To distance myself from frined with toddler since she never has time for me without baby?

[Vicosa321]

I understand having a toddler may be a hard work but its not like her kid has 2 set of grandparents that live minutes away or have a father that is involved, her kid is 1 year and 3 months old. I have asked to do some one on one time with her 1 month ago. I said i be waiting for her to have a day that works for her but no more to that. But last night she posts about she having a drink and bowling with her other bestie and partner without baby. Seems like they do this 1 time a month thing. That makes me a bit sad and less priotized as a friend that she rather hang with her other bestie, maybe it makes sense because she also has a toddler same age as my friends and her partner also get along with hers. (Her partner also get along with my partner). Thing is that she be like «been so long! Miss hanging with uuuuu» but no compromise. Like her child is lovley but its her i want to hang out with, it also a whole another dynamic when baby comes along. So im i being unreasonable for keeping my distance? Sadly i kinda feel like im not getting anything out about this friendship right now. Its all about her and her toddler, and most of the snapchat she sends me about its her child. I miss her ofc but i don’t think a friendship is supposed to be one sided, and it makes me feel sad. But may be because we drifting apart.

"Adult time" is overrated. You sound hard work and not a very understanding friend. Hope she has made loads of mum pals that will support her.

Well on your other thread moaning about your ‘friend’ you used the term LO 🤷🏼‍♀️

'...her other bestie...'
Therein lies the issue. The very definition of 'best' is that's there is only one. The best.
People who claim to have several besties do not. They have several friends. One may be a favourite, the one they like more, that's the bestie.
So either you aren't her bestie in her view, or you are erroneously defining the OW as a bestie, when she's just a friend of your mate that she happened to choose to meet.

@Pippinsdiary her LO, her kid, her baby
is it bcs LO makes it sound cuter? Idk

Her time without her toddler is absolutely precious. Why on earth would she spend it with someone who makes it all about themselves and judges her? Oh, and she can feel that judgment OP, even if you're not saying it to her face. No wonder she's keeping you at arms length.

Are you 12? Gonna, cuz, lemme, U??

Apart from they really aren’t. Your ego perceives their replies as being ‘rude’ as a self defence mechanism. In reality your own rudeness and contempt is being projected onto them.

Kindly op, you have a choice:
a) To keep reacting the way you are, but keep on getting the same results.
b) To take on board the very many similar responses you are getting, do a little personal reflection and growth, and put yourself in a more amiable position when it comes to friendships.

@ItShouldntHappenToMeYet and rude for? That dosn’t make u more adult to judge

1 month is nothing. She may well have arranged that other meet up even before that, and used her babysitter availability for that. If it had been a year I would understand your angst a little more, but lots of people don't go out all the time leaving small babies behind.

Or she may just feel better connected to a friend who understands where she is in her life at the moment.

@bottlemom how did i make it all about myself when ive been spending all our hangouts with her baby aswell? I did try to ask in a nice way that dosn’t mean i expect her to hang with me every week og many times in a month.

Because you're on here complaining about her. Everything is about how hard done by you are, and although people have tried to explain to you why this might be happening, you're not taking any of it on board and self reflecting.

shes probably picked up the vibe you don’t want her child there and as a parent that’s upsetting. I get your point but as a parent your life changes and your child is your priority. I rarely go anything without my 3yo but luckily I have friends who love her and also enjoy her company. It sounds like you are at different stages of your life and distancing yourself would be best

Advance search is your friend.

OP on your other thread you asked if you were unreasonable to reschedule meet-ups with your friend because they wanted to bring the baby.

You said that you have a right to child free time without children in toe.

And you actually said to the parent of two severely disabled children who said that she never gets adult only time because of their care needs but that luckily for her she has understanding friends “good for you.”

You’re a disgrace.

I suspect your friend didn’t realise until after she had children how unpleasant and entitled you are. But now her priorities have changed she sees you in a different light.

You’re lucky she’s actually still talking to you and hasn’t just ghosted you. Most people. Would.

@bottlemom some people in here have said it in more nicer way without insluting and having a whole army against 1 person.

