DH stopping me having time for myself

[Prekomom]

So DH and I have 2 beautiful dc. They are fairly young and demanding and as DH has a demanding job and I’m a SAHM we both don’t get much time for ourself. To counter this, he suggested we spend time for ourselves on the weekend. I was not particularly for this as I’d rather use that time to spend with dc as a family. But as he was miserable during our time together on the weekend anyways, I thought we might as well try it. He would get half the day and then on the night I would get time to do what I wanted. Fast forward, he had 6 hours out the house even though it was grocery day leaving me to run around like a headless chicken running to the store by myself with the kids (isn’t particularly relevant but it did annoy me as he could’ve started his time after a shop.) I then took them to a play centre for the day and met up with another mom and her children so the kids had a great day and come the night they would be satisfied. When I came home, DH immediately suggests to oldest dc let’s go to arcade and play there. I wasn’t too upset, definitely not enough to crush rain on her parade but I just think it’s so calculated. During his time he wanted nothing to do with us. He waited until my time to want to spend time together as a family. Then in the evening, after a long hard day, dc1 didn’t spend long at the arcade as she was already tired, came back and slept and DH also swiftly went into the room leaving me with dc2. I got no time to myself despite our agreement, I didn’t even get to read a book or paint my nails. Yes, this whole agreement is silly anyways as the kids need to spend time as a family unit and moreover it’s just a ploy for him to get a time out and me to stay home like I always do. How do I get him to see it’s not fair I never get a break?

Yep, play date cancelled!

Free time for you!

You know who’s an adult? This man is an adult. If he objects to going to the shop so much, maybe he has access to the internet and bank accounts and could do an online one?

But his needs aren’t more important than the OP’s.
If the OP’s needs is to spend time together as a family, then he should make an effort.
And he isn’t. He is avoiding all family time as much as he can.

The whole ‘great for him to express and ensure his needs are met’ work both ways….
Not the OP bending over backwards to ensure his needs are met but when he doesn’t reciprocate, it’s her fault for not been organised enough.

Then you both should have agreed today is his chill day and yours was yesterday. But he knew what he was doing when he suggested he have 6 hours alone yesterday. He’s seen you coming - he’s got it all his way, two lovely kids and no hand in raising them, still gets to behave like he’s childless

OP it’s really important that your kids understand you’re a human being with needs and a right to do your own thing sometimes. It’s healthy for them to see you say “Actually I’m going to relax but you go have fun”. Especially with you being a SAHM, otherwise you end up being RoboMum and they expect you to always be around. It’s fine to not go

He's not avoiding family time, he suggested the arcade.

As a SAHM, I can't understand why shopping would be left to Saturday. It doesn't make sense. She could go in the week when it's quieter and use the weekends now productively.

Everyone has to assert themselves to get their needs met.

I do think he'd be happy with his "me" time and family time, but not so much time in his own with the kids. If OP wants her "me" time, then she'll have to do better than go along to the arcade, when she could have let him go with the kids... but SHE wanted to go.

She values family time, more than time to herself... which is fine, but she can't make him feel the same.

Even when he suggested time to themselves gym the get go, she wasn't that keen on it.

Some people need "me" time first, in order to enjoy family time. OP would happily forgo time to herself.

I totally agree with you. It would have been fine to say " You go with with daddy and have fun", Mummy has a few things to do. This could have been time for herself and using the kids as an excuse is a bit weak IMO.

Another thing is you don't need playdates EVERY weekend.

Let him be alone with them, because it sounds like, it's only the OP and the kids, or the OP with family.

Dad wants full balance and probably finds it easier to have the kids on his own, if they're doing fun things...which is fine.

Yep a stay in the house seems long and boring but is a necessary evil!

Ive been going away abroad with girlfriends or on long weekends or with work since my eldest was 18 months, and I tell the kids and tell them why. I like to think they understand that my time is inportant

Absolutely. I went on my first girl's weekend when my daughter was a year old. You get rejuvenated and feel so much better for it. My kids understand and haven't suffered as a result.

Mums often complain, but they can be their own worst enemy with self care.

I always say that you need the oxygen mask on yourself, l before you can help others.

Some mums thinks it's selfish to spend time on your own, but I need my time and I needed my kids to see that I'm not just their mum and a wife.

I'm also a daughter, a sister and a friend, so I need to put effort into this relationships as well.

1- don’t go to the supermarket at the weekend. You are a sahm you can go anytime
2- you had your chance to have free time when he suggested the Arcade. You chose to spent it as family time.
3- Don’t become a martyr. If you chose to veto time to yourself with family time. Own that choice.
4- Your DH has decided he needs time away from family and work responsibilities. If you want that you must assert that decision just as he has done. See point 3.

Plan next weekend better. Get used to asserting your own needs. Get used to DH looking after the family solo.

You shouldn't need to hide this, that's not a healthy trusting relationship.

What's wrong with 'I'm going to collect the shopping and take an hour to go for a coffee, see you later'

Can't you rearrange the kid orientated stuff to in the week Instead.? Then you cantake time for yourself

Walk out. That’s what I used to do. Kiss kids, tell them you’ll be back later and wish them a jolly day with daddy. Then…walk out the door.

Because men don't see the time they get as a break. My husband doesn't see that when I take dc out without him he's had a break and I haven't because I've been having fun with them. It's easier to not say anything and it's not doing any harm. If I said that I was going to get a coffee My dd would want to come and he wouldn't see how that would defeat the object and I also don't want her to feel like I don't want her there.

Of course it's causing harm. You're not getting a break which will catch up with you in the end and the children never get parented by their dad because you're always doing it.

Why let him put up with this shit? Unless you've married someone really stupid, of course he knows that he gets a break and you don't, it just suits him better and he doesn't think you deserve time off because you're a woman.

The OP wants the playdate to happen, so her H isn't at fault here.

The OP hasn't prioritised time for herself and that's not his fault.

I get the she that she is putting everything into being the perfect mum and wanting a perfect family life... but forgetting herself in the process.

Everyone needs to ensure their needs are being met. He's doing that and she choosing not to. That's on her.

She's had the opportunity to take alone time and didn't. She opted for the family time that she wants, so her needs were indeed met.

She has chosen to have playdates every weekend, meaning, she'll get with the kids on her own again. Leavin him to chill on his own.
That's her choice.

Don’t waste your weekend socialising with friends and their kids individually unless it coincides with DH’s alone time.

it was grocery day leaving me to run around like a headless chicken running to the store by myself with the kids

Why on earth are you not ordering groceries online for delivery?

I think this whole thing was set up not to work.

Why does he need six whole hours away?

Why was your time going to be in the evening - surely this is intrinsically less valuable time? You can’t go out and do anything with it! And surely the kids go to bed fairly early so the evening is basically nothing extra?

I would set out a clear structure that couldn’t be messed with - this is family time, this is your time, this is my time. And stick to it! If he comes out with something manipulative like suggesting family time in what’s meant to be time off for you, call him out on it and don’t do what he suggests.

You may have to explain in words of one syllable why family time also needs to be in there but make sure he sticks to that too.

I think people are being a bit unfair saying you can just take the time if you want it, because he obviously did try to get in the way of it happening, but you do have to be more assertive.

@Prekomom Why won't you answer the MANY posters who have asked how old your children are?

Are your children school age if old enough for an arcade? Because if so, I think you are being pretty unreasonable unless you have preschoolers underfoot all day every day.