AIBU to look after granddaughter for childcare but not pick up from nursery?

[BeCosyFox]

My daughter is going back to work soon and plans to have granddaughter in nursery 5 days a week. I have happily offered to have her 3 of those days. I only work part time and would love to look after her on the other days I can. She doesn’t want that and wants her to go to nursery but has asked for some wrap around care. Grandaughter won’t be in nursery full days but half a day with wrap around care from me on the 3 days I can do (as her shift starts later in the day and ends after nursery closing time) I will have her about and hour and a half for those 3 days if I was going by what daughter wants. I just don’t understand why she wouldn’t want me to have her, we have a good relationship and are close and I’ve looked after my other grandchild (from other daughter) in a similar way before he went to school and it was a huge help being able to offer free childcare with lots of one on one time, it’s made me and my grandson have a lovely bond and I’d like the same with my granddaughter. I’m always happy to follow any rules she would like etc but she is adamant on nursery and I cannot understand why that’s the case. So many of my friends say it’s lovely I can offer that and their children would jump at the opportunity for a grandparent to have them over nursery and I agree and am hurt by this to the point that I don’t want to do the wrap around care for nursery. Is it unreasonable to say no to the pick up from nursery even though I’d have her for the whole 3 days? I just feel it’s not a give and take situation and if she doesn’t want me to have her in the day, then I don’t want to do that. I am very hurt she would prefer to pay nursery fees and have her child with nursery workers over her grandmother

Sorry, probably just me being tired and a bit thick, but I don't understand. Is your daughter saying no to your offer of childcare completely, in general, or will you have the child for some of the time?

Yes, YABU
If you are unwell, on holiday, have an appointment, have to work a different day one week, she's screwed as the nursery won't have space. If you want to spend time with your grandchild, pick them up from nursery and spend that time with them. You sound like a toddler having a tantrum to be honest!

She would like me to pick her up from nursery on the days I have offered care over me having her for the whole day and not go to nursery on those days. I would like grandaughter to be with me 3 out of the 5 days a week and she wants grandaughter to be with me none of the days and only for nursery pick up

I’d be upset too, it’s fairly inconvenient to have to be hanging around all day just for an hour and a half of care, it’s not like you get to have a lovely fun day with your granddaughter and you have to go out of the house to pick her up. Maybe your daughter doesn’t want to burden you with 3 whole days of care as it’s a lot to ask, but so is messing around with this permanent arrangement like this as it’s not as much fun.

My mum offered me more childcare than I accepted. And with two small children we are paying a fortunate in nursery fees each month. But I didn’t want my mum to tire herself out and to end up resenting helping out. She does so much already when they’re unwell and to generally ease the load that I didn’t feel right expecting her to give up her time during the week every week.

So it could be as simple as that. Not that she doesn’t trust you but she doesn’t want to ask too much of you.

We're all different but that sounds perfect to me
I can think of nothing worse than still working as a grandparent, and having to look after a small child on my days off! Picking her up from nursery would be the best of both worlds.
Don't you want your life back?

No, I miss my grandson so much now he is at school! I loved our days together and would be thrilled to do it for my other daughter/grandaughter. I love it

She says there is so many factors to why she wants to do it like this and hasn’t said she doesn’t trust me but has also said she feels more in control over grandaughter this way which seemed a bit odd and like it is a trust thing at least partially

She will have her reasons for feeling that nursery is the better option for her child. YABU.

More often than not you hear parents taking advantage of their parents availability for childcare. She seems sensible to me to be planning her childcare and not taking the pee!! I didn't plan on my child doing nursery full time but because of a breakdown in relationship they did and I don't regret a single moment. The child gains valuable relationships with peers and gets to see you at your best not tired and worn out. She seems thoughtful and conscientious. You can still develop a lovely relationship with your grandchild, don't cut your nose to spite your face!

Not being able to make plans for the sake of 90 minutes 3 times a week seems way more of an ask I think. So you’re not good enough for regular days of childcare, like a whole day a week, but you’ll do to accommodate her hours when nursery is closed. Yeah, I don’t think you should agree to that.

She is making a decision that she feels is best for her child, her and her family - as he mother you should be supportive of that, even if you don’t full agree.

the decision she is making is not putting her child at risk in anyway so there is no reason for you to be against it, other than your feelings being hurt / you putting what you want ahead of what she feels is best for her child.

by saying no to the wrap around care, for no other reason than it’s not what you want, you are losing out on time with your granddaughter.

