Page 6 | Dd(11) unplanned sleepover guest

tentimesover · 2025-03-08T17:58:40+00:00

Dd (11) had a couple of school friends over for a sleepover last night. One of my friends had an emergency come up and asked if I could look after her daughter(12) and I agreed. Her and dd are good friends but Dd’s school friends haven’t met this girl before. All absolutely fine, the girls all got on well and went out together today. One school friends parents are annoyed there was an uninvited guest and say it wasn’t what they agreed to when they let their dd stay. It was late and I honestly didn’t even consider it could be a problem or to messages other parents. They are all the same age and I know this friends daughter well and she is lovely as are dds school friends. Was I unreasonable to let her stay without asking other parents first? If it was the other way around I honestly wouldn’t have been at all bothered and if anything thought it was nice.

Modernskylines · 09/03/2025 07:08

itsgettingweird · 09/03/2025 06:29

The only response really to this is

"I'm sorry you and/or DD were upset by the addition of X as an emergency. I perfectly understand why she won't want to be included in further sleepovers in case something pops up again. Thankyou for the heads up"

Just why.

Seriously and another poster suggesting the op tell them to fuck off…

Kissedbyfire1 · 09/03/2025 07:08

IMHO this has come from their DD. I reckon it’s as simple as she didn’t like the surprise guest or maybe just didn’t like that there was someone there she didn’t know and has told her parents it spoiled the evening. It’s a tempest in a teacup but I wouldn’t have her stay again.

Modernskylines · 09/03/2025 07:10

I would have said

“Sorry you feel like that, but I do think they’re may be more to discuss. Are you aware of anything happening during the sleepover that upset your daughter? “

Modernskylines · 09/03/2025 07:10

Kissedbyfire1 · 09/03/2025 07:08

IMHO this has come from their DD. I reckon it’s as simple as she didn’t like the surprise guest or maybe just didn’t like that there was someone there she didn’t know and has told her parents it spoiled the evening. It’s a tempest in a teacup but I wouldn’t have her stay again.

This is an 11 year old child
Presumably a very close friend of the OP’s daughter

itsgettingweird · 09/03/2025 07:20

Why modern?

Because a friend of the families DD stayed over due to an emergency and the other mum obviously doesn't want the OP to make those decisions.

So if she isn't happy with OPs house rules then she doesn't have to send her DD to OPs house.

I've refused to allow DS to stay with people before because I don't trust their judgement. My job as the parent is to protect my own child. Not judge others for making different decisions🤷‍♀️

Modernskylines · 09/03/2025 07:25

itsgettingweird · 09/03/2025 07:20

Why modern?

Because a friend of the families DD stayed over due to an emergency and the other mum obviously doesn't want the OP to make those decisions.

So if she isn't happy with OPs house rules then she doesn't have to send her DD to OPs house.

I've refused to allow DS to stay with people before because I don't trust their judgement. My job as the parent is to protect my own child. Not judge others for making different decisions🤷‍♀️

But your response is no enquiry, no curiosity, no thought to the relationship between YOUR DD and her close friends

Just immediate assumption that these parents are utterly unreasonable

I would suggest we have more of a chat because there is likely more to this

PurpleThistle7 · 09/03/2025 07:40

I have a 12 year old and I would definitely want to know if this had happened - not in a judgemental way and not at all to give permission as it's your house and of course you did the right thing - but my daughter is on the spectrum and can be quite anxious about change. She masks like a champ so you'd likely have no idea she was struggling so I'd just want to give her a chance to head home if that was right for her.

We jaded a similar thing happen when she was at a sleepover and she's not had a sleepover since as she's too worried about what might happen. Of course I'm not upset with her friend's parent and of course my daughter should be more resilient, but just an ask to remember that you might not know what's going on with this girl so the impact might have been different to what you'd expect.

Modernskylines · 09/03/2025 07:40

PurpleThistle7 · 09/03/2025 07:40

I have a 12 year old and I would definitely want to know if this had happened - not in a judgemental way and not at all to give permission as it's your house and of course you did the right thing - but my daughter is on the spectrum and can be quite anxious about change. She masks like a champ so you'd likely have no idea she was struggling so I'd just want to give her a chance to head home if that was right for her.

We jaded a similar thing happen when she was at a sleepover and she's not had a sleepover since as she's too worried about what might happen. Of course I'm not upset with her friend's parent and of course my daughter should be more resilient, but just an ask to remember that you might not know what's going on with this girl so the impact might have been different to what you'd expect.

Very reasonable

unfortunately some posters would tell you to fuck off

CarrieOnComplaining · 09/03/2025 08:29

Well, you now know which parent not to help out should they have an emergency and need childcare…..

CarrieOnComplaining · 09/03/2025 08:31

PurpleThistle7 · 09/03/2025 07:40

I have a 12 year old and I would definitely want to know if this had happened - not in a judgemental way and not at all to give permission as it's your house and of course you did the right thing - but my daughter is on the spectrum and can be quite anxious about change. She masks like a champ so you'd likely have no idea she was struggling so I'd just want to give her a chance to head home if that was right for her.

