To feel rejected by mother’s group?

[Copenhagener]

I had my baby girl 4 months ago.

I was placed in a new mother’s group by my health visitor and we are encouraged to meet weekly.

Background: had a terrible time getting pregnant and needed IVF, and had an awful pregnancy and ended up with some quite intense post-partum depression. Breastfeeding didn’t work out (my milk never really came in and baby ended up in NICU because her body needed more food) so I switched to formula with no other choice - and she is now thriving and it admittedly made my life a lot easier. I also had to have a planned c-section because baby was footling breech and I had severe polyhydramnios that could’ve killed her if I’d gone into labour naturally. I will never, ever have another child.

In a nutshell: I didn’t have it particularly easy.

The women in my mother group all had natural unmedicated births, exclusively breastfeed, co-sleep, baby wear, and spend the sessions talking about never getting any sleep themselves, and their complications from vaginal delivery/sore boobs/hormones and cranky crying up all night babies. All normal things - but none that I experience.

I really try not to bring up my experience of my baby - she sleeps through the night in her own bed, doesn’t really cry, and is a very happy, independent girl and eats easily (and my partner and I do 50/50 with feeds). I don’t find being a mother that challenging generally - besides my mental health sometimes. But I feel they think I’m a ’fake’ or bad mother because I have no real issues or complaints and I don’t want to make them up!

some things I’ve had said:

• breast is so much better for them! I would never formula feed - the hospital made me once and I was so happy my baby refluxed that rubbish straight back up
• You should see a lactation consultant (I did)
• why didn’t you keep trying with pumping, I pump every 2 hours
• I am so proud of my birth - I tore 3rd degree but at least I didn’t have a c-section - it would’ve wrecked my mental health to know I didn’t give birth properly to her.
• there must be something wrong with your baby if she sleeps so much
• Why do you use a pacifier, it’s bad for them (she has a strong suck reflux and hospital recommended them for non-bf babies)
• she’s really big. (She’s 7.5kg/size 68) are you over feeding her?
• how could you only want one child, she will be lonely.
• why would you want to go back to work so quickly? (I’m taking 8 months leave then dad is doing 3 months).
• I could never leave my baby alone while they’re so little (I go to the cinema/beauty salon/yoga/Pilates/etc a couple of times a week while dad takes care of baby at the weekends/evenings).
• Why do you take her to all those classes? They just want mum right now and it’s overstimulating! (We go to disco babies / baby swim / baby singing - she loves it!).
• Why don’t you use a carrier? (she’s heavy and I had a section!). Plus; I find walking her in the pram is helping my core rehabilitate more.

I don’t openly say I get good sleep, but when one specifically asked I did tell her (and reiterated it’s probably sheer luck I have a good sleeper and nothing I’ve done) she stopped replying to me completely.

I feel a bit left out and actually like I’m annoying them because we don’t relate much. In my country breastfeeding is very widespread and quite judged about if you don’t do it. C sections cannot be elective so they’re quite unusual too. I want to be sympathetic and I am, but I don’t have first hand experience and it shows.

I just feel sad that there’s no grace given for my baby decisions/what happened to me, and that while I am lucky now with my daughter and her temperament, it wasn’t always this way and could easily change in future.

Would it be unreasonable to stop going to the group? My health visitor says I really should continue for my mental health/ppd. But I feel unwelcome and actually more sad after each meet up.

Block them all to prevent any more unsolicited bullshit coming your way. They sound unhinged.

You did what was right for your baby - nothing to do with anyone else at all. I would say find another baby group - these women are the absolute opposite of good for your mental health

It doesn’t sound like it’s doing your mental health much good being in the group!

You are doing a great job, don’t compare yourself to other mums. Your baby is happy and healthy which is all that matters.

OMG! They sound like a pack of cunts! Why is your HV encouraging this. They are just women who gave birth at a similar time to you. They are not friends or people you have any other connection to. You have done so well to get through all the traumas involved with having your baby. I think having a new baby can lead to a lot of competitive parenting and actually this is not supportive for any one. When I had a small baby my favourite groups were based in church halls with a range of ages of children and nice older ladies from church would come and make everyone a cup of tea and a biscuit. I would look for a group like that. Enjoy your beautiful baby. Xxx

Oh love, life is too short to waste your time with such judgemental and wanky twats as these awful women.

ffs, my ds is almost 20 yo and even then we knew not to bitch about other women in bottle/boob thing! My milk didn’t come in and boy was losing weight, formula absolutely did the job and like I said, he’s a great big strapping man now.

leave the group, find another and if you can put in a complaint about the group and how unsupportive, judgemental and disrespectful it is.

you are doing a great job! Your baby is happy, well fed and rested. You are getting sleep and recovering well. That is all that matters at this stage!

