To distance myself from frined with toddler since she never has time for me without baby?

[Vicosa321]

I understand having a toddler may be a hard work but its not like her kid has 2 set of grandparents that live minutes away or have a father that is involved, her kid is 1 year and 3 months old. I have asked to do some one on one time with her 1 month ago. I said i be waiting for her to have a day that works for her but no more to that. But last night she posts about she having a drink and bowling with her other bestie and partner without baby. Seems like they do this 1 time a month thing. That makes me a bit sad and less priotized as a friend that she rather hang with her other bestie, maybe it makes sense because she also has a toddler same age as my friends and her partner also get along with hers. (Her partner also get along with my partner). Thing is that she be like «been so long! Miss hanging with uuuuu» but no compromise. Like her child is lovley but its her i want to hang out with, it also a whole another dynamic when baby comes along. So im i being unreasonable for keeping my distance? Sadly i kinda feel like im not getting anything out about this friendship right now. Its all about her and her toddler, and most of the snapchat she sends me about its her child. I miss her ofc but i don’t think a friendship is supposed to be one sided, and it makes me feel sad. But may be because we drifting apart.

Please don’t ignore everyone 😂

YABU- parents don’t always want to leave their kids often and at that age nights were a no for me due to lack of sleep, once they are asleep I wanted to be!

the amount of organisation that went in to their monthly night might be more then you’ve considered and her partner might only agree it coz he’s with the other friend. All you don’t trust everyone to leave your kid with them, even if they are technically options.

id just ask her an say I saw your night out- looked amazing. How was it leaving baby? Is that something we could do? Give a date.

you should give a bit of grace to a friend you’ve had for a long time- whose whole world has been turned upside down and she’s trying to create a new one, whilst learn on the job and probably not sleeping! The last thing you need is a grown adult essentially being jealous of the baby getting the mother’s attention.

in the next year she’ll have more freedom. Esp if bf. So if it’s worth it just lower your expectations for meeting an get to know your friend’s child. I love my friend’s children- they are mini versions of my mate. What’s not to love? And they are the most important thing in their lives so therefore important to me. Don’t make her choose coz you’ll never win against mother’s love.

@Pippinsdiary

not everyone is saying the same thing…

No, it sounds like the friend does have other friends, and is happy to spend time with them. It's specifically the OP she's not making time for...I wonder why.

If you want to distance yourself then that's completely your choice. She might not see you as a priority right now. She might have friends she had more in common with. She might only have one night out a month without her child. It's entirely your choice whether you wait or just move on and neither way is unreasonable.

I think the problem is that you are at different life stages. She has a child now who is her priority. You are demanding more of her than she’s able to give. You need to give her space and let her come to you if the friendship is to survive.

I lost my best friend after having children. She was the best person and so so funny but she just didn’t get that my life had changed. She became needy at a time where all my energy was needed elsewhere. She was totally uninterested in my baby. It became far more pleasant being with other people - with and without children - who weren’t so demanding and so obviously uninterested in me/what I was doing. It came to a head when my child was very ill and she rang me and spent over an hour talking about whether she should get back with her ex. It faded from there and we don’t speak now. I’m sure she thinks I became selfish and baby-obsessed but that’s kind of a biological imperative. I didn’t want to go out and drink or do much adult stuff, for many years actually. Now I go out loads! It’s a phase.

take the previous excellent advice and back off. Find other friends and get on with your own life. Keep in touch with baby friend. Ask about her kids and provide support along the way if you can. If the friendship is strong, it will survive. If you push it though, it definitely won’t.

I suspect she has prioritised time out with the mum friend because they are providing each other with support during that time, and are talking about their kids etc. If you aren't providing your friend with support as a parent, and are actively sending them the message that you are not interested in their child by saying you only want to meet up without the child there, I can see why you've been benched. It's all-consuming, she may well have little else she wants or needs to talk about, and if you don't want to she'll hang out with someone who does. You're being selfish and not seeing things from her perspective. She is not the same person she was before kids in terms of her priorities and interests. If you want to keep her as a friend, you will need to embrace her in her matresence. She'll otherwise just associate you with being unsupportive. \that may seem unfair to you because you've stayed the same and she's changed, but its the reality.

I have kids and if she has free time then she is choosing to do other things.
You are clearly not ok the top priority list .

Ideally I’d speak to her about it but if you feel you can’t then no I’d move on.

Having a kid doesn't excuse someone for poor behaviour . Sounds like she is giving you words and keeping you there for her ego.

@Imbusytodaysorry i would but i can’t be bothered to ask her again. Thats why i told her 1 month ago to just hit me up if she got time. I sure hope thats not the case😅 but i can’t wait forever til she wants to make time for me.

OP you're right, posters on here are piling on to offer their baseless horrible opinions about you.

My point of view? Your friend isn't prioritising you because her lifestyle, circumstances and priorities have changed with having a child. It won't be anything personal about you, it's just the flow of life. She has less time to devote to others and will be far more tired, as well as her interests having shifted too. Even if you swear you'll never be the mum who changes after having a baby, you will be. Everyone is.
You say you proposed one on one time and a month later she hasn't arranged it. A month is nothing...honestly.

Your friendship is different now. It's not a slight on you but a reflection of where she is.
Hang on to her while nurturing other friendships.