We jaded a similar thing happen when she was at a sleepover and she's not had a sleepover since as she's too worried about what might happen. Of course I'm not upset with her friend's parent and of course my daughter should be more resilient, but just an ask to remember that you might not know what's going on with this girl so the impact might have been different to what you'd expect.

In which case the Mum should be open and explanatory about her DD’s needs.

Not complain to the host Mum who doesn’t know about her needs for meeting the reasonable needs of another parent and child.

Qwee · 09/03/2025 08:35

PurpleThistle7 · 09/03/2025 07:40

I have a 12 year old and I would definitely want to know if this had happened - not in a judgemental way and not at all to give permission as it's your house and of course you did the right thing - but my daughter is on the spectrum and can be quite anxious about change. She masks like a champ so you'd likely have no idea she was struggling so I'd just want to give her a chance to head home if that was right for her.

We jaded a similar thing happen when she was at a sleepover and she's not had a sleepover since as she's too worried about what might happen. Of course I'm not upset with her friend's parent and of course my daughter should be more resilient, but just an ask to remember that you might not know what's going on with this girl so the impact might have been different to what you'd expect.

In this case then it would be reasonable to give the parebts the heads up that any change in plans might be an issue.

But in the circumstances described, an emergency, contacting the friends parents of an additional child, would certainly not be my first thought.

I can certainly understand why parents like myself didn't do sleepovers while young.
Fortunately my children had zero interest and it only came up in secondary school for nights out.

FrogsLoveRain · 09/03/2025 08:36

Has there been a response to your most recent message?

WhenYouSayNothingAtAll · 09/03/2025 08:38

YANBU. If there was an issue at the sleepover, she should just say that . If there was no issue and she's protesting on "principle" , especially when there were no clear plans made, then she's a bit of a twat.

YipYapYop · 09/03/2025 09:04

CarrieOnComplaining · 09/03/2025 08:31

In which case the Mum should be open and explanatory about her DD’s needs.

Not complain to the host Mum who doesn’t know about her needs for meeting the reasonable needs of another parent and child.

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I don't think so. If the original situation was something the DD would be fine with, there wouldn't be any need to explain anything.

PurpleThistle7 · 09/03/2025 09:04

To be clear I’d never say anything to the other mum - and didn’t - but just trying to say she might be dealing with things you have no idea about.

And yes - I have been honest with her friends’ parents but this scenario hadn’t occurred to me so I didn’t mention it specifically. It’s our problem, not theirs but just trying to give one example of why the other mum might have been less than kind.

dippy567 · 09/03/2025 09:31

What difference would it have made to the parents of friend getting a message after their DD is at the sleep over to say another child of same age and sex is going to be there...? Think child might come up against bigger hardships in.life so might need to improve resilience.

I've not let my children go to sleepovers where I'm not happy with the set up (worried about v lax rules, amount of supervision etc)...but with parents I trust as far as I can they're effectively in loco parents so their decisions go...

Worth having 'code word' so children can let parents know they're not comfortable and want to go home if issues do arise. At 12 she probably has her own phone so could easily message....

Printedword · 09/03/2025 11:01

YipYapYop · 09/03/2025 06:47

No, this isn't weird at all! "Can I go for a sleepover?", 'who will be there?"

I think a lot of if not most parents would ask this question before saying yes or no.

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Not a scenario I recognise. DC might ask and any decision not to go based on who is going is theirs not the parent

YipYapYop · 09/03/2025 11:15

Printedword · 09/03/2025 11:01

Not a scenario I recognise. DC might ask and any decision not to go based on who is going is theirs not the parent

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So you'd let your 11 year old stay wherever they like with whomever they like and not even ask them? I don't really believe this tbh

Modernskylines · 09/03/2025 11:51

Printedword · 09/03/2025 11:01

Not a scenario I recognise. DC might ask and any decision not to go based on who is going is theirs not the parent

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How old is your child @Printedword ?

Printedword · 09/03/2025 13:32

Modernskylines · 09/03/2025 11:51

How old is your child @Printedword ?

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19 and growing up sleepovers were about whether child wanted to go and what equipment/clothes etc. they needed to bring.

Printedword · 09/03/2025 13:36

YipYapYop · 09/03/2025 11:15

So you'd let your 11 year old stay wherever they like with whomever they like and not even ask them? I don't really believe this tbh

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Erm, it doesn't say that. Generally, at primary school you know the parents anyway. Older kids you meet them at some point if they are close enough friends for sleepovers and visits

Modernskylines · 09/03/2025 14:48

@Printedword not all children are the same and we parent accordingly. If a child has acute anxiety for example? Perhaps parents do become more involved

Printedword · 09/03/2025 16:30

Modernskylines · 09/03/2025 14:48

@Printedword not all children are the same and we parent accordingly. If a child has acute anxiety for example? Perhaps parents do become more involved

But just explained how it's child led - led by their anxiety

Modernskylines · 09/03/2025 16:31

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Printedword · 09/03/2025 16:46

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Hmm, ok. I would say my child was very anxious but he was able to articulate it beyond about 6/7 age