Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Original poster

DH stopping me having time for myself

173 replies

Prekomom · 08/03/2025 16:24

So DH and I have 2 beautiful dc. They are fairly young and demanding and as DH has a demanding job and I’m a SAHM we both don’t get much time for ourself. To counter this, he suggested we spend time for ourselves on the weekend. I was not particularly for this as I’d rather use that time to spend with dc as a family. But as he was miserable during our time together on the weekend anyways, I thought we might as well try it. He would get half the day and then on the night I would get time to do what I wanted. Fast forward, he had 6 hours out the house even though it was grocery day leaving me to run around like a headless chicken running to the store by myself with the kids (isn’t particularly relevant but it did annoy me as he could’ve started his time after a shop.) I then took them to a play centre for the day and met up with another mom and her children so the kids had a great day and come the night they would be satisfied. When I came home, DH immediately suggests to oldest dc let’s go to arcade and play there. I wasn’t too upset, definitely not enough to crush rain on her parade but I just think it’s so calculated. During his time he wanted nothing to do with us. He waited until my time to want to spend time together as a family. Then in the evening, after a long hard day, dc1 didn’t spend long at the arcade as she was already tired, came back and slept and DH also swiftly went into the room leaving me with dc2. I got no time to myself despite our agreement, I didn’t even get to read a book or paint my nails. Yes, this whole agreement is silly anyways as the kids need to spend time as a family unit and moreover it’s just a ploy for him to get a time out and me to stay home like I always do. How do I get him to see it’s not fair I never get a break?

OP posts:

ttcat37 · 08/03/2025 17:33

I’m not sure what’s difficult here? You say to him, “you had 6 hours today, so I’m out 6 hours tomorrow. The kids have a play date with X at Y o’clock”. And then you go out for your 6 hours.
You can’t complain that you’re not getting time out the house alone if you don’t go out the house alone.

aloris · 08/03/2025 17:34

The first thing you need to do is write down how much time each of you had to yourself and when and what each person was doing.

Also, if his time to himself is in the daytimes, but your time to yourself is scheduled at nighttime (when the kids probably go to bed at 8 pm anyway), then there is already an injustice built into the system. Not sure how you missed that or why you agreed to it. A fairer way to do this would be for you to have alternate weekends off: you get Saturday on week 1, he gets Saturday on week 2. (If you try to alternate days off, and he gets Saturday while you get Sunday, you'll quickly find that on Sunday half the places you want to go are closed, your friends are all at Sunday brunch with their families so there's no one for you to hang out with, and that he'll always need to mow the lawn on Sundays which requires you to be in the house minding the kids. Don't fall for this trick. Saturdays are almost always the more valuable day off and you should definitely alternate who gets Saturdays off).

CheeseFiend40 · 08/03/2025 17:37

Why are you being so passive with this?
So when he said he gets Saturday day time to himself, you say well that’s grocery day so obviously either me or you will go do the shop first before you go out. (Why you’re doing a shop on a Saturday at all is beyond me, do an evening delivery or a click and collect in the week)
Then when it came to your time in the evening and he says to the kids, let’s go to the arcade, you say - sounds great, have a lovely time, see you all later! And enjoy your alone time!

Cucy · 08/03/2025 17:37

There needs to be stricter rules about how much time each one can take.

I would just alternate it, as having half the day is going to keep causing problems.

Every Saturday alternate days to yourselves and Sunday have as family days.

Original poster

Prekomom · 08/03/2025 17:37

biscuitsandbooks · 08/03/2025 17:31

I don't understand why a) you went along to the arcade with them instead of having some time alone and b) why you keep arranging to take the kids out at weekends knowing it leaves him home alone?

It makes no sense.

Dc wanted me there. The arcade is traditionally a place we are used to going together. And I make play dates on the weekends as dc can play with friends then. This new agreement troubled me because I didn’t want them to suffer because of it. Less time for their fun etc. I would never stoop as making sure I got time to match DH’s and they couldn’t do anything fun on the weekend or socialise. 1 day for us parents seemed reasonable.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 08/03/2025 17:38

Next weekend you take out 6 hours on the Saturday, it's all you can do then Sunday is a family day.

NerrSnerr · 08/03/2025 17:40

@Prekomom they can have fun with their dad and they would have fun with their dad in the arcade (unless he's really useless).

biscuitsandbooks · 08/03/2025 17:40

Prekomom · 08/03/2025 17:37

Show quote history

Children don't always have to get what they want.

Honestly, it sounds like you're sabotaging yourself. Your children don't need two full days of play dates at the weekend. If you insist on filling their time with activities you can't then complain that you have no time alone...

onetwothreefourfive11 · 08/03/2025 17:41

So now he wanted you there
He broke the agreement

So you need to announce to him when you will also dictate your 6 hours off

Play him at his own game
Selfish man.

onetwothreefourfive11 · 08/03/2025 17:42

@biscuitsandbooks is also right.

KindnessIsKey123 · 08/03/2025 17:43

My husband and I share Saturdays and it works extremely well.

