To distance myself from frined with toddler since she never has time for me without baby?

[Vicosa321]

I understand having a toddler may be a hard work but its not like her kid has 2 set of grandparents that live minutes away or have a father that is involved, her kid is 1 year and 3 months old. I have asked to do some one on one time with her 1 month ago. I said i be waiting for her to have a day that works for her but no more to that. But last night she posts about she having a drink and bowling with her other bestie and partner without baby. Seems like they do this 1 time a month thing. That makes me a bit sad and less priotized as a friend that she rather hang with her other bestie, maybe it makes sense because she also has a toddler same age as my friends and her partner also get along with hers. (Her partner also get along with my partner). Thing is that she be like «been so long! Miss hanging with uuuuu» but no compromise. Like her child is lovley but its her i want to hang out with, it also a whole another dynamic when baby comes along. So im i being unreasonable for keeping my distance? Sadly i kinda feel like im not getting anything out about this friendship right now. Its all about her and her toddler, and most of the snapchat she sends me about its her child. I miss her ofc but i don’t think a friendship is supposed to be one sided, and it makes me feel sad. But may be because we drifting apart.

Do you have any children of your own and do you plan to?

Sorry you feel like this OP but I think that friendships can come to a natural end when DC arrive. You sound quite young - do you have other friends, relationships you can nurture?

@sauvignonsass i wish but i don’t have to many😕

If you want to keep the friendship, I think you need to wait and see. The baby/toddler years really are all-consuming and can be hard and maybe she needs that friendship with someone who knows exactly what she’s going through more than any other friendships right now. But that doesn’t mean she won’t emerge and reconnect when she can catch her breath.

Yes, a good friendship can survive fallow periods. That is, if you want it to.

@HeddaGarbled hmm that kinda gives me the impression that they only connect with others when they want and feel like it..

Um, yeah. That's how friendship works.

Those years are so so tough and a month or two can easily slip by without you doing the things you thought you would. I agree she possibly has more in common now with the other friend if she has a child too. Shared chaos and emotions, life upheaval etc. I'm also not surprised the pics etc are all about baby as her life likely is all about baby and I think many go through a long period where there really isn't much else to their life, it is all about being a new parent.

If you like her, try and hang in there, but realise her life has changed beyond recognition.

I know it’s hard and we’ve been there but don’t put your hopes in her basket. You have to find friends of of your own and don’t compare yourself to other mothers. Find others others to try to be friends with. It’ll work. Just be friendly

Yes, exactly. You seek someone’s company when you ‘want and feel like it’. How did you think friendships worked?

Don't write the friendship off. One of my best friends had a baby when my IVF ended in miscarriage. I really distanced myself from her and I remember thinking although we'd been long term friends that I wasn't fussed on keeping the friendship. Even the few years before that we'd drifted apart. Every time I met with her and her child my heart ached. Her baby was ivf too and born the same month I'd been due.

I'm so so grateful I kept the friendship. We ended up getting pregnant around the same time several years later. She was a couple of months ahead of me and was great support. She's been my rock in recent years. Im so grateful we came back together.

Friendships can drift apart but a good solid friendship means you should be able to reconnect if ever your lives should align again and they probably will.

@Robinredd for me is more that she is priotizing her other friends and leaving me behind..

So in your world friendships are completely one-sided and fulfilling the needs of one person only?

@Firefly1987 fr, i think this is such none sence and pretty one sided thinking. Im def not gonna wait forever til she’s is ready to be my friend again. Especially since she is priotzing her other friends

Tbf you sound like hard work.

@bottlemom lemme guess? U a mom? Well to say it out its not always a good feeling seeing your «closest» friend priotizing other people time after time one on one, and never priotizing one on one time with u once. It makes u feel less of a friend

Friendship really does benefit from being at similar life stages and locations. You need to stop relying on this one person to meet your needs, and develop other relationships. She doesn't have time for you in the way that you want her to, and she is entitled to maintain other friendships. Moaning won't help, and there's no need to be dramatic with any arguments, just divert yourself elsewhere for a bit and see what happens over the years.

shes got a toddler and a 3 month old baby, this stage of her life is really hard right now. She won’t be able to and probably won’t want to leave her baby much whilst it’s this young. Life is all consuming with two young kids and she probably doesn’t have much time to think of anything else. It’s easier to socialise with people in the same situation, there’s no expectation to be on top form, can complain about kids together, the other person will just understand what she’s going through. She’ll be exhausted and not have much brain space. What I’m trying to say is it might not be about you, it’s just her life stage with such young children. Give her a bit of time to come out of the young baby stage, have you asked how you could help, or go over to her house?

Im pretty sure i meant hear toddler was 1 year and 3 month olds. She only have one kid not 2
@Overthebow

YANBU OP, friendship isn’t one sided and she should make an effort to see you without the baby if she has people to help with childcare. Does she know this is what you want though? Equally, if it is clear you wish her to almost pretend like she hasn’t got a child, that is your problem and it won’t work.

I have 3 friends that are single without children. Two of them I have found it easy to maintain friendships with since I’ve had kids. They’ve met my kids, who are very fond of them many times, but we’ve also had plenty of child free socialising also. The 3rd friend, our friendship has largely fizzled out. She made a big thing of only seeing me without my children, which I went along with but she would never ask about them, clearly didn’t like me mentioning them. I’m able to chat about non child stuff easily and I do but I’m not going to act like my kids don’t exist to keep her happy.

So How often are you meeting up with the baby? Or do you insist on only baby free meet ups?

@Never2many since baby was born it has only been with baby included. Meaning no adult time for us. So thefor i love have some one on one time, but im giving up on my hopes about that since last i asked she said yes but that was 1 month ago but she has been meeting other friends wihout her kid, where they let grandmas watch their kid

God I couldn’t be bothered having a friend in my life who bitched and moaned about me not prioritising them only a couple of months after I had returned to work from maternity leave!

The meet ups without her kid is probably with other mums who will just be talking about their kids like a support group.

@Completelyjo thats u, but its also pretty rude to leave a friend behind to priotize every other friends instead. Idk about you but for me friendships is about give and take, if u can’t even give a lil dime why keep u as friend? Pluss she has been long time out of maternity leave.