AIBU to look after granddaughter for childcare but not pick up from nursery?

[BeCosyFox]

My daughter is going back to work soon and plans to have granddaughter in nursery 5 days a week. I have happily offered to have her 3 of those days. I only work part time and would love to look after her on the other days I can. She doesn’t want that and wants her to go to nursery but has asked for some wrap around care. Grandaughter won’t be in nursery full days but half a day with wrap around care from me on the 3 days I can do (as her shift starts later in the day and ends after nursery closing time) I will have her about and hour and a half for those 3 days if I was going by what daughter wants. I just don’t understand why she wouldn’t want me to have her, we have a good relationship and are close and I’ve looked after my other grandchild (from other daughter) in a similar way before he went to school and it was a huge help being able to offer free childcare with lots of one on one time, it’s made me and my grandson have a lovely bond and I’d like the same with my granddaughter. I’m always happy to follow any rules she would like etc but she is adamant on nursery and I cannot understand why that’s the case. So many of my friends say it’s lovely I can offer that and their children would jump at the opportunity for a grandparent to have them over nursery and I agree and am hurt by this to the point that I don’t want to do the wrap around care for nursery. Is it unreasonable to say no to the pick up from nursery even though I’d have her for the whole 3 days? I just feel it’s not a give and take situation and if she doesn’t want me to have her in the day, then I don’t want to do that. I am very hurt she would prefer to pay nursery fees and have her child with nursery workers over her grandmother

Does she think that a day nursery will give her child a head start in education etc?

I know a few people who are adamant that their child will do better being surrounded by lots of other children from a young age. They've had a rethink after their kid has been sent home sick for the hundredth time.

Op, I'd just let her crack on and decide whether you want to do any of the nursery pick ups.

Do you not think that accidents with hot drinks can't happen in childcare vacilities?
Funny idea, but I guess you know your PIL best.

Who knows why your daughter is opting for five days in a nursery. We have no idea what sort of person you are nor do we know what sort of person your daughter is.

Maybe you were an amazing mother, and now a loving doting grandparent who wants time with her grandchild. Which is so very valuable to a child - it's such a special bond for a child to have. Yet your daughter wants to prevent it, why? Maybe because she's controlling and unpleasant?

Or maybe you are controlling, and your daughter is trying to minimise the amount of input you over her life now? It can be very damaging having a controlling manipulative mother - and so very hard to break yourself away from that contriol, even as an adult. Maybe she's been strong enough to say no to you getting three days' control over her own daughter, but still feels obliged to let you have your way, so offered you some time on the days you wanted your granddaughter.

Your "it's my way or the highway" attitude and what you're writing in your follow up posts, makes me feel things are more in the region of the second scenario.

Also the fact you wrote this:

"My grandson did often seek comfort from me over mum (other daughter) and she has said she doesn’t want that but I think that’s a little sad, it’s not a bad thing for her to find comfort in me if that was the case."

feels telling. Do you really want your grandchildren to want you more than they want their mothers? I mean it's certainly invaluable for a child to find a granny hug warm and comforting, but having a granny who wants a grandchild to need her more than they need their own mother? That's not good for the child.

One to one care can be better for small children, but it really does depend who's giving it.

As a young mum I agree with your daughter. I sent my child to nursery and it was 100% the best decision. My mum and MIL offered to help with childcare but we wanted something routine and the same for my child each week.
They were hurt yesterday but at the end of the day it was 100% the best decision. They have the positives of spending time with my child and being grandparents not care givers. They can spoil him, they can treat him and he adores spending time with them and have an amazing bond with them.
As a working mum the nursery were amazing, he eats so well and such a variety of foods no picking eating, where as his cousins are all very picky eaters and none of them went to nursery.
Also my MIL fell iss shortly after I returned to work and couldn't have looked after him in the end. My Father also had a heart attack when my child was 2 so my mother wouldn't have been able to look after him. So in the end it was the best decision.
Respect your daughter's decision and if you dont want to do pick ups then don't but I think it would be only u who loses out in the end.

In my opinion from what I observe amongst my own friends, they are unreasonably critical over very minor things with both their own parents and ILs. These are the people who brought them up, after all. They are their family, after all, who will know their children far longer than any paid employee.

In terms of being active, possibly true- my wonderful late FIL couldn’t stand up for the last 6 months of his life, so of course could not look after our DCs unattended. We took them to visit regularly. Of course depending on the age/health of the GP it is not always fair or practical to anyone.

Actually there are many studies that show under 2's are better off with one primsry care giver.
Having been a nursery carer, I know many under 2's would be better off at home.Not all but many.

Stop being so demanding. She wants to send her dd to nursery and wants you to pick her up 3 days and have her for 1.5 hours. Sounds perfect. She probably doesn't want to burden you. Did you moan about it before? With your gs?

Your daughter thinks-rightly or wrongly-that you are not up to providing child care for three days a week. You don't have to agree to do the pick-ups. Take the win and find something else to do with your time.

Did you read OP’s recent posts. There is a very strong critical feeling there but totally from OP towards her daughter.

