How to Persuade Parents to Put Heating on Due to DF's Pneumonia

[bigkahunaburger]

So I wrote a post a while back around Christmas time about a big fall out with my parents about not heating their home and getting the hump with me for being cold. I got a lot of great advice, but this is related but a different issue as its about my Dad not me.

So my DF is mid 70s and he has had a recent nasty bout of pneumonia, and he got better and now its come back and knocked him for six. My DPs have form for never putting the heating on, DM complains constantly of a headache when its on, and DF always defends her and claims he's fine, he's not cold etc (I really think he is but he is just appeasing her). DM is lovely to him - they are lovely to eat other - and fusses over him, especially now he's sick. Bringing him lovely meals, checking his oxygen levels and generally clucking round him etc. BUT the heating is never on, and all the windows are open and its positively baltic in there still. I believe that this caused the pneumonia, and even if it didn't it has certainly exacerbated and made him worse. I've talked to them endlessly about this (and DM gets VERY offended, defensive and upset - and then DF gets mad at me and defends her claiming he's fine and not cold). After I nagged her to promise she wouldn't have the heating below 21 and she did, I have purposely turned up unannounced, in the evening, and every time its baltic, and I have to keep my coat on and leave quite quickly.

My brother does the same, and he's really cross and thinks mum is selfish and the headaches are bullshit. DB wants me, him, and other DB to go round and do an 'intervention'. I do but I'm also wary cos DM tends to get really angry and cries, and then DF get super angry (he is an uber protective husband). I don't know what to do.

The latest is they are being smug and saying they read with pneumonia you need a cold dry home so they are right to do what they are doing. I can't find nothing that says anything of the sort. All materials state that yes dry - and a humidifier is a good idea - but COLD - absolutely not. I've sent her documents saying this. She has ignored me.

So, my AIBU is would an 'intervention' like my DB is suggesting be reasonable in this instance (we are VERY worried about how ill he is) and does anyone have any advice on how to get through to them?

Edit - I meant DF (as in Dear Father), I was thinking Dear Dad but just realised DD is Dear Daughter. Oops.

Cold weather doesn’t cause pneumonia. Also, having the heating on can dry out the air which can dry out nasal passages, reducing the bodies ability to trap and rid itself of harmful microbes - it won’t necessarily help.

I would just leave him be if he’s happy

This needs to be sorted out because she's endangering him.

Heated throw, electric blanket, get someone out to check the boiler, organise Hive (or similar) and control the heating from your phone. Get the Dr involved.

If all else fails, then social services adult safeguarding.

That is very difficult, OP.

Maybe blunt is required...
She is putting him in danger.
She could be risking his life
How can she justify that?

Ask for the source of information that said cold and dry..

Good luck, it sounds an awful situation.

Do they have anyone professional going into the house at all?
Probably the best person to have a word would be someone who could 'discover how cold it is' themselves and comment on it with both your parents present.

Get you blunt brother to phone the gp. He doesn't seem to have such a problem causing your mum distress when it's for a good reason

And get the GP to phone your mum, not your dad.

It sounds like it's getting fraught. You've tried, stay out of it now and let your brothers say their piece...

Sounds like they’re an age where they will listen to a medical professional rather than their children. I woulc ask nurse or GP to talk to them.

But 21 is very high, get Mum to agree to 18.

@businessflop25 Yes, if they have any other professional support, they could say something as well. My Dad had some support from Adult SS after my SM died and she was brilliant in getting him to make necessary changes…plus if if I was concerned about something, I’d email her and let her know before her next visit.

I've done this, was similarly very nervous about the GP mentioning that I'd been in touch, but it was fine - and I'm glad I did it. I emailed their GP practice, and stated at the beginning and end of my email that it had to be kept completely confidential and why.

Don't do this incase of a fire. They need to be able to exit in case of an emergency.

Sounds like my mum. She grew up in a stone cottage with no insulation and no central heating so her "normal" is freezing. She does have insulation and central heating now, and a coal fire, but every time we go there I have to remind the kids to wear multiple layers as granny's house is very cold compared to ours. When she stays with us we do get loads of performative moaning about being "so hot", even overnight when the heating is not on. She is genuinely more comfortable at 15-17c and we're comfortable at 20c.

