To distance myself from frined with toddler since she never has time for me without baby?

[Vicosa321]

I understand having a toddler may be a hard work but its not like her kid has 2 set of grandparents that live minutes away or have a father that is involved, her kid is 1 year and 3 months old. I have asked to do some one on one time with her 1 month ago. I said i be waiting for her to have a day that works for her but no more to that. But last night she posts about she having a drink and bowling with her other bestie and partner without baby. Seems like they do this 1 time a month thing. That makes me a bit sad and less priotized as a friend that she rather hang with her other bestie, maybe it makes sense because she also has a toddler same age as my friends and her partner also get along with hers. (Her partner also get along with my partner). Thing is that she be like «been so long! Miss hanging with uuuuu» but no compromise. Like her child is lovley but its her i want to hang out with, it also a whole another dynamic when baby comes along. So im i being unreasonable for keeping my distance? Sadly i kinda feel like im not getting anything out about this friendship right now. Its all about her and her toddler, and most of the snapchat she sends me about its her child. I miss her ofc but i don’t think a friendship is supposed to be one sided, and it makes me feel sad. But may be because we drifting apart.

I'm in a similar position OP, my friend (let's call her friend 1) has a nearly 4 year old and I spent lots of time with her and her daughter in the first 18 months, we also spent time with another friend (2). But it was always on friend 1's terms, the days she wanted and to toddler friendly activities like plague parks etc. I even took days off work. She'd tell me and friend 1 and 2 how she'd been on this night out or this girly weekend away with another group of friends, clearly she could always make time and find babysitters for their plans.

I've barely seen her since having my own baby 5 months ago, friend 3 is also expecting and she didn't even make it to her baby shower. She clearly saw us as the back-up friends who were always on hand to help entertain her 'sassy' daughter, but she's showing her true colours now things aren't always on her terms.
Your situation sounds similar and it sucks, but I'd see this as an opportunity to expand your friend group. Some people on here will have great ideas.

Your post is way too logical, and legible, me thinks!

How do you enquire about the child free meet ups? You say that you've asked her for 'one on one time'? If you put it that way, with child present, I'd be insulted!

Why don't you find something like a show or concert, or a nice restaurant that you'd both enjoy and suggest a date in the future and put it to her?

You are jealous of the baby and the other friends and are demanding one to one time with her citing her not being attentive enough and not being a good enough friend to her.

You also dodged the question about whether you had kids. It fairly clear you don't.

You say you value the friendship and yet it's all me, me, me in your posts. You say that she's being rude for not giving you enough attention.

You just sound incredibly controlling, needy and immature. If a man said these things about a woman, they'd be posts about red flags. You are not behaving in a healthy manner.

There is no comprehension that her priorities and responsibilities have changed because she's entered another life period. You have to change and adapt to that - it won't be like before, that doesn't mean she doesn't care, it means it's just different. She has other friends who she has different things on common with and perhaps gets support and encouragement from them which you can't give because you are too wrapped up in judging her for not doing 'adult things'. Newsflash she is doing adult things, that's what women with children do. That and run around with no time to indulge on adults who demand the absence of children. Because time is so precious.

If you don't like that and can't adapt to that change, it's for you to deal with. It's a you problem not a her problem.

You'll either have children of your own in time and realise this or grow older and childless and realise this isn't her being rude and selfish - it's just how life and priorities change when having kids and it's the most normal thing in the world and it's not rude or selfish at all - just two people on different life paths and with different things in their lives now. The common ground has merely lessened.

It's just how things are. None of this necessarily means she loves you less.

There's friends I've drifted apart from over the years for many reasons. A few I love dearly and would love to see again. But honestly I just know that life has moved on and that moment has gone.

Focus on your life and your future. Not trying to control her and her life.

I think it's fine for friends to be honest and say they want to just see them not their child.

I dont disagree that I'd feel put out if someone said that to me, too, but I'd have mulled over it to understand my friends perspective and found a way to make it work if that friendship meant enough to me.

My DC are all late teens now and the friends I'm still in contact with are the ones who accepted that for some time I would come encumbered with babies/toddlers. These phases pass but while you're in the thick of it it's hard as a mum. There are a number of people I no longer see because it was all about evenings out and childfree time. I was always too tired/no childcare or it would have been too expensive.

YAB rather U - if you see your friend do it in a way that works for her for now. In a few years the boot might be on the other foot.

@Gotthemoozles

she doesn’t, but she can’t get pissy if Op chooses to sack her off then, can she

I didn't say it was inhumane. I said she doesn't owe it to you.

Her child? Her baby?
Maybe just not something that makes you sound so resentful....

OP, respectfully, you are coming across as a difficult, touchy, bitter and rather aggressive person on here, so it’s hardly surprising that your friend doesn’t want to waste her babysitters on having some encounter with you where you’re going to be huffy and bad-tempered about her not prioritising you.

