Worried about DD who is NC

[SMEHJmammy]

Afternoon all,
I have 5 DC, ages 18-26, my middle child is my 22 year old DD. DD and I have been no contact for almost 5 years (since she left for uni). The context of this is my other 4 children all have chronic health conditions/disabilities, DD was our only "healthy" child and as such she feels she was neglected. I feel awful about her feeling this way and miss her very much, she was never intentionally neglected but with 4 children with complicated needs she was the "easy" child. My ex husband and I definitely weren't the best parents to her, we missed parents evening, sports games etc. This was never because of a lack of love but rather being overstretched by the needs of our other children. Since the day DD left for uni, I haven't heard from her. She talks to her dad but also hasn't seen him in that time (he does insist on sending her money though) and she still talks to her siblings. She struggled with her mental health somewhat as a teen but we did go out of our way to provide her with as much support as we could, especially as some awful things external to family life happened. I was also told recently that she received a formal ADHD diagnosis, but this was never something anyone was concerned about when she was a child.
Anyway, DD has always been a very smart, responsible girl, she was head girl, straight As, she went to St Andrews and I know she graduated in the summer with a first class honours, and is now in London doing her masters.

Recently my eldest DS went to visit her, and he has come back feeling quite concerned, he said that she is drinking a lot, several week days after uni and on the weekends (out well into the early hours), she smokes weed (he said not like a "stoner" but socially), vapes, has used cocaine, seems to be just dating random men all the time. He also said she seems to be surviving on very little sleep, energy drinks and not enough food (she was anorexic as a teen).
I miss DD all the time, but I'm also feeling incredibly worried. I have tried to contact her to no avail, my ex husband says if he mentions anything about this to her she stops contacting him, and sends any money he has sent straight back. My DS doesn't know how to approach this and honestly neither do I.
So please mumsnet, what do I do?
AIBU to feel totally lost at dealing with this?

You need to respect the fact that she wants nothing to do with you and that she has valid reasons for feeling this way. I'm sure it hurts but it is what it is, you didn't foster a bond with her growing up and now she has her own life that you have no place in.

Don't enlist her siblings into passing on messages or judging her choices because you'll damage the relationships she has with them.

I beg your pardon?

She was anorexic as a teen, and yet you describe her as your “healthy”, “easy” child.

That explains it all. She was a child who was obviously let down. Leave her alone.

Out of interest, what have you done to try and address this in the last 5 yrs? Have you been to counselling and perhaps written your DD a letter apologising. I appreciate you have 4 DC with needs, but if you really cared about your DD you would be prepared do move mountains.

The blunt truth is that she WAS a child with complex needs, and for whatever reasons you didn't pick up on those because your other children's needs were more obvious to you than hers. This happens a lot with neurodivergent girls, as their presentation of ASD or ADHD is more subtle and less typical, and they mask more effectively than boys.

You can't be defensive or make excuses, and you have to get past this image of her as "the normal one" who should have been able to cope. She wasn't, and she couldn't. If you want to reconnect with her, you will have to meet her where she is and be prepared to listen and adjust your thinking.

She’s big enough to decide on no contact so she’s big enough to manage for herself. She seems a bit dramatic and as if she couldn’t cope with the attention being on her more disabled siblings when she was younger so she’s now attempting to make them worry about her in turn. Children are allowed to be immature, it’s understandable but she’s no le an adult who needs to grow up a bit and start taking care of herself by the sound of it. Don’t engage. If she needs help she will can ask for it but this is games There’s nothing you can or should do unless she gets in touch herself.

You went out of your way to help her with her mental health???? God, no wonder she doesn't feel supported by you. You should want to help, not go out of your way!!

For OP to do that the daughter would have to be willing to reconnect, which she isn’t. She’s not asking her mother to meet her anywhere, she’s asking her mother to leave her alone.

Sometimes relationships are just dead for one party, with no unfinished business, need for reconnection or ‘closure’.

Agree completely. I’m NC with my mother and the defining theme of the split is “leave it there”. No attention seeking or causing other family members to worry about my lifestyle and certainly no taking money from a father I don’t deign to see on my part. The relationship is over, your daughter is an adult who has decided to be independent, if she wants to reach out then she can, otherwise just leave it there. Certainly don’t write her a letter fawning and apologising. I would lose even more respect for my mother if she did this. We are just done.

She’s not completely NC with her father. She’s NC with her mother.

I don’t think she’s attention seeking because her siblings are concerned. She’s just living her life as she sees fit to as a young twenty-something finding her feet in London. She’s not asking them to report back to OP, they’re choosing to. If OP is worried that’s not her problem.

@SMEHJmammy I think when people post on mumsnet about choosing to have multiple children , they are often in denial that something often has to give and this can lead to benign neglect , even when all those children are apparently healthy and happy. I would write a letter saying with absolute clarity how sorry you are that she was left to her own devices as a child and that her own needs were never noticed or taken seriously enough and that her siblings were always prioritised .She probably has worked extremely hard to give herself a future choice through doing well educationally, but uni is a classic time for hard-working over-achievers who lack emotional resources to come a cropper . At least if her siblings can hold contact that may give you a bridge in the future….but you have to be willing to accept the degree of anger and hurt that she feels that has led to no contact.