However, your DF is NOT WELL and she does need to accept her preference for a baltic house has to take a back seat - his need is greater than hers at the moment. The house needs to be heated to 19 or 20c as a very minimum - it is NOT normal to be sitting around under heated blankets or special electric blanket hoodies rather than just putting on the sodding heating. I would have the battle now, with your brothers for back up, and tell them that this is non-negotiable and that if it's a cost thing, that all siblings will chip in.

I would rather take advice from the medical profession

I mean yes it isn't caused by the cold

Pneumonia can be caused by bacteria or a virus

but in both cases cold air into the lungs gives both bacteria and virus a head start as it were and slows recovery

In much the same way people who are stressed or run down are also more prone to illnesses

Not unless they don't have capacity. You need to convince them, not tell tales on them.

To add - I would also buy digital thermometers to put in their main living area so they can see with their own eyes how cold it is.

Oh god I'm so anxious about it. I was half hoping people would say leave them alone cos we had such a big row at Xmas and I don't want to fall out again.

My DBs when they go round there just go 'ffs get this heating on this is ridiculous' stuff like that. They grumble but it's only in for that short visit. I've tried and tried to talk gently and respectfully about it, sent them heaps of information. But all I get is mum being saying she does look after him - which she does!
Ugh. So annoying. And worrying.

Did the digital thermometer and DM got super mad at me and wouldn't use it

My MIL is the same. She has terrible circulation problems in her feet but last time i took her home her thermostat read 9oc! She says it was because the heating had been off for 2 days whilst at our house. Utter rubbish - her heating must have been off for days. She can afford to heat the house, she doesn't have any cognitive issues and seems to treat it like some sort of competition. I have gone through everything about how it is affecting her immune system etc etc and she won't listen. In the end i told her if she went into hospital because of her freezing house me and DH would not be doing the 250m round trip to see her. She claims she now has it on 18oC but I don't believe her. If your parents have capacity then you can't make them do anything any more than they could come to your house and turn the thermostat down.

Oh the circulation thing - my mum is the same and is on medication to improve blood flow as her feet over winter are like blocks of ice. Feet fine while with us over Christmas. Didn't see the connection between sleeping in a room which is never heated, ever, and one which has the heating on during the day. FFS.

what did the thermometers show when you used them @bigkahunaburger ?

I think you've tried and tried but at the end of the day they have agency over their lives, neither has impaired mental capacity and he is backing her up to the hilt.

I'd let them alone now and say no more. Visit briefly and keep your coat on, drop the issue completely.

@FortyElephants So she can’t report any concerns about their living conditions with their GP unless her parents lack capacity?

I didn’t realize that- obviously the GP can’t share any private information with her, but I didn’t realize that families couldn’t report concerns.

She got offended about the thermometer when I told her I got one for her and she wouldn't accept it.

Their thermostat reads 11 sometimes or 9. It's a new build house but they simply don't put the heating on and windows open. They sleep with window open.

Could they compromise and DF get an electric heater for where he sits? Then DM can sit near a window and DF can have the warm air he needs?

If there can be a compromise which means both are comfortable then that's the best way.

Cold temps can weaken the immune system which makes it harder for the body to fight off infections. It also can constrict the airways and increase mucus production, making it harder to breath. It can trigger asthma attacks.

Headaches when the heating is on, the boiler or furnace needs to be checked and they need a CO2 monitor.

What temp is she keeping the home at and what are the outdoor temps when she has the windows open. Does he have other health conditions.

Don't downplay this or soften it. Blunt is the way to go. It's affecting his health now.

I just saw the temps. He's at risk of hypothermia with temps that low for prolonged periods.

I think all attempts at not upsetting people need to go out the window. 9 degrees is horrendous. Tell your mother she’s going to kill your father, and it’ll be on her conscious for the rest of her life. And when your dad steps in, confront him and say “I know you don’t want to see her upset but I can tell you’re fucking freezing!” Get a Hive or Nest fitted so you can monitor it. Oh, and if your mother genuinely thinks that 9 degrees is comfortable then she needs to see a doctor- is she very overweight? Does she have hyperthyroidism or something?