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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Dd(11) unplanned sleepover guest

201 replies

tentimesover · 08/03/2025 17:58

Dd (11) had a couple of school friends over for a sleepover last night. One of my friends had an emergency come up and asked if I could look after her daughter(12) and I agreed. Her and dd are good friends but Dd’s school friends haven’t met this girl before.

All absolutely fine, the girls all got on well and went out together today. One school friends parents are annoyed there was an uninvited guest and say it wasn’t what they agreed to when they let their dd stay.

It was late and I honestly didn’t even consider it could be a problem or to messages other parents. They are all the same age and I know this friends daughter well and she is lovely as are dds school friends.

Was I unreasonable to let her stay without asking other parents first?
If it was the other way around I honestly wouldn’t have been at all bothered and if anything thought it was nice.

OP posts:
Qwee · 08/03/2025 19:53

What absolute CF's.
I would not have that child stay again.
Who you have staying in your home is none of their business.
The absolute cheek of them.
I would have zero tolerance for such rudeness and would deal with it very firmly.
Batshit CF behaviour in my view.

Original poster
tentimesover · 08/03/2025 19:57

I probably would have done the same if it was an adult or a teenage boy needing to stay tbh as long as I knew them well.
But they would have been kept completely separate from dd and her friends.
As she was a 12 year girl and friends with dd, she went in and stayed in dds room with other friends.

OP posts:
MissMoan · 08/03/2025 19:59

I am not sure what planet that parent is on, but you are definitely NOT BU.

Gundogday · 08/03/2025 20:06

It was an emergency! Unless there’s a backstory, can’t see it being a problem.

Maybe different if the extra friend was male, but they were all female!

MuggleMe · 08/03/2025 20:10

LovelyLeitrim · 08/03/2025 19:24

I can’t see it at all, another 12 year old girl in an emergency, what does she need to know?

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Well I'm coming from it with the perspective of a sensitive SEN daughter who likes to know exactly what to expect and can get totally thrown by a change of plan even if it turns out positive. An extra child will change the vibe. I'd hope for a heads up message and confirmation that my DD was still fine. But I get that it's different with SEN.

Itwasacceptableinthe80zz · 08/03/2025 20:10

They are being v unreasonable.

However I’ve learnt through Mumsnet that there are people who would be mortally wounded if a friend allowed someone from elsewhere in their friendship group to tag along for a drink or if they needed to bring their toddler to a catch up as their husband had an unexpected work meeting. These people get cheerleaded by other (very odd!) posters who tell them to end the friendship, tell her her boundaries are being disrespected etc, tell her to stop being a People Pleaser. So I can imagine this selfsame kind of person also having children and having similarly weird views about a sleep over.

LovelyLeitrim · 08/03/2025 20:11

MuggleMe · 08/03/2025 20:10

Well I'm coming from it with the perspective of a sensitive SEN daughter who likes to know exactly what to expect and can get totally thrown by a change of plan even if it turns out positive. An extra child will change the vibe. I'd hope for a heads up message and confirmation that my DD was still fine. But I get that it's different with SEN.

Show quote history

None of which was relevant to the OPs situation. She’s confirmed all were fine, happy and got on well.

whatsthatBout · 08/03/2025 20:12

I’m assuming they are quite uptight/strict parents who want to know exactly who their daughter spends time with and also only want her having friendships and being around people they approve of. Are they at secondary age?

MNHQ
ClaraMumsnet · 08/03/2025 20:13

WilmaTitsDrop · 08/03/2025 18:56

My post was deleted for basically saying this!

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That was done in error, apologies!

MuggleMe · 08/03/2025 20:26

LovelyLeitrim · 08/03/2025 20:11

None of which was relevant to the OPs situation. She’s confirmed all were fine, happy and got on well.

Show quote history

Or the mum has a history of SA or other anxieties that mean she likes to know as much as possible when she lets her child stay over at others houses. Who knows. Just trying to balance the she's crazy for not being 100% chill posts.

LilacPeer · 08/03/2025 20:26

YANBU at all. it wouldn’t have crossed my mind to tell the other parents there was an extra child coming. Perhaps if she expressly said “my child must be the only guest” it might be different?

MumonabikeE5 · 08/03/2025 20:27

If the unexpected guest was the opposite sex then yes yabu, but if not I think it might not have been what was planned but it wasn’t a huge faux pas to change plan without discussing it.

and it doesn’t sound like there was triangular friction, so what was the concern?

Nazzywish · 08/03/2025 20:28

I don't think you done anything wrong in letting 12yo stay but I think your reply to parents could've been abit better.
Did u find out if anything was said or discussed by the older girl that maybe younger ones wouldn't normally talk about or did the uneven numbering cause 1 of the girls to feel left out if everyone else paired up etc. These things should be taken into consideration before just making them out to be unreasonable as their dd genuinely mightve been abit shy of new girl or just basically how it changes dynamics in a group if someone they don't know is there.
I'm super strict about sleepovers but I like to know who else will be there for safety sake .if I've entrusted my dc to you and its the first time they're doing a sleepover I don't blame them for wanting to know exactly who else was there but maybe more understanding needed from them because it was an emergency and not pre planned. Can see this both ways.

