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AIBU?

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Original poster

Dd(11) unplanned sleepover guest

201 replies

tentimesover · 08/03/2025 17:58

Dd (11) had a couple of school friends over for a sleepover last night. One of my friends had an emergency come up and asked if I could look after her daughter(12) and I agreed. Her and dd are good friends but Dd’s school friends haven’t met this girl before.

All absolutely fine, the girls all got on well and went out together today. One school friends parents are annoyed there was an uninvited guest and say it wasn’t what they agreed to when they let their dd stay.

It was late and I honestly didn’t even consider it could be a problem or to messages other parents. They are all the same age and I know this friends daughter well and she is lovely as are dds school friends.

Was I unreasonable to let her stay without asking other parents first?
If it was the other way around I honestly wouldn’t have been at all bothered and if anything thought it was nice.

OP posts:
PleaseDontFingerMyPouffe · 08/03/2025 21:29

"If the situation ever occurs again due to family emergency, I'll call you so can pick your daughter up"

Clavinova · 08/03/2025 21:32

tentimesover
All absolutely fine, the girls all got on well and went out together today.

Where did they go when they went out together? Could this be the problem? Did they meet up with anyone else?

Katbum · 08/03/2025 21:33

YANBU. If they don’t want their daughter exposed to things outside of their control, don’t let them go to a sleepover. ‘I’m not in the habit of seeking permission for overnight guests. It would probably be best for your child not to do sleepovers at ours if you are not comfortable with this.’

I mean. I fully get that it’s scary to have your child at someone else’s home overnight because of risks of exposure to good knows what…but if they don’t trust you judgement dd shouldn’t be at your home anyway.

Nanny0gg · 08/03/2025 21:50

tentimesover · 08/03/2025 18:36

They messaged asking if we had another girl stay (Which they obviously already knew as their dd would have told them)

I explained she was my friends daughter who had an emergency…

And they replied saying that they’re not really happy about it as it wasn’t what was agreed

Show quote history

Then I would have offered for them to tell their DD that they were coming over to pick her up.

And let them deal with the fallout

Very rude

Floppyflippers · 08/03/2025 22:08

I remember a sleepover I had when I was a kid. The host child had a friend from a different school and they were best friends. They spent the night talking and laughing about their shared experiences and in jokes. I felt very pushed out. They just yapped away and left me sat there like a spare part. It wasn't a nice feeling. Maybe this girl felt similar and the parents didn't like it.

I didn't tell my mum about it myself but kids are possibly more open about such things these days.

My guess, it will be something like that.

Rosybud88 · 08/03/2025 22:29

I see this from both sides. I am so nervous about my daughter having sleepovers and I can’t imagine that I’m alone in this. I don’t think it’s unreasonable for a parent to want to know who else will be in the property. However, this was another girl who was the same age so at the same time I could understand why you wouldn’t have seen an issue with it.

Samandytimlucypeterolivia · 08/03/2025 22:32

It’s a bit of a strange thing to complain about. If it was another adult, then totally reasonable to have concerns . However another kid the same age, when I’m assuming everything went okay shou;d be a cause for concern. Could the daughter have said something to the parents?

Qwee · 08/03/2025 22:33

Rosybud88 · 08/03/2025 22:29

I see this from both sides. I am so nervous about my daughter having sleepovers and I can’t imagine that I’m alone in this. I don’t think it’s unreasonable for a parent to want to know who else will be in the property. However, this was another girl who was the same age so at the same time I could understand why you wouldn’t have seen an issue with it.

Kindly meant, but then you don't allow them to go.
My children never went on them until I felt 100% happy with it.

I trusted the parents completely because I really knew them.

If you are nervous the answer is not to think you have the right to dictate the occupancy of the other house.
You simply do not allow your child to go.

bevm72yellow · 08/03/2025 22:41

You safeguarded the children at your house and did nothing that compromised that. She is making you question yourself and you must stand on your own authority with this parent. Ask her is it a safeguarding issue? If not then she should button up.

latetothefisting · 08/03/2025 22:42

tentimesover · 08/03/2025 19:35

This was the similar .