It is however a bit of a different agreement to yours. Basically, we do two hours minimum, and if you need to come back because you’re tired or it just doesn’t work out then that is fine. My husband takes our son out for a coffee and to do a few jobs and things on a Saturday morning.

And I take him out on a Saturday afternoon usually to meet a friend at a soft play for a couple of hours. Sometimes it’s longer than the two hours, and that’s a bonus. It doesn’t happen every single week, but three out of 4 weeks in the month we do that. If we can’t do it on a Saturday we try to fit it in on a Sunday.
I think six hours as perhaps a bit too long. But it’s easy to get them out the house for a couple of hours so perhaps suggest that that.

hope this helps

BellissimoGecko · 08/03/2025 17:43

If you are having the dc all day tomorrow, why on earth didn't h have then as his day?

He sounds shitty.

Also, do an online shop! Don't waste your time dragging the dc round the shops.

pikkumyy77 · 08/03/2025 17:44

Also the problem you are having is that one of your goals is to make sure the children are entertained (playdates/soft play) and fed (groceries). He doesn’t care about that and won’t do it on “his” time. You can’t expect him to do what you would do with his time with the family—he is a lazy and selfish bastard. All if your parenting and family work is invisible to him.

You can and should take a daytime six hours (though you might choose 3 and 3 on the same day if that suits you more. Like 3 hours from dinner/cleanup/bath and bed. Only come back when the kuds are asleep) But I would propose that you make a “must do” weekend chore sheet so he is clear that his time as parent on duty includes laundry or grocery or child support time just as your does. If he is out for his me time you should not be doing family chores which otherwise he would do.

zoemum2006 · 08/03/2025 17:45

I think you might have a marriage problem. Your Dh doesn’t want to spend time with you.

gollyimholly · 08/03/2025 17:47

Hi OP, that's frustrating. Did you have a chat with DH about how you lost out on your time?
DH and I do something similar and we put it in our shared calendar and make sure to honour it. On the weekends, we alternate a half day on a Sunday. So this weekend would be my half a day on Sunday, next weekend is DH's half a day. And they can choose to do whatever they want with that time.

biscuitsandbooks · 08/03/2025 17:48

I'm also wondering why, as a SAHM, you don't do an online shop to be delivered through the week? Why are you dragging two young kids to the supermarket on a Saturday morning and then complaining about it?

Stop orchestrating your own downfall.

arethereanyleftatall · 08/03/2025 17:49

dc wanted me there

'Actually darling, I really fancy a long bath in peace tonight, you go and enjoy yourself with daddy.'

biscuitsandbooks · 08/03/2025 17:50

arethereanyleftatall · 08/03/2025 17:49

dc wanted me there

'Actually darling, I really fancy a long bath in peace tonight, you go and enjoy yourself with daddy.'

Exactly.

As my parents always used to say - "I want doesn't get"

SleepingStandingUp · 08/03/2025 17:50

So when you got back from the arcade, you should have said right now I'm off, see you later.

How long is tomorrow's play date? What time too from? Drop them home, open the door and call him and say right I'm off for my time, bye.

He knows you won't push it so he gets to keep being a dick

WarmthAndDepth · 08/03/2025 17:50

When posters chime in with "Why don't you just...?" or "You need to...!" in response to a post detailing a blatantly unfair arrangement like this, it kind of misses the point that there are definitely much deeper underlying dynamics at play. Maybe you need to have lived it to 'get' that just switching things up very likely isn't an option for the OP without risking a shit storm of sabotage, blame and studious incompetence. It ought to be the way to go, but men who treat the mothers of their DC like this aren't really interested in levelling the field. If he shows his indifference to this extent, there's very little the OP can do to fix things. Oh, if it were only easier for women shackled to shitty partners to just walk out and start again on their own, free from all that crap.

biscuitsandbooks · 08/03/2025 17:51

It doesn't actually read as "blatantly unfair" to me though @WarmthAndDepth - it reads as though OP is sabotaging herself by filling her weekend with unnecessary playdates and trips to the supermarket and arcade, then complaining that she has no free time.

Gonk123 · 08/03/2025 17:52

Why do t you have your shopping delivered?
peeps you could make arrangements with a friend and do something g rather than painting your nails at home or you’ll never get time to yourself. Surely it would e better to get a babysitter and spend time together as a couple without the kids now and again too…

SleepingStandingUp · 08/03/2025 17:53

zoemum2006 · 08/03/2025 17:45

I think you might have a marriage problem. Your Dh doesn’t want to spend time with you.

This.

He's miserable when he's with his family. How sustainable is that without damage?

pandapopadance · 08/03/2025 17:53

Why did you leave your shopping until the weekend when you're a stay at home mum?
You didn't need to go to the arcade. You could have said no. I think you need to talk to each other.

LovelyLeitrim · 08/03/2025 17:53

Prekomom · 08/03/2025 17:37

Show quote history

Well tell the DC no!

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7