AIBU to look after granddaughter for childcare but not pick up from nursery?

[BeCosyFox]

My daughter is going back to work soon and plans to have granddaughter in nursery 5 days a week. I have happily offered to have her 3 of those days. I only work part time and would love to look after her on the other days I can. She doesn’t want that and wants her to go to nursery but has asked for some wrap around care. Grandaughter won’t be in nursery full days but half a day with wrap around care from me on the 3 days I can do (as her shift starts later in the day and ends after nursery closing time) I will have her about and hour and a half for those 3 days if I was going by what daughter wants. I just don’t understand why she wouldn’t want me to have her, we have a good relationship and are close and I’ve looked after my other grandchild (from other daughter) in a similar way before he went to school and it was a huge help being able to offer free childcare with lots of one on one time, it’s made me and my grandson have a lovely bond and I’d like the same with my granddaughter. I’m always happy to follow any rules she would like etc but she is adamant on nursery and I cannot understand why that’s the case. So many of my friends say it’s lovely I can offer that and their children would jump at the opportunity for a grandparent to have them over nursery and I agree and am hurt by this to the point that I don’t want to do the wrap around care for nursery. Is it unreasonable to say no to the pick up from nursery even though I’d have her for the whole 3 days? I just feel it’s not a give and take situation and if she doesn’t want me to have her in the day, then I don’t want to do that. I am very hurt she would prefer to pay nursery fees and have her child with nursery workers over her grandmother

No, it really doesn’t. We need a national campaign on this as theirs is so much misinformation on this topic in this country. That will never happen though because the government wants everyone to ditch their babies in institutional care and get back to work as soon as possible.

There will be a number of factors but it sounds like she's giving you alot of reasons - because you're asking for them.

You don't like the offer of being there for wrap around care so are pushing for more or trying to understand why more doesn't tally with your daughters wishes. She's told you why, and either she's being honest and you aren't understanding it or liking what you hear, or there's something she doesn't want to say in which case it's better not to say it and stay on great terms. It's sounds unlikely the latter as you said you have a brilliant relationship with her.

Nursery places can be tricky to get and there's no guarantee she can flex up and down with holidays you may take. I think the balance she is giving her child is brilliant, if they have half days at nursery and then a family member doing the rest of the care, that's a lovely balance.

However, it is no one but your daughters call as to whether nursery is the right thing.

Well the father is also allowed to have an input if he is on the scene.

I wouldn’t make my Mum feel second best to a Nursery, or expect her then to do pick ups for the scraps of the day after that, no. That’s really cheeky.

If Nana had a proper day or two with her they could would have proper time to have a trip to the park, soft play, wherever. There’s plenty to do apart from Nursery, it really isn’t the be all and end all.

with people having to work until 67 to claim their pension there must be less and less grandparents able to help
my colleague was very upset that she worked full time until 66 and couldnt help with the everyday child care.

If you genuinely want to help and support your child then give her the support she is asking for/needs, not what suits your own desires/needs. If she isn't comfortable with how your relationship with your grandson affects the relationship with his mother (choosing you over her for comfort) that's v natural, particularly with a first time mum with an infant.
If she AND her partner, let's not forget that he has a voice in this too, want the consistency of nursery and things not being difficult if you are sick etc then that's OK. What they need is a bit of help to collect the baby around 5pm or whenever 3 days a week, why wouldn't you want to help? It's still time with your grandchild, and things change who knows they may ask down the line 8f you could help a little more.
If the little one is sick on one of the 3 days you are available to look after her and can't go to nursery are you now going to refuse to just out of spite? Tbh the fact you are considering threatening them with no help if they don't give in and give you want you want would make me dig my heels in even more re nursery, it comes across quite controlling. Of course you are disappointed if you assumed you were going to have the child 3 days, but you don't need to spoil your relationship with your child over it

i agree Gransnet would be a better place to post op @BeCosyFox

@HJA87

Those “dedicated” carers are mostly young girls who have gone into childcare for the lack of other job opportunities.

What a snobby, dismissive and ignorant thing to say. This sort of comment doesn't make you sound very bright at all.

Well, it is factual

It's one of those things where it's fine for her to suggest a different pattern to what you have suggested and it's fine for you to decline that option.
You have to remember, when we have children we don't know what we are doing and often make decisions on very spurious grounds.
It does seem as though she has looked at how things were with nephew and has decided she doesn't want that - but not because you did anything wrong, just because perhaps the arrangement made you the primary attachment figure and maybe that was difficult for the parents. She's seeing some pitfalls there and trying to avoid them.
Stick to your guns but accept that they have free choice to make their own choices, they are not obliged to accept your generous offer. And you are not obliged to do their nursery run. I don't blame you for rejecting this option.

@PodgePie

Nope, not ashamed. Absolutely nothing wrong in using punctuation & I stand by my comment (if you’d bothered to read it).

I think you meant to use 'and' mid sentence there, not &.

Glass houses and all that.

My eldest was ‘granny reared’ as someone else has put it! He is really close to his Grandma still and they spend a lot of time together. I love that they have a close relationship and it doesn’t take anything away from his relationship with me.

OP could you do 1 full day perhaps? Otherwise I guess if she is adamant about nursery then it’s up to you if you feel you can do the pickup or not.

There is the practical aspect of this which I think you should focus on OP:

1. From her perspective, having a nursery place every day is a stable arrangement for her and gives her security that she won’t have to take time off work if you get ill / tired. It provides continuity for her dd and maybe she feels that is best if the nursery has a lot of great people working there, good activities and children to grow up & place with.

