AIBU to look after granddaughter for childcare but not pick up from nursery?

[BeCosyFox]

My daughter is going back to work soon and plans to have granddaughter in nursery 5 days a week. I have happily offered to have her 3 of those days. I only work part time and would love to look after her on the other days I can. She doesn’t want that and wants her to go to nursery but has asked for some wrap around care. Grandaughter won’t be in nursery full days but half a day with wrap around care from me on the 3 days I can do (as her shift starts later in the day and ends after nursery closing time) I will have her about and hour and a half for those 3 days if I was going by what daughter wants. I just don’t understand why she wouldn’t want me to have her, we have a good relationship and are close and I’ve looked after my other grandchild (from other daughter) in a similar way before he went to school and it was a huge help being able to offer free childcare with lots of one on one time, it’s made me and my grandson have a lovely bond and I’d like the same with my granddaughter. I’m always happy to follow any rules she would like etc but she is adamant on nursery and I cannot understand why that’s the case. So many of my friends say it’s lovely I can offer that and their children would jump at the opportunity for a grandparent to have them over nursery and I agree and am hurt by this to the point that I don’t want to do the wrap around care for nursery. Is it unreasonable to say no to the pick up from nursery even though I’d have her for the whole 3 days? I just feel it’s not a give and take situation and if she doesn’t want me to have her in the day, then I don’t want to do that. I am very hurt she would prefer to pay nursery fees and have her child with nursery workers over her grandmother

The child in the OP is not 1, unless I've missed a drip feed somewhere? They're attending a preschool type setting for a few hours a day?

Yes, there's solid evidence that at population level children who attend a setting before school do better than those who don't across a variety of metrics, @OutandAboutMum1821 , and I'm fully awake and not aware of any brainwashing dictatorship that's forcing the hand of parents to use them here. HTH

Really? Of all the things going on in the world, you’re getting this worked up over a comment regarding a stranger’s grammar?

Not worked up at all. I think this was a very rude personal attack and uncalled for and don't think comments like yours should go unchallenged. I don't have to get worked up to press a report button.

Your granddaughter needs to socialize with other children or she might get lonely and/or might be disadvantaged when she starts attending school

@podgepie I would ask why you are getting worked up about a stranger's grammar enough to make such rude comments, when there's so much going on in the world?

In any case her grammar has nothing to do with her post, and certainly poor grammar does not affect a grandparent's ability to provide childcare, as you seem to be implying.

That’s fair enough, I didn’t realise that you didn’t have children.

As previously stated, my own Mum would help, and I personally would still help as I’d rather see my GC for a short time rather than not at all. If I needed help for 5 days, and it really meant that much to my Mum and was upsetting her, surely allowing her 1 or 2 days would be a kind thing to compromise on. Of course though none of us know the full history of their family dynamic, every family is so different.

We sadly have only 1 out of 4 GPs still alive for our children, so constantly feel ours are missing out on the time they could have had with them. My husband at 39 is so young to be without either of his parents, so it saddens me when families are at odds generally as time is precious.

For the record, it is ultimately up to the child’s parents to decide, of course, as it is their child 😊

Not worked up at all & you can read what you wish into my earlier post. I don’t see why people shouldn’t write properly on a public forum & wouldn’t find it rude if someone called me out on it.

Clearly this has hit a nerve for you but that’s your prerogative.

The evidence certainly suggests benefits for children attending pre-school over 3. My own children attended a fabulous Nursery linked to their school, great staff, provision, couldn’t have wished for more. It was an excellent start to their education.

I do however question nurseries being the best/only type of care for the under 2’s in particular. Some will be good, but arguably no better than a parent/childminder/nanny/grandparent who could provide a more individualised experience. There are local groups, soft play, parks etc for socialisation, and loads of opportunities to learn through play at home. I actually kitted out my own garden as I did my previous Reception class (lucky to have that teaching experience, realise not everyone does). All of these options will vary in quality, and vary by what suits each child.

