To feel rejected by mother’s group?

[Copenhagener]

I had my baby girl 4 months ago.

I was placed in a new mother’s group by my health visitor and we are encouraged to meet weekly.

Background: had a terrible time getting pregnant and needed IVF, and had an awful pregnancy and ended up with some quite intense post-partum depression. Breastfeeding didn’t work out (my milk never really came in and baby ended up in NICU because her body needed more food) so I switched to formula with no other choice - and she is now thriving and it admittedly made my life a lot easier. I also had to have a planned c-section because baby was footling breech and I had severe polyhydramnios that could’ve killed her if I’d gone into labour naturally. I will never, ever have another child.

In a nutshell: I didn’t have it particularly easy.

The women in my mother group all had natural unmedicated births, exclusively breastfeed, co-sleep, baby wear, and spend the sessions talking about never getting any sleep themselves, and their complications from vaginal delivery/sore boobs/hormones and cranky crying up all night babies. All normal things - but none that I experience.

I really try not to bring up my experience of my baby - she sleeps through the night in her own bed, doesn’t really cry, and is a very happy, independent girl and eats easily (and my partner and I do 50/50 with feeds). I don’t find being a mother that challenging generally - besides my mental health sometimes. But I feel they think I’m a ’fake’ or bad mother because I have no real issues or complaints and I don’t want to make them up!

some things I’ve had said:

• breast is so much better for them! I would never formula feed - the hospital made me once and I was so happy my baby refluxed that rubbish straight back up
• You should see a lactation consultant (I did)
• why didn’t you keep trying with pumping, I pump every 2 hours
• I am so proud of my birth - I tore 3rd degree but at least I didn’t have a c-section - it would’ve wrecked my mental health to know I didn’t give birth properly to her.
• there must be something wrong with your baby if she sleeps so much
• Why do you use a pacifier, it’s bad for them (she has a strong suck reflux and hospital recommended them for non-bf babies)
• she’s really big. (She’s 7.5kg/size 68) are you over feeding her?
• how could you only want one child, she will be lonely.
• why would you want to go back to work so quickly? (I’m taking 8 months leave then dad is doing 3 months).
• I could never leave my baby alone while they’re so little (I go to the cinema/beauty salon/yoga/Pilates/etc a couple of times a week while dad takes care of baby at the weekends/evenings).
• Why do you take her to all those classes? They just want mum right now and it’s overstimulating! (We go to disco babies / baby swim / baby singing - she loves it!).
• Why don’t you use a carrier? (she’s heavy and I had a section!). Plus; I find walking her in the pram is helping my core rehabilitate more.

I don’t openly say I get good sleep, but when one specifically asked I did tell her (and reiterated it’s probably sheer luck I have a good sleeper and nothing I’ve done) she stopped replying to me completely.

I feel a bit left out and actually like I’m annoying them because we don’t relate much. In my country breastfeeding is very widespread and quite judged about if you don’t do it. C sections cannot be elective so they’re quite unusual too. I want to be sympathetic and I am, but I don’t have first hand experience and it shows.

I just feel sad that there’s no grace given for my baby decisions/what happened to me, and that while I am lucky now with my daughter and her temperament, it wasn’t always this way and could easily change in future.

Would it be unreasonable to stop going to the group? My health visitor says I really should continue for my mental health/ppd. But I feel unwelcome and actually more sad after each meet up.

This is madness OP, and a bit nasty yeah, what on earth??
Sorry they've been like this :(

Some of the things they're saying are factually correct, but sounds like they're mainly being bitchy and unnecessary. I breastfed/bedshared etc, but would never have been so horrible and judgey to parents who did things differently!

I used bibs. Teeth are fine

Those mothers sound absolutely awful, I would definitely stop going if I were you. I think with the other baby classes you are going to your health visitor won’t need to worry about you getting out and meeting people etc.

She hasn't made decisions to do it a different way though, has she? Her baby ended up in hospital because of breastfeeding and she needed a c-section for medical reasons. All out of her control.

It's a mother and baby group, not a breastfeeding group and it should be inclusive of those who can't breastfeed for whatever reason. It shouldn't be necessary to separate mothers by how their baby is feeding.

I wouldn’t say anything, but I would’ve felt like I was doing something wrong considering motherhood is incredibly easy for you. My dd didn’t sleep well and I didn’t have time for Pilates etc when my dd was as young as yours. It sounds like everyone in your group, including you, are competing against one another and that’s not healthy. If you don’t enjoy it, then don’t go again. Side note - your baby is huge! But that’s not a bad thing. Every child is different and you can’t over feed a 4 month old baby.

A group for bottle feeding mums? Oh Lordy! Your post is incredibly tone deaf. Some people had to bottle feed for medical reasons - i didn’t produce enough and couldn’t get latch and due to Covid was offered no support. What bottle feeding mums need is not to be ostracised but accepted that fed is best and everyone can leave their judgemental crap at the door!

So sorry to hear about your difficult birth experience OP. You've had a tough time of it and sounds like you're doing everything right with your DD thriving.

Honestly, these groups aren't always good for your mental health, especially as a first time mum - even though they sound like a great idea. I went to one with my DD and although it started off well - WhatsApp group chat set up, weekly coffee social dates etc - it didn't take long for it to turn toxic with some members bitching about others and getting caught.

I was breastfeeding but in the minority - only three of us were and I felt judged for doing it, more so because DD wouldn't take a bottle so I couldn't go out and join their evening drinks. I was made to feel like I was a bit of a freak for this, and definitely felt judged.

And don't even start me on the weaning chat...DD did not take to solids and much preferred milk, meanwhile the rest of them were claiming their babies were tucking into three course roasts! Obviously that made me feel even worse.

