To distance myself from frined with toddler since she never has time for me without baby?

[Vicosa321]

I understand having a toddler may be a hard work but its not like her kid has 2 set of grandparents that live minutes away or have a father that is involved, her kid is 1 year and 3 months old. I have asked to do some one on one time with her 1 month ago. I said i be waiting for her to have a day that works for her but no more to that. But last night she posts about she having a drink and bowling with her other bestie and partner without baby. Seems like they do this 1 time a month thing. That makes me a bit sad and less priotized as a friend that she rather hang with her other bestie, maybe it makes sense because she also has a toddler same age as my friends and her partner also get along with hers. (Her partner also get along with my partner). Thing is that she be like «been so long! Miss hanging with uuuuu» but no compromise. Like her child is lovley but its her i want to hang out with, it also a whole another dynamic when baby comes along. So im i being unreasonable for keeping my distance? Sadly i kinda feel like im not getting anything out about this friendship right now. Its all about her and her toddler, and most of the snapchat she sends me about its her child. I miss her ofc but i don’t think a friendship is supposed to be one sided, and it makes me feel sad. But may be because we drifting apart.

@AlleyRose oh fgs.. when did i say that im more important than her child? You guys reading to much into it.

I think you’d be better off trying to widen your friendship group op. People are trying to explain to you why your friendship is drifting when her friendship with her other bestie is strengthening but you don’t seem to be able to hear it. If you ever have a child, you will understand.

This is the second time you’ve mentioned someone being or not being “more adult”.
Seems like actually that’s a touchy subject and you’re projecting.

This is a perfect example of where the OP asks if she’s being unreasonable, she gets told she is in fact being unreasonable but then argues that she’s not unreasonable

@JustRollWithIt i understand their child is their most important thing but i can’t love their child. Its not the same as my nephews and nieces. I dont fully agree with always loving your friends kid to love your friend. Some might but not everyone.

When you started this post, and the other one where you cancel if you find out she's bringing her child along.

@Pippinsdiary and your point is to pile up as the rest of the army and bully? 🤨

You’re on here asking for advice? It’s not bullying because people don’t agree with you.

You come across as quite inflexible. Friendships are reciprocal. What do you bring to the party?

@Pippinsdiary you can disagree with people without being all vile

@Vicosa321 your friend has more in common with her other friend as they both have DCs. They make time away from the DCs because they know they need time away from the DCs. This is expensive because as a parent you dont want to be away from your DC.

If I were your friend, I'd rationalise it like this - you dont need a break from DCs cos you dont have a DC, so its ok to bring DC along.

Instead of complaining, talk to her. She may not know hiw you're feeling and may be able to grab a couple of hours with you alone. If she can't though, understand its normal and slightly against you. She's a mum now and her priorities have shifted.

I hope you sort it.

You seem to actively dislike her child. I’m sure she senses this. I wouldn’t want to maintain a friendship with someone who dislikes my child. End of.

If she means a lot to you I would decide how often you are happy to meet with baby. Say once a month.

Then other than thet suggest non child friendly things to do from time to time with and without partners. If she says no don't agree to something child friendly instead, just say no thanks will sort something I'm sure. And do something with your partner or other friends instead.

That way you are setting terms you are happy with and she can decide if she wants to match you or not . If not you may need to look to make some new friendships.

Yes! The friend should be the one distancing herself from you

You don’t need to love her child. You just need to be able to listen as she chats about her child, and make the right noises.

I get it, I had to do that for over three years. And I did it to maintain the friendship. 15 years on I still have that good friendship.

The bottom line is that your friend is at a stage where she is making new friends she has a lot in common with. If you effectively freeze yourself out by not engaging with this part of your life, she will choose them over you. That’s inevitable.

I agree with you here. I don’t really love my friends kids either, some of them I’m fond of and others I’m indifferent too. I think the problem here is that you sound a bit angry about her having a kid, you probably wished she didn’t so that your relationship with her would have stayed the same. This I think is a normal feeling but I wonder if she feels this from you, and feels like you don’t actually like her child. I think the insistence of seeing her without her child and you cancelling if she wants to bring them is sending a very negative message to your friend. As a mother she now probably feels disloyal to her child if she hangs out with you. I think you’d gain something by being more inclusive towards her child for the next couple of years and suggest more daytime things like a walk and lunch. She won’t probably want a night out or a late childfree dinner at the stage she’s at.

Or it may be she is using her expensive, rare child free nights out with the people who are currently being better friends to her. That’s reasonable too.

And there is no way I would ever have put pressure on the time of my friends with young kids by saying I wanted them to spend time just with me. They don’t need an extra demand or ‘to do’ on my time. When I had kids myself, I would not have appreciated anyone doing that to me, and luckily my friends were, well, friends enough not to do this.

What do you want from her at this point, and what can you offer her in return? I know this sounds fairly transactional, but actually if what you want is someone to listen to all your issues or do things you want to do, that's not necessarily going to work right now. She doesn't really have the time atm and may not have the money to just "hang out" on your terms.

OP you asked if you are being unreasonable and are now arguing with everyone who answers you. Why did you post? You've made up your mind that your friend is wrong and you are going to distance yourself so go ahead?

This is a good point. Short of tragedy, your friend is now a mother. That genie is not going back in the bottle. You have a choice. Either you meet her where she is her life now or you let the friendship go. However, you need to let go of your resentment. It’s your inflexibility that’s damaging the relationship.

Try to think of it a different way to understand what’s going on here. You have a close friend. Your shared hobby is running together and sometimes hiking. Your friend has a serious accident which leaves her disabled . Sometimes she needs to bring her husband with her because of mobility issues relating to her injury. You keep insisting on meeting up for a run. When your friend says she can’t run any more but she can meet up for coffee or lunch and her husband might need to come with her, who is being the dick if you keep insisting on it being a run and no husband? Her circumstances have changed. Are you prepared to meet (metaphorically) your friend where she is now in her life or are going to keep insisting on going for a run?

Well not really- that’s just using somebody. There has to be give and take. You can’t just engage when it suits you and say “this is how being friends with me works’.

The friend seems to prioritise her other friendship, for whatever reason. I would stay in contact but try to forge other friendships, hobbies etc. Is there a local running club- they often have nights out too. Good way to make friends.

Even if you did have one on one time she'll only talk about the baby constantly because that is her relatively new life - kids seriously take up so much time and are all encompassing - she probably is currently ruled by routine, weaning, sleep and doesnt have much head space for other stuff....I think you need to accept she's now got another person in the world to teach, nurture, love and guide and they will always take precedence. If you can't accept this then I think you are correct in needing to distance yourself. At that stage of motherhood I would much prefer one on one time with someone who has a baby the same age - purely for common ground, not feeling alone in a massive learning curve etc. In the nicest possible way OP I think YABU and a little bit selfish.

You sound very immature - how old are you? Becoming a parent can change people, and maybe she's just grown out of this particular friendship. If it's not working for you, you should definitely step away/do what feels right for you.

Ignore people saying YABU , OP @Vicosa321

there is no reason why she can’t leave her child with their dad or grandparents to see you. Sounds like she could be very lonely when her child gets older. It’s so important for women to invest in their relationships outside their husband and kids.

Fair enough yes, you don't need to feel 'love' for her child, but I suppose from your friends point of view, she would appreciate friends right now who show a liking and genuine interest to her child and are 'being there' for both of them. That would be a true friendship.