AIBU to look after granddaughter for childcare but not pick up from nursery?

[BeCosyFox]

My daughter is going back to work soon and plans to have granddaughter in nursery 5 days a week. I have happily offered to have her 3 of those days. I only work part time and would love to look after her on the other days I can. She doesn’t want that and wants her to go to nursery but has asked for some wrap around care. Grandaughter won’t be in nursery full days but half a day with wrap around care from me on the 3 days I can do (as her shift starts later in the day and ends after nursery closing time) I will have her about and hour and a half for those 3 days if I was going by what daughter wants. I just don’t understand why she wouldn’t want me to have her, we have a good relationship and are close and I’ve looked after my other grandchild (from other daughter) in a similar way before he went to school and it was a huge help being able to offer free childcare with lots of one on one time, it’s made me and my grandson have a lovely bond and I’d like the same with my granddaughter. I’m always happy to follow any rules she would like etc but she is adamant on nursery and I cannot understand why that’s the case. So many of my friends say it’s lovely I can offer that and their children would jump at the opportunity for a grandparent to have them over nursery and I agree and am hurt by this to the point that I don’t want to do the wrap around care for nursery. Is it unreasonable to say no to the pick up from nursery even though I’d have her for the whole 3 days? I just feel it’s not a give and take situation and if she doesn’t want me to have her in the day, then I don’t want to do that. I am very hurt she would prefer to pay nursery fees and have her child with nursery workers over her grandmother

This isn’t really about you I hope you realise that. Your daughter is wanting to make sure her child has a routine and structure also by the sounds of it she will get to interact with other littles and you still get to spend time with her without your daughter feeling she’s overloaded her mum with her own motherly duties also and I mean no offence but most nurseries will follow requests of parents re care of the child which as a granny myself we might not necessarily do. Sounds like your daughters weighed up all options to me. You should respect her choices and she clearly wants you to have regular involvement with your granddaughter its just not as much as you want x

Plenty of research actually proves institutionalised group care for babies and toddlers is harmful

Links please. I've posted links demonstrating the opposite upthread.

Do you not think that accidents with hot drinks can't happen in childcare vacilities?

I would be shocked if a hot drink accident happened in a nursery setting, yes.

Way to respect your child's choices as a parent. Not every child would be better off being with their grandparents then in childcare, you have no idea what OPs like except that she thinks she should be able to be her grandchildrens favourites and it's sad if she doesn't get to be favoured over their own mums. If I was the DD and saw this thread I'd be finding alternative care for that 1.5 hours.

This is the crux of it. Unless you get the exact thing you want you aren’t doing any of it. Very manipulative. Seems like you care more about control than time with your DGC. If it was about spending time with her you would gladly take the 1:1 time you are being given, even if it isn’t as much as you want. Quite sad really.

It’s not your child.

I'm of grandparent age although don't have grandchildren yet. I think your daughter's proposal is perfect and it's your daughter's decision. It sounds to me like your daughter is being respectful of your time and your wellbeing.

Sorry but I agree you are having a toddler tantrum, I want it all or I'm not doing any. Try being a supportive adult.

I last raised a child (DTs) in the 80’s and have recently become a grandmother. I have always been interested in child psychology and in the development of language. I’m currently very concerned about the use of mobile phones and screens with babies and children and my DTs are open to me passing on my findings from reading of research.
I don’t need to be given lists of ‘rules’ about food etc; I observe what the parents are doing and follow suit. One to one with me would be mire beneficial than nursery.
Not all grandparents are like me, but nor are they unable to mind a child and contribute to the child’s development.

I'd be hurt too to be honest. I also think that it's a bit sad that a 1 year old will be in nursery 5 days a week when there's a loving family member willing to help.
I bet you'll be ok to have the baby all day if she's too sick for nursery and the parents don't want to lose a day at work!

“It seems she is flinging around a lot of factors that don’t hold much weight when she is giving up on a grandparent providing free care, I can’t understand it.”
You refuse to listen to her, you are dismissing the way she wants to parent because you dont agree with it, so how could she possibly feel comfortable having you doing so much childcare.

But it's OP's life and she's allowed to say what she'd like to do. That doesn't mean Mum must allow it

All here people banging on about child psychology and how an experienced grandmother is effectively useless compared to the minimum wage nursery worker as if they are qualified doctors!

Do you think parents have to do a course before being sent home from hospital with a newborn?

There are many good reasons for choosing a nursery and many fantastic, caring nursery workers. But a one to one carer who is emotionally invested in that child, is also a fantastic option. It's horribly ageist to dismiss grandparents as useless and out of touch just because they may have last reared a child years ago. Not even relevant to the OP anyway, since she's recently looked after her other grandchild!

I can understand your frustration, you're not good enough to have her all day but good enough to be used to collect from nursery .
Your DD will have her reasons for preferring a paid setting over you . All you can do is decide if collecting three days a week works for you .

Personally I wouldn't cut off my noise to spite my face . Collect DGD and enjoy that time .

So rude and unnecessary.

She has a place for your gd at a nursery that she likes and trusts, where your gd will be settled and know the staff. If anything goes pear shaped with your arrangement for any reason, you might be unwell, want to go away, have a falling out, or a thousand other reasons, your daughter has the nursery place as back up.

Also the nursery will be equipped with activities and play equipment that you won’t have, sand and water play, big bikes, craft items, paints available everyday. A third reason is the social stimulation your gd will be getting from other adults and children, she will be learning social skills,like sharing and taking turns, listening skills etc.

It is lovely that she is also going to be able to enjoy 1-1 with her special granny on her granny days as well, your gd is a lucky girl indeed.

who said i didnt

No, I know and agree. But OP does sound a bit entitled.

If you tell her that you don't want to do that, what does she say? Will she change her mind or arrange alternative wrap around care? Seems strange she doesn't want her daughter to bond with you fully? Sounds like she's scared her daughter will seek you for comfort over herself, like with your grandson? Perhaps offer to babysit for date days/nights? I'm sure grand daughter will have days off nursery when she's ill, and you'll have her for the whole day.

well prepared to have your eyes opened
it happened to my dd

I understand your point regarding the benefits to a child of being cared by a loving grandparent in a 1:1 situation. I'm not sure of the relevance of nursery staff being paid the minimum wage. That is not their fault. Many of them have studied professional qualifications in child development and do a fabulous job.

In effect, OP, you are saying "you do it my way or I won't see my granddaughter at all". You would end up not only limiting your relationship with your granddaughter but damaging your relationship with your daughter as well. But that won't matter, will it, because your grandson dotes on you and seeks you out over his mother. Has it occurred to you that Daughter 1 might have warned Daughter 2 about the pitfalls of having you look after her child? You do sound overbearing and somewhat egocentric.

I agree

You didn't ask questions in your comment. Why did you use question marks?

The fact you think you can voice your opinion that 5 days in nursery is too much for a child is probably the reason your daughter doesn’t want to leave her child with you for any longer! Are you always so judgemental of your daughter’s choices? Sounds to me like your daughter sees you being an overbearing grandmother with your other grandchild - you seem very pleased that your grandson prefers to come to you for comfort than his own mum. If you truly your love your children and grandchildren you would want them to be happy not be focused on your own happiness.