How to Persuade Parents to Put Heating on Due to DF's Pneumonia

[bigkahunaburger]

So I wrote a post a while back around Christmas time about a big fall out with my parents about not heating their home and getting the hump with me for being cold. I got a lot of great advice, but this is related but a different issue as its about my Dad not me.

So my DF is mid 70s and he has had a recent nasty bout of pneumonia, and he got better and now its come back and knocked him for six. My DPs have form for never putting the heating on, DM complains constantly of a headache when its on, and DF always defends her and claims he's fine, he's not cold etc (I really think he is but he is just appeasing her). DM is lovely to him - they are lovely to eat other - and fusses over him, especially now he's sick. Bringing him lovely meals, checking his oxygen levels and generally clucking round him etc. BUT the heating is never on, and all the windows are open and its positively baltic in there still. I believe that this caused the pneumonia, and even if it didn't it has certainly exacerbated and made him worse. I've talked to them endlessly about this (and DM gets VERY offended, defensive and upset - and then DF gets mad at me and defends her claiming he's fine and not cold). After I nagged her to promise she wouldn't have the heating below 21 and she did, I have purposely turned up unannounced, in the evening, and every time its baltic, and I have to keep my coat on and leave quite quickly.

My brother does the same, and he's really cross and thinks mum is selfish and the headaches are bullshit. DB wants me, him, and other DB to go round and do an 'intervention'. I do but I'm also wary cos DM tends to get really angry and cries, and then DF get super angry (he is an uber protective husband). I don't know what to do.

The latest is they are being smug and saying they read with pneumonia you need a cold dry home so they are right to do what they are doing. I can't find nothing that says anything of the sort. All materials state that yes dry - and a humidifier is a good idea - but COLD - absolutely not. I've sent her documents saying this. She has ignored me.

So, my AIBU is would an 'intervention' like my DB is suggesting be reasonable in this instance (we are VERY worried about how ill he is) and does anyone have any advice on how to get through to them?

Edit - I meant DF (as in Dear Father), I was thinking Dear Dad but just realised DD is Dear Daughter. Oops.

I remember your other thread @bigkahunaburger and that your mum was shouting at you for shivering and wearing too many clothes.

From your other thread, I think it sounds like your mum is masking some serious anxiety around the heating by using the 'headaches' thing. Whether that is gas explosion, carbon monoxide poisoning...

Can you get your dad alone to talk about what the 'headaches' and not feeling cold is really all about? I imagine he has been covering for your mum for so long, he probably believes it.

Has your mum had any mental health crises in the past that are scared of triggering? Could there have been any you are not aware of, or a family history?

I have to confess, I always prefer a colder house than most people - we have thermostats on our radiators, so I can have a room cooler to my preference and the heating on elsewhere for others’ needs. Do they have thermostats on their radiators so that just the room your DF is in can have the temperature increased? Or, as others have said, he has a heater with him where he is sitting?

Headaches with heating on can be dehydration too. So if OP's mum drank more if heating is on, she may be less likely to suffer headaches. I really can see both sides here. Differences in opinion over temperatures are very hard to shift as I know from the hugely polarised positions in our office at work. Personally I hardly ever feel the cold and have very good circulation. Other people have freezing cold hands when I'm in short sleeves and saying that I must go to the loo and take off my opaque tights as it's too warm! I think people must feel temperatures very differently.

Agree that people are comfortable in different temperatures. But I think we can all agree that 9c is objectively far too cold inside a house.

I would call adult social care. They will send someone to do an assessment. They were brilliant with my Nan when she was going through the exact same thing. Except she lived alone and insisted herself on no heating. After the lady had finished talking to her the heating was never below 21. An outsider is often the best thing.

Not here they won’t. You can’t get them to get involved in sorting out a care package for a self funder. They’re over stretched and under funded.

My mum was like this, even though she absolutely can afford to spend more on heating, she didn't want to. Almost like she'd read so many stories about pensioners in cold houses that she thought it must apply to her too.
It wasn't until she'd ended up in hospital with hypothermia that she was prepared to listen to us. And even then it took some persuading - I literally had to point out that her options were to spend a little more money or keep ending up in hospital, which she had complained about endlessly.
For elderly people with chest problems, the heating should ideally be at 18 in the daytime. But I don't know how you're going to persuade her without getting quite serious about the risk she's posing to your dad.

Can the gp or another health professional visit…or take your mum and dad to a go visit together, snd they explain to both of them the damage no heating is doing to your father’s health? Your mum isn’t going to listen to you and your dad won’t go against her, even 18 would be a step up!

www.asthmaandlung.org.uk/living-with/cold-weather#:~:text=Look%20after%20your%20lungs%20indoors,get%20help%20with%20food%20costs.

I think talking to the GP sounds like the best option. They might speak to him / her about it. Would your DM listen to a doctor?

So bit of an update.

Worried DB spoke to other DB and he thinks we are being dramatic, DPs house has always been cold and we are going into spring.
DF video called me with DM hovering, and chipping in saying how he's fine they've read all the research he's being well looked after, he knows I love him and am worried but now it's just becoming nagging. They were just off out for a walk which I think is mental.
So he basically politely told me to fuck off.

I'm a bit miffed that cos suddenly the other DB doesn't think this is a big deal then that's that. Who made him god?
Anyway I feel I've done my bit and can do no more. Now I don't have support from either DB anyway so it seems to have been decided to let it go, ugh.

Theres nothing else you can do really OP. I couldn't watch though. I'd be telling your mother that you can't watch her abuse your dad anymore and you wish them well and no L/NC. Let your siblings deal with them from now on.

