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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH stopping me having time for myself

173 replies

Prekomom · 08/03/2025 16:24

So DH and I have 2 beautiful dc. They are fairly young and demanding and as DH has a demanding job and I’m a SAHM we both don’t get much time for ourself. To counter this, he suggested we spend time for ourselves on the weekend. I was not particularly for this as I’d rather use that time to spend with dc as a family. But as he was miserable during our time together on the weekend anyways, I thought we might as well try it. He would get half the day and then on the night I would get time to do what I wanted. Fast forward, he had 6 hours out the house even though it was grocery day leaving me to run around like a headless chicken running to the store by myself with the kids (isn’t particularly relevant but it did annoy me as he could’ve started his time after a shop.) I then took them to a play centre for the day and met up with another mom and her children so the kids had a great day and come the night they would be satisfied. When I came home, DH immediately suggests to oldest dc let’s go to arcade and play there. I wasn’t too upset, definitely not enough to crush rain on her parade but I just think it’s so calculated. During his time he wanted nothing to do with us. He waited until my time to want to spend time together as a family. Then in the evening, after a long hard day, dc1 didn’t spend long at the arcade as she was already tired, came back and slept and DH also swiftly went into the room leaving me with dc2. I got no time to myself despite our agreement, I didn’t even get to read a book or paint my nails. Yes, this whole agreement is silly anyways as the kids need to spend time as a family unit and moreover it’s just a ploy for him to get a time out and me to stay home like I always do. How do I get him to see it’s not fair I never get a break?

OP posts:
Harriethulas · 08/03/2025 20:41

It doesn’t sound like you really want time to yourself. If you do want time it’s as simple as taking it, so stop making excuses!

Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 08/03/2025 20:44

nachocheese · 08/03/2025 16:28

Next weekend you go out first.

This. Simple solution

Crikeyalmighty · 08/03/2025 20:46

Stop booking play dates in with your friend at the weekend- or you will never fully get time to yourself - blokes just don't do them

Kezfor · 08/03/2025 20:50

Next time you need shopping do click and collect but don't tell DH. Don't take the kids and spend an hour doing what you want before you have to pick the shopping up. I do things like this all the time. Its the easiest way to get some alone time without an argument. It makes me a better mum and wife.

mindutopia · 08/03/2025 21:23

So basically all week he’s been off doing his own thing (work) and not spending any time with his kids, and then the weekend rolls around and he gets the best part of two days to himself. He needs to parent his kids. Dh (and I) would want to actually do something with our children if we hadn’t seen them for 5 days. And you need to step back and create a situation where he has no other option. I’d be rearranging with my friend tomorrow and planning my own day to catch up on things while he takes everyone out for the day.

IDoWhateverItTakes · 08/03/2025 21:27

Surely you get up early on Sunday morning and leave the house for the day. 6 hours. Like he took.

laraitopbanana · 08/03/2025 21:27

Fool me once…

you know his intentions now so a calculated move is in order 😂 the chick!
Also…if he isn’t there, he should have provided help for shopping or anything else that need doing outside the house. And no…he can’t just get the older one so you do the work for the youngest… dear me 🙈

I am not going to parent style…

mindutopia · 08/03/2025 21:29

Also in terms of the play dates on the weekends, your kids miss out on time with their dad all week. What they need on the weekends is not more soft play with friends. They need to bond with their dad and have fun with him. One day they’ll be grown and fly the nest. He won’t get this time back. They won’t remember play dates. They will remember that their dad seemed to slink off to do DIY to avoid them.

whynotwhatknot · 08/03/2025 22:40

so he suggest you going to the arcade in front of the kids an you coulnt say no

thats manipulative

ttcat37 · 08/03/2025 22:47

SleepingStandingUp · 08/03/2025 18:26

How impressed would your friend be if you planned a play date with her and then your belligerent husband turned up instead?

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Surely the OP is capable of texting said friend and asking if she’d mind or whether she wants to re-arrange? She did only see her today after all. If she doesn’t want to meet with him then he’ll have to find something else to do with the kids.

