How to Persuade Parents to Put Heating on Due to DF's Pneumonia

[bigkahunaburger]

So I wrote a post a while back around Christmas time about a big fall out with my parents about not heating their home and getting the hump with me for being cold. I got a lot of great advice, but this is related but a different issue as its about my Dad not me.

So my DF is mid 70s and he has had a recent nasty bout of pneumonia, and he got better and now its come back and knocked him for six. My DPs have form for never putting the heating on, DM complains constantly of a headache when its on, and DF always defends her and claims he's fine, he's not cold etc (I really think he is but he is just appeasing her). DM is lovely to him - they are lovely to eat other - and fusses over him, especially now he's sick. Bringing him lovely meals, checking his oxygen levels and generally clucking round him etc. BUT the heating is never on, and all the windows are open and its positively baltic in there still. I believe that this caused the pneumonia, and even if it didn't it has certainly exacerbated and made him worse. I've talked to them endlessly about this (and DM gets VERY offended, defensive and upset - and then DF gets mad at me and defends her claiming he's fine and not cold). After I nagged her to promise she wouldn't have the heating below 21 and she did, I have purposely turned up unannounced, in the evening, and every time its baltic, and I have to keep my coat on and leave quite quickly.

My brother does the same, and he's really cross and thinks mum is selfish and the headaches are bullshit. DB wants me, him, and other DB to go round and do an 'intervention'. I do but I'm also wary cos DM tends to get really angry and cries, and then DF get super angry (he is an uber protective husband). I don't know what to do.

The latest is they are being smug and saying they read with pneumonia you need a cold dry home so they are right to do what they are doing. I can't find nothing that says anything of the sort. All materials state that yes dry - and a humidifier is a good idea - but COLD - absolutely not. I've sent her documents saying this. She has ignored me.

So, my AIBU is would an 'intervention' like my DB is suggesting be reasonable in this instance (we are VERY worried about how ill he is) and does anyone have any advice on how to get through to them?

Edit - I meant DF (as in Dear Father), I was thinking Dear Dad but just realised DD is Dear Daughter. Oops.

They are both thin.

Can anyone help me with links to things that specifically say cold home can cause and/or exacerbate pneumonia? I found a couple of things but I think I need more.

I think she's found something about fresh air and she's run with that.

Even if they are used to keeping the house on the cool side, it's surely not so good now they are getting older?

There has to be some compromise between 9/11 & 21 I would have thought though!

Do you think that your Mum is lying about the headaches?

Is she that selfish?

www.england.nhs.uk/blog/lucy-verasamy/#:~:text=Heat%20the%20home%3A%20Heat%20your,the%20risk%20of%20chest%20infections.

Explicitly says increases risk or chest infection

And keep windows closed at night

No I believe she does have them (but widely exaggerated and does performative 'im overhearing'. Mmy DB doesn't believe she does- she is prone to drama). I've tried to question her about it cos she loves holidays- massive sun worshipper, she claims she just doesn't like unnatural heat: but she LOVES the sauna and steam room at the gym!!?? But I think she also thinks heating is bad for you. Ironically they are extremely health conscious.

The way I see it is even if she has headaches they are older and need to be looking after themselves and need it warmer and especially now and she should care abour guests comfort. No amount of discussion will make them budge. I think now saying 'you
Could kill dad' is the only thing that is going to work. But my god that will upset her.

Get the boiler serviced and a co monitor also

Look up effects of cold on immune system and cold effects on respiratory conditions. Look up effects of cold and hypothermia in seniors.

Your dad's health is more important than her upset.

I would definitely notify his doc that she has the house running in the 9 to 11 degree range with windows wide open.

Drastic and probably won't happen if they are that much "in love" but I'd have Dad stay on rotation with each of you until the weather warms up. Leave mother on her own in her cold house. I know it won't happen because of his loyalty to your mother, but he could be just saying that if she is the ultimate boss in that house. Would he be bullied by her do you think, or is he afraid to disagree with her?

Even if he stayed in another room that was heated and mother stayed in the fridge room. Would that work, or would mother not agree to them being apart as she loves him so much. I think that's bullshit BTW and she is abusing him and controlling his life. Presumably they both contribute to the household so each should have an equal say. I'm thinking of that awful word "Henpecked", but it seems to fit your father here.

9 or 11c is not just a wee bit chilly. Your poor dad.

Sorry Op I did look back at your posts after I posted & see that you had answered about the headaches.

So in the Summer when the house (hopefully) naturally gets warmer, I guess that is ok as it's natural heat?

Tbh I'd be getting myself checked out if central heating in cold weather constantly caused headaches.

It 's almost like a control thing isn't it?