OP I have young kids, and grandparents available for childcare, and a husband who pulls his weight. But I absolutely wouldn't use my child free time on someone with your attitude.
I think your friend has realised she doesn't have much in common with you anymore. She doesn't owe you her time or her emotional energy or headspace. Just let it go and let her prioritise the people she wants to prioritise!

I think you need to let this friedship go

She clear is "just not that into you" and you don't mean that much to her. You can't demand anyone has a relationships with you.
.

@Never2many this person u litteraly tagging was also being nasty without even saying it a better way. Now u dragging it. And u know nothing about my life. And it dosn’t make u a better and more adult person by calling others out. Its easy to bully people like you are doing

OP, your friendship is faltering because of the limitations you have placed on it. You say yourself you don’t like seeing her with the toddler or hearing her talk about her child. She says she misses you so it sounds like you have cut her out till she meets your expectation of ‘one to one’ time with you
She is, not surprisingly, having nights out with her friends who DO like hanging out with her and her kid and are interested in talking about her kid. Those people are behaving in ways that make her feel closer to them and that is strengthening their relationship. You are behaving in ways that are weakening it.

I had a friend who became really boring after having her kid. She was a VERY invested mother. Her daughter was her whole life and all she talked about. I endured conversations exclusively about her daughter and parenting for three years until she came around and started to have other conversations. I hung in there because she was my friend, motherhood was important to her, and I knew that eventually she would come through and become a bit more rounded again.

If you want to be her friend, you have to be a friend and engage with this phase of her life. If you exclude yourself from her life because you are not prepared to embrace the fact that Motherhood is now a key part of who she is snd her life, then expect to lose her to her friends who do embrace this.

@Gotthemoozles how do you know?
By her saying she misses me and want to hang out soon🤣 it def be different if she went blank but she hasn’t. Also not cool to bully me and think u know more about me by this thread

@Vicosa321 what are you on about? No one is getting an "army" against you. Most people are trying to explain why it might be difficult for your friend, but you're just not listening. Now it turns out in other threads you've been cancelling when she arranges seeing you with her child, so I guess it's best you find friends who are at a similar life stage to you instead.

You sound kind of jealous of her baby. Or as if you dislike the fact she now has a child she enjoys spending time with.

when my kids were little I didn’t really enjoy spending time without them. I had my kids young and many of my friendships with people who didn’t have kids just came to a natural end. The ones that didn’t were the ones who didn’t mind spending time with my child or who has kids themselves.

maybe she’s spending more time with other friends as for now they have more in common and understand what each other are going through. Tiny kids consume you really. She will have more capacity for one on one time with friends as the kid gets older, but you may need to accept your are not her top priority.

@bottlemom oh yes, u are not seeing it because you been joining it to, i won’t listen to people who insult rather than saying it in a nicer way u know? Calling people lot of stuff that some are in here is actually bulliying and not Ok. Some here are very passive agressive with their answer instead of saying it in better ways without insulting

Fgs, OP, read the room!

Your friend's baby means far more to her than you do - which is exactly as it should be.

If you can't handle that, get a new friend and leave her alone instead of moaning about her behind her back.

1 month is nothing. She may well have arranged that other meet up even before that, and used her babysitter availability for that. If it had been a year I would understand your angst a little more, but lots of people don't go out all the time leaving small babies behind.

Or she may just feel better connected to a friend who understands where she is in her life at the moment.

Her life has changed in the biggest possible way. Her child is part of her now, is her priority, and always will be. They come as a package. Being a mum is unbelievably hard at times. People who are good friends are there when they need each other. At this stage I'm sure she would really appreciate time with supportive friends. If you feel you would like to remain good friends then the best thing you could possibly do as a caring friend would be things together with her and toddler. Go to the park, go for a walk, have fun with her and toddler. This is the type of friendships that she will really appreciate at this time in her life. If you love your friend you should love her toddler just as much. This would be true friendship. If you can do this then through time (in years to come) there will be more opportunity to do things just as adults again. Right now she needs friends who can support her for who she now is, and that is mum.