I just take exception to the government endlessly promoting institutionalised care as the only/best solution. I am not convinced they really care about what is best for parents/children. Just what suits them in terms of efficiency/financially.

All options should exist, and I trust parents more to do their own research and see what suits their own child- they are the experts on their children, not the government.

I think possibly there’s a clash of attitudes and your responses to the thread probably indicate why your daughter is hesitant. She’s explained her reasons for her decision and you’ve still brushed her (and people on the thread) off basically with a “I don’t understand your POV so therefore it’s not the right decision” attitude. You are essentially comparing your two daughters in terms of how they want to parent, one obviously did what you wanted, this one isn’t, it doesn’t mean she’s not making good choices for her daughter, just different ones for her own reasons.

I think most parents wouldn’t like their child brushing them off in favour of a grandparent, so if this is what your daughter has seen happen before with her sister and her nephew then that’s probably coloured her view of boundaries with her own child. She hasn’t said you can’t have 1:1 she’s saying what you did for her sister in terms of exclusive childcare impacted your relationship with her nephew in a way she obviously finds problematic/ uncomfortable. She’s found a middle ground and offered you an olive branch, I’d take it.

The gc won't be in nursery full time but 5 half days, I'm assuming the afternoons since the OP speaks of wraparound care after the "nursery is closed". So not the nicest of times to collect her when, as others have said, she'll be tired and probably over-stimulated.

It is tricky. If I was the mum, and having all morning with my child, I'd probably like nursery in the afternoon to assuage my worries about whether my child is being " educated " / "enriched". I remember those feelings. Nursery can look very seductive.

I guess dd has seen what childcare looks like for her nephew and he seeking comfort from gp rather than mum, which is painful. And questions about housework when it's a half days only?

It could well be that the baby will pick up every bug going and dd will need her mum for childcare if she and partner can't cover it between them.

I can absolutely see the POV of the OP but at the end of the day, it's her dd's decision about nursery

@PodgePie

Not worked up at all & you can read what you wish into my earlier post. I don’t see why people shouldn’t write properly on a public forum & wouldn’t find it rude if someone called me out on it.

It's very poor grammar to use '&' rather than 'and' in full sentences. Just so you know.

Again, glass houses and all that.

My first thought was keeping consistency for the child. Every weekday at the same place is better than 2 days at nursery and 3 days with grandma then the weekends at home etc. Child feels more stability rather then never fully settling anywhere.

@BeCosyFox - the bottom line is that you don’t have to know or understand why your daughter wants to use a nursery - it is her child and her choice.

If you decide to refuse to do wrap around care for your grandchild, you will be cutting off your own nose to spite your face, and I honestly can’t see the point in doing that.

if you read the OP’s posts, she says the child will be 1.

I wouldn’t have wanted my mum to have my children for three full days because I would have been worried they would love her more than me. Could it be something like that? Mine had one day with each grandma and even then it would hurt if they would have more fun on those days than when I was with them and trying to put washes on etc. Try not to take it personally, there are a lot of emotions involved, especially with the first child.

She probably wants the social side of nursery and a lot of nurseries are feeders so gives her more control over which school she gets accepted to when she is older. It's a lot harder to find spaces closer to school start, it's better if they are there from the beginning. She will also have a lot of her little friends with her as she moves up rooms and years as well.

If you don't want to do the wrap around then don't but accept that you won't see as much of your grandchild.

I wouldn’t say it’s poor grammar exactly but thanks for correcting me.

I wouldn't accept 3 days a week childcare.

Nursery is kind of a sure bet. If a staff member is ill another takes their place. Same if one is on holiday. There's a contract in place and her place is secure.

If she's relying on you it's a risk. You could be unwell, want to go on holiday, you could decide with no notice you don't want to do it anymore. The last actually happened to my friend recently. Her MIL suddenly quit no notice and she almost lost her job scrambling to make other childcare arrangements.

