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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH stopping me having time for myself

173 replies

Prekomom · 08/03/2025 16:24

So DH and I have 2 beautiful dc. They are fairly young and demanding and as DH has a demanding job and I’m a SAHM we both don’t get much time for ourself. To counter this, he suggested we spend time for ourselves on the weekend. I was not particularly for this as I’d rather use that time to spend with dc as a family. But as he was miserable during our time together on the weekend anyways, I thought we might as well try it. He would get half the day and then on the night I would get time to do what I wanted. Fast forward, he had 6 hours out the house even though it was grocery day leaving me to run around like a headless chicken running to the store by myself with the kids (isn’t particularly relevant but it did annoy me as he could’ve started his time after a shop.) I then took them to a play centre for the day and met up with another mom and her children so the kids had a great day and come the night they would be satisfied. When I came home, DH immediately suggests to oldest dc let’s go to arcade and play there. I wasn’t too upset, definitely not enough to crush rain on her parade but I just think it’s so calculated. During his time he wanted nothing to do with us. He waited until my time to want to spend time together as a family. Then in the evening, after a long hard day, dc1 didn’t spend long at the arcade as she was already tired, came back and slept and DH also swiftly went into the room leaving me with dc2. I got no time to myself despite our agreement, I didn’t even get to read a book or paint my nails. Yes, this whole agreement is silly anyways as the kids need to spend time as a family unit and moreover it’s just a ploy for him to get a time out and me to stay home like I always do. How do I get him to see it’s not fair I never get a break?

OP posts:

ohyesido · 08/03/2025 16:26

So what he actually meant was he wants to disappear by himself for hours with no recourse

nachocheese · 08/03/2025 16:28

Next weekend you go out first.

outerspacepotato · 08/03/2025 16:28

Could you not tell he was bullshitting you when he said you would have your six hours of me time at night?

Tell him you're out for the day and leave him to it.

Original poster

Prekomom · 08/03/2025 16:30

ohyesido · 08/03/2025 16:26

So what he actually meant was he wants to disappear by himself for hours with no recourse

Exactly. I don’t think when he made this deal he had any real intention of watching the kids by himself.

OP posts:

NerrSnerr · 08/03/2025 16:32

What are your plans for tomorrow? Could you go out tomorrow? What time did he go out today? Next week could one of you go to the supermarket alone before the other one goes out (but make sure he doesn't count that as your time to yourself)

CoffeeBeansGalore · 08/03/2025 16:33

So you have 6 hours tomorrow.

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 08/03/2025 16:33

So he had today. Tomorrow you get up and dressed and around 10am say “ok I’m having my me time now. I’ll be home around 4, have fun with the kids!”

and walk out. If you have to go walk round the shops or sit in a cafe with a book. Just get out and refuse any suggestion you should get “me time” at night.

If he gets the daytime one day, you get the next.

IsitaHatOrACat · 08/03/2025 16:33

Not the point but why was grocery day today when you're a SAHM?

Do you get any time to yourself in the week? If not, get to and take your 6 hours first thing tomorrow or next Saturday

Teenagerantruns · 08/03/2025 16:33

Why did you go to the arcade? I would have waved them all off and relaxed.

PoodleJ · 08/03/2025 16:35

It’s not a bad suggestion in theory. You both need to speak with each other to plan the time better so that you both get time together as a family and some time to be alone/able to have free time.
Don’t make it into a row about what happened last time, make a plan for next time so that you both get what you need.

PullTheBricksDown · 08/03/2025 16:35

nachocheese · 08/03/2025 16:28

Next weekend you go out first.

This. The only way to make it work is you get your time in first. Then you can suggest family time when you return 🙂

harriethoyle · 08/03/2025 16:35

Alternate who gets the day and who gets the night. Or Saturday for him, Sunday for you. It’s really simple 🤷🏻‍♀️

Dolambslikemintsauce · 08/03/2025 16:35

Be up and out tomorrow...
Alone.

Gliblet · 08/03/2025 16:35

Either tomorrow or next weekend put a book in your handbag, get the kids breakfasted and nicely awake for the day, then grab your keys and go out for 6 hours. Doesn't matter where - library, coffee shop, shopping centre, museum... Phone on silent, he can cope. When you get home, remind him it was his idea. If he no longer likes his idea he can suggest something else.

If he's a real shit about it point out that post-divorce he'd have them 50/50 without your help.

Original poster

Prekomom · 08/03/2025 16:36

CoffeeBeansGalore · 08/03/2025 16:33

So you have 6 hours tomorrow.

I should have mentioned tomorrow dc and I are meeting my friend again and going on a play date. DH will not be attending I don’t think. I wouldn’t expect him to. So he’ll have another day to chill or as he calls it catch up with things around the house.

OP posts:

blubberyboo · 08/03/2025 16:36

Yea you need to tell him now that you haven't had your 6 hours yet so you are taking them tomorrow or else it will be 12 hours next week.

Get the boundaries established on week 1

As for family time ...well you have sunday for that and try do grocery shop thru the week

gamerchick · 08/03/2025 16:37

You go first next time.

He's going to sabotage you anyway. Ask him why he lied about the arrangement. Use the word lied.

Cerialkiller · 08/03/2025 16:39

I agree you need to be more assertive here.

What did you do/say when he didn't 'give' you your time? Was he expecting you to take it and when you didn't assumed it wasn't happening? You sound very passive here? Do you have reason to worry about confronting him?

Anyway. Yes to the pp. Either get up and dressed tomorrow and just leave with a casual bye to everyone.

Or, discuss what happened with DH and if he says you'll try again next week sat ok but you will go first as it's your turn.

It's not really fair for only him to get the day anyway. It's warmer, more things will be open and at night you'll be tired.

Sunshineandgrapefruit · 08/03/2025 16:39

So talk to him tonight. Say it didn't go as you envisaged. Maybe when he got back that when you should have gone out, or he should have taken all the kids to the arcade and left you to it?

arethereanyleftatall · 08/03/2025 16:45

I expect the only way you would actually get your hours is if you go out. Or if he takes both kids out.

He 'owes' you 6 hours.

It's actually quite important that you take it, otherwise the pattern is set.

If you're going out tomorrow with both kids, then he's getting even more time to himself.

Add that to your tally.

So next weekend, you have 6 +x hours. I would walk to a yoga class, get a beauty treatment and meet friends for lunch/dinner.

arethereanyleftatall · 08/03/2025 16:46

But also, why didn't he just take the kids to the arcade himself? Why did you go?

NerrSnerr · 08/03/2025 16:47

Why didn't you get your time to yourself this afternoon if it was already planned that he was getting time to himself tomorrow?

What time are you meeting your friend? You could go out before or after?

NerrSnerr · 08/03/2025 16:47

arethereanyleftatall · 08/03/2025 16:46

But also, why didn't he just take the kids to the arcade himself? Why did you go?

This is a very good point as well.

PullTheBricksDown · 08/03/2025 16:47

Prekomom · 08/03/2025 16:36

Show quote history

Are you meeting in the morning? If so then when you're finished I'd take the kids home, hand them over, and say you're going for your me time now.

Imbusytodaysorry · 08/03/2025 16:48

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 08/03/2025 16:33

So he had today. Tomorrow you get up and dressed and around 10am say “ok I’m having my me time now. I’ll be home around 4, have fun with the kids!”

and walk out. If you have to go walk round the shops or sit in a cafe with a book. Just get out and refuse any suggestion you should get “me time” at night.

If he gets the daytime one day, you get the next.

This !
And not to call unless it’s life or death.

Oh and you expect a roast dinner when you get back @Prekomom

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