How to Persuade Parents to Put Heating on Due to DF's Pneumonia

[bigkahunaburger]

So I wrote a post a while back around Christmas time about a big fall out with my parents about not heating their home and getting the hump with me for being cold. I got a lot of great advice, but this is related but a different issue as its about my Dad not me.

So my DF is mid 70s and he has had a recent nasty bout of pneumonia, and he got better and now its come back and knocked him for six. My DPs have form for never putting the heating on, DM complains constantly of a headache when its on, and DF always defends her and claims he's fine, he's not cold etc (I really think he is but he is just appeasing her). DM is lovely to him - they are lovely to eat other - and fusses over him, especially now he's sick. Bringing him lovely meals, checking his oxygen levels and generally clucking round him etc. BUT the heating is never on, and all the windows are open and its positively baltic in there still. I believe that this caused the pneumonia, and even if it didn't it has certainly exacerbated and made him worse. I've talked to them endlessly about this (and DM gets VERY offended, defensive and upset - and then DF gets mad at me and defends her claiming he's fine and not cold). After I nagged her to promise she wouldn't have the heating below 21 and she did, I have purposely turned up unannounced, in the evening, and every time its baltic, and I have to keep my coat on and leave quite quickly.

My brother does the same, and he's really cross and thinks mum is selfish and the headaches are bullshit. DB wants me, him, and other DB to go round and do an 'intervention'. I do but I'm also wary cos DM tends to get really angry and cries, and then DF get super angry (he is an uber protective husband). I don't know what to do.

The latest is they are being smug and saying they read with pneumonia you need a cold dry home so they are right to do what they are doing. I can't find nothing that says anything of the sort. All materials state that yes dry - and a humidifier is a good idea - but COLD - absolutely not. I've sent her documents saying this. She has ignored me.

So, my AIBU is would an 'intervention' like my DB is suggesting be reasonable in this instance (we are VERY worried about how ill he is) and does anyone have any advice on how to get through to them?

Edit - I meant DF (as in Dear Father), I was thinking Dear Dad but just realised DD is Dear Daughter. Oops.

in my new build flat you can turn on the heating in the living room and it comes on in living room and hallway, or in the main bedroom and that controls both bedrooms and the bathroom.
Have they got anything similar as you said they are a new build?
heating on in the main room he stays in while he’s sick (I assume bedroom).

it does sound like you’re going to have to be extreme and say ‘you might kill him’

shes prioritising her ‘headaches’ over his pneumonia. My DP is 29 and pneumonia absolutely wiped him out at Xmas, I dread to think how your dad must be feeling

Have you ever thought to get a gas safety check? The headaches would be a big red flag to me!

My mother recently passed away from a chronic lung condition and in the last months of her life it would have been completely unbearable for her to be in a cold house. I’m sure it must make breathing more of an effort. A house that chronically cold like that, the cold will feel like it’s seeping into the bones. Are they wearing a shit ton of layers? That’s the only reason I can think of for why they aren’t appearing too uncomfortable. People that age tend to feel the cold more if anything.
I agree with contacting the GP. You can ask for it to be anonymous but to be honest 1. They will probably guess and 2. Who cares? Sometimes keeping someone safe is more important than them being happy with you.
They might feel they need to make a referral to social services under vulnerable adult procedures which to be honest would be no bad thing.
Do you know what temp the house is sitting at usually? Because that information will help the GP know what to do. At least the weather is starting to warm up.

If I recall the other thread correctly- I'm not sure anything you say or do will make a difference, will it? I would also be worried sick but I also can't see anything changing; it kind of feels weirdly abusive but you also say they adore each other. I hope your Dad gets better soon OP, and hopefully the slightly milder weather will help. However, weren't they very horrible to you about this last time?

9 degrees, that is abuse. I thought at first you just meant a bit colder than normal. She is harming your Df and I dont think you would be unreasonable to call adult social services.

@RoastDinnerSmellsNice Thanks, I thought it was probably incorrect.

It's not at all the same.

This is more like if the OP's partner or husband withheld food when she was recovering from an eating disorder.

This is from Google!!

Cold air doesn't directly cause pneumonia, but cold, damp homes can make it easier for viruses and bacteria to grow. This can increase the risk of developing pneumonia

me & my husband had more health issues when we lived in a damp house now we’ve got a new build we’re both fine, our heating is hardly ever on and windows in the bedroom open 24/7 as we can’t sleep if hot!

Do you have the means to invite your Dad to stay until he is well. In your warm house.
when he sees that it makes him feel better.
and that after decades of living in a bone chilling house maybe he will find his balls and be able to advocate for his own comfort better?

my mother likes to sleep in a very cold room.
we live in same house.
the rest of the house is at 20+
but her room has a window open and is Baltic .
maybe your mum can have one cold room to “relieve her headaches”
and you can put a draft excluder on the bottom of that door and the rest of the house can remain warmer

if you have no concerns about this being because they can t afford it.

another idea.
can you get a nest thermometer, and have the ap on your phone.
and you can observe and increase the temp
but maybe that’s a bit infantilisingly big brotherish

@bigkahunaburger I work in energy education and hearing their house is sometimes this cold is horrifying. For older people living in a home at 9c or below there is a massive increase risk of developing hypothermia, especially if they have other health issues and even more worrying with someone with pneumonia. Cold won’t cause pneumonia but breathing in cold air will exacerbate the symptoms, making it harder to breathe. Being cold can also significantly reduce blood pressure which again is dangerous the older you are and if you have any other health issues. With pneumonia your body is struggling significantly, he shouldn’t be wasting energy trying to keep warm.

