DH stopping me having time for myself

[Prekomom]

So DH and I have 2 beautiful dc. They are fairly young and demanding and as DH has a demanding job and I’m a SAHM we both don’t get much time for ourself. To counter this, he suggested we spend time for ourselves on the weekend. I was not particularly for this as I’d rather use that time to spend with dc as a family. But as he was miserable during our time together on the weekend anyways, I thought we might as well try it. He would get half the day and then on the night I would get time to do what I wanted. Fast forward, he had 6 hours out the house even though it was grocery day leaving me to run around like a headless chicken running to the store by myself with the kids (isn’t particularly relevant but it did annoy me as he could’ve started his time after a shop.) I then took them to a play centre for the day and met up with another mom and her children so the kids had a great day and come the night they would be satisfied. When I came home, DH immediately suggests to oldest dc let’s go to arcade and play there. I wasn’t too upset, definitely not enough to crush rain on her parade but I just think it’s so calculated. During his time he wanted nothing to do with us. He waited until my time to want to spend time together as a family. Then in the evening, after a long hard day, dc1 didn’t spend long at the arcade as she was already tired, came back and slept and DH also swiftly went into the room leaving me with dc2. I got no time to myself despite our agreement, I didn’t even get to read a book or paint my nails. Yes, this whole agreement is silly anyways as the kids need to spend time as a family unit and moreover it’s just a ploy for him to get a time out and me to stay home like I always do. How do I get him to see it’s not fair I never get a break?

How do I get him to see it’s not fair I never get a break?

You open your mouth and tell him!

Honestly how did you have 2 kids together when you can't even have a simple conversation. And he already knows its not fair but as long as you are not challenging him on it, he's going to keep taking the P. Stand up for yourself for God's sake.

This, I'm really confused why his suggestion meant you didn't get time alone.

Just cancel your friend and go out tomorrow

You have to punish him NOW or this will be your life forever

Honestly I'd arrange the lunch today so I could take off at 2 and return at 8 (or similar) . What a pisstake. I ended up getting time for myself doing work travel and going out weekend mornings sometimes, and one hobby thing one evening a week, when DC were young. Otherwise if you're just around, you're there, and it's hard to get any at all.
Now they are teens and sometimes they need very little but sometimes they suddenly need a lot, and it can be hard to get time again.

Hang on, did you actually go to the arcade with them, if so why?

And if not, why didn’t you say “great, you’ll need to take DC2 too so I can get my time to myself”.

This is on you. Stop being a martyr.

Can’t you arrange to go out with friends in the evening? Drinks and dinner

If you were meeting your friend tomorrow and going on a play date, why did you not arrange his half day alone time for tomorrow, so it coincided with you being out of the house?

You are choosing to be a doormat here OP, letting him have half a day then letting him have the house to himself while he is doing absolutely fuck all to give you a break is just ridiculous, and it seems like you are volunteering for this arrangement?

Better to do it every other weekend instead of- next Saturday you go out for 6 hours

As a long term sahm there is a tendency for the weekends to become "family time" meaning that the Dad never parents by himself depending on what time he usually comes home from work during the week. He is never the default parent and so cannot fully understand needing a poo with an active toddler to look after. It really does make them appreciate the endless slog of it.

How we did it, Dh got a lie in on a Saturday because he had worked 5 days straight. I got the same lie in on a Sunday. He would parent the children one on one then one on two as we had 2 children and he would never let them disturb me. As they got older they went out for breakfast calling it a "boys' breakfast" as they are all male. Dh would make me a delicious breakfast/brunch/lunch on his return.

We tag teamed because it can be relentless and exhausting with young children so each of us would ask can I just have half an hour and one of us would tap out. This was never a piss take and it felt very fair. The other thing he did was take one child with him on errands, so off to the shops etc or a tip run. He would alternate so he spent one on one time which left me with one child too for the same one on one time.

Because of this Dh has an incredibly close relationship with our sons even though I was here all the time, school runs, school holidays etc. They are now adults.

