To distance myself from frined with toddler since she never has time for me without baby?

[Vicosa321]

I understand having a toddler may be a hard work but its not like her kid has 2 set of grandparents that live minutes away or have a father that is involved, her kid is 1 year and 3 months old. I have asked to do some one on one time with her 1 month ago. I said i be waiting for her to have a day that works for her but no more to that. But last night she posts about she having a drink and bowling with her other bestie and partner without baby. Seems like they do this 1 time a month thing. That makes me a bit sad and less priotized as a friend that she rather hang with her other bestie, maybe it makes sense because she also has a toddler same age as my friends and her partner also get along with hers. (Her partner also get along with my partner). Thing is that she be like «been so long! Miss hanging with uuuuu» but no compromise. Like her child is lovley but its her i want to hang out with, it also a whole another dynamic when baby comes along. So im i being unreasonable for keeping my distance? Sadly i kinda feel like im not getting anything out about this friendship right now. Its all about her and her toddler, and most of the snapchat she sends me about its her child. I miss her ofc but i don’t think a friendship is supposed to be one sided, and it makes me feel sad. But may be because we drifting apart.

Seems you are not prioritised for good reason, reading your post you do come across as entitled.

Her priorities have completely changed. Having a toddler is a full time experience, not just physically but mentally as well. Her other friend gets it but you don't understand. She probably makes plans with her other bestie because it's easier to drop plans or back out at the last minute if she needs to. They also have more in common now and the same pics she sends you, her other friend will like receiving and send her similar photos back. Being a mother is now a huge part of her new identity. Being a friend is 2nd to all of that. She genuinely doesn't have time for more than one night out a month without her baby at the moment and frankly that's more that most people with babies and toddlers go out anyway. I can remember trying to make plans with my toddler mum friends. We'd go to cafes with toddlers but never managed the ambitious nights out we dreamed of. Too tired and too difficult to arrange! Leaving kids at the this age with grandparents is not always realistic, especially when they're in a good routine at home or take a long time to settle. When she does have time she might find your conversation difficult to keep up with. You get a kind of brain fog with a baby or toddler at home and don't always keep up with current affairs or gossip etc. She's busy in so many senses of the word. That doesn't mean she doesn't still want to keep your friendship going. It doesn't mean she doesn't genuinally miss you. There's no reason to fall out. You can put space in the friendship though if that makes sense right now. That's absolutely fine.

@MikeRafone entitled youself maybe?
friendships is about give and take. I don’t think most ppl are entitled for wanting to meet one on one once a while but thats me

perhaphs instead of attacking the messenger have a look at yourself instead of being defensive and deflecting.

What do you want to do, like meet for a meal or night out? Do you meet her with her child aswell

@bettydavieseyes and thas why i have told her 1 month ago to decide a time that works for her for one on one time to hit me up, it wasn’t very easy for me to ask since not every parent may take that well. But she did say sure! But then it felt like she forgot about me and planned outgoing without kid with other friends. She says she misses me but no plans

@MikeRafone you attacking me aswell weren’t you? Not very nice

I’m not attacking you, I’m explain how you come across in your post, if that is the same with your friend - then it maybe why she isn’t prioritising you

OP gently, you say that she’s making time for her other friends and not you. In another post you also say that you don’t have other friends.

Do you think there’s a reason why that is?

@pincklop a meal out ofc for now also told her it dosn’t even have to be long bcs i know she needs to get home to her child at some point

When DC are little, they are all consuming and exhausting. No matter how besotted a parent it with their little one, their lives change beyond belief.

I can recall desperately wanting some time to myself, but physically and mentally aching for my DCs when I was away from them, for even the shortest of times.

Mothers are programmed to feel that way to ensure we didn’t leave our child to be eaten by a bear or sabre toothed tiger.

Unless you are coming across as high needs/demanding it is unlikely to be an intentional dismissal of you, but just a natural overriding drive to be with her baby.

If she has recently returned to work she may feel even more torn about leaving her baby. With the other couple it may feel easier to plan things as they will understand the need for last minute changes of plan and hiccups.

if you are being openly demanding she may well be avoiding you. I am afraid given the overwhelming nature of early parenting, often DMs no longer have the bandwidth to cope with childlike needs from another adult.