LannieDuck · 08/03/2025 22:48

Next weekend, you take your downtime first. He then gets however long you got.

SandyY2K · 08/03/2025 23:00

Prekomom · 08/03/2025 18:03

Yes. I certainly need it for self care purposes. Catching up with friends would be great too. Although truthfully, I probably don’t as much as my DH. I enjoy being around my kids. Half the day away from them seems excessive. Maybe just because I’ve never done it before haha.

Show quote history

This is the real issue. You're not as keen on time for yourself.

Women often focus on being a mum and a wife...thus losing their own identity.

I noticed even in your original post, you say we have 2 beautiful DC, Of course every mum thinks their kids are beautiful... but you felt the need to say it, rather than just we have 2 DC

You're very embroiled in being a mum... but your husband wants to continue being an individual. You need to take a leaf out of his book, or upto be exhausted and become resentful.

You're a SAHM, so getting some "me" time is important... in some relationships you need to advocate for yourself.

BansheeOfTheSouth · 08/03/2025 23:02

Why can't your children see their friends for play dates during the week? Or is it just your friend that you want to see who has older children?

If your children aren't at school or nursery, are their friends in full time childcare?

You say the weekend you want time to yourself and as a family and you book multiple play dates and grocery shopping. Sounds like you just want to complain @Prekomom

Surely if you manage two pre nursery age children all week alone, you can manage to take some time away at the weekends.

BlondiePortz · 08/03/2025 23:05

SandyY2K · 08/03/2025 23:00

This is the real issue. You're not as keen on time for yourself.

Women often focus on being a mum and a wife...thus losing their own identity.

I noticed even in your original post, you say we have 2 beautiful DC, Of course every mum thinks their kids are beautiful... but you felt the need to say it, rather than just we have 2 DC

You're very embroiled in being a mum... but your husband wants to continue being an individual. You need to take a leaf out of his book, or upto be exhausted and become resentful.

You're a SAHM, so getting some "me" time is important... in some relationships you need to advocate for yourself.

Show quote history

This, it is on you to organise what you need it doesn't land in your lap for you

Partybaggage · 08/03/2025 23:13

You're sabotaging yourself. Why's that?

LovelyDaaling · 08/03/2025 23:31

He doesn't like parenting.

Qwee · 08/03/2025 23:56

You have allowed him to be a selfish arse.
This is why so many women refuse to be sahm because the refuse to risk their husbands behaving like yours.

He's very selfish and you allow it.
He models a selfish arse to your husband.

Take back time, dont ask.
Return to work and do not allow this twat to treat you poorly.

Oh a kids always grow up an know that their fathers were selfish avoidant parents who put themselves first. Always.

ManchesterGirl2 · 09/03/2025 01:40

I think you're being your own enemy here. You claim DH won't give you time to yourself, but are then giving excuses as to why you can't go out without the children, why everything needs to be family time. Why shouldn't DH take them to the arcade while you chill out at home?

If you want your alone time, organise it, cheerfully announce it, and enjoy it. If you're unwilling to be away from the children, fair enough but don't blame DH for that.

Jasmine222 · 09/03/2025 04:40

Qwee · 08/03/2025 23:56

You have allowed him to be a selfish arse.
This is why so many women refuse to be sahm because the refuse to risk their husbands behaving like yours.

He's very selfish and you allow it.
He models a selfish arse to your husband.

Take back time, dont ask.
Return to work and do not allow this twat to treat you poorly.

Oh a kids always grow up an know that their fathers were selfish avoidant parents who put themselves first. Always.

Edited

That's rubbish. If someone needs alone time that doesnt make them selfish. Different people have different needs. Obviously you cant have as much alone time when you have kids, that doesnt mean you cant have any! Some people get so wrapped up in being parents that they forget they're also people.