I hope your pnd is on the mend too, I think this group will be a contributing factor. What area in the country are you? Perhaps someone here can offer some alternative options for you?

I voted YABU by mistake. You're definitely not!
Find somewhere else ASAP

Definitely stop going OP!!! You don't need to be made to feel the way you are. You're doing a great job and those women are just demonstrating how closed minded/daft they really are, so ignore them!

And the HV can give suggestions, but ultimately, it's up to you what you do!

You will get these judgy types sometimes. Especially in Scandinavia where the general population is so aware about health recommendations that they can't grasp that sometimes the rules do not apply. I wanted to breastfeed but due to the antidepressants all doctors I asked adviced against it since it goes out in the breastmilk. I didn't want to tell every single person the reason why I didn't breastfeed so I just didn't. I had also decided against the dummy before birth..well after a week of constantly having to give my baby the finger I told my dh to go and buy some. My son kept them until he was 7 years old (autistic and really needed the pacifier). He's now 15 and had never had any problems with his teeth. You do you and don't care about the rest.❤️

I also had a very complicated pregnancy resulting in my DD being delivered by section at 37 weeks exactly. She was fine but tiny and we were advised to mix feed which led to her rejecting the boob at 3 weeks (bf wasn't easy, formula was). I also felt very sad to give it up but as you say, ff meant both that she was properly fed and that my husband could help a lot more. We also had a happy, well-rested, affectionate little baby and I also felt very awkward around my NCT friends who were struggling with sleep and feeding as I found it very easy. I went back after 6 months so that DH could take 6 months pat leave so goodness knows what your group would think of me!

My NCT group were not intrusive or showboaty like your group, though. Your mums sound very competitive and a bit insecure. I can't imagine that's doing much for your MH! I'd tell your health visitor that going is making you feel worse not better and ask her to recommend a different group or activity for you to try. FWIW I made very good friends at local baby sensory groups and Hartbeeps so that might be worth a go.

What a bunch of bitches!

Definitely stop going, there will be other groups of less judgmental moms out there, it just might take a while to find one.

My NCT group was a bit like that but not quite as bad. I was very defensive about having to stop BF for the same reason as you, but for the rest of their nonsense I rolled my eyes.

Oh I also wanted to say that PPD or not, all of us as first time mums doubt ourselves! We all wonder if we’re doing the best/enough etc.

this is a sign that YOU ARE A GOOD MUM, because you care, because you want to the best, and actually @Copenhagener you are not only doing your best, but you’re doing GREAT!

When I had a small baby my favourite groups were based in church halls with a range of ages of children and nice older ladies from church would come and make everyone a cup of tea and a biscuit. I would look for a group like that.

Absolutely agree with this - exactly the same for me, they are the best groups

@Copenhagener

Dear God, they sound VILE! Ditch them immediately! Find some normal, non judgy mums to hang out with. It doesn't matter how babies come into the world or how they're fed etc - as long as they're happy & healthy, along with you, no-one should care! Go find your tribe who will support you. These women in your group are twats!!

Bless you OP. YANBU to bow out. It must be tough if you live in a country with so few C sections - as well as the recovery being quite different, some people don’t realise that breastfeeding can also often be more difficult to establish too (I had one and had to really struggle to breastfeed- it took me several months to fully establish and tbh many of the other mothers I meet who had c sections seem to have had to give up as it’s just not practical or safe to keep going unless you are very lucky and given masses of help and/or respond well to milk supply supplements).

Its a shame your HV can’t point you to any mothers in the same situation as you, but I hope things get better for you soon ❤️

@Copenhagener they sound detrimental to your health .
You have loads of other groups , your dh , and your own stuff and you have 50/50 split with child care. .I don’t think you need this group at all.

If you just replace it with something else .
I too had a terrible last birth and of it was my first It would have been my last .
It does sound like it’s all going swimmingly for you and they are clearly jealous /envious . Don’t let them rise any of it away from you .