I’m a grandmother and a MIL so don’t usually join the negativity about people in these roles but the post before last was very revealing about the reasons that daughter might be making these decisions

They don’t need peer group or socialisation at this age. It can actually be harmful for the care to be peer based at this age. There’s a wonderful, bestselling book on this topic https://amzn.eu/d/8QXy2bS. I highly recommend a read

You seem to think you have a right to demand time with the grandchild but on your terms only? You have no rights over them whatsoever. It’s sad that you’re refusing to help out purely because you’re sulking about a parent wanting what’s best for her child.
I would never replace nursery with grandparent care. IMO grandparent care is if you have no other options- nursery is the best you can provide. You and others might disagree, but it is the parents’ choice, and if your daughter also believes that nursery is better than grandparent care then you have to accept that. You aren’t entitled to a ‘strong bond’ with the grandchild. My priority for my children is the best day care setting for them to spend their days in, and this vastly outweighs them having a ‘bond’ with their grandparents.

Exactly this!!

Pretty much every post you've made (and the fact you're posting at all) is evidence of why she made her choice. You come across as hard work as a grandparent.

I'm guessing she spoke to the other person you did full time care for or at least saw the dynamic.

If your offer of help was purely for the benefit of the parents, you'd agree to what she is asking. But you want more, this is about you not them.

The preschoolers who thrive best I think tend to be part time in nursery. She might change her mind if her daughter gets very tired or ill alot. In future she might need help in school holidays so you can build a relationship then so I wouldn't burn your boats now.

Might be to do with her dp? Is she very strict on snacks or screens?

She must be very well paid if she is happy to pay 5days a week when it's not a necessity

@HJA87 in your opinion grandparents are superior to nursery / childcare. It's just an opinion. Depends on lots of factors like the nursery, the grandparents, the child's needs etc. Plus it's ultimately the parents choice

From what l see on here then getting childcare off a friend / family member can be a minefield. Especially when it comes to rules, food, screen time etc. That's before you get to holidays, illness, people ultimately finding it too much

Will your daughter compromise, Op?
Would she leave her DD with you for one full day and have you pick her up and tend to your grand daughter after nursery for the two other days?

Tbh I'd say yes to dd to doing the wrap around care.
Ask dd would it be ok to pick up early one day a week to have a bit more time

It's no different. Her days are tied whatever, and it's entirely possible to organise something else to do that fits in with nursery pick ups. Parents do it all the time with school age kids.

Unnecessarily rude but then , I guess you meant to be .

This isn't about you OP.

Your daughter is making the choice she is for various reasons but none of them are about you.

Why wouldn't you support her in the way she has asked,? Why does it have to be your way or no way?

Parents choose nursery for many different reasons, a consistent approach, socialisation and enrichment activities that you couldn't offer.

It seems like she's trying to give her daughter the best of both worlds but your ego seemingly is more important than your daughter's wishes for her child.

Support her as she has asked, or don't. But your reason for not is completely and utterly selfish and emotionally immature. Have a good word with yourself.

it is just so ageist she is her daughter's mother
and she cared for cousin what on earth has changed that much?

It's not ageist. The OP's experience was 40 years ago. If she were a 60 year old trained nursery worker, that would be very different.

You really don't know what's changed in parenting and childcare in the last 40 years? Perhaps you should have sent your children to nursery. God bless them.

My mum always made it clear she would not be an involved grandparent. As her friends became grandparents she spoke about how awful it was that their children expected them to give up their time, drive to collect them, look after them for such a long day etc, etc.

When I had their first grandchild, my mum said she wanted to look after them two days per week whilst I was at work. We reminded her of all the things above as to why we would never have asked her and she was sure she wanted to do it. We said one day per week which she was disappointed about and agreed that if it got too much we would need a months notice so we could make other arrangements. She looked after him from 11 months, we checked in often asking if she wanted to stop/do less and she always said no. Two years on and one month from having my second child, I had collected the eldest all seemed fine (we had no expectation of her looking no 2 and she had not offered so assumed it would not happen) - 10 minutes after getting in the door I got a phone call telling me I was taking advantage and she couldnt do it anymore, I shouldnt expect someone of her age to do it. I felt awful that she had clearly been struggling for a while and couldnt tell me, even when asked. The fallout from it all was awful, and I wish I had never agreed. When my husband died, she made the offer to help if needed, but I havent taken her up on this except in extremis for my youngest as it was too much for her 15 years ago and dobt want to put her in that position again.

Your daughter is aware you are older than when you looked after your nephew and it sounds like she would be really grateful for your wraparound care to enable her to keep working. Either do it gladly, or let her know you wont so she can make other arrangements. Dont let this destroy your relationship, mine has never been the same since and I am sad that my mum doesnt want to spend much time in my childrens company (they live 20 mins away, only invite us round once per year and they dont want to visit us/meet us anywhere). And its been hard for my children growing up to understand why she does want to see them, I honestly dont know the reason or know what to say.

We need a national campaign on this as theirs is so much misinformation on this topic in this country.

There is a wealth of research on this. It is already a huge area of study, and has been for decades. What kore do you want? See links to some studies I posted to upthread.

I understand your frustration - what time would you be picking up your GD. Is it from when nursery closes at 5/6pm and you get the 90 mins then ?
Though, At any time 90 mins won't be enough as after time at nursery and her young age won't she need a nap or she'll be tired, hungry and cranky, so no real fun!

I wouldn't want to do 90 mins a day wrap around care, it is an insult and a massive inconvenience to you! And also weird daughter has decided on a nursery where she needs that extra wrap around for such a short time! If only doing half days I'd be asking if you could have her for longer on your days. What hours does daughter and her dp do ?

Those “dedicated” carers are mostly young girls who have gone into childcare for the lack of other job opportunities.

Trained in childcare. A granny isn't.