Well it's far better for a child to be cared for by a family member than a nursery IMO, 5 days at nursery is too much .

But who knows why she's made this decision - is it because she thinks you would give too much sugar or screen time or get tired or use it to control them in some way or is it that she wants the certainty of nursery even if you're ill or away... There may be good reasons for the decision.

Ultimately I guess it's up to you - how much do you want to see grandchild Vs make a point, or how much would this inconvenience you?

If you want to see the child you'll have to do what she wants I guess

Yes weird - she has no control whatsoever with nursery, it is one size fits all.

This totally, with the nursery there is continuity of care and not being reliant on one person.
OP please thank your lucky stars you are going to have your grandchild 3 times a week, appreciate not for as long as you would like but I have no doubt this time will be extended, you are very fortunate.
Don't think about the time you are missing out on, think about the time you have.

That’s not true, nurseries will feed what parents provide, use the nappies they like, the parents will have chosen a nursery whose style matches theirs as much as possible. If parents say no dummy, then no dummy. Those are all things that she might not have control over with her mum.

@BeCosyFox the thing is, this isn’t your child, and whilst I’m sure your daughter is grateful she must have her reasons. I wanted my kids at nursery for socialisation reasons, they didn’t see many other kids with me. So I wanted them to have that at nursery. Nursery is structured so a routine is in place which also suited my kids. What if you’re unwell? What does she do then? She doesn’t have that issue with a nursery. These are things that aren’t about you.
you are allowed to say no to the wrap around, but if you love your daughter and grandchild like you say you do, this is going to seem petty and manipulative, and might hurt your relationship,
talk to your daughter. Tell her you feel hurt, ask her to explain a bit, but ultimately you have to let her make her own choices.

So in your 3 days if you couldn't do it for whatever reason for all or part of the day do you have a back up plan?

Is your daughter/partner just able to easily take time off work if you can't?

I wonder if there could be some middle ground. 3 days would be a lot for you to have the child, but maybe you could do 1 or 2 days and just wraparound care on the others.

Ultimately your daughter can choose whatever she likes but I can understand your issue. If you’re providing wraparound care then you get to see the child every day, but I’m assuming we’re talking about late afternoon/early evening so it isn’t quality time, a child of that age will likely be too tired to be up to much especially after a full day at nursery. And it’s not a long enough period of time to do much fun stuff. (Would you potentially do dinner and bath? If so that will take up a decent chunk of the 90 minutes.)

But 5 days a week is a lot for a baby to be in nursery. When my DD was that age, she was always sick from all the bugs etc and within six months I was forced to reduce my working hours from full-time to three days. So who knows, maybe your daughter will end up changing her mind anyway.

Yes it seems 'if it has to be exactly my way or not at all' and 99% of the time in here I think parents are expecting too much of grandparents but you sound like manipulation is the most important thing

No idea if I am reading this wrong it is just how it feels

Is this her first child? Maybe she feels some resentment/jealousy that she has to return to work and if you have her daughter for 3 full days it somehow equates to you spending more time with her than she does and forming a stronger bond than she will be able to as irrational as it may sound..

This was to the op not the poster I quoted

Spiteful??? Good grief

It seems pretty spiteful of you: can't get what I want so won't help at all. You will need to think of a better explanation for why you are saying no if you want to avoid looking spiteful to your daughter.

OP, it's lovely that you've offered such generous help and treasure your relationships with your grandchildren. But your DD is being wise here and you're making this more about what you want than providing the help your DD actually needs from you.

This site is full of threads with adult children fretting over conflict caused or exacerbated by grandparents providing free childcare. It's complicated, and it does put parents in a tough situation if there is anything they're unhappy about no matter how small.

But even if you have the most wonderful relationship with your DD there are two big reasons that obtaining a nursery place 5 days per week and asking you to provide wrap around care instead of accepting your offer of 3 full days is wise: 1) If you are providing primary care then your DD has to either plan on taking off work any time you are ill or have an appointment or she has to figure out some sort of backup care. Nurseries don't close when one caregiver is unwell. 2) Most young children settle far better in nursery and school if they do at least 3 days per week and preferably more. 2 long days per week is a really difficult schedule for most children and schools - the child, caregivers and classmates (if a little older) struggle to get into a consistent routine. I have experience on the teaching side of this and I would not have chosen 2 full days for my own children; when ours started part-time preschool in preparation for reception they did 5 morning sessions so they could settle into a daily routine.