AIBU to leave DH and start a family?

[spottedinthewild]

Need some brutally honest advice .. DH & I have an adult DSD, no children of our own. I am 34F and desperate to start a family. It consumes my every thought, and has been a constant for the last 3-4 years. I love DH immensely and have no desire to be with anyone else.

I have had this discussion with DH so many times. At first he was adamant that he'd only consider adoption, that was fine. Now he is just not willing to even discuss it. He constantly tells me pregnancy would injure me (I have a spinal injury) despite my consultant telling me I'd be fine. It's clear he doesn't want children.

I have a well-paid job, good benefits and could easily afford to live on my own and support a child. I am considering leaving, using a sperms bank and being a single mum. Am I completely mental?

YABU - Don't wreck a life that is great otherwise, this feeling will pass!
YANBU - It won't pass & you'll regret it, you can survive being a single mum!

There's probably pro's and cons in terms of what your experience would be as a solo parent, but my biggest concern with your plan would be how the child themselves would feel about being donor-conceived. I think that's quite a big thing you'd have to deal with actually and shouldn't be underestimated.

Does anyone else here feel sorry for the OP's husband or is it just me?

Damn! I missed that. Thank you 🫣

I’ve never wanted kids and never regretted not having them (too old now).

I think you should leave.

If you stay, I think your marriage is irretrievably damaged anyway. Him making up your medical condition preventing you having children is just weird.

Edited because you are of a similar age.

I am baffled by his bizarre circumstances.

A man who has future faked his wife for years and is literally gaslighting her by telling her her medical condition is something it is not?

I don’t know about ‘just you’ since I haven’t polled everyone else on this thread but I certainly don’t.

Well I think it’s because most people aren’t thinking in terms of being a gp at your age. It’s not creepy though, I think that’s a bit harsh.

Where do you get that from? There’s nothing in the OP to indicate he spent years assuring her he wanted to start a family.

That is a conversation I’d never want to have. Even the hypothetical thought of having to sit my child down and tell them that would fill me with dread. You can’t predict how they would react and it could be very badly.

@BunnyLake and that is a conversation you have to have, and that should be OP’s primary consideration not the pros and cons of being a single parent

The post by the OP at 8.14 when asked if they had discussed this before marriage:

Yep, at the beginning he was agreeable to it but we were in our twenties and had no money, living at home etc. Now we're in a position to do it, and he no longer wants to.

Also the part of the OP that says:

I have had this discussion with DH so many times. At first he was adamant that he'd only consider adoption, that was fine.

When did he do that?

Cross post - I’ve answered this above.

Edited to say: unless you mean the medical condition. That’s also in the OP:

He constantly tells me pregnancy would injure me (I have a spinal injury) despite my consultant telling me I'd be fine.

@spottedinthewild

single parent here. Yes, having children is hard! With or without a partner. There will always be sleepless nights, worries, moments of doubts and so on. But there is also so much joy and fulfillment.

The one thing that is hard (for me) is when they are sick and I have to take off work. But it has been like that with or without a partner. When we were still together, if any of the DC got sick I was the one who was up all night, I had to take off work. It has been easier and less lonely to parent on my own than with him.

My family doesnt live near us, but I know they are there if I need them. I have brilliant friends that will help when I need them. And, thankfully, work is very understanding that kids come first for all the staff.

Being honest, being a single parent has been far better and easier than with my ex DP. Money will be tight at times (for example, when sorting out school stuff and uniforms, christmas…), loneliness can creep in (a fonecall to a friend sorts that out for me), medical worries (again, support from friends) would be a few of the things to consider.. but if u have a good net around you, go for it. The longing will always be there, and the regrets of the what ifs will consume you.

best of luck x

Not in the slightest. He’s moved the goalposts unilaterally. I feel sorry for the woman who believed what he was saying and failed to recognise that the vasectomy was a red flag.

For those saying their child has never missed out on having a dad, do you think your child would tell you, as their mum, that? Is it a bit like children going through a divorce where they will tell each parent what they think they want them to hear.

