they imagined and their spouse who made the decision isn't someone they can talk to about it. They are supposed to embrace their 'choice', move on, accept a different life. It has hugely impacted their overall mental health and well-being. One is in therapy, one is depressed and one feels like she can't be around her nieces and nephews as much as she is just sad.

I would ask yourself one last time if you can live without at least trying . If the answer is no, then leave and get started. Your dh can't take this choice from you, unless you let him. There's no guarantee it would work, but there are also other choices as a single. You can't turn off the switch at someone else's demand to wanting to be a parent.

A vasectomy in your twenties seems quite drastic if you're actually still open to the idea of having children. I’ve never come across it myself and would be quite stunned if my sons (both 20s) said they were having one but might still consider a family in future.

@anon4net I think if one partner wants and one doesn’t it must be a horrible situation. I very much believe people should be brutally honest from the start and not lead people on with empty promises or vagueness. I had a friend who was adamant she didn’t want them, her future husband felt the same way and they’ve been happily married for decades.

I dont view husbands as permanent, Ive had three. They go off whenever the mood takes them.
Children however are your permanent family.
How would you feel if you passed the menopause and he decided to leave you for whatever reason? What would you have?
For this reason I do whatever I want. I don't wait for a man to say yes. You are entitled to Iive your life as you want, you only have one life you should live it fully.
I can only imagine how boring my life would have been if I'd lived it through my husbands.
Maybe you will eventually find someone who is more on your wavelength. I have a few friends who have had children on their own. They are very happy.

I remember thinking, with my ex, that if we’d been on the same page, I could have coped with the disappointment of not having a child. If we’d suffered infertility together, grieved together, supported each other in a shared loss - then I would probably have been able to cope, without sinking into depression. But that wasn’t the case for us. He didn’t want kids and I did.

I remember looking at him one Sunday, going on a bike ride, enjoying a lazy Sunday - he was truly happy. He had all he wanted, and he would have been content living this life for ever. Meanwhile I had an aching hole inside me that just wouldn’t go away. In that moment I knew that if I compromised he’d be absolutely fine, and I would be devastated. He could make supportive noises, but he would never be on the same page as me, and ultimately that would have destroyed us. That’s when I knew I had to go.

So how do you explain the vasectomy? Doesn’t really say “I plan to have kids” does it?