Dd(11) unplanned sleepover guest

[tentimesover]

Dd (11) had a couple of school friends over for a sleepover last night. One of my friends had an emergency come up and asked if I could look after her daughter(12) and I agreed. Her and dd are good friends but Dd’s school friends haven’t met this girl before.

All absolutely fine, the girls all got on well and went out together today. One school friends parents are annoyed there was an uninvited guest and say it wasn’t what they agreed to when they let their dd stay.

It was late and I honestly didn’t even consider it could be a problem or to messages other parents. They are all the same age and I know this friends daughter well and she is lovely as are dds school friends.

Was I unreasonable to let her stay without asking other parents first?
If it was the other way around I honestly wouldn’t have been at all bothered and if anything thought it was nice.

So just for me - my daughter has pretty overwhelming anxiety but she cannot talk about it with anyone else. She had it worse when she was younger but still has selective mutism and is terrible at articulating issues to anyone besides me and her father. So she might be terribly distressed but she’d never say a word to anyone.

This obviously is only my problem and my issue to sort and is a major reason I got her a phone earlier than planned, but this exact scenario was really difficult for my daughter and has had long lasting implications - very aware this isn’t the norm and isn’t something to anticipate so would 100% never point fingers at anyone.

If I was the poster here I’d just say that I’m sorry if her daughter was upset and if anything happens in future I’d make sure to let her know so she could decide if she wanted to go home. Of course the family in emergency is the priority here but she’s also taken responsibility for the other child too.

I completely understand the parents tbh. In my work, I come across many sex-offenders, with so many different sexual offences. So, because of what I’ve seen, I will never ever let my daughter stay out, unless I know who is in the home. Even then, I very much doubt that my daughter will be going to many sleepovers.

Just wondering if the parents who complained about the sleepover had any potential prejudices?

I know of parents that only let children who are Christian (fish sticker on their car, pin badge always worn and keen on conversion) and attend their church stay over, which excludes my daughter who we have raised as a humanist despite a good friendship, so could there be a religious element there?

I know plenty of parents that judge by a child’s postcode, (very obvious when we sent our own daughter to a school outside our area - we were told that because the school didn’t have a catchment there might be poor / bad children there) etc…. Which is obviously crazy… money doesn’t make you a good person, but there is definitely a prejudice!

OP I think that helping a friend in need is perfectly acceptable, it doesn’t seem that there were really any issues…

Which is why I ask the question?

Is their daughter on the periphery of the friendship group? Were they concerned she was getting (more) left out because someone else was there?

How odd. Has the mum replied?

YANBU. Very odd response from the parents.

You come across many 12 year old girl sex offenders in your work?

Completely understand issues with unknown adults but pre-teen girls...

YANBU! How silly of the parents- this wouldn't bother me at all. It would be different if you let a 16 year old boy join in but another girl their age is a non issue

For goodness saket therce was an emergency and you responded to it in what you saw as being an appropriate way. (the right way) End of the matter. It's called life it's wnhat happens whilst you are busy making plans. You dealt with it...they need to.

in terms of probabilities, do you really think an additional 12 year old girl in a group of girls is a threat?

I can understand if an unknown male adult was in the house - or even a teen boy. But an additional pre-teen girl. The chances of that resulting in a threat must be vanishingly small.

I assume your child will never be allowed in school trips etc. which is absolutely fine. But are you sure you haven’t gone to extremes here if you see a 12 year girl as a significant enough threat?

The parents who complained didn't understand the word "emergency" selfish nasty people.

But why wouldn't you say to the other parents beforehand that your daughter finds unexpected changes hard so if there are any big changes could you offer the chance to phone home.

Of course. Everyone she spends time with knows that. What’s hard to articulate is what constitutes a ‘big change’ in my daughter’s head - because sometimes I can’t guess what will trigger her. I really wish life was easier for her and we are working hard on it, but sometimes things are just… hard.

But none of this is actually about me, I was just saying what I might have thought in a similar situation and why the other mum ‘might’ have had a bad day for a totally unexpected reason. It also might be true the other mum is racist / rude / annoying / whatever.

I'm left wondering if the extra guest is perhaps a crack dealer 🤔. Only then would the parents response be reasonable... ffs.

I did get another message saying they will unfortunately be hesitant to allow their dd back as I don’t understand the problem.

No mention of their dd being upset, I did ask, just that it wasn't what she was expecting.

The obvious reply here would be 'I would now unfortunately be hesitant to host your dd again given that you are batshit crazy and incredibly rude.'

Do you think only males can be sex offenders? I gave my view. The end.

I’ve came across every type of person you could imagine.

No of course I don’t. But I think it’s highly unlikely, but yes not impossible, that a 12 year old girl will be a sex offender and will commit a crime against another girl at a crowded sleep over.

If pre-teen female sex offending was a serious concern for the mother then surely she wouldn’t have allowed her daughter to attend at all. Some parents do say a flat no to any sleepovers for this reason. And that’s fine.

I think the mum will have to be clear why she is soupset. Why did this additional child cause her such an emotional reaction.

Ok.

I would reply

‘I am sorry you feel that way. It will be a shame for the girls. But obviously it’s your call. If there are any specifics about the sleepover that you want to discuss then I am happy to do so - the girls didn’t tell me there were any upsets and they all seemed to have had fun.’

just a thumbs up will do. You have been reasonable throughout.

YANBU. The other parents are just weird.

Where did the girls go when they went out?
Are they all in the same year group?