AIBU to leave DH and start a family?

[spottedinthewild]

Need some brutally honest advice .. DH & I have an adult DSD, no children of our own. I am 34F and desperate to start a family. It consumes my every thought, and has been a constant for the last 3-4 years. I love DH immensely and have no desire to be with anyone else.

I have had this discussion with DH so many times. At first he was adamant that he'd only consider adoption, that was fine. Now he is just not willing to even discuss it. He constantly tells me pregnancy would injure me (I have a spinal injury) despite my consultant telling me I'd be fine. It's clear he doesn't want children.

I have a well-paid job, good benefits and could easily afford to live on my own and support a child. I am considering leaving, using a sperms bank and being a single mum. Am I completely mental?

YABU - Don't wreck a life that is great otherwise, this feeling will pass!
YANBU - It won't pass & you'll regret it, you can survive being a single mum!

@Gettingbysomehow do you at least view them as ideal father material before having DC with them?

@LoztWorld would you advocate a woman having a child with a shit dad just so she can have a child

No wonder so many children end up in shit situations

No. It doesn’t. I’m in my 40s and would never fall for this man’s lies today (if children were an issue which at my age, they definitely aren’t).

In my 20s before I realised men who claim to love you can also happily screw you over without a qualm? I’d have believed what he told me. Just the way the OP did.

If the husband had said ‘no children, ever’, the OP had agreed to this and she had now changed her mind, I’d feel very sorry for both of them.

However, the husband here has lied and lied and lied for years. As you say, the vasectomy strongly suggests he never wanted to have children which means he’s deliberately tricked the OP into thinking otherwise since before they were married (since that’s when they started discussing the subject).

So no, I don’t feel at all sorry for a man who has been caught out in his lies before it’s too late for his wife to have children and who might lose his cosy life as a result.

I did exactly that at 35. Pregnant with my donor conceived baby, give birth in a couple of months. If you need any tips or advice join one of the single mum by choice groups on Facebook. There is a huge community of women that have done just this.

I was a solo parent and honestly I think it has been better in some ways for me and DS. I have been able to raise him exactly in the way that I wanted to with my own boundaries, values and lifestyle choices. I haven't had the interference of an XP to have conflict with and a DC who has gone back and forth between two different homes, or even a dad who lives in the same home but parents in a different way. My DS and I are so close and I am so proud of the young man he is growing up to be.

Yes, there are down sides - the tiredness, the impracticality, the relentlessness of the first few years. But you know all that. You get all that when there are two of you doing it anyway.

I’m not saying I feel sorry for him but I’m just not sure OP was deliberately mislead. I’n sorry but there just no way you can believe someone who is having a vasectomy wants kids.

I’m a SMBC (and one with spinal problems too now, although I didn’t know about them before my DC was born).

YANBU imo to consider becoming a SMBC (try to ignore those who naysay SMBC and lesbian/Gay families - they often aren’t aware of the research taken over the last 20 or 30 years and tend to be stuck in a 1950’s mindset).

However while my DC is everything to me and the happiest of kids - I personally would only become a SMBC again knowing that I had a lot of close family help (or had a lot of money to buy help)- as it is no fun getting ill or being in pain when it’s just you taking care of a baby/toddler. You need a village/back up support imo.

I’ve never known a childless man in his 20s to have a vasectomy but say we can adopt. That could happen if someone already has kids and is about forty but to have that mindset in your 20s must be quite rare.

I thought my first husband was good father .material he went on and on about how great it was being a dad. As soon as I'd given birth he decided he didn't want to to be a dad after all and that was the end of that. I brought my DS up single handed. He's 42 now and we're very happy. He's met his father and didn't like him from the off. He sees him very occasionally but he doesn't want any relationship with him.
I regret my marriage, never my son.

OP said there is a step-child which I assumed was his child if she is childless. Though having checked the OP she also says the step child is an adult so not sure what happened there.

edit: responding to BunnyLake

His step child, apparently

OK, then, I’m happy to add the proviso ‘if the OP isn’t lying….’ to all my previous comments since apparently you think she is?

