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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Worried about DD who is NC

403 replies

SMEHJmammy · 08/03/2025 15:18

Afternoon all,
I have 5 DC, ages 18-26, my middle child is my 22 year old DD. DD and I have been no contact for almost 5 years (since she left for uni). The context of this is my other 4 children all have chronic health conditions/disabilities, DD was our only "healthy" child and as such she feels she was neglected. I feel awful about her feeling this way and miss her very much, she was never intentionally neglected but with 4 children with complicated needs she was the "easy" child. My ex husband and I definitely weren't the best parents to her, we missed parents evening, sports games etc. This was never because of a lack of love but rather being overstretched by the needs of our other children. Since the day DD left for uni, I haven't heard from her. She talks to her dad but also hasn't seen him in that time (he does insist on sending her money though) and she still talks to her siblings. She struggled with her mental health somewhat as a teen but we did go out of our way to provide her with as much support as we could, especially as some awful things external to family life happened. I was also told recently that she received a formal ADHD diagnosis, but this was never something anyone was concerned about when she was a child.
Anyway, DD has always been a very smart, responsible girl, she was head girl, straight As, she went to St Andrews and I know she graduated in the summer with a first class honours, and is now in London doing her masters.

Recently my eldest DS went to visit her, and he has come back feeling quite concerned, he said that she is drinking a lot, several week days after uni and on the weekends (out well into the early hours), she smokes weed (he said not like a "stoner" but socially), vapes, has used cocaine, seems to be just dating random men all the time. He also said she seems to be surviving on very little sleep, energy drinks and not enough food (she was anorexic as a teen).
I miss DD all the time, but I'm also feeling incredibly worried. I have tried to contact her to no avail, my ex husband says if he mentions anything about this to her she stops contacting him, and sends any money he has sent straight back. My DS doesn't know how to approach this and honestly neither do I.
So please mumsnet, what do I do?
AIBU to feel totally lost at dealing with this?

OP posts:
AubernFable · 08/03/2025 16:18

It’s a tough one. I’m NC with my family too. I think the most you can really do is be there if she decides to contact you or reach out with no expectation of a reply.

A lot of her problems sound like pretty normal young adult behavior, especially given a rough childhood, but with her history, I see why you’re worried about her eating and sleeping.

Have you ever apologised for her trauma without making excuses or defending yourself? I would be willing to read a letter from my mother like this, and what she did was a lot more “severe” (obviously, everyone’s pain is valid, but it was criminal).

myplace · 08/03/2025 16:27

Ah, I’m sorry, that’s tough.

Unfortunately I think getting in touch out of concern about her lifestyle is unlikely to go down well. It will be seen as judgemental.
She’s likely to see it as this- “She had to manage without you when she needed you, she doesn’t want you now she’s an independent adult.”

However I think you are right to be concerned and of course miss her even if you weren’t.

As your other children have grown, has that allowed you a bit more time and attention? The worst thing would be to get involved but be unable to keep it up. If you do have capacity, then supportive messages- “congratulations on getting on your course. So pleased to hear you’ve graduated, enjoy London, it must be very exciting! You will always be welcome here if you fancy a change or a rest…” type things.

And it’s great that she’s in touch with her siblings. You need to support them as best you can, so they can maintain the support and connection.

RoseofRoses · 08/03/2025 16:33

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

89mar1 · 08/03/2025 16:37

I know this will sound blunt, but if she was your second child, why did you continue to have several children after her, when one already had complex needs? You then had several children with complex needs. I know this can't be predicted but you have a large number of children already by normal standards.

boulevardofbrokendreamss · 08/03/2025 16:41

Why did you have two more children after her?

Sirzy · 08/03/2025 16:44

I can understand why she feels she was neglected.

could you write her an honest lesson about how you do regret things and then leave the ball in her court?

Simplynotsimple · 08/03/2025 16:46

It’s exactly the sort of behaviour that someone with untreated ADHD would exhibit once they have a bit of ‘freedom’. It’s remarkable she’s done so well academically despite no support with the condition, I fell off a cliff in every which way (bar drugs) once I left home, it’s had a huge impact on my life. I do understand how all consuming raising children with disabilities is, but it has had a negative effect on her to the point her own additional needs weren’t (and still are not) recognised. You need to start from the bottom up if you’re going to help her at all, it starts with an apology.

