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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH stopping me having time for myself

173 replies

Prekomom · 08/03/2025 16:24

So DH and I have 2 beautiful dc. They are fairly young and demanding and as DH has a demanding job and I’m a SAHM we both don’t get much time for ourself. To counter this, he suggested we spend time for ourselves on the weekend. I was not particularly for this as I’d rather use that time to spend with dc as a family. But as he was miserable during our time together on the weekend anyways, I thought we might as well try it. He would get half the day and then on the night I would get time to do what I wanted. Fast forward, he had 6 hours out the house even though it was grocery day leaving me to run around like a headless chicken running to the store by myself with the kids (isn’t particularly relevant but it did annoy me as he could’ve started his time after a shop.) I then took them to a play centre for the day and met up with another mom and her children so the kids had a great day and come the night they would be satisfied. When I came home, DH immediately suggests to oldest dc let’s go to arcade and play there. I wasn’t too upset, definitely not enough to crush rain on her parade but I just think it’s so calculated. During his time he wanted nothing to do with us. He waited until my time to want to spend time together as a family. Then in the evening, after a long hard day, dc1 didn’t spend long at the arcade as she was already tired, came back and slept and DH also swiftly went into the room leaving me with dc2. I got no time to myself despite our agreement, I didn’t even get to read a book or paint my nails. Yes, this whole agreement is silly anyways as the kids need to spend time as a family unit and moreover it’s just a ploy for him to get a time out and me to stay home like I always do. How do I get him to see it’s not fair I never get a break?

OP posts:
Errorcreatingusername · 08/03/2025 17:53
  1. when DH suggested going to the arcade I’d say ‘that’s a great idea! I’m off out though remember for me time. So have fun and send me some pics.
  2. next weekend mention, in advance you are going out for ‘me time’ even if you go sit alone in a coffee shop, go out!!
  3. the weekend after would be I go out through the day now you do evenings. I’ve made plans
Cucy · 08/03/2025 17:59

Do you actually want time by yourself?

Its ok if you’d rather have time as a family.

I’m wondering why you didn’t just get DH to take both DC to the arcade without you.

Original poster
Prekomom · 08/03/2025 18:03

Cucy · 08/03/2025 17:59

Do you actually want time by yourself?

Its ok if you’d rather have time as a family.

I’m wondering why you didn’t just get DH to take both DC to the arcade without you.

Yes. I certainly need it for self care purposes. Catching up with friends would be great too. Although truthfully, I probably don’t as much as my DH. I enjoy being around my kids. Half the day away from them seems excessive. Maybe just because I’ve never done it before haha.

OP posts:
LatteLady · 08/03/2025 18:04

Actually @Prekomom, the only one stopping you from having time to yourself is you. If you really wanted some time, you would have skipped gaily off to a salon, a library, a cafe, a museum when he came back. You are as entitled to time on your own as he is BUT if you do not claim it, you will not get it. So woman up and get booking and put it on the family calendar.

Nofrogslegs · 08/03/2025 18:05

Maybe trying to each do alone time won’t work every weekend. Why not try alternate weekends, so he had his time this weekend. You have a few hours next weekend and so on. Will still leave plenty time for family time that way but still gives you both a bit of breathing space every couple of weeks

Original poster
Prekomom · 08/03/2025 18:07

LatteLady · 08/03/2025 18:04

Actually @Prekomom, the only one stopping you from having time to yourself is you. If you really wanted some time, you would have skipped gaily off to a salon, a library, a cafe, a museum when he came back. You are as entitled to time on your own as he is BUT if you do not claim it, you will not get it. So woman up and get booking and put it on the family calendar.

I wouldn’t say that’s entirely accurate but definitely agree with your point. I dont really want to fight tooth and nail with DH to get time to myself. Nor do I want to play who gets stuck with the kids like they’re a disease. It’s why I didn’t just leave when he came home and suggested all of us go to the arcade. I didn’t want them catching wind of our pettiness.

