Worried about DD who is NC

[SMEHJmammy]

Afternoon all,
I have 5 DC, ages 18-26, my middle child is my 22 year old DD. DD and I have been no contact for almost 5 years (since she left for uni). The context of this is my other 4 children all have chronic health conditions/disabilities, DD was our only "healthy" child and as such she feels she was neglected. I feel awful about her feeling this way and miss her very much, she was never intentionally neglected but with 4 children with complicated needs she was the "easy" child. My ex husband and I definitely weren't the best parents to her, we missed parents evening, sports games etc. This was never because of a lack of love but rather being overstretched by the needs of our other children. Since the day DD left for uni, I haven't heard from her. She talks to her dad but also hasn't seen him in that time (he does insist on sending her money though) and she still talks to her siblings. She struggled with her mental health somewhat as a teen but we did go out of our way to provide her with as much support as we could, especially as some awful things external to family life happened. I was also told recently that she received a formal ADHD diagnosis, but this was never something anyone was concerned about when she was a child.
Anyway, DD has always been a very smart, responsible girl, she was head girl, straight As, she went to St Andrews and I know she graduated in the summer with a first class honours, and is now in London doing her masters.

Recently my eldest DS went to visit her, and he has come back feeling quite concerned, he said that she is drinking a lot, several week days after uni and on the weekends (out well into the early hours), she smokes weed (he said not like a "stoner" but socially), vapes, has used cocaine, seems to be just dating random men all the time. He also said she seems to be surviving on very little sleep, energy drinks and not enough food (she was anorexic as a teen).
I miss DD all the time, but I'm also feeling incredibly worried. I have tried to contact her to no avail, my ex husband says if he mentions anything about this to her she stops contacting him, and sends any money he has sent straight back. My DS doesn't know how to approach this and honestly neither do I.
So please mumsnet, what do I do?
AIBU to feel totally lost at dealing with this?

I have an NC brother. He is NC with all of our family. It was his choice, after a series of rows and accusations that could have been resolved , like most rows can be with sensible talking and baby steps but he didn’t want to. I periodically reached out to him , less often or actually not at all as the years have passed. He knows how to contact us via SM and he still talks to family friends. For years I kept an eye out on him via SM and family friends. I know he is doing ok and I have to leave him be.
It is sad (more so for my parents) but it is DB wish, his mind is set. Maybe one day he will change his mind. Interestingly, he was a middle child of too many and I think he may have felt like a spare part too. TBF I think all the older children did.
OP, just watch her from a distance, ask her siblings to stay close but don’t pry. You could ask DS to steer her towards ADHD treatment/counselling. You can reasonably expect them to tell you any major news but otherwise, respect her wish for confidentiality. Maybe one day she will come back to you, maybe not.

That's exactly what I thought tbh.

I had a similar childhood to your DD by the sounds of it. I didn't go NC but I kept my family at a distance.

There's nothing you can do except be there if SHE chooses to contact you.

Oh I see. I have Ed very much on my mind. Idk. I’d still try and apologise profusely if in this situation with no expectation of response. At least she will know her mother is remorseful for not caring for her in the way she needed.

OP realistically what support/help could you give her now?

think it through and if you really think you have something of value to offer her then write to her. Apologise without making excuses about your mistakes in the past and lay out how you would like to help her. Tell her it’s an open door policy now and in the future.

then leave her alone at her age she has to come to you not the other way around, if you’ve apologised and opened the door I don’t think there is anything else you can do.

It's tricky OP, while she may have had an easier time than her siblings she clearly had a difficult upbringing compared to her peers that had involved parents.

I know people who really struggled when they got to university and saw other people's involved parents. I don't even mean parents that helicoptered or provided financial support just parents that were driving them up and buying things like pots and pans. This was often when the estrangement started.

You can't change what's happened but I think that all you can do is keep lines of communication open.