Codlingmoths · 09/03/2025 04:48

Prekomom · 08/03/2025 18:07

I wouldn’t say that’s entirely accurate but definitely agree with your point. I dont really want to fight tooth and nail with DH to get time to myself. Nor do I want to play who gets stuck with the kids like they’re a disease. It’s why I didn’t just leave when he came home and suggested all of us go to the arcade. I didn’t want them catching wind of our pettiness.

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But you really do have to go nuclear to communicate to men like this. I’d be gone at dawn the next day, and message him that you need to talk where you explain he can be a decent partner and dad, or he can only ever see his children on his contact time when he will be the sole parent.

GRex · 09/03/2025 05:04

This is a very frustrating post.

  1. You didn't need to go to the arcade, you should have gone out at that point.
  2. It sounds like you had no plans for your time alone, didn't actually hand over the kids and didn't know what to do with yourself, so you just joined in with his plans. You're talking about doing your nails, but clearly there was no appointment and same with "seeing friends" but your plans included the kids. If you want to do something then book it, if you prefer to be with the kids then I'm not sure why it's an issue?
  3. Do an online shop and it'll take 30 minutes, or you go in the week when it's quiet so the kids can enjoy it. There's really no need to go at the weekend, that's very silly.
  4. Arrange play dates during the week, you are a SAHM. You don't need to fret about fitting everything in if you don't try to do everything for the whole week at the weekend.
  5. Work out what actual time you want (if any), and book it into the calendar. We have alternate weekend mornings; not every week when there's stuff on, but nearly every week. Children get used to a pattern and then won't fuss about it. Neither of us go out often in the evenings, so that's just booked as and when; what stopped you from going out to meet a friend in the evening?
2catsandhappy · 09/03/2025 05:41

How is Saturday, shopping day? No wonder he is miserable at the weekend. Why aren't you booking an online delivery? No headless chicken, dragging children around and struggling.

Start with what you can change.
Next weekend, before he gets back, tell the dc you are going out and daddy is looking after them. Have your coat on ready, and breezy off you go. He can't sabotage your time then.
He is smart enough to work out how he gets child free time but not clever enough to realise how you might resent being used. Almost like he thinks he is superior to you.

My exh went out 6 nights a week. Hence the ex. I struggled to get a few hours to myself, child free. Don't be me.

SandyY2K · 09/03/2025 05:45

ManchesterGirl2 · 09/03/2025 01:40

I think you're being your own enemy here. You claim DH won't give you time to yourself, but are then giving excuses as to why you can't go out without the children, why everything needs to be family time. Why shouldn't DH take them to the arcade while you chill out at home?

If you want your alone time, organise it, cheerfully announce it, and enjoy it. If you're unwilling to be away from the children, fair enough but don't blame DH for that.

I couldn't agree more.

mathanxiety · 09/03/2025 05:46

Prekomom · 08/03/2025 16:36

I should have mentioned tomorrow dc and I are meeting my friend again and going on a play date. DH will not be attending I don’t think. I wouldn’t expect him to. So he’ll have another day to chill or as he calls it catch up with things around the house.

Show quote history

Cancel the play date.

Leave him with his kids.

The cheek of him.

SandyY2K · 09/03/2025 05:49

2catsandhappy · 09/03/2025 05:41

How is Saturday, shopping day? No wonder he is miserable at the weekend. Why aren't you booking an online delivery? No headless chicken, dragging children around and struggling.

Start with what you can change.
Next weekend, before he gets back, tell the dc you are going out and daddy is looking after them. Have your coat on ready, and breezy off you go. He can't sabotage your time then.
He is smart enough to work out how he gets child free time but not clever enough to realise how you might resent being used. Almost like he thinks he is superior to you.

My exh went out 6 nights a week. Hence the ex. I struggled to get a few hours to myself, child free. Don't be me.

I thought the same. Why is lugging kids to the shops on Saturday.
My kids are adults and I do online shopping, to make my life easier.

Get organised, so that you can utilise your time better.

This isn't about him not letting spend alone time. You don't want to and you want him to just have family time only. Good for him, that he's able to express his needs.