Personally I think you're cutting your nose off to spite your face here and just proving the point that you'll happily leave her without childcare when you're in a huff with her because she won't give you what you want.

If your grand-daughter would only be in for half-days, wouldn't you then have the other half-days with her?

Another consideration could be which days it is. Nurseries often want children to have consecutive days with them, so if 'your days' would mean gaps between 'nursery days' then the alternative to half days could be losing her nursery place altogether.

Do you respect your daughter as a mother?

If so, then you'll respect the choices she makes for the childcare of her children.

If you don't respect her parental choices, then it's bloody obvious why she doesn't want you caring for her children 3 full days a week.

That's the bottom line.

I can maybe add some perspective from your daughter's standpoint because to be honest I'm pretty similar. I have very gratefully declined any childcare from grandparents and my son is in nursery every day I am at work. I appreciate everyone is different and that different things work for different people but these are my personal reasons:

Nursery will supervise and educate my son, not parent him. I think grandparents will naturally gravitate towards parenting which is understandable, but I didn't want the lines blurred. Kind of like how it will be when my children are in school. School is for education and home is for parenting
Nursery is consistent, I don't have to factor in changes of plans, extenuating circumstances or emergencies. If he's booked into nursery I know that's where he will be going
Routine - I need a routine in my life and I have always been very routine-led with my son so his days at nursery are just part of his weekly routine
I feel really comfortable speaking to his nursery workers about what he likes to do at home, how he liked to be fed, how he sleeps best etc and it's purely professional, not personal. I would feel like if I were dictating any of these things to family members it could be uncomfortable and I don't want to be in that position
On several occasions my son's grandparents have commented on things like "you were so much quicker than me at spotting that potential disaster", or "oh gosh I didn't even notice he was about to do that". The reality is my son is a speedy toddler, grandparents are considerably older than his nursery workers and whilst in good health their mobility is not as quick as mine or the staff at nursery. And I would hate for anything to happen to him in their care that caused them to feel any guilt

So these are my reasons, some or all (or none!) may apply to how your daughter feels, but I just wanted to say there could be a number of reasons why she has made that choice. I adore all my son's grandparents and it doesn't take away from how close he is to them or how much I value them in his life, it's just that there are things outside of this that I would want to factor in

YABU. Your comments come across well intentioned but extremely judgemental. Mothers are made to feel guilty enough about going back to work. Maybe she doesn't want her daughter to eat chocolate (because granny's treat their grandchildren) or to watch tv during the day or hang about whilst you do housework. Because if she can't be there for her daughter maybe she feels guilty and feels this is the best option. Maybe she wants her child to socialise or wants someone trained in paediatric first aid or the EYFS curriculum. Maybe she doesn't want to rely on you (there's an 18 month waiting list at our nursery, we'd be totally screwed if we were that reliant on free childcare), maybe she thinks you'll get too tired. Whatever her reasons, that's her choice.

I think all of these posts comparing nursery to a grandparents care is irrelevant. The mum has made a decision and no one appreciates having to justify their parenting decisions (or being compared to a siblings parenting decisions).

It doesn't sound like there is anything wrong with doing the pick up only, it's just not meeting expectations. But unfortunately a parent's expectations of a grandparents role doesn't necessarily match the grandparents expectations. It doesn't mean you're not valued. You risk missing out on a lovely opportunity to spend 1:1 time with your granddaughter if you turn down her offer.

The reason Mumsnet is so pro-nurseries especially for under two's ( which is not the truth at all) is because so many have done that with their own children. Nobody wants to think they have done the wrong thing so they stick like glue to the position that they were/are right.

OP - if it's only a 5 minute drive I'd do it two of the days, she can sort the third because she's going to have to if all these misadventures are going to occur to you that people are worried about. She needs a backup plan. I would feel like I was being used as a taxi service. I'd probably offer 1 day a week instead, or as a pp mentioned 1 saturday a month, or a few days in the holidays.