Dd had asked on Wednesday if x, y and z could stay on Friday and I had said yes to her. They all came home together after school yesterday.
Parents did message Friday day to confirm their dd was staying with us and I said yes.
Nothing else was actually agreed between us.

Show quote history

I'd say that then!
'I'm slightly confused. You messaged on Friday to confirm that your dd was staying with us. You didn't ask about any other guests, so I'm not sure what you mean by an 'agreement?' I don't think it's possible to breach something that was never agreed, or even discussed, in the first place....'

FlatWhite78 · 08/03/2025 22:47

Rosybud88 · 08/03/2025 22:29

I see this from both sides. I am so nervous about my daughter having sleepovers and I can’t imagine that I’m alone in this. I don’t think it’s unreasonable for a parent to want to know who else will be in the property. However, this was another girl who was the same age so at the same time I could understand why you wouldn’t have seen an issue with it.

If you’re nervous about another child on the property then I really think that you need to get some help for your anxiety.

Devianinc · 08/03/2025 22:51

tentimesover · 08/03/2025 17:58

Dd (11) had a couple of school friends over for a sleepover last night. One of my friends had an emergency come up and asked if I could look after her daughter(12) and I agreed. Her and dd are good friends but Dd’s school friends haven’t met this girl before.

All absolutely fine, the girls all got on well and went out together today. One school friends parents are annoyed there was an uninvited guest and say it wasn’t what they agreed to when they let their dd stay.

It was late and I honestly didn’t even consider it could be a problem or to messages other parents. They are all the same age and I know this friends daughter well and she is lovely as are dds school friends.

Was I unreasonable to let her stay without asking other parents first?
If it was the other way around I honestly wouldn’t have been at all bothered and if anything thought it was nice.

Does she have ownership of your home? Thought not but I’d watch out for her. She doesn’t sound very nice.

UnintentionalArcher · 08/03/2025 23:02

MuggleMe · 08/03/2025 20:10

Well I'm coming from it with the perspective of a sensitive SEN daughter who likes to know exactly what to expect and can get totally thrown by a change of plan even if it turns out positive. An extra child will change the vibe. I'd hope for a heads up message and confirmation that my DD was still fine. But I get that it's different with SEN.

Show quote history

I think that’s totally reasonable but I’m guessing that you would also have that conversation in advance with the other parents, rather than trying to set an expectation afterwards like these people have?

Clavinova · 08/03/2025 23:11

bevm72yellow
You safeguarded the children at your house and did nothing that compromised that

Although the girls went out together today and we don't know where to.

Also, the op said; 'Dd (11) had a couple of school friends over for a sleepover last night' - but there were 5 girls in total including the extra girl, not 4. The op forgot how many girls she had invited!

Clavinova · 08/03/2025 23:14

Are the girls definitely in the same year group? The friend's daughter could be in Year 8.

Booboobagins · 08/03/2025 23:30

LivingwithHopenowandforever · 08/03/2025 19:40

Mmmmm white privilege 🫢🤔…………cough cough

Show quote history

Who said anything about being white? I dont think OP said they are white? 🤔

In any case, I don't think privilege is only a white person behaviour. I've seen many an ethnicity use privilege, so why did you refer to it as white privilege?

Franjipanl8r · 08/03/2025 23:41

Pre smart phones I wouldn’t have an issue with this. But my DD (age 9) had a friend stay over who brought a phone and showed her something inappropriate on it during the night (I didn’t even know she had a smartphone with her let alone have it in the bedroom!). It’s made me and DH completely re-think sleepovers. Maybe this girls parents have had a similar bad experience and are particularly cautious about who their child spends the evening with unsupervised.