OP posts:
IDontDrinkTea · 08/03/2025 18:07

Sorry, the person who has stopped you having time to yourself here is you. All you needed to do is say “no DC, I can’t come to the arcade as I’m going to the gym / the pub / wherever you intended to go” and then follow through by leaving.

Next weekend you need to make sure you actually leave when it’s your turn

Didimum · 08/03/2025 18:08

Sorry, OP, you married a bad one.

biscuitsandbooks · 08/03/2025 18:10

Prekomom · 08/03/2025 18:07

I wouldn’t say that’s entirely accurate but definitely agree with your point. I dont really want to fight tooth and nail with DH to get time to myself. Nor do I want to play who gets stuck with the kids like they’re a disease. It’s why I didn’t just leave when he came home and suggested all of us go to the arcade. I didn’t want them catching wind of our pettiness.

Show quote history

But all you needed to do was say "sorry Susie, I'm off to do X but daddy will take you and you can tell me all about it when you get back!".

It's not "fighting tooth and nail" to let your DH take his own kids out while you do your own thing. You chose to go out with them - that's on you, not him.

Moonnstars · 08/03/2025 18:11

Prekomom · 08/03/2025 17:37

Dc wanted me there. The arcade is traditionally a place we are used to going together. And I make play dates on the weekends as dc can play with friends then. This new agreement troubled me because I didn’t want them to suffer because of it. Less time for their fun etc. I would never stoop as making sure I got time to match DH’s and they couldn’t do anything fun on the weekend or socialise. 1 day for us parents seemed reasonable.

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Just because you usually go to the arcade doesn't mean you have to go every time. You just tell them daddy is taking you!
Also seeing friends every weekend is excessive, I assume they are school aged and see friends then?

Sgreenpy · 08/03/2025 18:12

How old are your children? Are they at school/nursery/playgroup?
Tbh I don't think it's unreasonable for your husband to ask for some time for himself at the weekends, particularly if he's working full time.
Why do the big shop on a weekend? There's online shopping or much quieter times to do it in the week as a SAHM.
Your husband does need to do some childcare too - perhaps he can do bath&bed on weeknights whilst you go out to a class/bookclub etc.

Moonnstars · 08/03/2025 18:13

Prekomom · 08/03/2025 18:07

I wouldn’t say that’s entirely accurate but definitely agree with your point. I dont really want to fight tooth and nail with DH to get time to myself. Nor do I want to play who gets stuck with the kids like they’re a disease. It’s why I didn’t just leave when he came home and suggested all of us go to the arcade. I didn’t want them catching wind of our pettiness.

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But I expect you take the children out on your own a lot (tomorrow for example). I am not sure why telling your children you weren't going to the arcade was petty. Mum is busy, dad will take you, tell me about it when you get home. End of.

TartanMammy · 08/03/2025 18:13

Leave the kids with him tomorrow and go and see your friend on her own. Even better if your friend can leave her DC too, have a nice grown up lunch.
If you don't change this early on it will never change.

JustWalkingTheDogs · 08/03/2025 18:16

Why didn't you leave the shopping and housework for him to do tomorrow?

Also, when you get home tomorrow from your play date, shove the kids through the door and leave him to it .

MuggleMe · 08/03/2025 18:17

Perhaps Saturdays are for you to alternate and Sundays are for family.

LatteLady · 08/03/2025 18:18

Prekomom · 08/03/2025 18:07

I wouldn’t say that’s entirely accurate but definitely agree with your point. I dont really want to fight tooth and nail with DH to get time to myself. Nor do I want to play who gets stuck with the kids like they’re a disease. It’s why I didn’t just leave when he came home and suggested all of us go to the arcade. I didn’t want them catching wind of our pettiness.

