Worried about DD who is NC

[SMEHJmammy]

Afternoon all,
I have 5 DC, ages 18-26, my middle child is my 22 year old DD. DD and I have been no contact for almost 5 years (since she left for uni). The context of this is my other 4 children all have chronic health conditions/disabilities, DD was our only "healthy" child and as such she feels she was neglected. I feel awful about her feeling this way and miss her very much, she was never intentionally neglected but with 4 children with complicated needs she was the "easy" child. My ex husband and I definitely weren't the best parents to her, we missed parents evening, sports games etc. This was never because of a lack of love but rather being overstretched by the needs of our other children. Since the day DD left for uni, I haven't heard from her. She talks to her dad but also hasn't seen him in that time (he does insist on sending her money though) and she still talks to her siblings. She struggled with her mental health somewhat as a teen but we did go out of our way to provide her with as much support as we could, especially as some awful things external to family life happened. I was also told recently that she received a formal ADHD diagnosis, but this was never something anyone was concerned about when she was a child.
Anyway, DD has always been a very smart, responsible girl, she was head girl, straight As, she went to St Andrews and I know she graduated in the summer with a first class honours, and is now in London doing her masters.

Recently my eldest DS went to visit her, and he has come back feeling quite concerned, he said that she is drinking a lot, several week days after uni and on the weekends (out well into the early hours), she smokes weed (he said not like a "stoner" but socially), vapes, has used cocaine, seems to be just dating random men all the time. He also said she seems to be surviving on very little sleep, energy drinks and not enough food (she was anorexic as a teen).
I miss DD all the time, but I'm also feeling incredibly worried. I have tried to contact her to no avail, my ex husband says if he mentions anything about this to her she stops contacting him, and sends any money he has sent straight back. My DS doesn't know how to approach this and honestly neither do I.
So please mumsnet, what do I do?
AIBU to feel totally lost at dealing with this?

You chose to continue with the pregnancy though. You had a choice not to.

I think as others have said you have to apologise unequivocally, and say you love her and are there for her now, if she ever needs you.

Wow. You are massively minimising and victim-blaming.

It is not the daughter that needs to 'grow up and have forgiveness'. The OP needs to grow up and accept she majorly neglected her daughter, and show genuine remorse. She doesn't even deserve forgiveness, she can only hope for it. With the way she dismisses the anorexia and says she 'went out of her way' (what a nasty piece of work OP is!), when she clearly didn't, I don't see the OP truly showing 100% genuine remorse. And that is what is needed for forgiveness. As I said, even now her language she uses is very dismissive and insulting.

With what you've described and the way you've narrated it, I'd also go NC, although not just with you, with your DH also.

Okay, thank you everyone for the comments, even if some feel extra harsh.

To clarify, none of our children were disabled at birth, our eldest son wasn't diagnosed until he was 9 years old. 3 of our children sustained disabilities from a car accident, which has had life long ramifications, 3 are autistic, 2 of my children have arthritis. Comparably DD was the easy child, she was happy to play in the garden, go out with friends, never ever did I get so much as a single complaint from school (she was head girl, straight As, popular), she never really got in trouble, never backchatted, or left her room messy, yes she missed curfew here and there but she would text or call and say she would be late/where she was. As soon as we had concerns about her eating we made sure she received all the help she needed, and kept a close eye on her to ensure she didn't relapse. I know it sounds awful but it always felt like she was one step ahead of us even, she came to me when she got her first boyfriend and asked to go the doctors for birth control, she would come in and say oh I have an athletics competition or hockey match on this day but I've already asked xyzs mum to take me, it often felt like she was just a mini adult, like she had it more together than we did it, we never asked her to do this at all, she was just always so together. Even at about age 7 I recall her reminding us when it was time to give her brothers meds, obviously we knew, but she would be so anxious if we were as much as 2 minutes late.
If I could back I'd do things differently but I'm not even sure how I would as she wasn't easy to parent, not because she was difficult but because she was more together than we were!

Do you not see why she was like that? She did those things because she felt like she had to. She didn't feel like her parents were able to parent her, so she had to look after herself. She grew up too early - not because she was smart or more together, but because she had to. She was never able to be a child. And you and her father let this happen because it made life easier for you. You pretty much sacrificed her mental health and wellbeing so you could focus on your other children. She realised this eventually and this is why things are the way they are now.

It’s a hard situation all round for all of you.

my partner was in a similar situation and is also non contact with his parents. He had to bring up his younger siblings and like you say became a mini adult. He missed out on a lot and probably similar to your daughter, once he left home after school and left the responsibilities of being a mini adult, he went off the rails abit. Not with drugs but alcohol and it was really bad. He is now however absolutely fine but he does resent his childhood

I guess I don't feel like she did give up her childhood, everyone always told us how she was just so fun, always dancing around, doing the splits, life of the party from day one, always up to give anything and everything a go. She had loads of hobbies from snowboarding to athletics to hockey and tennis. She had loads of friends, always had kids in the garden on the trampoline with her. She never failed when picky up new hobbies, learnt to play the drums and piano, used to bloody skateboard to school or cycle to park and play with friends, if that isn't a childhood what is?

You still don't get it...