@Copenhagener Don't worry about what they say or think- breast feeding is very easy for some women, and others cannot breastfeed for whatever reason.

My mum wasn't 'allowed' to BF as she was seriously {Terminally} ill.

Dummies are seem as the works of the divil by some...my son never had one because he was a thumb sucker...and people used to love to say how bad thumb sucking is { DS's teeth are white and even}..I'd try to get DS to stop thumb sucking, but the thumb would pop straight back in !

I met a lovely woman at a Baptist church run baby and toddler group {The group was really lovely and not 'religious' } and we are friends to this day {Our sons are young adults now}.

Leave the group you are in if the other mothers make you feel unsupported.

You just described my NCT group. It was awful. If you didn't have a baby in a sling attached to your boob constantly, they weren't interested.

I didn't breastfeed at all so naturally immediately became the devil.

I'm sorry you've had such a rubbish experience - definitely step away from this group. Your tribe is out there somewhere.

Women are each other's worst enemy. I'm in the UK and I was in a group (not assigned though) with both of mine, though for much shorter as mat leave back then was only 6 months. Oh the competitiveness and the judgement! I was lucky to have one other mother who was very like me, but I got judged for planning to go back full time, for babywearing, for breastfeeding on demand after 3 months (apparently I was supposed to enforce a schedule?) and for not using a dummy. Go figure.

If I were you I'd focus on your recovery from PPD - the counselling and the going out having genuine shared care with your partner will help with that. There isn't a right way to do this, only one that's right for you.

The mothers do sound judgmental but equally you have made decisions to do it a different way and you have to accept that views differ, they are not wrong on some of those things too, babies do not need or even enjoy classes, they are very much to benefit mothers.

A footling breach normally is a c section birth, even the most earth mother types do understand this, (and yes I coslept, breast fed, etc etc but wouldn't ever criticise a medically indicated c section!) As to your baby being big, most formula fed babies are bigger and over feeding is an issue, as long as you get professional guidance to ensure that your baby is being fed correctly you can ignore them, but be aware demand feeding on formula is problematic. As for dummies, I do hate seeing them in babies mouths personally but I'm too polite to verbalise this!

How about seeing if there's a group for bottle feeding mums?

The best advice I ever got when I had my Son is “run your own race”

you know your child better than anyone else, you love them, you care for them, you want what is best for them, that’s all that matters. Run your own race.

in my experience, you tried breast feeding, it didn’t work out for you. Fed is best.

Dummies actually reduce the risk of SIDS by 90% (I was told this by our NICU nurse 5 years ago)

A C-Section is birth and it’s not easy. If I didn’t have one both my Son and I would have died. They literally save lives.

I would find some more like minded mums if I were you. These are not your people.

You'd be better off finding some nice baby playgroups and getting away from this particular group of women.

But do get out every day, even if it's only for a long walk with your baby.

Sounds familiar! My dc are adults now but my post natal group were similarly judgmental! It sounds like you had a really tough time and are now just very grateful to be able to enjoy motherhood.

Gradually as your child grows, you make new friends. I am only in contact occasionally with 2 of that baby group now. Be happy, ignore their comments and enjoy your baby.

Is that text message from someone Danish, and you're not Danish? Obviously she's rude but there are some cultural differences where people think that being helpful equates being straightforward. It's the only excuse I could come up with for being such a twat 😂

But also leave the group, they've clearly formed a creepy gang of one-upmanship. It being only 4 people probably didn't help, you need a bigger group. Your crowd will be somewhere out there. I'd tell the health visitor exactly why she shouldn't recommend this group again.

Are you on the peanut app? I found that so brilliant tp meet friends (though I used it as I moved to a new place when my baby was 6 weeks, a planned move but harder than I ever imagined!). In the natural chats on there I found some women with similar experiences and are now firm friends with them, some I just chatting to on the app.

They sound like morons. Who would even suggest you continued with breast feeding when your baby ended up in hospital?!

Don't feel rejected, proactively walk away and feel like you've freed yourself from a bunch of idiots. They'll probably spend their entire baby's infancy in a self destructive cycle of judging and criticising each other and feeling judged and critcised in return - not fun! Who wants to waste their time feeling shit?

Enjoy your lovely baby - there are other people out there for you. Nice, supportive, fun people who don't deal with their own crippling self doubt by trying to make other people feel bad (because that's what these twats are doing).