Thats really hard - I think your Mum is abusing your Dad, and he's going along with it to keep the peace, and it's become a control issue now, she's not going to give in to you, and won't let your Dad either.

Your brothers have maybe decided that she'll never change so no point. You've done all you can, and it's causing your Dad distress now. He has competency and hard as it is, if he won't insist on the house being warm for his well being, there's little you can do.

I agree with pps who say they might listen to a health care professional. I think you should contact his GP, so when he's next in with them, he can be advised that he needs to be warm when recovering. If he ends up in hospital, you can talk to his team about the need to insist that his home is warm.

It's so sad that your mum doesn't recognise the damage she's doing to her family, in addition to your fathers health. I think you need to cut visits very short, or ask them to visit you in your home. I couldn't watch my verybsick Dad suffer in the cold either.

I think the time to worry about your mother getting upset is past - and it's all very well other posters saying that as your parents have capacity you have to leave them to it but given all you've said about them, particularly your mother, over two threads, I think their capacity is in doubt. I like a cool house too but 9-11 degrees is ridiculous in their case. The man has pnuemonia for God's sake! How does forcing him to live in a 9 degree house demonstrate capacity?! It doesn't, quite the opposite in fact, especially when you add in the other factors such as food and fridge control etc.

Unfortunately older people are very good at putting on a front in the short term and can seem perfectly normal when there's all sorts of serious bullshit going on behind closed doors (I speak from experience, both my own family and working with an old people's charity).

They're clearly not going to listen to you and let's be honest, your brothers' support probably doesn't matter because your parents are unlikely to take any notice of them either. Do contact their GP - while legally they cannot discuss anything with you, decent doctors do posess a certain amount of common sense and will take what you're saying into consideration. Also do contact the adult safeguarding department through social services, and be firm. Don't just let it go because you are right, your father's health is in jeopardy here.

I personally tend to go for the blunt approach and probably wouldn't hesitate to state clearly to my parents that this is abuse and if your father doesn't recover from this you will most definitely hold your mother responsible but honestly it sounds like there are some pretty fucked up dynamics in your family that will make it very difficult for you to do this.

Has your mum ever used heating & not constantly had windows open?

It's all very well your brother saying that they are used to a cold house but your father is currently ill.

What was manageable/survivable when you're younger isn't necessarily so when you are in your 70s!

Still, if your father is adamant I agree that there is little to be done.

Presumably he knows that for the sake of his health he should be in a warmer house but doesn't want to upset your mum-even temporarily.

That's actually (imo) a bloody stupid decision & does hint towards not wanting the scene/drama/fallout that would follow.

I wouldn’t worry about the walk @bigkahunaburger. It’s warmer outside than it is in today!

What did you say back to him?

Honestly I'd be minded to say well, if you won't stand up for your health and you won't let me do it for you then fingers crossed you make it through the 5 mornings at 0 degrees next week. And hang up.

OP - your mother sounds incredibly controlling and it's worrying that she's so oblivious to the effect the cold has on your sick father. The thing you mentioned about the fridge reminded me very much of my recently departed MIL who, until about 2 years ago, would not even let me make a cup of tea in her kitchen. I wasn't allowed to open the fridge, she would hand me out the milk when I was eventually allowed to boil the kettle "on my own". Her house was freezing too, and I'm pretty sure that this eventually contributed to her death in January this year when the outside temp was -4.
I was wondering if your mother always "hovers" when you talk to your dad, either in person or on the phone?

It must be very frustrating for you Op that neither of them seem to care about your father's health.

Your mother is obsessed about having things her way above all else perhaps to the point that she exaggerates headaches & your father goes along with it to his own detriment.

What a dynamic!

Yes it must be difficult to have sympathy after a while.

We are having lovely weather atm but still waking up to frosts!

I think we may have snow forecast for the end of the week!
(North Germany)

The headaches probably aren’t bullshit. If they’ve never had the heating on, then the radiators must be chok full of dust and cobwebs all behind and inside them. Turning on the heat will set off that hot dust smell which many people to react to with hay fever symptoms, asthma attacks and headaches.

I would clean all the radiators, give DM anti-histamines and then turn the heat on.

I agree that they are conspiring to neglect DF’s health. You can’t get better from pneumonia in an unheated home. There have already been 4,950 elderly die this winter of 24/25 due to lack of heat in their homes, don’t let him become a statistic.

Thing is when you are over 60, you don’t feel cold until it is very cold. You can quite literally die of hypothermia without ever feeling cold at all.

I read your update OP and there’s not much you can do. My DF was similarly stubborn about his drinking and it was alcohol that killed him in the end. It’s hard but some people just don’t care enough about their own health and nothing you do can make them care.

I would be doing a social services referal about a vulnerable adult and that you feel the behaviour is abuse at this point.

Be very clear they need to speak to your Ddad alone.

I’d let them get on with it. You can’t do anything about it and you’ll just piss them off.

The elderly often get like this with heating I’ve been out to houses that are literally perishing but the families have tried and failed to help so you aren’t alone.

So sorry to read this OP, and your update. I sympathise but I don’t know what you can do. We FaceTime my in-laws every week (300 miles away, health issues include 1x early stage dementia and the other with heart problems) and I can see they’re wearing at least a thick jumper, something underneath it, and body warmers. Probably vests too. Apparently they’re “not cold” and don't need the heating on, but our experience at Christmas was quite different. This time last year - and I have no reason to believe their situation has changed - they were saving a four figure sum each month. I nag every week but there’s little we can do.