It's interesting you say that diddl. We are convinced DM has OCD. There are other things but they aren't causing harm eg she has an obsession with her fridge - no one can touch it but her, she has to make everything, she is uber territorial about her kitchen. So yes I think this is a OCD/control issue which has always been there even in my childhood but had got worse with age. Because DF is laidback and just adores her and will agree to anything she wants that hasn't helped
Matters one bit.

yes no heating can help with pneumonia..your get a virus like a cold and your body can not fight it so it sinks deeper into your body so causing more illness. my owne father got pneumonia after staying at a relatives house that was freezing and when home he ended up in hospital for 3 weeks.
I would go full control on this now. I would have alerts fitted onto windows that when they are opened you get a notification on your phone. heating control with a plastic box around it only you can open it ( we had to do this in the family holiday home as people kept fiddling with buttons and causing issues) and also have it all on notifications on your phone. if it's a new home should be well isualted and retain heat well. with regards headaches get carbon monoxide tested. I would as popel say talk to gp too
it must be a generation thing my own mother in law is simular windows open all the time and front door left open. she only starting to cop on now as she found a rat in her house before Xmas 🤢🙈

You say she fusses around & looks after him-but she's not doing the one thing that he needs to recover & be comfortable.

FFS! Do not tell your DM that shes going to kill her husband! He’s a grown man who can perfectly well flick on the heating of he's feeling the cold. Pneumonia isn't caused by being cold.
OP, you’ve had your say, there is absolutely nothing else you can do and trying to force your parents to do something they don't want will just end up in them not wanting you there. Its warming up now, and is hardly Baltic.

When my DH had pneumonia, the GP would only let me care for him at home if I could keep him warm enough, otherwise I should take him to hospital. This was thirty years ago, so can't remember if an actual temperature was required, but at least 21/22°
Can you show her this thread, or would she hate the idea that you were talking about it on here?

Maybe I've been watching one too many thrillers but is she hiding something in the fridge/kitchen? I don't know if I've incorrectly assumed that she prepares the meals....
Your DM sounds very much like she is abusing your DF and is controlling.

The cold isn't helping his respiratory system and breathing in cold air will slow down his already impacted respiratory defence systems eg. cilia in his airways.

My ex mil was like this.

claimed all sorts - the thermostat was broken etc. despite having money and working central heating she bought electric greenhouse heaters ‘to keep the chill off’.

it was always freezing there (even in the summer). She only ever had it at a reasonable temp when ds1 stayed (she wouldn’t have seen in otherwise).

it’s strange ‘cos my dm and df’s house was always really warm (so much so that when I left home and had to pay for my own heating I was always freezing).

tbh I think the time has already passed where you need to be so blunt she takes offense.

clearly your parents enable each other and it’s deeply ingrained.

I'm interested to know how many layers they wear!

Tbh I'm one that would rather put a jumper on than turn the heating up as for me if I have it high enough to be in a t shirt in the winter then that would give me a headache.

As would being too cold.

Also for me there would come a point where extra layers don't help as hands are cold so there needs to be some background warmth.

I actually wonder if your dad is scared of her reaction should he say that he's not comfortable & need the heating on.

I suppose having windows open is also making it cold.

We never have the heating on overnight & I don't think it has gone below 17 even in very cold spells.

When you have your intervention, one of you ask her point blank if she is trying to kill DF? She will of course be furious, but if you keep the suggestion up, it might make them both think...you could also ring Social Services and express concern. Some outside pressure might help.

Is there any way DF can be isolated in a warm room, & DM can stay cold ?

Ok one possible (nuclear) option is to call Adult Social Services and raise a safeguarding concern.

You will need to stress that your father is vulnerable and that you believe your mother is exercising coercive control over him.

Even if your father has capacity he is not automatically excluded from safeguarding.

www.communitycare.co.uk/2017/12/04/safeguarding-adults-mental-capacity-key-principles/

You would need to write the safeguarding concern carefully (read the link to understand unwise decisions vs exemptions when a person has capacity).

My experience is that family interventions often go unheard but get a professional in and there is a much bigger chance they will be listened to.

If you do this I would stress an unannounced visit (so mum can't close the windows/heat the home) and do it asap before the weather turns.

I think you’d be better letting your brothers deal with this. It’s sounds like you’ve done and said all you can - there’s nothing left for you to say. I remember your other thread !
It does seem like a control thing on your mums’s part and no matter what, she will do exactly what she wants by the sounds of things. No one can make her turn the heating on and she will turn it off as soon as your gone anyway.
she sounds like she’d get more stubborn the more you push her anyway.

I'm not sure much will happen unless Op's Dad can actually speak up for himself.

Sounds as if they would pay lip service & then go back to doing what they have always done.

If your dad getting pneumonia twice in fairly rapid succession hasn't given them pause for thought then it's hard to imagine what would.

Absolutely this. We use them and they give fantastic warmth when only one person needs it. They cost pennies to run.

I’m assuming you and your DB will cover their heating costs if you’re telling them so forcefully to use it. Otherwise I’m afraid it’s not your call.

Read the posts people.

He already has a heated blanket.

It's not going to help if he is sleeping in a freezing bedroom with open windows and breathing very cold air.