IdaGlossop · 08/03/2025 23:42

This thread really shows that a person's world view can permeate even arrangements for a sleepover. Thinking back to the Y6/Y7 sleepover phase, I realise it never crossed my mind think about the risk that might be posed by an older brother at the house of a friend DD stayed overnight at often. I trusted the parents and that was enough for me. Conversely, the mother of another school friend of DD told me none of her children were ever going to have a sleepover anywhere, not even with her in-laws, because 'you can't trust men'. She also disliked school trips because of the risk that the coach might crash. Ironically, I decided that in the unlikely event of DD being invited for a sleepover, she wouldn't be going because the anxiety level of the mother was in itself problematic.

Printedword · 08/03/2025 23:55

FlatWhite78 · 08/03/2025 18:09

Why would you ask other parents about a guest at your house? They’re being absolutely ridiculous OP. They should be grateful to you for entertaining their DD for the night. If their little darling wasn’t pleased with the arrangement then she should’ve asked to go home.

It's totally ridiculous to have to be in a position where a guest child's parents effectively want a guest list in advance of who is at a sleepover. Asking is outright weird

Drfosters · 09/03/2025 06:23

IdaGlossop · 08/03/2025 23:42

This thread really shows that a person's world view can permeate even arrangements for a sleepover. Thinking back to the Y6/Y7 sleepover phase, I realise it never crossed my mind think about the risk that might be posed by an older brother at the house of a friend DD stayed overnight at often. I trusted the parents and that was enough for me. Conversely, the mother of another school friend of DD told me none of her children were ever going to have a sleepover anywhere, not even with her in-laws, because 'you can't trust men'. She also disliked school trips because of the risk that the coach might crash. Ironically, I decided that in the unlikely event of DD being invited for a sleepover, she wouldn't be going because the anxiety level of the mother was in itself problematic.

the funny thing is, older brothers (generalising here) would do anything to avoid their young sister and friends during a sleep over! I know my brother often had sleepovers on the same night with his mates and we basically had zero contract whatsoever. Doors were shut and battles lines drawn. I think older brothers would think a girlie sleepover was the lamest thing ever. Certainly my experience anyway. It wouldn't have occurred to me to think older boys in the home was a risk - I would assume parents were in the property and supervising everyone regardless

itsgettingweird · 09/03/2025 06:29

The only response really to this is

"I'm sorry you and/or DD were upset by the addition of X as an emergency. I perfectly understand why she won't want to be included in further sleepovers in case something pops up again. Thankyou for the heads up"

YipYapYop · 09/03/2025 06:44

Not sure why we're assuming that the friend told her parents the full context. First, they may not know there was an emergency. Second, they may be concerned about what kind of emergency it was.

They may have agreed to the sleepover based on it being a sleepover with girls DD knew or girls they had met before.

They may have been uncomfortable with the change of plans, especially if their DD wasn't comfortable.

Just because they're all girls doesn't mean they would all feel comfortable sharing a bedroom with someone they don't know.

YipYapYop · 09/03/2025 06:47

Printedword · 08/03/2025 23:55

It's totally ridiculous to have to be in a position where a guest child's parents effectively want a guest list in advance of who is at a sleepover. Asking is outright weird

Show quote history

No, this isn't weird at all! "Can I go for a sleepover?", 'who will be there?"

I think a lot of if not most parents would ask this question before saying yes or no.

Oopsps · 09/03/2025 07:04

it sounds weird but I suspect there is more to this from the other parents side they have not shared. Maybe this 12 year old being older has done or talked about more mature teen themes or this 11 year old felt left out or uncomfortable or whatever. 11 year olds would not tell their friends mum they were unhappy in their house.
but considering circumstances I don’t think you did anything ‘wrong’

Modernskylines · 09/03/2025 07:07

Oopsps · 09/03/2025 07:04

it sounds weird but I suspect there is more to this from the other parents side they have not shared. Maybe this 12 year old being older has done or talked about more mature teen themes or this 11 year old felt left out or uncomfortable or whatever. 11 year olds would not tell their friends mum they were unhappy in their house.
but considering circumstances I don’t think you did anything ‘wrong’

Exactly

there will be. The other parent has not shared because doesn’t want to cause trouble for her daughter.

But obviously something went down during the sleepover and their daughter has come home very upset