2. From your perspective, making the journey and then having only 1.5 hours with your dgd is not ideal - it seems rushed, like a pitstop before your dgd goes home. Your dgd may be very tired after being at nursery, wanting to be at home and not able to settle for that short time.

Like other posters have said, try to find a compromise where you can spend more time with dgd on one /two of the days, respecting what your dd needs and wants for her dd.

YABU and turning down the compromise is only cutting off your nose to spite your face.

It could also be she wants a predictable routine for her child. Additionally, some nurseries only offer you a place if you go for 3 full days. So she might not have an option

My late DM provided childcare for my sister's 2 children. The kids loved their nanny, but in terms of suddenly not being able to do a day or taking last minute holidays leaving my DSis and DBil scrambling for childcare it had definite drawbacks. Plus it's fine to say you'll follow her wishes, but maybe she doesn't want to have to tell you what you can and can't do, it feels ungrateful. Also it's a way for kids to socialise as well.

For my own DD, I have her in creche 5 days a week and couldn't do 4 days as the creche had a long waitlist so it was 5 days or nothing. However DMIL wanted to have her one day a week. The compromise is that I pay for the full days but on that one day she gets collected after lunch by my in laws. The benefit of this is that if my in laws are on holidays or sick I'm not left scrambling for childcare last minute and my daughter gets decent one on one time with on laws. Could this be a compromise to suggest?

I agree, very dismissive and ignorant. I can never understand that mindset either. Childcare is simultaneously "the most important job in the world" when we are guilt tripping working mothers, and also "a crap job for low paid women who don't have any other options".

Some posters haven't a clue. Children in nurseries aren't cooped up in a room all day. My kids went to a nursery where there was a large garden, a field and outdoor play / activities daily. Lots of creative activities indoors too.

If the only nursery care available to you or affordable for you is somewhere where kids are cooped up in one room all day, then I feel sorry for you, and if I'd been in your situation I'd have had to give up work or try to use a relative for cheap childcare.

Honestly it's so transparent that a minority of posters feel quite aggrieved that some children go to nursery, absolutely thrive and grow up just as healthy, happy and well adjusted as children who don't. Smacks a little of mummy martyr syndrome, that unless mum has jacked in work or made huge sacrifices to avoid using childcare, she's failed in some way. I guess if you feel you've made such a huge sacrifice, you want to feel your children somehow grow up 'better,' and I guess it frustrates you when children who've been in nursery grow up just as wonderful.

I mean this kindly OP but you sound a bit over invested, to the point of maybe competing with your DD. You can have a lovely bond with your DGC without having sole care of them several days a week. Your DD has her own reasons for wanting her daughter in nursery and you should respect that because in the end this is her child.

From a practical point of view I do agree that waiting around to do a collection at lunchtime would be very inconvenient and a waste of your morning and I wouldn’t want to be tied to such an arrangement, perhaps you could explain it this way and see if a compromise is possible.

Wow! There’s a lot of stuff in here which makes your daughter’s decision much clearer. It’s all about you wanting a specific type of relationship with your grandchild and you admit that you don’t even recognise your daughters concern about their child choosing you for comfort over them (which is a pretty controlling thing), you’re also negative about their parenting choices in lots of ways.

You’re really undermining her as a parent

My mum offered childcare and I said no. Nothing against my mum or her care, but I wanted DC to socialise with other kids and have consistency of care and routine. Plus nursery is always open so no need to worry about illness and holidays, plus I felt if I'm paying for care and it's not a relative it would be easier to address any issues or give feedback without risking relationships. I also wanted the grandparent relationship to be just fun not become a burden, and I wanted my parents to have the freedom to enjoy retirement without the regular commitment. So your daughter probably has many valid reasons for her decision without it being about your ability to take that role.

That said yanbu in saying no to essentially being a taxi service as you'd be unable to commit to plans for yourself but without the upside of having DGC, so imo your daughter is being unreasonable in asking that.

I think you need to sit down and talk to your DD to find a solution that suits you all. Perhaps you could do 1 full day and 1 pick up a week and your dd makes plans for the other day. Or you could offer to have DGC for a weekend once a month to give the parents a break and leave them to sort childcare. Just try not to get emotional or make it all about you, as you don't want to fall out if you are close

How lovely - but maybe OP's daughter doesn’t feel the same way about her mum as you do about yours. I understand why OP feels hurt, but quite possibly the daughter doesn’t agree 100% with her mother's parenting style, or can see that her mother is unable now to be as active a companion as a toddler needs.

Tricky. I understand why she chooses nursery because it provides security, if you were ill. But I think the other granddaughter seeking comfort from you instead of her mum, and her not wanting that is important, plus she's doing 5 days so maybe feeling guilt?

Perhaps she wants her daughter to have a peer group and socialise rather than hang out with her grandma all day.

Plenty of research actually proves institutionalised group care for babies and toddlers is harmful, especially for under 1’s. This decreases until they are 3, it is over 3 that an benefits can be proven. Research also shows the longer the hours, the higher cortisol levels reach as the time increases.

This may be inconvenient to parents, but there we are. Neither of mine set foot in a Nursery until they were over 3, and even then only for 3 hours, which was plenty. Actually their teachers commented on how advanced their speech was, which I will take full credit for as I personally made the effort to make conversation with them all day, every day since birth.

I’m sick of the government pushing Nursery only, and would proudly be the last Stay at Home Mother standing! The government can’t control me or me home, I do what I want with my children and I love it! It’s truly liberating.