How to Persuade Parents to Put Heating on Due to DF's Pneumonia

[bigkahunaburger]

So I wrote a post a while back around Christmas time about a big fall out with my parents about not heating their home and getting the hump with me for being cold. I got a lot of great advice, but this is related but a different issue as its about my Dad not me.

So my DF is mid 70s and he has had a recent nasty bout of pneumonia, and he got better and now its come back and knocked him for six. My DPs have form for never putting the heating on, DM complains constantly of a headache when its on, and DF always defends her and claims he's fine, he's not cold etc (I really think he is but he is just appeasing her). DM is lovely to him - they are lovely to eat other - and fusses over him, especially now he's sick. Bringing him lovely meals, checking his oxygen levels and generally clucking round him etc. BUT the heating is never on, and all the windows are open and its positively baltic in there still. I believe that this caused the pneumonia, and even if it didn't it has certainly exacerbated and made him worse. I've talked to them endlessly about this (and DM gets VERY offended, defensive and upset - and then DF gets mad at me and defends her claiming he's fine and not cold). After I nagged her to promise she wouldn't have the heating below 21 and she did, I have purposely turned up unannounced, in the evening, and every time its baltic, and I have to keep my coat on and leave quite quickly.

My brother does the same, and he's really cross and thinks mum is selfish and the headaches are bullshit. DB wants me, him, and other DB to go round and do an 'intervention'. I do but I'm also wary cos DM tends to get really angry and cries, and then DF get super angry (he is an uber protective husband). I don't know what to do.

The latest is they are being smug and saying they read with pneumonia you need a cold dry home so they are right to do what they are doing. I can't find nothing that says anything of the sort. All materials state that yes dry - and a humidifier is a good idea - but COLD - absolutely not. I've sent her documents saying this. She has ignored me.

So, my AIBU is would an 'intervention' like my DB is suggesting be reasonable in this instance (we are VERY worried about how ill he is) and does anyone have any advice on how to get through to them?

Edit - I meant DF (as in Dear Father), I was thinking Dear Dad but just realised DD is Dear Daughter. Oops.

What is the nature of this "intervention "?

So DB wants me, and those two to go round, sit them down, and gently but firmly tell them that this isnt ok. I think DB is planning on telling DM that she is being really selfish and putting our DF health at risk. The other DB is very very, um, blunt shall we say. So Im a bit worried about how it is going to be presented and it could end up in quite the row tbh.

Im the gentlest communicator of them all, but they literally will not listen to me and just shout me down - so maybe its needed???

Minimum mortality from pneumonia is around 22c

Minimum room temp should be 18

It's abusive isn't it ?

Can't think of anything practical

Agreed. We are worried sick.

They just wont hear it!

Ive sent heaps of links and materials, talked to them face to face, but they just scoff, say my generation are ridiculous snowflakes, and heating isnt healthy etc. Its just so worrying.

I would and I'd be saying she's abusing him as well.

I'd also put the heating on and stand over it until the house is toasty with a box of painkillers in hand for the headaches.

Or one of you take dad home until he's well. The weather's warming up anyway.

In the simplest terms, can you lock the windows (if they're fairly modern ones) and remove the keys from her? When my Dad was unwell, he kept fiddling with the heating thermostat and we had to fit a locking plastic box over it - is that an option too? What she's doing is a form of abuse, I'm sorry to say.

Time to buy him a heated blanket. That way he’s warm and she can keep the temperature that doesn’t give her headaches.

What is so strange is that they are so in love, so lovely to each other - she is a really wonderful wife and fusses over him so much. But this is just so weird. I worry for both of their healths, but the fact he got pneumonia, recovered, now has it again at his age is v. scary.

I cant help but be very mad at her.

As someone with recent experience of it upon discharge you must keep warm and hydrated. Those two things were key.
This is from the NHS (AI overview so possibly collated from a few of their sources):
To help prevent pneumonia, especially during cold weather, focus on staying warm and dry, wearing layers of clothing, and ensuring your home is adequately heated.

I did buy him one, and he uses that, and always has a padded hoodie on in the house, but I dont think thats enough. Not with pneumonia.

Tricky, has your mother always been like this with heating?
I'm assuming they can afford to put the heating up?
At what temperature does she keep the house?

Indeed you need warm air going into the lungs

I would be blunt - is this abuse , stupidity or dementia?

I don’t think the cold house can be causing pneumonia, surely?!? It’s making it more unpleasant once he has it, I’m sure, but I’d stay away from telling them that if it’s not true.

I’ve had pneumonia a few times and it’s just absolutely miserable let alone being cold. I like the electric blanket/ wrap idea

heated gillet?

@bigkahunaburger
Could something like Google Nest thermostat work? I don't know much about it but could one of you control it from your home? Your parents would need to have broadband though.

Cold air is bad for th lungs

It does make it more likely that people will get ill

Cold air whilst he has it increases his risk of death

Is this something you could raise with their GP?

Im not sure it can cause it but it does say people are more vulnerable to pneumonia if they are in cold homes. It reduces immunity apparently.

Its definately not helping.

DM has always been like this about heating. And no money issues - they have plenty.

I asked to go with DF to GP and I got told no way.

As I say - they are very very defensive and get angry about it.

Would they listen to a doctor?
I'd see if the GP would have a word and recommend that they have it on and be clear that not doing so risks your DF s health.

I'd also not dismiss the headaches. IF they are legitimate it could suggest there's a carbon monoxide issue. Or that your mother is frightened of one. So perhaps get her some monitors to lessen any anxiety.

Has the boiler been checked? If she gets headaches could it be carbon monoxide leaking when the heating is on? Headaches can be a sign of low level carbon monoxide poisoning.

That’s a good idea, @5foot5 , some times ppl will listen to outsiders ( esp. experts) far more than they will family members.

I understand your frustration, OP, my Dad is similarly stingy with heating and it drives me mad. He says that it’s expensive, etc. but I know full well that he can afford to heat his small flat.

We talked to her and sent her a link about carbon monoxide poisoning and she got very mad and huffy and said she is perfectly normal - she doesnt like heating and gets headaches and loads of people do. She said she was always like that in every house (thats true).

She has always had it cold, and DF has just gone along with it I think, but it is getting worse.

Can I speak to his GP and make sure they don't let on? They would go absolutely mental if they found out.

The other thing is I think even if the GP said how important it was to DF, he wouldn't tell DM for fear she would be upset. Crazy eh!

Can they afford to turn the heating on?

Assuming it's not a money issue... Can you phone their gp and ask them to have a word. But yes allow the intervention to happen and to hell with the row. Your dad's health (life?) is more important than your mum's tender feelings