Show quote history

You need to do what sales people call an "assumptive close." This means when he comes back or when it comes to the appointed hour, you say breezily, looking at your watch, "Well that's me off out now, should be back around X time, have a lovely time with dad, kids!" And, off you go, do not get embroiled in invites to the arcade, the park, the swimming pool; this is his time with his kids, this is his time to get to know them better... if, God forbid you had an accident and were in hospital, he would have to step up... you are just making sure he is adequately prepared.

Yummydindins123 · 08/03/2025 18:19

Maybe I have a different perspective too as I am in the thick of it with young children too but I’m on mat leave. It’s quite stressful for you both and it’s really hard work. You haven’t shared what you both do the rest of the week and I am sure it’s been mega busy. What has worked for us is although it might seem unfair is that some weeks can be more stressful than others. We share what our stresses have been during the week, like for me being up all night with all 3 and not getting a break all day. My DH shares what’s going on at work and in some circumstances it’s been horrific so him having some downtime to himself really helps him off load, and likewise for me. It’s just an open conversation, seeing things need to be always equal like x amount of hours per day/ week it’s very realistic and doesn’t allow for flexibility for young kids. It would only cause disappointment. Teh not to be tut for tat and that only ends up in rows…. Sharing my own experience and this helped us to love forward and respect each other more.

SleepingStandingUp · 08/03/2025 18:26

ttcat37 · 08/03/2025 17:33

I’m not sure what’s difficult here? You say to him, “you had 6 hours today, so I’m out 6 hours tomorrow. The kids have a play date with X at Y o’clock”. And then you go out for your 6 hours.
You can’t complain that you’re not getting time out the house alone if you don’t go out the house alone.

How impressed would your friend be if you planned a play date with her and then your belligerent husband turned up instead?

Fagli · 08/03/2025 18:28

Tot up the hours you haven’t been able to use and bank them in a few months time for a weekend away with your friends. The children will get some proper quality time with their father and you can have a proper break.

OuiLaLa · 08/03/2025 18:30

I am familiar with this battle, as are many others - but honestly I would have said he couldn’t have the time today if I was taking them out tomorrow. I would have told him his time was when I had something already planned.

plus I would be making much more of a point about ‘are you rested/feeling better’ and when he inevitably says ‘no’ just point out he has had his break so now has to get in with it and be fully involved!

its much easier when you both work because you can point out that time at work is your break away from the kids.

I try and do smaller breaks (shops, dog walk, activities etc) now. Or a longer day when visiting. He gets that time and nothing more.

WimbyAce · 08/03/2025 18:37

6 hours seems a lot every week. Also I can't see how you are ever gonna get 6 hours in the evenings. If your kids are little than it's the worst time of day tbh, what are you gonna do, shut yourself in a room and ignore them?

DollydaydreamTheThird · 08/03/2025 18:41

Prekomom · 08/03/2025 16:36

I should have mentioned tomorrow dc and I are meeting my friend again and going on a play date. DH will not be attending I don’t think. I wouldn’t expect him to. So he’ll have another day to chill or as he calls it catch up with things around the house.

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You're not really helping yourself here OP. He is already getting plenty of time on his own but the sounds of it. Grow a backbone and get him told!

Everydayimhuffling · 08/03/2025 18:42

So next weekend you say, it's my turn and leave for 6 hours on the Saturday. If it was me, I would also send him off with the kids on Sunday. That might be too petty for you though.

TunnocksOrDeath · 08/03/2025 18:42

I don't understand why you didn't just leave him to it at the time that was agreed that "your time" would begin. Grab your keys, out the door, have a fun time everyone, Mummy has some errands to run (in a quiet coffee shop with a good book).
Literally anything that you could do for your two kids by yourself could be done by him, if he has to.
If he tries leaving you with one of the kids and disappearing with the other one, then he should be calmly reminded of the logistics.

butterpuffed · 08/03/2025 18:43

I enjoy being around my kids. Half the day away from them seems excessive. Maybe just because I’ve never done it before haha.

As you went with them to the arcade , and are taking them out tomorrow for the second day running , when you actually didn't /don't need to do that , it doesn't really seem like you want time to yourself .

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