So your solution is not to listen to the whole range or responses, but ignore the vast majority who disagree with her (and you)? 🤔

What is her husband/partner like @Vicosa321 ? Do you think there is a possibility he refuses to look after the baby?

He was maybe happy to go out with his friends, but may not like her going out with her own friends.

I didn’t mean just ask her to spend time . I mean have a conversation about how you feel .

3 months is very young. If you care about friendship accept what she can manage.

One night bowling with her dh and other friends is not prioritising everyone over you it is one night. And likely the dh encouraged it.

I would be pretty annoyed if a good friend refused to see me with baby so maybe that is why she hasn't prioritised you for child free time.

@Velvian he has watched the baby by himself aswell while my friend does other stuff. So he does spend lots of time with her

But she does leave her child with their dad or grandparents in order to invest in the relationships that she wants to invest in. OP has the hump because she's not one of those relationships.
The friend is allowed to choose which friendships she prioritises; she doesn't owe the OP her time 🤷🏽‍♀️

@Ellie1015 baby is not 3 months old lol but 1 year ald 3 months or easier said 15 months

yes OP don't give up- a month feels like a long time to you but it will feel like a short time to her because she is so busy. It isn't personal.

For example you could have a whole month that goes like this... it's fictional but the below example is a lot what months would be like with my toddler.

Week 1 - husband has a work thing and has to do 2 evenings late or a night away, mum needs to do bedtimes as well as her work and nights, has 3 days gritting teeth and another 3 days trying to get to bed at 8pm and manage on little sleep. No time to even text friends because you feel so boring and tired you can't think of what to say.

Week 2 - oh! It's that night that we booked the bowling with our other friends, we booked it 6 weeks ago. Crap, the baby needs me to shush and pat for about an hour every night at the moment. Will baby settle? Oh well fingers crossed, we go out anyway. Home about 11.30pm. Baby hasn't slept. Baby screams til 4am. Up for work at 6. Depressed the rest of the week as it's clear trying to make any lifestyle change that includes mum getting free time is bloody impossible. Don't text friend, it's too embarrassing to say that you literally can't go out ever, better to wait til we have some time.

Week 3 - baby seems weirdly unsettled at the weekend I wonder why? By Monday it's clear, she has another streaming cold. She doesn't sleep for 2 nights and cries all day. Mum can't even put a load of washing on or cook a meal. This sucks. By the end of the week mum is feeling pretty unwell too. At weekend dad takes angry snotty toddler, mum tries to sleep in the day. Toddler screams keep her awake anyway so that doesn't really work.

Week 4 - some admin to do! Still got a cold because they don't go away quickly when you are sleep deprived. Repaying the car insurance seems to take a whole evening as mum is knackered. In any given day there is about a 30 min window to make calls and text. This week, grandma needs some help sorting something out, so mum uses her small window of time and brain space to do that. Suddenly it's Friday. Oh no, I haven't rung my lovely friend for ages! I'm sure she will understand.

@Gotthemoozles what an odd thing to say.. if i had spend time with her and her child. Then its not inhumane to ask for one time to just have adult time once.

In that case YANBU to pull back from the friendship.

I don't think you're being bullied - and I don't even have children. I do however have a friend with young children. I accepted that the friendship has had to adapt and she remains the friend I've known and loved for years. I value her children as part of her. I have another friend whose child is a teen now. I love my friend and also accepted the need for our friendship to adapt while her child was young. It's up to the childfree person to adapt and expect that the mother's life has changed if you value the person and the friendship. You evolve with it.

I have childfree friends too. To be honest if I were your friend with a young child I don't think spending time with you would be a priority.

"Inhumane"?? 😂

Why is it odd to say that she's not prioritising your friendship - it's the exact thing you've come here to complain about.

For whatever reason, maybe she's a terrible friend, maybe you're hard work, there are so many possibilities, she's not putting the effort into the friendship that you want her to. So, no, YANBU to pull back if you're not getting what you want.

OP no one is bullying you, and you are being very defensive.

But what I'll say as a mum of a very similar age toddler is that I will read a message, then get distracted by something toddler wants/needs, or work, or household/husband needs and if I've had messages from multiple people and a message has moved further down the list I can completely forget about it. Doesn't matter who it's from, my bestie doesn't use WhatsApp like most people so I'll totally forget she's messaged after the notification has disappeared because I never open the other app.
If the friendship means that much to you give her a call, you won't understand because you're not a parent, but you plan to do x,y,z today and life has other ideas, it may not be personal, and it is easier to make and cancel plans with others in the same position as they understand what it's like if baby is ill, or you're late because they've just thrown up down everything etc

Having a toddler is very full on, especially if she also works full time too. It could be she’s just in that difficult stage of life where she’s struggling to manage work, being a mother aswell as friendships.

I can understand where you are coming from though if you are seeing that she can make time for one on one time with her other friend but not for you. I can see why that would hurt.

Personally I would not bother messaging her again, if she wants to see you then she can make the arrangements. Pull back from this friendship and find other friends because it’s causing you pain.

"To be honest if I were your friend with a young child I don't think spending time with you would be a priority."

This sounds blunt but it's true. Once you are on the hamster wheel of parenthood, free time is scarce. You find yourself investing more in those whose circumstances match your own as you are nurturing family friendships with people who have a toddler in tow too. They are happy to do and talk kiddy stuff as that becomes the focus of your life.
You still care about and want to see your pre-kid friends but less often as your social needs change and your free time diminishes.