You need your free time, do not let this slide, it is not fair what he did but then I wouldn't have joined him for the arcade I would have let him take both.

Although I've just realised you haven't said the actual ages of your dc.
If they are at school, then you do already get plenty of time to yourself as a sahm.

When I was a sahm and our girls were in school, I had my leisure time during the week and I got all chores/errands done. So when the weekend came, then dh had his free time on one of the days and family time on the other.

If one of your dc is too young to be in nursery or anything, then 6 hours each off every weekend is probably too much.

It's definitely not fair but the whole idea seems unsustainable. A couple of hours each at the weekend would work. He has the morning off, you the afternoon and then spend, Saturday evening & Sunday together but 6 hours seems like too much. Maybe once a month or something so you can both have a day to do something you really want to do with friends but with young kids I understand the need to spend time as a family as well as having a wee break here and there.

He should have kids next weekend and you should do what you want.

As a long term sahm there is a tendency for the weekends to become "family time" meaning that the Dad never parents by himself depending on what time he usually comes home from work during the week. He is never the default parent

As @SherwoodWoodward said.

If weekends are mainly for 'family time', and during the week he is working, when do you think you will each get your time to yourself?
It could be weekday evenings, but what if the things he wants to do are weekend-daytime activities?

I think you have to limit the 'family time' to one day or even half a day each weekend, or just say that the family time is actually your time, as that is your choice, so you give up some alone-time to do family time.
Or take your alone time during weekday evenings - but don't expect the whole weekend to be family time if that is not what he wants.

Make sure he gets to take both kids by himself as often as possible - so next time go out to the supermarket without them, or he takes them both to the supermarket. If you go out weekday evenings, let him sort out the evening meal for the children.

If this isn't a wind up then this is the only solution.

Don't let him get away with it. If that's the agreement he wants, then take your alone time. It may mean you have to leave the house, so he can't dump the kids on you, but take your book and head to a cafe or park or library.

As others have said, maybe get your 6 hours first next week. Also, is there a reason why you had to join them at the arcade? That's when he should have given you your time and just taken the kids out

Why rush around doing grocery shopping with the kids. Get online delivery.

Cancel the playdate? And tomorrow is your day ? From now on alternate the weekend days so one week he gets a few hours on Saturday and you get a few hours on Sunday and vice versa the following week.

Are both your kids at school?

1. Make it clear that his time with the kids is with BOTH kids... not the one he finds easiest.

1. Plan ahead. Your free time is xx when you are doing xx. For the time being this will have to be out of the house. Even if you have no plans make it up. And then leave him to it and take the full time for you, even if you're getting a meal deal and eating it in the car and reading/listening to podcasts. Otherwise he will never see that you're serious about needing time to yourself.

Talk to him and tell him you are not happy and how can this arrangement work better for you. Don’t just come on here moaning about him! Your husband doesn’t sound great but being a push over means he is never given the opportunity to see how much this upsets you.

And early. No need to explain anything. Just leave quickly.

Do couples, actually bargain like this over "me time"? As a mum, I wouldn't want 6 hours away from my ds over the weekend, especially as it seems more to prove a point rather than to do anything specific. My dh and i have never had a weird tit for tat approach. We've enjoy family time, couple time and me time too but it happens organically. If one of us has a hobby /engagement we just told the other and then went ahead and did it with the other one looking after ds when he was younger. There was none of this unnatural, forced way of keeping count of who has has what, almost like a tally. I thought all couples operated this in a relaxed way but clearly not.

I don't understand why a) you went along to the arcade with them instead of having some time alone and b) why you keep arranging to take the kids out at weekends knowing it leaves him home alone?

It makes no sense.

Why did you let him have his time knowing you had a playdate arranged tomorrow and he wasn't coming?
You should have said his idea of time alone sounds great, you would go first based on your current plans.
I also agree that you should have let him take the kids alone to the arcade.