@RogersOrganismicProcess bruh u try make it sound like i message her for one on one time every week/day if im right. Im not a daily on my Social medias. Nor do i demand her time but i asked if she was up for one on one time once. And we are all humans so ofc i can’t lie to feel a bit sad when she makes that effort with others. She returned to work 5 months ago so not so recently.

Her baby is barely over 1 so she’s really not a long time away from maternity leave. You don’t understand her life at all.
What have you done to prioritise her? Do you ever meet near her for a coffee and a walk with the baby?
’Friends’ who just hassle you in the early stages of a baby for evening/ night out time are exhausting.

My baby at this age barely slept, going to work and having a non sleeping baby basically took up all of my time. I needed to use the weekend to catch up on life, try and have a tiny bit of down time and solo meets with friends weren’t every weekend and nights out for dinner were rare because I just didn’t want to do that with my time!

You sound inflexible and snappy, she probably can’t be bothered with it.

Sorry @Vicosa321 but when you have a child all time is precious and it's really at that time that some friendships muddle out. Your friend has clearly chosen her priorities and you are not one. As you describe it she has many people around to babysit (+ dad) so if she hasn't seen you it's because she doesn't want to. She might also be miffed about you asking to see her without her child. I understand you but she might have taken it the wrong way being a new mum and all. Pursue other friendships is my advice.

You sound grim. The way you keep saying “her kid” is awful, you’re no friend.

@Completelyjo yea «snappy and inflexible» after gathering to my friends babys needs every hang out that have been🙄 because thats what friends do right? But when u bring up once sthm like that then you become the unreasonable or idk😅

@Pippinsdiary then what the socks im a supposed to say? That its not her kid? 🤣😅

Shockingly this isn’t the first time the OP has posted about her friends child.
She reschedules or cancels any time the baby was going to come with the friend.
Give and take, eh? Or all on your terms?

This. You sound rude and very immature

Time passes differently for different people. To me a month is nothing. Life is busy. Even before kids if someone asked me to arrange something I wouldn’t worry if a month later it hadn’t happened yet.

I think you need to go and find some other friends. I appreciate it’s tough and you’re hurting but ultimately it’s not the responsibility of someone else to meet your needs. From my experience friendships ebb and flow for many people. Just because that closeness that you once shared isn’t there now doesn’t mean it’s lost forever. Equally, though you’re well within your rights to end it if you don’t feel it’s working for you.

Becoming a parent changes the dynamic of every single existing relationship you hold. There’s this whole other priority in your life and everything else shifts around it. You say she goes out with her husband when she meets her friend, this could be their way of connecting as a couple as well. I’m assuming if you don’t want the baby around you don’t want the husband either. You do have to make compromises once you have children with free time, finances etc and sadly in your case your friendship has been compromised in a way your not happy with.

I don’t think either one of you are the asshole in this situation. Your friendship has changed and I think you just need to have a frank conversation about whether it’s something you both want to pursue.

I did nothing of the sort.

if you re-read my post (without your defensive hat on) you will see that I merely highlighted the biopsychosocial demands of early motherhood and how this may be impacting your friends ability to see you without the baby.

‘Unless’ and ‘If’ we’re used to remove direct judgement but highlight how demanding behaviour may further impact the situation.

However, the fact that you projected that stance onto me suggests that you do subconsciously fear that you are being demanding. Interesting that you bring your social media habits into this part of the conversation.

You are receiving a lot of feedback, about how your communication style is received by people Op. If you really want to improve your social life, I suggest you stop deflecting blame onto others, do a little self reflection, and work on the parts that are in your control.

Two pages in to this thread and it’s already abundantly clear to me why she’s not prioritising your “friendship”. I feel exhausted just reading your posts and you sound contemptuous of your friend’s current life and choices. It’s not all about you.

Some of my friends pinpoint a date and time and it’s so insistent we all stuck to it- others we mention it and it doesn’t happen, or maybe she just thinks you’re happy to see her and her child together(which makes life much easier!)

You have no idea what life is like being the mother of a 15mo, her other friend does. You’re completely unsympathetic to the challenges this presents, her other friend will absolutely get it.
You’re judging her, her other friend is supporting her.
i can see exactly why the other friend gets her very limited free time!

@RogersOrganismicProcess yea bcs when others are being rude and i say something back then that makes me the bad person. 🤷‍♀️