@LilyJosephine would that be the research that now means children have the right to know who their sperm donor is, as it was realised that being born as a result of sperm donation can cause issues. Whereas in the past it was ignored.

A friend of a friend is a SMBC. Didn’t want a partner but did want a child. That child is her everything, so much so her whole life revolves around her child, her social life everything. She is now trying to discourage her child as they get older to have their own life, and possibly go to university, move away etc as all she wanted was to be a mum and cannot imagine her day to day life without her DC. That is not healthy. This is much more than being an empty nester

Even as a figure of speech you don’t have a moment where you sit them down and tell them. Just like a child from a conventional family wouldn’t remember being sat down and told about their parents, brother and sister etc. it’s fine if you personally wouldn’t do it but it’s an outdated idea that it would be some kind of dark dreaded secret.

I'm a lone parent. Not through choice. It is honestly the hardest thing I have ever done. The good job I had disappeared, the money dropped, my health hit a wall, add in health issues with the children. Childcare? What childcare. Family support? For a time but the older generation start dying off.

Would I do it deliberately for my own longing? Hell no. And what of the children? Each child deserves 2 parents. Let's face it, they wouldn't exist with just one.

Children are a 20 year project...I'm over 20 years in. It's just a new set of problems as they get older.

If its the baby cuddles you long for, and yes, they are fantastic,but they pass very quickly.

I suggest you get a dog.

Ah, the old “get a pet” line. Always comes from people who’ve got kids already. @Notinmylifethyme I’m sorry your parenting experience wasn’t what you hoped, but your situation is different, in that you never expected to be doing it on your own. It’s very very different to be forced into a situation than it is to choose it, and be prepared for it. I’m guessing the father of your children either left you or died, both of which would have been extremely traumatic. OP is not facing this situation.

@spottedinthewild

Never choose having a man over a having a child. I ended my first marriage in part because of this. He was a shit anyway, but when he suddenly announced "I never wanted children", that was the last straw. During our courtship and our marriage children were always going to happen 'when the time is right'. But when that right time came, I found out he'd had no intention of ever having them. Sound familiar?

So, it's time for him to shit or get off the pot. No more excuses about your health or whatever. If you want to give it one more chance, you say "I want to have a child NOW. Do you want children, yes or no?". Rinse and repeat the direct question until he gives an honest answer.

One thing though, and I guess in the end it doesn't matter if he really doesn't want children. I know people are harping on the vasectomy thing, but TBH a man having the snip at such an early age screams "No kids!!" really loudly. But since he originally seemed OK with adoption and since he has such a loving relationship with his DSD, is there any chance that there's something genetic in his family that may make him want to not have biological children?

As far as single parenting, my experience is limited to my DH working away from home for 3 years, just home on weekends. I know that's not 'true' single parenting, but honestly it was easy. The rules were mine, the routine was mine, I made all parenting decisions. And I worked full time. The main caveat is that I had a wonderful support system (friends and parents) and I had a job with liberal paid leave policies and coworkers who were mostly parents themselves and so 'got' the trials and tribulations that go along with having kids. My one 'real' single mum friend had the first part, but she didn't have the best support system (it was pretty much me) and her job was stricter about leave. So it was harder for her, but she still wouldn't have changed a thing.

So do I think you should leave your DH and have a baby on your own? Yes, once you've considered what support system you'll have and how your workplace rules and 'dynamics' will impact your parenting. As the saying goes "Having kids is the toughest job you'll ever love".

It’s worth looking at Prof Susan Golomboks (Cambridge University) research amongst many others (DCN charity can give you a list if you are interested but Golomboks is probably the most accessible as some of her books are available in public libraries.)

Basically it’s best to look at studies that have followed DC children as they have grown up over the last couple of decades. DC children who have been told they were DC from a young age and many from non anonymous donors. They all do at least as well in all rubrics as those in “conventional” families - and on average the DC of the SMBC actually do better (because they don’t tend to suffer from parental separations/family splits the way about half of 2 parent families do).