How long did your DS visit for? You say all the other children have complex health/disability so he may have lived a sheltered life and so her (ime) quite typical behaviour of someone in their early 20’s might be shocking for him. Also surely he wasn’t there long enough to know whether or not this is typical behaviour or just a busy social week. She has graduated with a first and has been living independently since she was 18. It sounds like she is doing very well considering her childhood and her own issues around MH. I’ve heard kids drink less now days but I know when I was 21 and at uni I was going out 4/5 times a week. She’s living in London she probably has a new friendship group. I would be careful not to blow your sons report out of proportion. As if either of you or your XH raise this with her it’s not going to go down well at all. And honestly if she is spiralling neither of you have nurtured a good enough relationship with her to step in. She will have to find support from elsewhere if she ever needs it, your help will likely be unwelcome

I also have 5 kids, I didn’t know that 3 of them were autistic when I had the younger 2 (who are twins, so also not something I could control) as they weren’t diagnosed until they were a bit older. Whst a crazy question, people can’t see the future,

I don't think there is anything to do except leave her in peace and respect her decision to go no contact. She knows how to get in touch with you, she is choosing not to. I'm not surprised she is letting her hair down and exploring her freedom, it's a very normal thing to do for her age bracket particularly if she feels like her needs weren't met as a child. I did a very similar thing at that age, moved away at 18 and went no contact, had a chaotic wild period in my mid 20s then settled down in my 30s. And I still don't want to hear from my parents who badly let me down. You may have to come to terms with that.

@TheOriginalEmu if you choose to have more kids then can be given adequate attention easily then, yes , you are making the odds of something going wrong that affects the quality of life of all the kids, far more likely. If you already had 3 kids then surely you would know your last pregnancy could have produced a multiple ?

I doubt someone develops anorexia or gets diagnosed with ADHD to "be dramatic" though.

Start by emailing a sincere apology and say you’ll always be here for her if she wants to talk and you would like to make it up with her somehow, despite being unable to roll back the years

I can understand that resources were stretched but you chose to have five children....you need to take some responsibility for your choices and how it affected her.

She had undiagnosed ADHD and an eating disorder. She wasn't your 'easy' or 'healthy' child, she was the one who's needs weren't seen or met properly.

Honestly I think a heartfelt letter of apology is needed. Not "I'm sorry but I was so busy with your siblings" or "I'm sorry but I tried my best". Let her know that you realise you messed up and regret it bitterly.

I got pregnant with a coil in place, so it wasn’t planned, so yes I knew another pregnancy could be a multiple, it’s why I tried to prevent one.
My point is, people are assuming OP knew her other kids had complex needs when she had the youngest two and that’s not necessarily true. I have a friend who recently learned 3 of her 4 children have a life-limiting illness. She had no idea until last week. Life can throw disability at you at any age.

It's not normal teenage behaviour to have anorexia, that's really serious. I think you have 5 complicated children not 4 & it may be that your dd's complex needs were completely overlooked.
It's quite sad but your positive is that she still has some contact with your other DC.
I would be talking to them by the way about the dangers of drug use too.
If you ever want to put things right with your dd it would be a really genuine apology, & saying exactly what you are sorry for. If you are genuine she will know.
Other than that it's just keeping the door open, unfortunately ADHD & ED's are very complicated, even if she's quieter, it'll be very difficult for her.

That's why people should think of the worst case scenario before they decide to have several children and whether they would be able to cope with it.

I don’t have any advice but just found this so sad to read. I only have two (and they take up so much of my time without any additional needs!) but I can understand why she felt she was second (third/forth etc!?) best and honestly, it sounds like from what you said, you can too. The past can’t be changed but not attending her parents’ evenings etc. 😢 she must really have felt like you didn’t care. Let her be.

This is exactly why I had two children only, and they don't have complex needs. The more kids you have, the more likely one or more will be neglected, as we all have only so much time, patience and attention span. plus unless you are very wealthy how the hell do you afford it as surely every additional child spreads the finances more thinly.

Good to hear your husband took his role in preventing future unwanted pregnancies seriously…….As I said, it’s irrelevant if the op knew or didn’t know what illnesses her children had…..the bigger the family, the bigger the pressure on any parents time, finances and emotional resources. Probably rather a lot of us parents with ND kids/ kids with mental health challenges don’t encounter those problems til the kids are at school.

Your DD did have complex needs you just decided they didn't count. You say she was the easy child then throw in that she had anorexia, which is a very serious life threatening condition, how is that easy? You also didn't notice her ADHD or how much she was suffering because she was the easy child aka kept things to herself to try and not burden you. There is nothing you can do right now about what she's going through. You could speak to her dad or siblings about someone taking her a letter of apology, with ZERO excuses or justifications. As maybe a first step. Ultimately you chose to have these kids, being overwhelmed or burnt out doesn't mean what you did wasn't neglect.

I was the easy child, the one that helped, the one who's problems just weren't as important because I seemed ok. I wasn't. Funnily enough also undiagnosed ADHD except this was 20+ years ago when we knew a lot less about it. At university I got sick and then developed mental health issues, psychologist was amazed how together I was given everything I was put through, my mum has a very different minimising view of my childhood. My mum always put my siblings first and did again recently as adults while I was struggling in an abusive marriage, now she wonders why we aren't close and there's no point telling her why because she will never hear it or take responsibility, because there will always be excuses, because she'll get upset and make me feel worse, it's pointless and given all your excuses here its pointless for your DD to let you back in her life, it would just be more of the same.