How to Persuade Parents to Put Heating on Due to DF's Pneumonia

[bigkahunaburger]

So I wrote a post a while back around Christmas time about a big fall out with my parents about not heating their home and getting the hump with me for being cold. I got a lot of great advice, but this is related but a different issue as its about my Dad not me.

So my DF is mid 70s and he has had a recent nasty bout of pneumonia, and he got better and now its come back and knocked him for six. My DPs have form for never putting the heating on, DM complains constantly of a headache when its on, and DF always defends her and claims he's fine, he's not cold etc (I really think he is but he is just appeasing her). DM is lovely to him - they are lovely to eat other - and fusses over him, especially now he's sick. Bringing him lovely meals, checking his oxygen levels and generally clucking round him etc. BUT the heating is never on, and all the windows are open and its positively baltic in there still. I believe that this caused the pneumonia, and even if it didn't it has certainly exacerbated and made him worse. I've talked to them endlessly about this (and DM gets VERY offended, defensive and upset - and then DF gets mad at me and defends her claiming he's fine and not cold). After I nagged her to promise she wouldn't have the heating below 21 and she did, I have purposely turned up unannounced, in the evening, and every time its baltic, and I have to keep my coat on and leave quite quickly.

My brother does the same, and he's really cross and thinks mum is selfish and the headaches are bullshit. DB wants me, him, and other DB to go round and do an 'intervention'. I do but I'm also wary cos DM tends to get really angry and cries, and then DF get super angry (he is an uber protective husband). I don't know what to do.

The latest is they are being smug and saying they read with pneumonia you need a cold dry home so they are right to do what they are doing. I can't find nothing that says anything of the sort. All materials state that yes dry - and a humidifier is a good idea - but COLD - absolutely not. I've sent her documents saying this. She has ignored me.

So, my AIBU is would an 'intervention' like my DB is suggesting be reasonable in this instance (we are VERY worried about how ill he is) and does anyone have any advice on how to get through to them?

Edit - I meant DF (as in Dear Father), I was thinking Dear Dad but just realised DD is Dear Daughter. Oops.

I will be honest here. Your Mum sounds very misinformed about heating. She has been like this for years. All of your family have tried different ways to persuade them/tell them off etc to get them to change and nothing is working.

I would step away. You are getting far too invested in this and it could start to take over your life. As older people get older their worlds get smaller. Things that you are I would deal with become big issues to them. They refuse to change (my DM was like this, wasn’t beyond fibbing to get a point across!).

In the end something will happen, either parent will be taken into hospital, ss, district nurses will start to lay the law down to your Mum etc (I have seen one in full flow with Mum and Mum did listen to her) but you have tried everything here and it seems to be taking over your lives.

I’ve had pneumonia (I have cancer and my immune system is compromised) and I still can’t bear being too hot. Putting heating at 21 degrees would kill me.
but regardless of any of that, they are competent adults who are allowed to make decisions.

Your father is afraid of your mother.

That's the beginning, middle and end of this saga.

If he refuses to visit you and stay for a while to get better in your warm house well that's that then. He wouldn't be allowed to go to yours on his own I reckon because he might tell you the truth.

I'd get mother a psych assessment. Seriously. How I don't know but she isn't in any way normal. And she doesn't love him either, she loves controlling his life.

Thing is when you are over 60, you don’t feel cold until it is very cold. You can quite literally die of hypothermia without ever feeling cold at all.

Where on Earth did you dig that up from @SpiritAdder?

I am in my 60s and I can assure you I feel the cold every bit as much as I ever did. We have our CH at a reasonably toasty level and I still wear bed socks and fill hot water bottles.

Barmy, isn’t it? If anything I feel the cold more the older I get. I love getting in bed with my electric blanket after I’ve left my chair with its heated throw. Getting in the car in winter is blissful with a heated seat.

@TheOriginalEmu - I wish you well with your treatment.
I have MS and my internal body temp regulation is shot, so I am coming at this from a position of always cold, sleep with an electric blanket even through the summer etc... if I get too cold, it could trigger a relapse. So, yeah, horses for courses, but as you say, if they are competent adults, it is their decision.

i hope you’re doing ok too! I can’t remember what being cold feels like, I feel like I live on the sun most days so that could be affecting how I see this, I’ll admit 😂

Where are you getting that she’s abusing him? Genuinely, nothing OP has said implies he can’t speak for himself.

Neglect is a form of abuse. It's extremely neglectful of his health needs to refuse to put the heating on. He is physically and emotionally vulnerable and she has very fixed views and needs which pay no heed at all to the health consequences for him, of her choices. There is a question about his vulnerability and whether he had capacity to challenge based on his needs, or has just been indoctrinated into her way of doing things over many years. Her actions are likely to shorten his life and may precipitate his death. He doesn't seem to have ant awareness of this at all. Or it's not worth standing up to her. Hope that helps.

Coercive control isn't just male to female, is it?

It's a form of abuse and your Dad's health is suffering. They need some straight talking. What is the temperature in the house. I agree with getting the GP involved.

There's a big difference between 9-11 degrees and 21 degrees. I'm menopausal so I could also no longer cope with 21 degrees, but I think any sane, sensible person would agree that 9-11 degrees is not a comfortable living temperature for anyone, let alone an old man fighting his second bout of pneumonia! I get the 'some people run hot' argument but this is just deranged.

Why don't you or one of your siblings invite your dad to stay with you for a week or two until he recovers? This way your mum does not deal w the heat and headaches and your dad can recover in a warm house.

Exactly. If 99% of his human contact is his wife and she gets angry and cries when challenged he will avoid that at all costs. Nobody wants to live with a sulker.

If it were your mum who was ill with pneumonia and your dad was making her ill, people would be saying he was being abusive. Your mum is making your dad ill and gaslighting him with being lovey dovey. Call social services to report your concerns. Likely they won't do anything, but at least it'll be recorded

I remember your previous thread, and particularly how your Mum would make a song and dance if you wore v warm clothing when you visited, dared to shiver etc. She expects everyone to tolerate the same low temp as her, and if you can't complains when you try and warm up. Any conversation about it results in her flying off the handle. I've got a mum like that, who uses her 'highly strungness' to control others because god forbid she gets upset.

No wonder your Dad insists he's happy freezing! If he says otherwise he'll have her tantruming to deal with. Poor sod.

But that’s what I don’t understand where does if say she’s coercing him? I’m genuinely baffled. This isn’t a male/female thing, it’s that I don’t see where op has said he is being controlled or that her mother is controlling him.

This isn’t a male/female thing, it’s that I don’t see where op has said he is being controlled or that her mother is controlling him.

I don't think Op does say that.

I think she has said that her mum creates a fuss if others aren't happy to have the house at 9°/11°.

Even if her dad doesn't feel cold you'd think for the sake of his health he would want the house a bit warmer.

Well she says her father will agree to anything her mother wants and:

The other thing is I think even if the GP said how important it was to DF, he wouldn't tell DM for fear she would be upset.

Fearing to report advice from the doctor because it goes against what she says is a pretty ugly state of affairs.

Over a couple of threads now the OP has painted the picture that both she and her father continually cave in to her mother's various demands to avoid her tantrums. She kicks up a stink with whoever doesn't do what she wants. That is coercive.