InterIgnis · 08/03/2025 16:49

She’s early twenties, in London, letting loose for what sounds like the first time. She’s not the first responsible child to go a little ‘wild’ in young adulthood after finding her freedom, and she won’t be the last. Ime experience the vast majority of people that go through that stage enjoy it for a while then get it out their system.

As hard as it may be to accept, and as much as it may go against your instincts, she doesn’t want to hear from you. Even if she’s in a situation where she needs help, you being the one to offer it may/would not be helpful.

offmynut · 08/03/2025 16:52

Im NC with my mother im one of 7 and hated that i was over looked as a child all other kids came first.
Me and my sister left home as soon as we could i dont think we was missed.
When mum ask why we didnt come round or call we said you never have time for us she said well i have other kids yes but we are your children to why have more when you had enough in the first place.
I grow up and i didnt see my mum as a mum just someone that gave birth to me no feelings what so ever not seen or spoken to her in years.

Just to add op shes young and doing what she wants being around people that want her around and want to spend time with her.
Having fun thats what i was doing in my 20s and loved it.

Bababear987 · 08/03/2025 16:53

Most high achievers go through this period where they let loose and go a bit wild.

I do think you should own your part in this and apologise though. Why keep having children if you couldnt provide for the ones you already had?

Simplynotsimple · 08/03/2025 16:53

Also ‘anorexic as a teen’, this often goes hand in hand with ADHD girls (for someone who says there was no concern for it when she was young). Living off very little sleep, probably drinking as a form of sleep control as it’s very difficult to switch off naturally, weed is used to damper racing thoughts. Honestly she’s reading as classic self medicating as you can get with the condition.

Violetmouse · 08/03/2025 16:53

Anorexia is a serious and potentially life threatening mental illness - yet for you it's only worthy of a comment towards the end of your post in brackets. I suspect that your DD also had / has some complex needs.

stanleypops66 · 08/03/2025 16:54

Have you ever had a proper conversation with her?

You do seem dismissed of her struggles, anorexia is potentially fatal and ADHD is no picnic.

You had a lot of kids so I'm not surprised you were spread thin but I think you need to hold your hands up and apologise. Maybe write her a letter.

Her current behaviour is quite common, however given her diagnoses she's more vulnerable than other young people.

whosaidtha · 08/03/2025 16:55

You say your other children had complex needs/health conditions but it sounds like she did too and you did less to support her. ADHD and anorexia are both very serious. I can understand why she felt neglected if you don't see this as a problem.

offmynut · 08/03/2025 16:56

89mar1 · 08/03/2025 16:37

I know this will sound blunt, but if she was your second child, why did you continue to have several children after her, when one already had complex needs? You then had several children with complex needs. I know this can't be predicted but you have a large number of children already by normal standards.

I have to agree with this why have more kids.
My mum had 4 then went on to have 3 more.

InsegnanteScozzese · 08/03/2025 16:57

Another one that thinks you sound dismissive of your daughter. Anorexia and undiagnosed ADHD doesn't sound like an easy child and she must have struggled enormously.

Obviously nothing to gain now, but maybe recognising that despite never having time for her, you went on to have 2 more children that you did make time for must make you feel pretty unloved.

Your daughter sounds amazing, I hope she's very proud of herself and all she's achieved

RainbowSlimeLab · 08/03/2025 17:02

Why do you think you deserve contact with the child you neglected so badly?

Jade520 · 08/03/2025 17:02

If you already had two children with chronic health conditions and disabilities before her why did you go on and have another 2 children after her. Of course you were never going to have the time for her, even if the younger two didn't have health problems. I can completely see why she felt neglected, especially as she had severe problems herself if she had anorexia, MH issues and things happening outside the home.

Recent studies have found that 20% of children with ADHD will have an eating disorder. Approximately 80% of adults with ADHD will at some point have comorbid MH issues. She sounds like she is self medicating her ADHD.