Feels like quite a minimizing update there OP. Actual anorexia or "concerns about her eating"? Which is it? Lots of teens go through phases with food but actual anorexia is an extremely serious, sometimes fatal condition. I was pretty shocked when you just dropped it in at the end the original post. Why is a seven year old feeling the weight of responsibility over her sibling's medication? 'Oh she was more together than us' - do you not see how messed up this sounds? Children shouldn't be bearing that kind of responsibility. Frankly it all seems a bit late for you to be concerned about her now and want to intervene in her life. The ball is in her court. You could let her know the door is open but I wouldn't blame her if she didn't call you. It wasn't to this extent, but I often felt I couldn't share with my mother who herself has a lot of issues because her attitude was (and is) 'Oh, x is smart, she'll be fine, she'll figure it out, she's always okay'. Which I am, because no-one else was going to do it, so the result is that as an adult I'm a pretty guarded person and I'm careful about what information I share with her. Actually, right now, I'm not so fine, because I might have Graves disease, but I wouldn't tell her because she wouldn't handle the information in anything like a productive or helpful way. And I'm not dealing with ADHD or anything on top of it. So I can 100% see how your daughter has got to this place. She's only young and she may relent with time but honestly, its up to her at this point.

You can't do anything. Messages, supportive or otherwise will not be welcomed and she knows where you are if she needs you.

She was diagnosed with anorexia, obviously we didn't know that when the concerns first arose though which was why I worded it like that. She always said she was too busy to eat or forgot to eat, we had no idea at first that there were body image issues too.

To me that sounds like trying to buy her happiness rather than actually spending time with her.

until you accept that you failed her then you won’t be able to rebuild the relationship.

This.

In her shoes, I would stay NC too.

She is desperately trying to manage a life where she can see the edges of her world and get a bit of control. You coming into that will just smash it all to pieces.

I was always left to get on with it compared to my sister who constantly needed and demanded attention. Every aspect of my live suffered as I might as well have been living under a hedge rather than within a family.

She's doing the best she can. Leave her be. You are not the benign influence you think you are because of the choices you have made.

She had to be that way because you weren't, she needed you to be in control, she needed you to be a parent. The fact she went NC as soon as she left shows how much trying to be together hurt her. I had to be that way too, it takes a heavy toll, I ended up in an abusive marriage and between him and my parents and then my parents again when I left my abusive marriage I dont think I will ever allow myself to rely on someone else again. I see my DD try to be the parent and I make it clear that Ive got it and she doesn't need to worry about those things and as the parent those things are my job. That's what she needed for you to have it together for her, she needed to see that she didn't need to be that way, she needed to know you were ok and that those weren't her burdens to carry.

I am sorry for all you've been through, just as I feel for what my parents went through, but understanding doesn't reduce the hurt and doesn't excuse the harm. All I can suggest, if you haven't done so far, is a from the heart no excuses, no justifications written apology, ONCE only and say you'll be there if she ever wants to talk or see you. But her childhood obviously hurt her a lot and she may be best off away from that especially if you actually can't give her anything more now. If you cant genuinely be there for her, if you're going to keep putting her siblings needs before hers please just leave her alone to fix her life as best she can.

Your dd made herself into the perfect child in order to make life as easy as possible for you, she realised if she was happy, helpful, loving snd academic then she was loved and it took the pressure off you. However it was never who she really was, she was probably a tired, stressed, worried child if all her siblings had a disability, if there was a huge car crash. She could never ever sustain this, the eating disorder is absolutely a testament to this, it was her cry for you to see her. I honestly think you cannot remark on her life bow, she would never trust you yo help her. Keep the lines of communication open with her df and hope she one day reaches out. I think you have not really understood the impact of her childhood. Lots of friends and hobbies were obviously masking lots of issues. She pushed herself to be perfect.

Having to worry about your siblings, having to remind your parents to give meds, having to arrange your own transport to events, having to accept that no one will come to your parents evening or sports events, having to be more put together than your parents, having to be a mini-adult...is not a normal childhood. That is a HUGE mental toll which manifested as an eating disorder (which at the root of it is about trying to feel in control) and other mental health problems. Your child kept herself busy in the best ways she could until she was legally old enough to get the hell away. But she is still suffering from the effects of her childhood.

This sounds like good advice - a letter from the heart.

This is why no one should have 5 kids. That was a choice you made and you have to live with the consequences that having so many kids did indeed cause damage to one of them. Have you apologised to her for the choices you made that led to her feeling neglected?

You are very dismissive in your updates. And anorexia is extremely serious condition which can be fatal so I don't understand how she you could describe her as easy.

Let her be. She'll make mistakes but she'll learn from them. A lot of people go through phases like that at uni.

It's parents who show they love you, prioritise time with you, know enough about you that they see when you're struggling. Feeling safe and knowing your parents have things under control.

She had to grow up too fast and it's affected her, you also seem very blasé about not noticing she had anorexia and ADHD. I chose not to have lots of children. Regardless of disability it becomes crowd control. My mum is one of six, my dad is one of nine, none of their siblings (or they) had more than two children, what does that tell you about growing up with lots of siblings?

OP, it’s concerning that even now you seem reluctant to acknowledge that you neglected your daughter when she was growing up. She knows you neglected her, and if she is as intelligent as she sounds, she will also know that you found ways to justify that to yourself. God knows you’ve tried to justify it to us here.

She is an adult. She doesn’t want anything to do with you. Respect her wishes and leave her alone.

You weren’t there for her, and she had to be the adult because you weren’t. It makes me quite angry to read your post OP as I had a mother like you, who neglected to look after me and always made excuses for it, was just incapable of taking responsibility. You damaged her, no wonder she has gone NC, I did the same!

It sounds like she could be struggling now, I did too for several years when I was that age, after being the A grade high achiever but having the feeling that I wasn’t “good enough” under it all. I doubt she will trust you enough though to take help from you. If you are genuine about wanting to make up for all the years when you didn’t look after her, suggest you reach out in a non-judgemental way and be prepared that it will take time and effort on your part to make amends.

So your advice to someone that has ignored the needs and feelings of their child is to continue to ignore the needs and feeling of the child and that the child should grow up.

Absolutely deluded.

if that isn’t a childhood what is

Loving, engaged and affectionate parents who spend time with you. Who can’t get enough of you.