I think you’ve failed to understand how friendships work — you have to want to see the other person, and to find their company enjoyable enough to seek it out. It’s not a matter of obligation, or viewing a friendship as some sort of job that needs doing periodically, whether or not you like it.

Ask yourself. If you had limited babysitting, a small child and a job, would you want to spend your limited free time with someone who clearly has a fund of penguin-up aggro about you ‘not prioritising them’?

But she's leaving the kid to go out with other friends. I think that's the point

@Gotthemoozles then i also don’t owe her my free time to spend it with her amd her toddler. Guess goes both ways.

@Vestigially yea its pretty easy for u to say when you are not the one getting a pile of bullies and people insulting you right?

I do not see how you're being bullied. If you feel that individual posts are attacking you personally, you can report them if you feel that they breach the talk guidelines.

@Waitinggame42023 i feel you! They get baby sitter for other plans and people but can’t even be bothered to get dad to watch their child once in a while or even once with you. Ive also have hanged out with her on only her terms, child friendly restaurants, closer to her home so it makes it easier for her, or visiting at her home, and then kinda makes me feel a bit sad that us having some adult time where we can aqtually talk is not a thing but she have had one on one time with others.
So i also get you that it sucks when only one one friends term. Like a breastfeeding kid is or very small baby is understanable. But kid has a second partner who is involved. I also think that some people here may come out as entitled when it only on their terms. And ready to just drop off people who dosen’t stick to their terms til kid is 18 years old.

But no one is ‘bullying’ you, @Vicosa321. All anyone knows about you is what you’ve said here on this thread. In which you appear to think your friend owes you her company, that she’s wronging you, and that friendships are a matter of obligation, and where you seem to be checking no one else is getting more of her than you, and resenting it when they do, like a child checking everyone else’s slice of birthday cake, ready to tantrum. Peoole are pointing this out. No one is going to want to make time to see someone who is aggrieved with them.

Look, I’m not unsympathetic. It’s sad when a friendship drifts if one person wants it to continue, but as I said up the thread, a good friendship can survive times of disengagement and come back stronger when circumstances change. Concentrate on other friendships for now, or make new ones with people who are more available for you. Keep the door open — no melodramatic endings needed.

Most people prefer their kids to everyone else, really. Nature designed it that way.

Could you offer to go round with a pizza after bedtime for a catch up? See how that lands?
If not she may be fading you out.
To be honest I would focus on starting hobbies and having fun and leave her to it

How old are you Op? There's always time to make new friends, if the ones you currently have aren't fulfilling your life anymore.

@chakrakkhan its easier said than done. Im also not a party person anymore that liked to get to know people trough that

@LuckySantangelo35 fr i feel like this is so one sided by people here. Bcs im selfish and don’t understand the life of a motherhod when i just don’t get anything out of it. And if i leave am the bad guy. But if my friend don’t priotzise a one on one time with me just once then she derserves better bcs thats how most people see it.. it be different if she didn’t do one on one time with other people, but she does that my point.

But your real problem is that you are overly reliant on this one friend. That seems to be why you have had such an angry and hurt response. Because you feel threatened by the loss of this vital friendship and the opportunity for a social
life it provides. This is presumably why you are so desperate to force her into what you call ‘adult’ time with you.

And that anger and hurt is making you act is self destructive ways. You cannot force her to be your friend and she does not owe you friendship. The more demands you make, the more you will push her away.

Hard as it is, you need to build a wider social network. Then if one friendship drifts, it will still hurt, but you will be better able to cope with it.

be different if she didn’t do one on one time with other people, but she does that my point

What are you hoping to get out of this OP?

What does it matter if your friend is not treating you the same as other friends? She doesn’t have to. She will nurture or cool friendships depending on how people treat her and how her life changes, the same as everyone does.

At the moment you seem to be in an unhappy state where you do not like this friend much anymore, are angry and bitter about her, yet are still desperate for her to be in your life as you have no other options. She, on the other hand, does have good other friendship choices.

You would better off working on yourself and building a social network, than bitterly trying to coerce your ‘friend’ into giving you what you want.

If you’ve mentioned meeting up once and left it, just ask her one more time, offer up a day or date and see what she says. Being a working parent is busy so unfortunately friendships do sometimes take a back seat.

I completely get where you are coming from. I had twins (14y) and met lots of people through mums group but my very good friend was single and no DC. I would do coffee meet ups with my mums group with children and do a night in the pub with my friend on our own maybe once every couple of months. My rules were no children talk.

I found it all changed when l had my DC a long time ago as l am a DGM now but my friendship groups changed . Mum friends were a huge support network even one 2 one as we discussed our children. To you it may seem boring but motherhood is a massive life change where you love another person more than you can believe humanly possible. I can see this friendship has been a massive part of your life and that for you the way your friend has reorganised her priorities hurts. I do not think you can fix it by ultimatums and maybe trying to find new friends maybe through hobbies or clubs maybe be better for you.