I think the best thing for her would be for her dad to go and see her and talk to her about medicating her ADHD.

MadeForThis · 08/03/2025 17:03

Her needs were neglected and she was never a priority even when she had anorexia. She's no contact for a good reason. Respect her wishes.

89mar1 · 08/03/2025 17:03

Speaking from the perspective of someone who knows adults who have gone no or low contact with parents...

I know two sisters, born to their DM in first marriage. DM got remarried and had two more children... she then remarried for a third time and had two more children, for six in total.

The DM was of course spread extremely thinly- by her own admission the children didn't get a lot of individual attention, but weren't actively "neglected".

The two elder daughters, are very low contact with her. The DM can't understand would say "I did by best, I was busy with all the children but they weren't harmed or neglected".

The elder children see it that their DM but her desire to have more children/new relationships over the needs of her pre-existing children.

I think I read incorrectly and you had 2 children (with complex needs) then your healthy DD (also sounds like she had undiagnosed complex needs), then 2 further children with complex needs.

Your DD felt neglected, which sounds justified, and has gone no contact.

Fair to be concerned about her but it all sounds normal young adult stuff, she sounds like she's achieved a lot.

I'd leave well alone, she doesn't want to speak to you OP. Don't cross her boundaries.

loobylou10 · 08/03/2025 17:05

Sounds like she needs to contact Sibs - a charity for siblings of disabled children to work through her feelings about her life growing up. They have adult support groups. www.sibs.org.uk.

MMO · 08/03/2025 17:05

I think you just let her be 🤔

CriticalOverthinking · 08/03/2025 17:06

If she had anorexia and undiagnosed adhd she wasn't the 'easy child', she was easy to ignore. And it doesn't appear she was given the support she needed if she then went nc.

I suspect there is a lot more missing from this story if she is in contact with her siblings and dad but nc with OP.

Accept that even if she needs help, it's unlikely she would look for that from her parents given the history of not being their priority. Contacting with no expectation of reply or action, no guilting her would be the only option.

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/03/2025 17:09

Anorexia can also be chronic and life threatening mental illness. Your dd was screaming out for help as a teen by the sound of it. My dd has been very mentally ill with it. I couldn’t imagine her eating disorder being something I mention in passing, particularly as it is still active. She’d be dead.

Perhaps take a read of the main eating disorders thread for what parents are doing for their children to try and get them well. My dd is occupying so much of my time at the moment, especially this week just gone.

Your dd may never forgive you. However, have you tried to tell her how much you are sorry for neglecting her needs when she was growing up? I mean really really telling her you know now how bad it was for her, that you can see how awful it was for her. And that it was so so wrong of you to categorise her as not needing you. That you see now how much she was struggling and you would love to be there for her now in any way she will let you.

Of course she’s going to cut your ex off at a whiff of concern for her health. That’s what anorexics do. The ED voice is strong and it sounds as if your dd is also self medicating for her ADHD. It sounds like he / you could do with a way in. That’s going to take a lot of ground work and humility.

Biscuitsneeded · 08/03/2025 17:12

I can well understand why she is NC. It's not your fault your first two children had extra needs, but why on earth did you carry on having children after your DD? Even if the last two had not had special needs you would have been spreading yourselves extremely thinly among five children. To not go to her parents' evenings etc is pretty unforgivable and she must have felt so unloved. I wouldn't get in touch regarding your concerns - she won't respond well. I'd maybe just send her a letter saying that you miss her and you recognise that you were selfish in having more children, that her childhood was not a happy one and that was mostly your fault. Tell her that you love her and actually say the word sorry. She probably doesn't feel like you do love her. If she responds in any way positively you can gradually suggest meeting up on neutral territory, doing something she would enjoy - an art gallery, or theatre? Her lifestyle sounds a little hedonistic but nothing beyond normal 20 something behaviour. Feeling she wasn't loved will be far more deleterious to her long-term wellbeing, so if you can put that right without appearing to judge her lifestyle, the rest may sort itself out.