Then there was another group I went to, where breastfeeding was hugely encouraged and I was judged for wanting to try a bottle...you get the picture.

My point is - it's a very competitive time and ten years into parenting with two very different delivery stories, I can see how insecure we all were - nobody really knew if they were doing the 'right' thing, it was a strange time.

Keep up with the classes, you will find your tribe, I promise.

Please stop going, they will ruin the best years of early life with your baby. There are many different tribes out there, that are much more supportive op. Leave and never go back, the relief will be immense.

Best thing I have ever did for my mental health was to discover the joys of bottle feeding!!! Babies are now 20 years old and so sporty and gorgeous! Just be happy op.

It's them not you. What a judgemental set of unsupportive twats.

Motherhood and age.
I know this has been done a million times
But...
I'm interested to know, among your circles what is the most common age to be having baby no 1, 2 etc
Just curious...

Actually surprisingly not! I’m used to Danish bluntness, but that particular person is American. I’m not Danish but I’ve been here for a long time.

I was quite perplexed as to why the first private message she ever sent me was that! I’ve never even noticed what brand of pacifier other mothers use.

Yes, we are assigned a group by our health visitor during the first meeting, based on who gave birth the same week and who is also in the local area - and also based on first/second time mothers. Obviously not a recipe for success every time 😅

It’s strongly recommended to attend these groups regularly after one month postpartum, but it’s not forced. In theory a nice idea, and I was excited for it.

I don't have children and can't offer advice. However I can absolutely see how your awful experiences are sort of 'hidden' and people telling you are lucky must be hard to take.

Why not just go to places that make you feel good (baby disco sounds fun) and sod the rest of them!

Xxxxxx

I wonder where that’d leave the combo-feeding mothers. Or maybe they can have their own group too 😅

Thanks for defending me. I’d love to say I made these ‘different’ decisions about how large my baby was born, being told I must have a c-section so my baby wouldn’t die or be oxygen deprived via cord prolapse by a senior consultant at 37 weeks, and my boobs refusing to produce more than 10ml of milk when baby needed 500ml a day, and my decision to force a tube down her throat to get calories into her and on a CPAP machine for 3 days when her lungs started failing, and even the lactation consultant saying it was hopeless and dangerous to continue and my baby desperately just needed to eat. Or having PPD so bad I genuinely began contemplating ways to kill myself, disassociated for a while, and needed emergency intervention.

Being able to make decisions on these things is a privilege I didn’t have. So I’m surprised people would think I took the ‘easy’ route.

Oh my goodness do NOT carry on associating with these women.

I would have absolutely no time for that.

@Copenhagener So many Mums believe their way is the only way. They are hugely intolerant and critical of anyone with different views. Enjoy your baby and don't worry about them. I was actually left out from gatherings and actually it was a blessing. You don't need to be around these virtue signalling people. My first crime was to want an epidural, I had an easy first baby too. You quickly become not one of them as you don't have their problems to solve.

One of these mums recognised me a couple of years ago. Our DDs are now 32! She stopped me to tell me hers was a doctor. I knew she would have passed on by if her DD was a drug Addict.

So find what you do enjoy and enjoy your satisfied baby. No 2 might not be like that! (If you want another of course!)

I remember feeling like this with my first. Emergency C-section followed by a baby who couldn't latch and started getting poorly. I ended up fully formula feeding- it was a no brainer with a poorly hungry baby- but felt so disappointed at not being able to breast feed. I use to go to a weekly baby group and every mum seemed to breast feed. I'd hurry home for feeding time! But equally had the most content, excellent sleeping baby!

Baby number 2 I found my people- not from baby group!

It's funny though as a majority of the babies from that group are now ten years old and all in the same class with my 'baby'.... no one cares who was formula fed and who was breast fed and no one asks how you gave birth.... I can't see any difference in behaviour or intellect of those breast fed or formula fed! They are all lovely kids!

Leave the group- you will find your people ❤️

I did the baby wearing, natural birth, breastfeeding malarkey with all of mine and can confidently say that it sounds like you've made the right decisions for your circumstances. Bin them off, they're not doing you any favours.

It's all about competitive parenting isn't it? Who is the best at it. I breast fed but wish I hadn't. Weaning no 2 was a nightmare. Poster is right. Get to school and no one cares about baby choices.

Stop going, it is worse for your mental health having to feel like you constantly need to defend yourself, I had a c-section with my 4th baby and its no walk in the park and there's no prizes for non medicated natural birth, they sound jealous to be honest and probably wish they had a baby that slept and a hands on partner

Flashbacks to the first mum friend I made an absolute lunatic! It’s trial and error. She was in bits because she had to have a c section not her planned water birth with candles at home. She was well over 40 and it was her fist baby and she had other health issues so that was never realistic. . I started off sympathetic but lost patience. I’d had an emergency c section myself too and was grateful to have a healthy baby as a work colleague who was due at the same time was not so lucky which put it all into perspective for me.

They sound like horrible people. I had a c-section and if someone said to me that ‘I didn’t give birth properly’ 4 months post partum that would have really upset me.
I do parent the same as them (breastfeeding,
cosleep etc) but I had judgy comments about that all the time from family. I wouldn’t only have been friends with people the same as me and never judged anyone for their parenting choices (despite being judged myself). I don’t think you should meet up with them again

They sound very judgemental and like others have said, I wouldn't go back! I'm breastfeeding but hate those that try to push it on others and are all 'breast is best' because no, actually it isn't for everyone! Your little girl sounds happy and healthy so whatever your doing is clearly working. Infact, I could probably do with some tips! 😂