As a compromise could your Dad be in one room that can be heated so your mum can’t use the headache excuse? She is seriously putting him at risk. Could he stay with you at least until he recovers? It’s basically abusive what she’s doing, I’d potentially want to speak to your local safeguarding team although if your dad has full capacity it may be difficult for them to intervene.

I would get a smart thermostat now, set it up so it doesn't go below the desired temp.

I’m shocked, we put the heating on like three times a year if it snows heavily and when washing needs drying fast. We’re still pretty young though so no risk of catching our death but I didn’t know it was that controversial.

I don’t get headaches but we all can’t stand being hot, I can’t imagine being in a 20 degree house all day and being comfortable. Obviously being elderly has an impact, and he shouldn’t be getting ill, but I can’t believe how warm some of your homes are!

It’s so tricky, my DM is in her early 70’s with health conditions including a lung condition. I walked into her bedroom the other day and it was around 14 degrees. Her top bedding felt cold and slightly damp, she will only use a heated blanket in there and a log burner in the other part of the house.
I keeping telling her it should be warmer and to run a dehumidifier but she insists she can’t sleep in a hot room and doesn’t like the house too warm.
She spent her childhood in poverty, which has to this day had a significant impact, she must feel the cold but won’t give in to it.
We heat our home to 19 degrees and when she visits she never says it’s too hot, doesn’t shed many layers to show that she ‘runs hot’ as she likes to claim.
Im not sure what sort of intervention you could have with two people who are adamant you are in the wrong and they are just fine, especially if there are no concerns about the mental capacity of them both.

My uncle and aunt were like this. Absolutely refused to have central heating put in their house (despite being well able to afford it) and both suffered repeated respiratory issues. Nothing family said would persuade them. It eventually took a doctor refusing to release my uncle from hospital until they got it installed to persuade them to allow it. Would they listen to an outside voice of authority such as a doctor?

https://www.bbc.co.uk/future/article/20250228-battle-of-the-thermostat-the-science-behind-your-central-heating-arguments

It's ultimately their choice. I never close windows or put on heating. I can't stand the stuffiness of it

If he’s not already had one would he consider a pneumonia vaccine once he’s recovered? It might help prevent him getting it again, or reducing the severity of it.

Where do you live though? If you are in the mediterranean, California, parts of Australia - entirely reasonable. Or if you have one of those "Grand Designs" passive house things with quadruple glazing and 6 feet of insulation. I think OP may have mentioned if her parents were in that sort of home, don't you?

What is not reasonable is having no heating whatsoever and windows open year round in the UK, in the sort of house most of us live in. Average temperatures in many parts of the UK from December - February are well under 5c.

Competitive underheating is a thing on MN. Heating your house to a temperature higher than it is outside is not "stuffiness". Especially when you are an elderly man with sodding pneumonia.

so say “you could kill dad” then. I’d have said it before now. Yes it will upset her, but she actually could kill him with this so it has to be said. Better to say it now then wait until it has happened and being left with huge feelings of resentment towards someone you love.

I had very stern words with my dad when he insisted that he didn’t need to phone the doctor when he caught chicken pox off my daughter, aged 70, with asthma, and blood pressure issues, and massively underweight due to dangerously uncontrolled diabetes. I told him that if he died it would be my fault because it was my child who infected him and I couldn’t live with that, so get to the bloody doctor. It worked.

I think it’s a cruel to be kind moment. She clearly loves him very much. Time to be very blunt about the possible consequences of her actions.

Some of the suggestions on here are wild, You cant install a heating control in an adults house and control it remotely.

Age UKs website explains how cold houses do increase the risk of pneumonia would phone Age UKs helpline and ask them for advice, this is not an unusual issue. But do not talk about 21 degrees, that is hot and would be too hot for me. Lots of older people are used to homes being slightly cooler than younger people, but 19 degrees is reasonable.

www.ageuk.org.uk/information-advice/health-wellbeing/keep-well-this-winter/cold-weather-illnesses-and-your-health/

I would be more brutal if they won't listen to common sense. Ask if Wills are up to date, thoughts on downsizing etc as there's a possibility of your DM being widowed if DF can't recover. I know it's harsh, but sometimes it doesn't even occur to them that this is a possible outcome.

There's also a risk of him not recovering sufficiently or having scarring and becoming invalided, lung disease is awful to live with. I have accompanied my elderly parent to pulmonary rehab group - it's grim. People shuffling around with O² cylinders and not being able to walk more than a few paces before needing to stop as they can't breathe. This is not something that they should be so flippant about.

@TheOriginalEmu
But if you had pneumonia, even you would need to be kept warm.
You don't need to heat the entire house, just the room the person with the illness is in. Even with a portable radiator, and a bowl of boiling water to provide steam, DH was still shivering, and he was in his 40s not his 70s

We are in the south of uk

My first thought is dementia. 9-11 degrees is just so incredibly miserable. I’d definitely pick up a heated blanket for him straight away.

It sounds like there is no point you talking to them again - time to get a professional involved. I’m in a different country but there is usually a service you can call as he is sick and they can call to the home.

your going too far asking it to be 21 degrees. 18 would be fine or his own heater.