Even if a child has said to mum they haven’t missed out, I bet some have told their mates that they missed out, wondered what he was like etc.

I was going to say this also. If you're serious about going it alone or even engaging him in a proper discussion then I'd have all the facts first

Absolutely and it would be enough for me not to pursue that particular avenue. It’s one thing to tell them they're adopted, as they already exist anyway, but having to have the donor conversation wouldn’t be something I’d ever want to do.

You don't 'sit them down and tell them,' it's always part of their story, the same as they learn who their family is in any other situation. There are children's books and donor parenting groups. Multiple people in my family and friendship group have used donors for different reasons with the oldest now having had children of their own. It really doesn't have to be a topic that fills anyone with dread.

If he was agreeable why did he have a vasectomy in his twenties?

So like everything it has up and down sides 😁 but to be honest, if you’re financially sorted then that takes out a lot of the downsides. The problem is, if you don’t do this then the decision will be taken away from you eventually and you’ll potentially be living with regret for the rest of your life. I always say, and I stand by this, it is the things we don’t do that we regret. Raising children alone is tough at times, no one to fall back on when you’re ill or just need a break, lonely without that significant other to share pride in them etc, but conversely, it can also be easier. Lots of men don’t share the burden equally, revert back to children themselves when they don’t get all the attention, and create more work than they help with. You read the stories on here literally every day. I guess what I’m trying to say, is that on balance, doing it by yourself is probably no worse. I’ve been a working mum, a parent in a relationship, a single parent, and now parenting with my partner and his kids. All are tough in different ways but the ONE thing that is consistent is that my children are my heart, and my joy and bring real meaning to my life. The deep and profound love I feel for them is worth everything.

Yes I’m turning myself into a bit of a pretzel with this. In his twenties he had a step daughter considerably older than a 20 something would usually have (fair enough if partner was older or a very young mum). Although he had no children of his own he had a vasectomy in his twenties but also in his twenties he was up for having children with the OP. I can’t make sense of that.

@hazelnutvanillalatte I’m adopted and never not known, very much part of my story.

My issue is that in all of OP’s posts and many other posters are not putting the child’s story first and foremost, which it should be. Many children may not be bothered, many others maybe. But it needs to be the consideration when deciding to use a sperm donor.

If I were adopted and knew from very early on I’d be fine with it but if I was the result of a donor I would feel very discombobulated by that. I think it would shake my foundations. That's me, I can’t speak for others.

Did you know early in the relationship that he had had the vasectomy - as in, a clear statement that he never wanted children? Were you listening?

Or was that a much later revelation that he initially kept a secret? Was he telling you the truth?

The difference is important.

Whichever, he's told you and told you and told you for a while now that he doesn't want to.

With an adult SD in the mix, I wonder if he is older than you are?

The prospect of later fatherhood can be daunting. The energy levels alone can be a challenge.

I wonder if the whole pregnancy, childbirth, baby thing grosses him out hence taking steps young to ensure it never happens for him?

He says he has a concern about your spinal health - he might be terrified of what he's projecting that might do to you, even leave him raising a child alone - but that might well be a handy excuse he's latched on to. Something he can cling to, even tho the consultant has reassured you.

He has the right not to want children and to stick to his boundaries.

Just as you have the right to want.

Neither wish trumps the other, neither should have to give in.

So your choice is

Stay together, and never have children, living with regret and resentment.

(And never forget how often we hear of women who resign themselves to staying childless for a man who didn't want them - only for him to bugger off with a younger woman when she hits her 40s and bingo there's a baby for him.)

Stay together and do the getting pregnant some other way, maybe in secret, knowing he doesn't want this - and risk his regret and resentment and a poor child who wasn't wanted by his legal father.

(Don't assume he'll fall in love with a fait accompli baby.)

Stay together and explore fostering (which takes a very special set of skills) or adopting - bearing in mind if he's clearly not enthusiastic you may not be found suitable.

Agree that you just want different things and go your separate ways, hoping that you will be able to conceive and carry safely and that your consultant was right.

All the best to you both whatever you decide. But you have to be having the hard conversations, not the arguments, now.