I work with students, and have met a few women who sound like your daughter. They talk about struggling as a teen with what turned out later to be adhd, and about how their parents dismissed things, had "more important things to worry about" and how they were hurt by how their parents didn't notice their struggles, or saw them but thought they were less important than other siblings' issues. These women are in great pain at feeling unloved and of less importance (and less loved) than siblings. Even though they can rationalise as an adult about why parents had to prioritise other things, the child part of them still just simply feels less loved. I can absolutely understand why some of these people will go no contact.

I like the suggestion of someone upthread who suggested writing and being honest without any excuses or justifications. If you think about the child inside your daughter and what she needs, it may be that she needs to hear acknowledgment that you got things wrong, an honest apology and an offer to really listen to her. But you have to be prepared to accept that it may also be too late, and it may not be fixable.

You apologise profusely for your failings, tell her how much you miss her and love the opportunity to build a new relationship with her. How proud you are of her achievements that's she's accomplished despite the very tough life she's had.

This too - as a child you accept everything as you know no different. Then at school or uni when you suddenly see that not everyone experienced things in the same way, you start to that perhaps your life wasn't typical after all.

Or you can respect her choice to be NC.

You can't step in to try and parent her now.

You didn't parent her when she needed it, and now she has developed her own strategies to cope.

You don't get to dismiss her struggles when she needed you and choose to be concerned later because you have the time and inclination now.

This is harsh when I read it in black n white but it was exactly my thoughts . It doesn't sound like the poor girl had much of a good childhood .

People with adhd often do well within the structure of school and uni but fall apart when that structure is removed.

It is probably too late to have a meaningful relationship but maybe try to encourage her siblings to keep involved.

I work with eating disorders and they are often a physical way for someone to say they are not ok if they feel they can’t verbally say it. Sorry but my basically ignoring the issue to concentrate on your other children, this would have made the anorexia worse. While I appreciate you had it very hard, so did your daughter and she has a right to decide a relationship with you is not good for her.

Have you tried contacting with a heartfelt apology? A letter perhaps - without the information about the other children having additional needs, but that you failed in areas of her upbringing, you recognise it, you feel bad about it and are sorry, and that if she ever wants to reach out to you, you are here

I’m not sure a letter would be to her benefit, as opposed to OP’s tbh. It’s a way to get her say in, when what the daughter actually wants is NC. Respect that.

I have a friend with a disabled sibling that’s NC with her mother for the same reasons. She doesn’t, and wouldn’t, want a letter even if it was one of apology. The damage is done, and apologies are just words. She has no interest in her mother or sibling, and any attempts at contact would be at best an irritant.

I'd also like to know why you kept having children.

I know someone with 5 children with complex needs, but it wasn't obvious that any of them had difficulties until much later on. 25 years ago autism for example wasn't so well understood.

One of my daughters developed epilepsy aged 14.

It isn't always the case that you know, especially if you have the children close together, have twins.

Can you really not see, @SMEHJmammy why this child who was basically the ''Cinderella'' feels aggrieved and unloved?

Four children is a lot- and attention needs to be shared equally so children aren't left to feel that they were the afterthought, and one who could basically bring herself up.

I have seen a sibling never contact their parents again- this sibling was very much ''the afterthought'' due to the younger child's health issues {Physical health}.
It is very sad all round.

Possibly a VERY honest letter, IF you really mean it, saying how sorry you are, and how lonely and upsetting it must have been for her as a child.

But it sounds like you don't like her very much, implying that she sees her dad for money.

Kids are so hungry for attention and love, unless it can be given equally, it's far better to just have one or two children that one can equally care for rather than stretch yourself too thinly in the giving attention {Kids see this as ''love''} department.

If this is real... I feel resentful on her behalf! "Easy" child without special needs? With adhd and anorexia? Why on earth did you have 5 children. Even with no additional needs you would have been spread too thin.

If things were already rough why go on to have 2 more children after her?

Sounds like she’s had a shit childhood. You should have done better. And I’m the sister of someone with special needs. I know how it feels to be left behind but not to this extent.

your poor DD.

This!

I am NC with my mother due to her severe lack of ability to parent (she fucked off when I was very young and stayed away until I was an adult). A sorry letter would just be fucking empty platitudes as far as I’m concerned.