I can’t speak for an individual SMBC, but I know quite a number of us (including many of my DC’s half siblings mothers) and I can’t ever imagine us treating our children as you describe.

Don’t forget the second salary @AcrossthePond55. That’s the major difference and it’s huge.

How long have you been together? I’ve had the reverse of this, I had my daughter when I was 16, she’s now 24 I did alevels went to uni and went on to become a board director at a FTSE 100. Husband and I have been together 12 years, married 11, we were friends for 4 years before we got together. When I was 34 (daughter had just started uni), husband wanted to have a kid, I personally didn’t we had a good life, we could pretty much do what we wanted when we wanted and I didn’t want to give that up. I remember some of the posts on here at the time, oh he’ll leave bla bla bla. He didn’t and we’re still happy and pretty much able to do what we want when we want. It comes down to one simple thing, is your want/need to have a child greater than the love for your husband and the life you’ve built.

For me, it wouldn’t necessarily be the children / no children issue, it would be the lying.

I doubt you agreed to children before getting married then confirmed constantly throughout the marriage that you would have children at some point? If not (and since most people would never do this, I’m assuming you didn’t), the situation is very different.

It can be, but not always. Not all married couples have two incomes. And not all who do have a spouse that is 'all they should be' My friend's exH was a piece of shit and when he did work 90% of it went on himself (usually on drugs). She was relatively 'low' earning, but was still financially better off without him.

Where it does 'count' is in the event of disability or redundancy. It behooves any parent (married or single) to do good financial planning, since a working married couple usually lives on their combined income so the loss of one income still has an effect. DH and I had that twice in our marriage, luckily we lived 'a bit under' our means and my parents were able to help out until the 'out of work' spouse got back to work. A single parent needs to be especially careful to have a good disability insurance policy and a good sized 'rainy day fund'.

You need to leave asap
In fact I would book an appointment to discuss your ovarian reserves now
He has strung you along by saying he would consider adoption and now won't even discuss it. That alone breeds resentment in any issue
He doesn't care about your wants and needs.
His DC isn't even biologically his and with a vasectomy so young it's obvious he never wanted them
Put yourself and your desires first
You will regret it forever if you don't.

@CandidHedgehog I was open to it when we got married, 3 years in when it came down to it and he wanted to have a child I was further on in my career, and didn’t want to, a change of mind is allowed. My husband like OP didn’t have to stay. Our marriage and the life we’d built meant more to him than starting over to have a child. That’s what it boils down to the grass is rarely greener.

My heart goes out to you OP as that sounds like a horrendously hard position to be in. I'm 34 and my husband and I had our son last year - I'm over the moon we had him but my goodness parenting is hard work and relentless. We don't have any family help locally and have definitely felt that keenly - we routinely say that we have the upmost respect for single parents and don't know how they do it.

That being said - being a mother was so important to me and I can't imagine my life without my son.

So I think you need to listen to your gut. If your gut is saying that you want to be a mother more than you want to be in your relationship you need to follow that. However don't underestimate how challenging it will be doing it solo and make sure you've got your village around you.

Another option would be to freeze your eggs - just to buy yourself some time!

It's weird and creepy because you are only 34 and are talking about being extremely involved as a grandparent when actually you just want your own child and are wondering if this one will do as a surrogate. If I was your DSD and knew you thought that way it would be a massive red flag.

OP being a mother is hard whether single or not but nothing worth doing is easy. Some people find it a hell of a lot easier being single too lol. If you are financially very stable then you can hire help. Most people have very little help these days and manage it.
Never give up your dream of being a mother, there is nothing on earth that will fill that hole. And nothing you will ever love as much. You will end up extremely resentful of your husband and he will know you are unhappy. I genuinely dont think this relationship will continue to make you happy.

Ignore the people going on about needing 2 parents, again the happy nuclear family isnt such a thing now. I know lots of people raised by 2 parents who were miserable.