DH stopping me having time for myself

[Prekomom]

So DH and I have 2 beautiful dc. They are fairly young and demanding and as DH has a demanding job and I’m a SAHM we both don’t get much time for ourself. To counter this, he suggested we spend time for ourselves on the weekend. I was not particularly for this as I’d rather use that time to spend with dc as a family. But as he was miserable during our time together on the weekend anyways, I thought we might as well try it. He would get half the day and then on the night I would get time to do what I wanted. Fast forward, he had 6 hours out the house even though it was grocery day leaving me to run around like a headless chicken running to the store by myself with the kids (isn’t particularly relevant but it did annoy me as he could’ve started his time after a shop.) I then took them to a play centre for the day and met up with another mom and her children so the kids had a great day and come the night they would be satisfied. When I came home, DH immediately suggests to oldest dc let’s go to arcade and play there. I wasn’t too upset, definitely not enough to crush rain on her parade but I just think it’s so calculated. During his time he wanted nothing to do with us. He waited until my time to want to spend time together as a family. Then in the evening, after a long hard day, dc1 didn’t spend long at the arcade as she was already tired, came back and slept and DH also swiftly went into the room leaving me with dc2. I got no time to myself despite our agreement, I didn’t even get to read a book or paint my nails. Yes, this whole agreement is silly anyways as the kids need to spend time as a family unit and moreover it’s just a ploy for him to get a time out and me to stay home like I always do. How do I get him to see it’s not fair I never get a break?

Me too! I love being around them. But the OP is a SAHP who has admitted she would like just a few hours to herself which would make her happy and consequently her family happy in having a chilled, relaxed mother, so it’s really not too much to ask!!

I’ve had lots of lovely evenings out with my friends and even a weekend break away! I was such a nicer person to be around after. Still love my family and spending time with them.

Practice saying something like this “DH, as I didn’t get my “me time” this evening, I’m going to do XYZ next Saturday, I’ll be home around 2pm”

I have a set up like this with my dh. It can work well but you need to agree it and plan it. Ahead of the weekend make a plan for when he'll take his time and when you'll take yours. If yours involves staying in the house, make sure he understands that you want that time to be uninterrupted and so he's to either take the kids out the house or keep them entertained away from wherever you are. Don't be passive in this or expect him to make sure you get your time, or what's happened today will happen again.

How old are your children OP, do you get time off in the week. Why were you doing shopping on a Saturday?

THIS!

Take your 6 hours tomorrow. In the day. When all children are awake.

OP perhaps your children don’t need play dates two days in a row over the weekend?

Reducing this would provide some flexibility for your interests and needs.

No way would I have gone to arcade! How old are your kids - mine understand that mummy needs time to herself and would have been fine if I hadn’t gone with them. But a day to himself and a “night” to you is a batshit deal unless you actually had plans to be out all night.

At weekends we try to have some time alone to go to gym etc but it’s tricky as have 3 young kids with loads of different activities. It’s generally a divide and conquer situation but when I have the opportunity I’m off! Got to put my oxygen mask on first in order to be good mum for my kids.

I presume because she has the kids on her own during the week so it’s easily to do it with 2 pairs of hands or leave the kids at home. We always do the food shop on a weekend

How do I get him to see it’s not fair I never get a break?

You use your words and explain how you feel.

It’s not pettiness to go out and do your own thing though.
He’s not going to beg you to go get a coffee, or paint your nails or take your book to the pub. If you don’t do it for yourself you won’t do it, you need to stop being a martyr. It seems like you don’t actually want to take time for yourself but you want to moan about not having it.

But she did it by herself with the kids today anyway @Pippinsdiary, so that argument doesn't work.

If you're getting free time it needs to be at a time of day where its actually a break. Free time in the evening is a bit...meaningless with small kids? Thats your free time anyway right, when they're in bed?

I think you should get a shorter time each during the day, e.g. 2 hours each.
You gotta be a team at the weekends.

who's arguing? You’re asking why she does it on a Saturday, I said probably because there’s 2 pairs of hands? fair enough that wasn’t the case today but that’s most likely why it’s done on a weekend. Does it matter?

You both need to sit down and rationally talk about what you want in terms of your time otherwise it’s going to turn into both of you running away from each other to grab as much time as you can and trying to trump each other. Make sure you have actual family time you all enjoy too- kids are terrible for guilt tripping when you least expect it and telling strangers they don’t see their parents at all on the weekends!!!

It's really hard when you want your me time in the house. DH never says no to me going out with friends in the evening but I don't do it every week - prob once a month or a bit less. What I'm crying out for us time alone in the house to potter, read, watch telly without being constantly interrupted but he doesn't like taking them out (I presume, since he very rarely does). I quite often do though so he gets that potter time. It makes me quite resentful especially if when I come back with them he says he's going out as he hasn't left the house and needs to see the sky! Fuxake.

It means I take my quiet time at night after everyone's asleep but am of course knackered. Don't know the solution.

Following up on setting boy diaries fir yourself is only becoming a power play when the other person makes it that way - aka they refuse to accept those boundaries.

And if he makes it a power play, then it’s on him. It doesn’t mean you have to give up. You can state your needs/what you’re going to do in a really calm and assertive way, wo making it an ‘I won’ situation (unlike him btw)

Just tell him. Spell it out in black and white then offer an alternative for future weekends where you both get a few hours of you time.

Honestly you need to double down.
send your DH and take the time to yourself.

You're meeting a friend on both days over the weekend, but also want to spend family time together??

He's in for a rude awakening if you split up and he has the kids all weekend....

I'd plan it next weekend so rhat you get your time. I'd book a manicure or something you'd enjoy and arrange to meet a friend for lunch across the 6hrs he was out. (Book a click and collect to pick up shopping on the way home if needed).

I'd tell him a day or two before so he doesn't make clashing plans and point out as you didn't get time out last weekend it is your turn next weekend - and you don't expect him to take another 6hr block.

Then on the Saturday evening I'd plan time to tall about whether this is actually going to work... and how HE plans to facilitate BOTH of you getting some space.

So if he's not going with you and dc tomorrow, thus getting his time to himself again, you just take your time both days next weekend.

I have a friend whose husband was telling her for years that he desperately needs a few hours to himself on weekends, to unwind. She ignored it and kept on bulldozing him with "family plans" and guilt trips about how weekends are family time. Eventually, he couldnt take it anymore and divorced her to finally get a bit of breathing space. It sounds like your DH needs more downtime than you, so fair enough, make sure he gets downtime, and you take time for yourself whenever you feel you need it. Like next weekend, for as many hours as you need. Better for the kids to spend a couple of hours of fun time at the arcade with a rested Dad, than to spend all day with a grumpy Dad who needs to unwind. Obviously young kids mean "less alone time", but It's all about compromising and respecting each others' needs. My DH took my 6 week old baby and 2 year old toddler (ages ago, back when they were small) out to a playground for 3hrs and I just sat in a cafe drinking coffee and "finding myself again", and I was so grateful to him. And your kids will always want you to join in "fun at the arcade", but sometimes it's ok to say "Mummy needs some time to herself.. "

technically he shouldn’t even have had today off. He has his time tomorrow when you take the kids on a play date. X

i always recommend that you take the first thing. So if you decide that each of you gets a day at the weekend, you take the Saturday.

Your mistake here was going second. And not laying down clear parameters about what time to yourself actually looks like.

You can save the weekend by getting up first tomorrow and going out. Before he realises what is going on.