TodaysTheShay · 08/03/2025 20:34

How well do you know the family that have complained? Is it possible that the daughter is a foster child? I only ask as one of my Dd's friends is and she is allowed to stay at mine but I have to let the foster carer know who will be in the house before each overnight stay is agreed.

melonalone · 08/03/2025 20:38

saraclara · 08/03/2025 18:52

But you know when you go to a hen party, that there'll be people there that you don't know. And you decide whether to go, based on that.

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Ah c’mon I’m sure you’ve been to a friend’s house as a child or adult and you didn’t like their sister/neighbour/friend. These things happen. The parents were rude to quiz the OP over it

OneShoeShort · 08/03/2025 20:39

MuggleMe · 08/03/2025 20:26

Or the mum has a history of SA or other anxieties that mean she likes to know as much as possible when she lets her child stay over at others houses. Who knows. Just trying to balance the she's crazy for not being 100% chill posts.

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Except the parents had never had an "exactly who will be there" discussion with OP.

If these parents had called before approving the sleepover and said "Hi OP, our little Poppy said your Elspeth has invited her to spend the night on Friday. We're admittedly rather cautious about sleepovers - could you tell us which children will be there and about the plans and supervision?" then sure, OP should have realized that a heads up about the change in those plans would be a good idea. But it doesn't sound like anything of the sort happened, they just confirmed OP was expecting their DD.

saraclara · 08/03/2025 20:52

melonalone · 08/03/2025 20:38

Ah c’mon I’m sure you’ve been to a friend’s house as a child or adult and you didn’t like their sister/neighbour/friend. These things happen. The parents were rude to quiz the OP over it

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You're continuing to miss the point. And nowhere have I said that the mother was right to confront OP about it. I also don't think that OP did anything wrong in helping out in an emergency. I'm just explaining why the girl might have mentioned it to her mum.

I went to stay with two dear friends for a few days this week. I was really looking forward to it. Had I got there and found someone I'd never met also staying there, that I hadn't been told about, I'd have been very disappointed. And the vibe and conversation would have been totally different from what I'd been expecting.

I wouldn't have complained, but when I got home and my kids asked if I'd had a nice time, I'd probably have mentioned it.

And of course the kid in this case probably had to share a bedroom with this girl she didn't know. So it's perfectly okay for her to be disconcerted.

Skintcapitalist · 08/03/2025 20:53

Can I ask what rules others have about sleepovers? And what has gone so wrong that people dread them?

melonalone · 08/03/2025 20:56

saraclara · 08/03/2025 20:52

You're continuing to miss the point. And nowhere have I said that the mother was right to confront OP about it. I also don't think that OP did anything wrong in helping out in an emergency. I'm just explaining why the girl might have mentioned it to her mum.

I went to stay with two dear friends for a few days this week. I was really looking forward to it. Had I got there and found someone I'd never met also staying there, that I hadn't been told about, I'd have been very disappointed. And the vibe and conversation would have been totally different from what I'd been expecting.

I wouldn't have complained, but when I got home and my kids asked if I'd had a nice time, I'd probably have mentioned it.

And of course the kid in this case probably had to share a bedroom with this girl she didn't know. So it's perfectly okay for her to be disconcerted.

Edited
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I literally said, “The girl is fine to be annoyed, and fine to complain to her parents, but they, as the adults in this situation, should know better than to complain to the OP.” and yet you replied disagreeing. Don’t think it’s me who is “continuing to miss the point”.

AreYouTheFarmer2025 · 08/03/2025 21:07

I agree the other parents are weird. Maybe having someone else there that the girls didn't know,might have changed the dynamic slightly. Maybe the other girls felt a bit uncomfortable not knowing the other girl?

ThreeMagicNumber · 08/03/2025 21:14

Yanbu

SexAndCakes · 08/03/2025 21:14

Really weird, YANBU. And if there were extenuating circumstances like SEN, or specific anxieties on behalf of the child or parent, then you should have been told about them. You can't be expected to guess, FFS.

RuledByHormones · 08/03/2025 21:17

saraclara · 08/03/2025 20:52

You're continuing to miss the point. And nowhere have I said that the mother was right to confront OP about it. I also don't think that OP did anything wrong in helping out in an emergency. I'm just explaining why the girl might have mentioned it to her mum.

I went to stay with two dear friends for a few days this week. I was really looking forward to it. Had I got there and found someone I'd never met also staying there, that I hadn't been told about, I'd have been very disappointed. And the vibe and conversation would have been totally different from what I'd been expecting.

I wouldn't have complained, but when I got home and my kids asked if I'd had a nice time, I'd probably have mentioned it.

And of course the kid in this case probably had to share a bedroom with this girl she didn't know. So it's perfectly okay for her to be disconcerted.

Edited
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I agree with this. I have a friend who is terrible for doing this. It drives me absolutely bananas.

laraitopbanana · 08/03/2025 21:21

Changeissmall · 08/03/2025 18:09

Other parents are weird.

That.

they will surely have to get over the « I am vetting everyone my daughter meets ». If they don’t trust you, they shouldn’t have agreed no. They did so you get to choose…what you do in your house.

NaomhPadraigin · 08/03/2025 21:27

I think I'd have to tell that parent (mother?) that it was my house, and my decision. And I would never do anything to put any of the children in danger.

How dare she??!!